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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to tell my dc dad is not bio dad

67 replies

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 20:30

I'm 35 my former partner and father to my two twin boys aged three and a half is 23 Back when I was pregnant with them about 7 months I caught my then partner in bed with a man. He had been having an affair with a man for 4 months and he decided to leave me for this partner, but assured me that he would be there for his children. He saw them after they were born and has not seen them since, not for birthdays or anything not even cards.

I've met a new man and have been together for a year. I haven't introduced them to him yet, but am planning to. I thought the other day that maybe I should introduce him as daddy to them as he has said he is happy to take them on.

I just feel that if I don't do this they will feel rejected by their bio dad and If I do tell them he is daddy they will find out later on and feel as though they have been lied to.

I don't know if my intentions are fully in the right place because I'm very angry at my ex. I'm angry how I paid for his life of luxary while he was "looking for a job". I'm angry how he never told me he was bisexual. So maybe I don't have the right intentions.

Also there are no pictures of their real dad anywhere with them as babies.

OP posts:

PastysPrincess · 30/05/2017 20:32

I can understand you wanting to have a father figure for your children but lying to them is not the way to go about it.

Heebejeebees · 30/05/2017 20:32

Seriously? Introduce a man they've never met as 'daddy'???

Squirmy65ghyg · 30/05/2017 20:34

you don't tell your kids a guy you are dating "here's dad". You tell them here's my friend X.

Am a LP too, and it's hard, but this would be very wrong indeed.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/05/2017 20:34

Introduce a stranger to them as daddy??

I'm sorry but that is Crazy with a capital C!!!!!

BitchQueen90 · 30/05/2017 20:34

Please don't. When they get older and find out you have lied, they will resent you for it.

You have to be honest with them. Let them know that he is not their bio dad, but if both they and your DP feel comfortable with it they could call him dad in the future? Just please don't lie to your children.

fruitbats · 30/05/2017 20:36

Please say you are not serious. Lying aside, what if the relationship doesn't last? How many 'daddies' will there be?

Instasista · 30/05/2017 20:36

introduce a stranger you've only known as 5 minutes as daddy? Surely no one is daft enough to do this?

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 20:37

It would be gradual, I'm hoping that he will become a father figure. We aren't dating we are in a relationship.

OP posts:

PeetingPan · 30/05/2017 20:37

Don't do it, you run the risk of them being incredibly angry that they were lied to when they do find out about it.

Family member raised her son to believe that her DP was his dad then when he was 16 she told him the truth. He went absolutely spare. Didn't speak to either of them for months for lying to him his entire life then he wanted to track his 'real' dad down. It wasn't difficult, bio dad still lived locally, but he then had to go through a second rejection as bio dad didn't want anything to do with him when he was born and certainly didn't want anything to do with him at 16yo. He did start aoeaking to him DM again but openly says he'll never forgive her for it.

Pinkheart5917 · 30/05/2017 20:37

So you want to introduce your new partner as daddy? But he isn't daddy he doesn't even know this dc becuase his never met them!

It's only been a year, your new relationship might not even work out then what will you tell them? He wasn't really daddy?

One day will they have to do told about the bio dad anyway so why lie that this new man is daddy?

your head probably isn't in the right place right now

AlternativeTentacle · 30/05/2017 20:38

No no no, what the fuck are you on?

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 20:38

Okay maybe it's not a great idea, but I really don't want them to feel abnormal, feel rejected. Sometimes it's easier to lie isn't it.

OP posts:

KallyBox · 30/05/2017 20:38

Don't do this.

My dBro is "daddy" to his girlfriend's 2 year old twin daughters, and has been ever since she got pregnant six months ago (weeks after they met). The girls will have to be told eventually that he's not their bio dad, as it's not something that can logically be kept a secret (especially when I and my family are not willing to lie about it) and they are going to be devastated.

There is a very good reasons that adoptive parents are told NOT to lie to their children about their biological family. This is exactly the same as that. You will cause all sorts of issues and trauma by lying to your child.

When your child has met your partner and gets to know him, if the relationship lasts, there's a pretty strong chance they will want to call him Daddy. That's their choice. Don't force it on them.

MrsSeptember · 30/05/2017 20:38

When my DM was pregnant with me she met someone else and he then became my 'Dad'. He was on my birth certificate and I didn't find out the truth until I was 10. Don't do this it will fuck with your kid's heads!!!!

Heathen4Hire · 30/05/2017 20:39

What about, "I'd like you meet XXXXX, he is my friend, I hope you like him as much as I do?"

Imamouseduh · 30/05/2017 20:39

No no no.

AnUtterIdiot · 30/05/2017 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/05/2017 20:40

I have never met my biological father. The man my mum met when I was 2, and married when I was 4, is my dad, legally (through adoption) and actually (through a loving relationship). No need for any deception.

Charley50 · 30/05/2017 20:40

Tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. They will find out one day and be very hurt and angry if you lie to them. They can be told that their dad wasn't ready or able to be a parent and that's why he don't see them right now. That he doesn't see them is nothing to do with them; but all to do with his own shortcomings, which you can explain more as they get older.

Introduce DP as your friend. If it gets more serious he will naturally progress to be more of a father figure.

ThePinkOcelot · 30/05/2017 20:40

NO!!! Don't be ridiculous!!

Pinkheart5917 · 30/05/2017 20:40

And if this relationship doesn't work out, you've only been dating 1 year and his never met these dc. Do you not think they will feel rejected then too? How do you think they will feel if your relationship ends andyou say well he wasn't really daddy?

I get your angry at your ex but this won't spite him, it could however hurt the dc a great deal later down the line. It's a huge lie to tell about a man you barely know

c3pu · 30/05/2017 20:42

Christ on a bike, NO!

Honesty will pay dividends here. Speaking from experience as the non biological dad to a child I've raised from birth.

Littlefish · 30/05/2017 20:42

Absolutely don't do it. They have a right to know the truth, told in an age appropriate way.

Introduce your partner as your friend.

Tell them that they have a biological father, but he doesn't see them. Make sure that they can see photos of him if they want to.

givemethecake · 30/05/2017 20:43

Please don't do this. He isn't the dad. He can be stepdad (maybe some day in the far future) but he isn't their dad.

If they grow up knowing they have a dad who hasn't bothered to be around, then it's their choice if they decide to call your partner daddy, but don't tell them to do it. It's not right.

ballerinabelle · 30/05/2017 20:43

onlyanamechange. Hardly abnormal. Plenty of kids out there have no contact with their fathers. Please don't do this. Work hard for them and tell them the truth. That's what they deserve

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