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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you address it when you and DH disagree on how to deal with bad behaviour?

91 replies

holliedaze · 31/05/2017 10:11

DD aged 3 is difficult ... DH blames me for this and thinks we should be stricter.

She tantrums, she exclusively wants me to the point where her younger sister doesn't get a look in and her sleep is poor.

Dh is a stricter parent but as a result I feel I always have to be the neutral parent - he shouts and smacks (not hard but I've told him again and again I hate it and it's out of order. He's from the 'it did me no harm' school of parenting.)

Can anyone advise? It's so tense.

OP posts:
Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:07

You don't get to decide whether he has unsupervised contact or not HerRoyal

In the eyes of the law he would have equal rights, he is the parent.

But anyway this is by-the-by.

OP posts:
HerRoyalFattyness · 31/05/2017 11:09

hollie not after I'd phoned the police on him for hurting my children. I would absolutely get to decide. No court would allow him to carry on abusing them.

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 31/05/2017 11:09

How old is DD2? Do you talk with DD1 about how hard it is becoming a big sister? ("It's so tough for you when I need to hold DD2. You wish I could hold you right now. We can all cuddle together on my lap as long as DD2 is safe. If you hurt DD2 then I need to put you down. It will be your turn for a cuddle next. I know it's hard sharing Mummy" etc)

This is a good read www.janetlansbury.com/2014/09/surviving-sibling-struggles/

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:09

Phone the police because of a tap on the bum? Good luck with that. Anyway thanks for the advice.

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HerRoyalFattyness · 31/05/2017 11:10

And just so you know, I've been through a court case regarding access.
I get the final say in when my kids see their dad and he wasn't even violent.
It's all write out in a court order.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 11:10

You are minimising his behaviour OP. Stop minimising abusive behaviour. Protect your child!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/05/2017 11:10

DD1 has had to adapt to sharing her parents with her little sister. Like any 3yo she's also finding out how much power she has, pushing boundaries. That's not purely being naughty that's development.
Yes it's tiresome, yes it's infuriating.

Does DH understand that very likely, a big part of this show of sibling jealousy and behavioural regression is her fear of rejection, of no longer being unconditionally loved by mummy and daddy? So how will smacking her help?
He's an adult not a shouty toddler so you can try and have a rational talk.

I honestly think you should look at parenting courses. They're nothing shameful or embarrassing. Normal parents trying to do their best, getting fresh ideas.

HerRoyalFattyness · 31/05/2017 11:11

Clearly you're not willing to see the damage you are causing your DD by allowing this.
Do what you want but just know that your husband is a violent bully and you are barely any better by allowing it.

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:11

I don't think it's just DD2, she's always been quite clingy. It's not the clinginess per se though but the fuss she makes if she can't be on me / on top of me. We were at a children's event yesterday and she threw an absolute shocker of a tantrum because we said no in the gift shop. I did notice that although we were surrounded by preschool children none of them were behaving like she was (including my other children!)

OP posts:
Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:12

Ok TheRoyal

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 11:13

OP, you came on here to talk about your DH's harsh approach to parenting. The overall consensus is that his behaviour is beyond unacceptable and now you are defending him! Take a really good look at what the pair of you are doing to your child.

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:14

I'm not defending him at all, BeingATwat but people telling me I should leave is not really helpful to be honest.

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BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 11:16

When my DD has a tantrum because we've said no, we pick her up, cuddle her, explain why we've said no or why she can't do something and then we move on to something else. She normally gets over a tantrum within a few minutes and there is no smacking involved because that would make it worse.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 11:17

I didn't say you should leave. I said you need to ensure it never happens again!

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:18

I'm trying to Being

I must say though what you describe doesn't work with DD. They can carry on for hours.

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BeingATwatItsABingThing · 31/05/2017 11:20

You have to be consistent with it. We never get angry with it. We distract her with something else.

We've found that talking to her like you would an older child has really helped her. She does understand us and can be reasoned with.

pointythings · 31/05/2017 11:21

Any smacking is unacceptable. Shouting is also very bad. Stop making excuses for him, make him change his parenting style. Yes, three-year-olds need bouundaries - but shouting and smacking are lazy ways of getting what you want as a parent.

I had this battle with my DH (though he never smacked, he'd have been out the door with his bags packed. We had it again recently when the DDs turned into teenagers and he was still trying to parent them as if they were 6. Its now easy for us to be on the same page because we are - but you have to have that debate with your DH. This can't go on.

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:21

I don't Being

Never got angry, raised my voice, was once three quarters of an hour by a roadside in the rain talking to her.

Seriously, it doesn't work.

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thatverynightinmaxsroom · 31/05/2017 11:24

So she's a higher intensity kind of child. Some kids DO need lots of physical contact. Some kids DO have epic tantrums. Maybe you need to try a few different strategies for her; maybe start a separate thread about that because there will be other parents on here who've had similarly intense kids. But smacking and shouting are definitely not going to be the solutions.

And if your DH agrees smacking is wrong but does it anyway then he really needs anger management classes.

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 31/05/2017 11:26

*Never got angry, raised my voice, was once three quarters of an hour by a roadside in the rain talking to her.

Seriously, it doesn't work.*

See... I think that is working. You're staying with her calmly and showing her she's safe. You can't really stop tantrums at this age, you can only support your child through them.

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:26

Thanks Smile she is very intense.

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Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:27

It's not very practical or safe or fair thatverynight

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MarcelineTheVampire · 31/05/2017 11:35

Oh Hollie I do feel for you and I agree it is easier said than done in leaving him if you are afraid of him getting more unsupervised contact than he does already.

However, he does sound like a bully and smacking a child is never acceptable but you already know that - I really think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and discuss the negative effects of smacking and getting angry and that he is perpetuating bad behaviour. She is 3 and her behaviour sounds normal to me. I think you need to be quite forceful and state that you will not put up with how he is parenting at the moment and that it may result in you leaving if he doesn't review his parenting style.

I truly believe that you need a united front on parenting but that front should not include shouting/physical abuse.

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
holliedaze · 31/05/2017 11:37

Thanks, Marceline. It's very rare he smacks - yesterday was exceptionally bad, behaviour wise.

But if I'm truthful I wouldn't say her behaviour is normal. I mean, it's normal for 3yos to tantrum but for the length she does I wouldn't say so.

OP posts:
DasPepe · 31/05/2017 11:48

I think the problem is that once you've crossed the line, it can escalate. Smacking is always a sign of losing your temper. You might do it the first time after a great deal of restraint when you have really been pushed. But then it could become the go to solution. And it's clearly isn't working.

I think once the kids are older than 5, it's ok to present a different parenting style. But at 3 you have to be consistent. How you react to tantrums and how you deal with th child.
If you're both there, your husband should remove the child to another room: distract the behavior, allow the good behavior to take place, praise good behavior afterwards. Sounds like you are focusing too much on the tantrums and that won't let you get past to establish a better pattern.

You have to be neutral in applying rules to behavior (mummy/daddy are cross because you DID x and y) whilst reinforcing love message (mummy/daddy love YOU).
They cannot be made to be frightened or unloved (aggression) they won't remember this but the pattern of behavior will stay

Good luck and just keep reminding each other that you love them ;) even when they are little devils