Aibu to tell my dc dad is not bio dad

[OnlyANameChange]

I'm 35 my former partner and father to my two twin boys aged three and a half is 23 Back when I was pregnant with them about 7 months I caught my then partner in bed with a man. He had been having an affair with a man for 4 months and he decided to leave me for this partner, but assured me that he would be there for his children. He saw them after they were born and has not seen them since, not for birthdays or anything not even cards.

I've met a new man and have been together for a year. I haven't introduced them to him yet, but am planning to. I thought the other day that maybe I should introduce him as daddy to them as he has said he is happy to take them on.

I just feel that if I don't do this they will feel rejected by their bio dad and If I do tell them he is daddy they will find out later on and feel as though they have been lied to.

I don't know if my intentions are fully in the right place because I'm very angry at my ex. I'm angry how I paid for his life of luxary while he was "looking for a job". I'm angry how he never told me he was bisexual. So maybe I don't have the right intentions.

Also there are no pictures of their real dad anywhere with them as babies.

Okay I'm not going to do it, if he does stay around it would be okay for them then for him to be dad to them.

Oh my god no this is a mad idea on all fronts. Just be honest with them in a way that's age appropriate and kind. If your relationship with your partner develops then he'll naturally become a father figure to them, you can't lie!

I have no relationship with my bio father. I don't feel rejected at all, he was just a bastard. Not my fault.

I'd have been more pissed off if my mother had lied and told me someone else was my dad. As it was, she met a man when I was a teenager who is a lovely stepfather to me.

Terrible idea.

Let things develop.

if he does stay around it would be okay for them then for him to be dad to them

Only if they decide on their own they want to call him dad and so on, it's something you should never push.

Please don't do this.

I found out my step dad wasn't my dad when another kid told me in front of my friends when I was 10. Talk about fucked up.

I am just so angry at my ex I don't think sensibly sometimes.

Definitely, DEFINITELY don't do it!!

I think I need to start a new thread in relationships or somewhere to help with my anger towards my ex.

They need to have one parent they can trust and rely on to tell them the truth - and that's you.

Don't do this.

I have an older half brother who has no idea I, or his bio father, exist because his mother did exactly this. it is incredibly damaging.

It always pays to be honest with children, it will come back to bite you later if you are not. Please don't pretend he is their dad when he isn't, they will find out one day and be really upset/annoyed with you.
Good luck with the partner, hopefully he will be a better role model than the birth dad, but just in case he doesn't imagine having to explain he wasn't really dad after all

Ive created a thread on relationships about my relationship with ex because my feelings towards him are not healthy. If I was willing to cause my dc future problems.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?call=ThreadsImOn

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2942660-Im-still-extremely-angry-still This is the one.

Never ever ever lie! Also you know this man 2 seconds. No way. If you induce him he is your friend. If note! Personally id get to know this man. Enjoy being dated without the children and please dont do the uncle thing. Next year another uncle!

Agree with others, under no circs lie to your children about something like this.

I am an old gimmer (in my 50s) and this sort of lie was very common when I was a kid - and the emotional fall-out when the shit hits the fan later is immense. I've seen it up close in my family, and it is the sort of thing that really tears families apart (I have one relative in the generation below mine who still feels consumed by guilt because her mother dropped the bombshell that "dad" wasn't her bio dad when she was in her early 20s - she went no contact for a while, her mother died unexpectedly while they were no contact, and she feels like shit to this day over the whole thing. A whole load of guilt when she's blameless - because her mother lied in the first place, then, in a fit of "wanting to sort her own conscience out" decided to come clean.)

Work on telling your children in an age-appropriate way. One suggestion I've heard is "some grown ups just aren't up to the job of being parents" to explain why a biological parent does a runner. The trick is to explain that it's a shortcoming in their biological father, not in them, and to try to make sure it doesn't feel like a rejection of them. Stress that it was a rejection of his responsibilities, not a rejection of his children.

As for "dad" - by all means, once you are confident that your relationship looks like it might be a runner long-term, by all means let him build a relationship as "step-dad" and explain to your children that there are two bits to being a parent - the genetic side, and the "tucks you up and cuddles you when you've skinned your knee and reads you bedtime stories" side - and the two don't have to be the same person, that step parents can be very loving, important people in your life. (As well as the car-crash described above, I've also had the good fortune to see some bloody brilliant step-parenting in other bits of my family).

Don't lie to your children.

Definitely don't lie.

I'm a lone parent too, my DS has never met his biological 'father'. He likely never will.

Lying to your kids will only fuck with their heads as they get older and they find out the truth. And that's without getting into the issues that this relationship might not last, he might chose not to have anything to do with them after separation anyway, how many other "Daddies" would there be? I'd also be wary of any new partner who is more than happy to step into an absent parents shoes, but that's just me.

Oh no no, please don't lie to them. I have a dad who brought me up and a biodad who I only got to know as an adult. Dad will always be my lovely daddy who made up stories with me and tucked me into bed and drove me 200 miles to uni, while biodad is known by his first name and is just a person I know. But it still matters that I know the truth.

No no please no. Kids can accept almost anything as long as it's the truth and their truth. What they can't forgive or forget (especially as adults when they unravel the deceit) is deliberate lies, even done in the best of intentions. I've got a friend who this has happened to and it has rocked her entire world to find out her Dad is not her Dad. Ironically the only person who comes off as the hero in the story is the bio Dad who might have been the most absent shittest parent but never lied to her.

OnlyANameChange do not lie to your children, EVER. Seriously, this is exactly what your dpdid to you, lied to you, yes he also cheated but basically he lied about a lot of things and you as an adult have found this very hard.

Please do not give these children any flase information at all. Always true and always age appropriate.

This new man is your boyfriend, if he chooses to stick around and if he is up to the job, he can become their step dad, and may well mean more to them than their biological dad ever would.

I have a birth dd, had treatment with donor eggs (which failed) and have an adopted son. Everyone says the truth is better, they should know their whole lives their dad is a real person, even if he doesn't see them, even though that is hard, but better to deal with it realistically as they grow.

Aside from everything else you have no idea his new man will stick around. Families break up all the time. But to feed them a lie will really screw them up because the truth usually does come out.

Age appropriate true info is always best.

Glad you've decided not to go ahead with it, it was a crazy idea.

I spent 19 years thinking that my dad was my dad, and one drunken night my aunt let it slip he wasn't my bio dad and it wrecked me, had years of depression and counselling.

Introduce him as your special friend, and if it lasts, let them decide if they want to call him dad. Please do tell them about their real dad, don't leave it until they're teens or adults though.

Why would you introduce them to a man they have never met as "Daddy"? What if it doe not work out? You have only known him a year. Intro him as your friend and intro him gradually into their lives. The "daddy" status can only really be earned over time, no matter how brilliant he is with them.

OnlyANameChange "Okay I'm not going to do it, if he does stay around it would be okay for them then for him to be dad to them."

Good. No lies. If he stay and you build a life together then deciding to call him dad will come from them, or he might say if it is really appropriate "You can call me dad if you like, but Bob/Rob/Tim/Tom is fine."

"I am just so angry at my ex I don't think sensibly sometimes." get some help, counselling, to help you to deal with this.

London " Personally id get to know this man. Enjoy being dated without the children and please dont do the uncle thing. Next year another uncle!" So true, just enjoy being wined and dined and have some fun, the future can be exactly that.

"I think I need to start a new thread in relationships or somewhere to help with my anger towards my ex." Good idea.