To think my friends ex is taking advantage of her postnatal depression

[Minionsyou]

I'm not sure what to do.

My friend has suffered from postnatal depression since the moment her son was born and despite going to the GP, she has never got out of it. Her son is now just turned 4.

She felt it was partly because she was at home with her son all day every day and so applied for a job in her area of work. She was lucky and got a good job.

Her ex and his family have always wanted custody of the child. No idea why but I think it's partly fuelled by the worry she will move back to live nearer family as she has no support network in the local area. Although she does have some good friends.

My friends ex has asked her to give him their son Monday-Friday and she have him every weekend. This way she doesn't have to pay for childcare or struggle with the demands of a working single mum and their son gets to be looked after by his nana rather than a nursery.

My friend says she wants this arrangement.

My worry is, she is still suffering with postnatal depression and has never fully bonded with her son. She also has no car, little money and no family in the area. She admits herself if she could get a job in her hometown she wouldn't even be considering this as her parents could help with her son.

However she has not been able to get a job back in her hometown and for now needs to stay where she is.

I'm very concerned but I'm not sure if I'm worrying about nothing.

It's clear she needs to work for her own mental health. And she's in desperate need of a break from her son so that she can destress and work on their relationship. But I'm not sure that giving her ex her son during the week is the answer. She is a brilliant mum and her son is a lovely, happy boy who loves her.

Currently her son is in school near her. However her ex is only willing to have him if he moves to a school near him.

Her ex drives and could drive him to and from the school he's in now. He just wants him to be in school in his area so he has a stronger case if she wants their son back. He also could easily move nearer her but is insisting on staying where he is even though he only rents and works out of area.

His parents are suddenly being lovely to her. I think this is to make sure she goes through with it.

Her parents agree with the move as they think her job is demanding and she won't be able to do the job as well as work and her son would be in childcare too much.

I know you're going to say this is none of my business. And if I felt she was truly happy with the decision I wouldn't even be questioning it. I just feel at the moment she is depressed,
Lonely and stressed from looking after a child single handedly for four years. She's desperate for a break and the social interaction of a job. But the decision she is making is huge and in a year once she's been in her job a year, is financially comfortable (it's a decent wage) and has had the childfree break, she might regret th decision.

I really do feel her ex and his family are hugely taking advantage of her vulnerability right now. They could easily offer to help her but offering to have him one night a week, or take him to and from school some days of the week. But they're pushing for Monday-Friday custody.

AIBU to be concerned?

I'm glad she realises now. A man so manipulative that he doesn't contribute properly to his kid and has no interest in helping with childcare unless he gets total control is one who would create huge damage and try to alienate the kid from her once he got custody. It's all about control for people like that.

I know it's hard as a single parent but she'll find a way through it. I'd encourage her to go after him for all the cm he owes and take him to court for more if possible.

I habe this arrangement with my ex. He has my son mom-fri and I have him at the weekend. I'd never ever conaider d I'd given up custody! Now I'm very worried.

Of course her son loves her. That's what children do - they love their parents. Both of them. Mum and Dad if he sticks around to build a relationship with the child.

I think your friend needs to do what is best for her son. And if that is allowing him to live with her ex for most of the week, so be it. But changing his school? Nope. That won't be best for her son. He's settled there, presumably has friends, and if the ex drives...? He has no need to be uprooted from that.

Perhaps your friend could see her son every day, or every other day. Skype, or facetime, or actual physical time together. She does need to continue to build a relationship with her child if she has PND... because my concern would be that, if this goes ahead, she'll relish not having a child and it'll evolve into her never seeing him. Which won't do the child any good at all.

Of course it's your business as her friend. You care about her and her child - that much is obvious. You are concerned about this huge step she's contemplating taking, not only for her sake but also for that of her son. If I were you? I'd be advising her to seek legal advice concerning this arrangement, perhaps. Because yes; I also feel that her ex's parents (who are suddenly lovely... which means they weren't before this was mooted, which suggests that this is their idea, not the ex's!) are taking advantage through their son.

Thank goodness she's realised!
Are there good reasons why she doesn't drive? because I think it's going to be greatly to her benefit to learn how, if there are no real blocks to her doing so.
I hope that her ex and his parents accept her decision and do not continue to press her (although it sounds like his parents didn't really realise what was going on, but that could be a smokescreen).

My prediction for her future, if she had gone ahead with this, would have been terrible regret once the PND cleared and she realised what she had done. But hopefully this will work out and the PND will resolve with her being at work again, and under less stress.

The one extremely helpful thing her parents could do is loan her the money to learn to drive. If they funded an intensive course before she starts her job it would make a huge difference to her life and considerably cut down on the time their grandson spends in childcare each day as her commute will be shorter. Is there a way you can suggest they actually help, rather than them sitting on the sidelines disapproving?

contrary I think you've missed the part where the father is only interested in becoming the RP whilst leaving said child with his own parents. And just when the mother is starting work again.
And you've missed the fact that he isn't interested in having him 3 days instead of 5 (which would be closer to 50/50)

Which really all points out to the fact he was after some child maintenance. The one he has never paid fully.
It's not about the mum, or the mum having PND etc... or about him wanting to spend time with his ds and doing the best for the child.

50/50 max. No school move. Otherwise she'll find herself hit with an action for full custody within a year.

Can you help her learn to drive? While her son is at school or with his dad?

Blue - nope, I hadn't missed it at all. Did you miss the part where if her son doesn't change schools, the ex won't want to have him? The child is settled in his current school, there is no reason to shift him from there - so, ergo, he stays with his mum being the RP. Which is probably best for him in this case. Who's to say he won't fret about being parted from her, especially if he's picked up on her PND...?