Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you address it when you and DH disagree on how to deal with bad behaviour?

91 replies

holliedaze · 31/05/2017 10:11

DD aged 3 is difficult ... DH blames me for this and thinks we should be stricter.

She tantrums, she exclusively wants me to the point where her younger sister doesn't get a look in and her sleep is poor.

Dh is a stricter parent but as a result I feel I always have to be the neutral parent - he shouts and smacks (not hard but I've told him again and again I hate it and it's out of order. He's from the 'it did me no harm' school of parenting.)

Can anyone advise? It's so tense.

OP posts:
Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:50

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
FloofyCat · 31/05/2017 11:51

Hollie if your DC were in childcare and you found out their nanny/nursery worker/childminder had hit your DC against your repeatedly expressed clear wishes - what would you do? (Or if your DH hit you, would you stay with him? I hope not, so why is it OK for him to hit your DC?)

Seriously, if this happened would you start a thread on MN about how you could show a united front, or would you take any steps you could to ensure this couldn't happen again?

It's a genuine question, I'm not being snarky, it's worth you considering, I think.

A grown man hitting a small girl (or boy, but females bear the brunt of male violence and it starts young) is abhorrent to me and I'm afraid I can't offer any advice on how you can reconcile yourself to this. Perhaps your DC would be less clingy and sleep better if they could be safe from being hit by an adult who is supposed to love them, in their own home?

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:53

Floofy I'm not saying his behaviour is right.

But to extend your argument, that would be more like saying 'the people at my child's nursery smack them. If I complain and withdraw them, they will have to attend two days a fortnight with no input from me at all. If I keep them there, I can keep an eye on things.'

So when I put it like that you can see the position I'm in.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 11:57

It's not like that at all

It's like you sitting there and watching your children be hurt and doing nothing.

Or

Removing them from the situation and ensuring that your H doesn't ever hit them again by insisting on supervised visitation.

FloofyCat · 31/05/2017 11:58

Well you could do as my friend has just done, literally last week, and ensure they had supervised contact. I won't pretend and say it was easy, it was a fucking nightmare, it took time and and social workers and CAFCASS were involved, plus it cost her money but she did it.

The logic that he would get unsupervised contact for two days so I'm going to leave them in that environment seven days a week doesn't stack up.

What would you do if he hit you? Again, genuine question. Would you stay with him and if not, why is it OK for him to hit your DC?

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 12:01

No, it's not easy.

BeingATwat just because you don't like what I'm saying doesn't mean it's not the case.

You are not going to get supervised contact because of taps on the bottom.

OP posts:
Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 12:04

Your logic doesn't make much sense hollie

What you're saying is that you're staying with your husband to protect your child? How far would you go with that?

Stop minimising it by calling it a tap. He's hitting your child, end of. Using nice words doesn't change the action.

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 12:07

Well you're wrong there Hollie smacking is considered to be inappropriate discipline, it's looked upon badly by social services.

Considering you both can't cope with your dds behaviour and her father is resorting to violence, I'd say that's very concerning.

Why don't you speak to your health visitor about this?

BeachyKeen · 31/05/2017 12:08

If you truly don't want to leave your husband, for the sake of your children, make him agree to go to parenting classes to learn how to raise kids.
Hitting people to control their behavior is wrong.

BeachyKeen · 31/05/2017 12:09

Besides, if as an adult he can't control himself, how does he expect a 3 year old to?

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 31/05/2017 12:09

My father would shout and smack all of my siblings including me, at the drop of a hat. As a result, if I hear shouting, I freeze and immediately stop what I'm doing or saying. It's bloody hard getting out of that mindset as an adult and has led to me being walked over and treated like shit by my ex. Hate my parents, him for doing it and her for letting it happen. So bloody unfair. Sad

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 12:11

Your dh sounds like a right bullying cunt to be honest.

He blames you for your 3 year olds behaviour, it's your fault so he hits her. Great.

3 year olds are mere babies, they are difficult, some more than others, some are more highly strung.

I think you should both see your health visitor about having parenting classes so that you can get some boundaries in place but also reassure her - without the violence.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 12:15

I'm giving up on this thread. You aren't listening to anyone.

I really feel for your DD. I know how hard it is to have a toddler. My DD really pushes my buttons sometimes but I will never accept violence towards children. No matter how many times you call it a tap, it will never be less than what it is.

FloofyCat · 31/05/2017 12:16

I think we can agree the H sounds abusive and bears responsibility for his actions, but I think it's important that we don't drive you away Hollie which I can see happening.

My friend started by contacting her health visitor when her partner wasn't in the house - would this be something you could do? You might be surprised how much RL support there would be for you, and how many people would view him as abusive, and that this is not a good situation for you and your DC to be in. Or perhaps ringing Womens Aid for advice?

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 12:17

I feel it is you who is not really listening to me, Being

If I left DH tomorrow, he would have the children at a minimum every other weekend and one evening a week.

You cannot just ask for 'unsupervised contact' and have it granted. You really can't.

OP posts:
FloofyCat · 31/05/2017 12:18

You can't just ask, I agree with you there, but you can get it if you are prepared to fight for it.

DasPepe · 31/05/2017 12:19

Maybe sit down with your husband and have a chat, highlighting that:
Hitting and shouting are not only not a solution, they are also a dead end road for you. You need alternatives for different behaviors in order to get a result. If smacking is the one all solution for everything it's going to wear off and cause damage in the relationship along the way. It can also escalate, even if you don't mean it to
Your husband thinks that it hasn't harmed him, but ask him what's going on in his mind just before a smack. If he just "reacts" that means he has been conditioned by the aggression. It's the same way when we shout / say the same things as our parents did to us: we're not actually "present" and thinking in these situations, we just repeat behavior
Set an ultimatum if needed. Your child is 3. These feel awful because you have so littler control (and here is the issue, it's all about control and power with smacking) but there will be worst behavior and challenges for you ahead. You need to be a team.

Try different approaches. Distract them instead. Pick them up (i.e. Your husband) give them a big hug. Physically remove them from the floor but then be loving. They will surprise with thei response.

I've just recently realised that "winning" with the kids sometimes doesn't take the same form as I expect. Because they are humans not robots :)

And I understand all of the other posters who say that smacking is terrible. But you are dealing with it OP and you started by asking for advice. It sounds like you want to be a team with your husband, but sometimes you need one of you to lead and set the rules.

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 12:19

You really can't Floofy

I'm sorry, but you can't. I'm not trying to be difficult, I don't invent the law.

I did not come on here with the intention to anger people so I'll step back.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 31/05/2017 12:20

She is 3! He shouts at her and smacks her, that is not discipline, it is bullying. And it will only get worse if you do not put a stop to it.

justkeepswimmingg · 31/05/2017 12:22

Parenting classes can help you to both come up with your parenting styles and help you stop butting heads. Alternatively you both need to write down what you don't agree with in terms of your different parenting styles, and make a compromise for in between. It's only going to work if you both fully commit, and are both unhappy with how the situation is at the moment.
I couldn't be with someone who felt it was ok to hit my DC, and I made that crystal clear to DH prior to having our DS. I came from a household where my dad hit me, and it's affected me long term. Btw I'm not saying leaving your DH, just that you need to discuss and compromise as it isn't ok what he is doing x

pointythings · 31/05/2017 12:22

But are you going to follow up on Floofy's suggestion of getting some real life help to cope with your DH's violence and your passive acceptance of it? Because if you just let things go as they are, you really are as bad as he is.

FloofyCat · 31/05/2017 12:26

I have just supported my friend through the process. It is possible but it's hard and you have to fight. It is a choice if you're prepared to do it and I hope you seek RL help to help you make that choice.

youarenotkiddingme · 31/05/2017 12:27

I'm another who says smacking is an absolute no no. You need to lay it on the line that if he does it again he's out in his ear.

But this needs to go hand in hand with an open and honest discussion about managing behaviour.

You say you feel you need to be the neutral parent because DH is strict.
He may feel he has to be strict because your the more neutral parent. He may think you aren't disciplining at all so he has to do it twice as hard.

StubbleTurnips · 31/05/2017 12:31

OP your DH is a cunt, minimising it as a tap on the bum makes you fucking delusional.

I abhor smacking.

I was tapped/ smacked as a 3 year old. Didn't work. Smacked as a 4 year old, harder. Smacked as a 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 year old. The only difference being they stopped smacking with hands and started using a wooden spoon - or a memorable occasion with a hoover tube.

Did it stop the behaviour, no. Did it make me hate my parents, yes. My mum for allowing and dad for doing it.

Get a grip and stop him Physically abusing your 3 year old daughter. But I suspect the damage is already done.

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 12:40

I do wonder about the mentality of a man who can hit a tiny 3 year old.

They're so small, vulnerable and totally reliant on the adults in their life for everything.

How many of us can even remember much about being 3? How much self awareness does a 3 year old have that they deserve to be smacked for not being how their parents expect them to be.