Aibu to tell my dc dad is not bio dad

[OnlyANameChange]

I'm 35 my former partner and father to my two twin boys aged three and a half is 23 Back when I was pregnant with them about 7 months I caught my then partner in bed with a man. He had been having an affair with a man for 4 months and he decided to leave me for this partner, but assured me that he would be there for his children. He saw them after they were born and has not seen them since, not for birthdays or anything not even cards.

I've met a new man and have been together for a year. I haven't introduced them to him yet, but am planning to. I thought the other day that maybe I should introduce him as daddy to them as he has said he is happy to take them on.

I just feel that if I don't do this they will feel rejected by their bio dad and If I do tell them he is daddy they will find out later on and feel as though they have been lied to.

I don't know if my intentions are fully in the right place because I'm very angry at my ex. I'm angry how I paid for his life of luxary while he was "looking for a job". I'm angry how he never told me he was bisexual. So maybe I don't have the right intentions.

Also there are no pictures of their real dad anywhere with them as babies.

Don't ever lie to them. If he moves in and over time becomes their dad - maybe but you'd want to be very careful. He may turn out to be someone you don't want anywhere near your kids. It would be so cruel to bring a man in, tell them this is your daddy and then he leaves after a while and the kids are left confused and abandoned. The fact that he's telling you that he'll be the daddy to kids he's never met would make me extra wary of him. At best he has no sense. Neither do you by the sounds of it.

Introduce them slowly. Him by his name, as mommy's friend... Let it go from there.

But be careful. These are your kids. Bringing a non related male into the home puts your kid 40 times more likely to be harmed. You gave to be extremely cautious and watchful with who you introduce to your kids. You have to see how he interacts with them before you can make any decisions about whether he should even be in your home.

Please do not do that. At some point in their lives they will discover you lied to them at such a fundamental level and it will blow their world apart. Besides, I always think there is something admirable about a situation where another adult chooses to be a parent figure to someone else's child - it would mean a lot to them when they are older to know your new partner chose to be in their lives.

Tell your children the truth. And its yourself you should be angry with, your ex was little more than a child. If he's 23 he was what, 18 when you met him, 19 when you got knocked up?

You are bat shit crazy....

I'm not doing it I've said so three times

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2942660-Im-still-extremely-angry-still

Ive made a new thread to discuss my problems I have getting over it.

Honesty is definitely best.
I always knew who my birth parents were and how my living arrangements came about, and I've always been fine about it. There was a brief rejection phase as a teenager in a "his loss" kind of way but I got over it pretty easily. I called the people who raised me "mum and dad" in full awareness of the truth. I also acknowledged my mother as mum, and she had a presence in my life.

Young children are very adaptable.

I know you have already said that you've decided not too. But what if this time next year your ex decided he wanted a relationship with his ds's? What would you tell them.?
I honestly don't think it's healthy for a new relationship while your still so angry at your ex. It seems like from you have said you want your new partner to be daddy to piss your ex off rather than just wanting a father figure for ds's.

Even if this relationship works out DO NOT LET THEM THINK HE IS THEIR FATHER UNLESS YOU WANT TO MASSIVELY SCREW THEM UP.

He may end up being their step father and that's fine but you must must must make sure they know they have a different biological father.

Don't force the relationship. Your Ex could try to contact them when they're older so don't ever lie about who their father is.

Thank god you're not doing it, it was an utterly batshit suggestion

Don't let them call him Dad after ANY period of time. He ISNT their dad. If he upped and left, even after years, he'd have no PR and probably wouldn't see them anymore

He's your boyfriend and always will be, unless you marry him, then he becomes step dad.

Or I suppose he could adopt them and become their dad, but that seems jumping ahead about a bazillion miles!

1/10

No. You only have to introduce this man as mummy's friend. You cannot introduce a man they have never met as Daddy. As badly behaved as their biological Dad has been what if they want meet him further down the line. I can understand that you are angry. I would be too but this is not about wiping him out completely and what about his family? what if they want to be involved later on?

Your new man may want to 'take' them on but trust me as a mother of twins - it ain't easy. They are young now but they are about to turn into little whirlwinds. Take your time. Not everything has to have a label. If this man wants to be a Father and acts like a Father in the long term that is what he will be to them but let it be a progression over the years.

Sorry cross post - just read you are not doing it

You don't have to state it explicitly. I was always told that my dad came along and saw my mum and I, fell in love with us and wanted us to be a family. I never thought anything of this until I got a bit older and it was nice way to understand the truth.

Then you can answer their questions as and when they come up. be honest but gentle.

Never lie to kids about things like this. You can't imagine the damage it could do in the future. They have a father. BUT, there is nothing to stop them having a second person they call dad IF you stay with the current guy.