To think my friends ex is taking advantage of her postnatal depression

[Minionsyou]

I'm not sure what to do.

My friend has suffered from postnatal depression since the moment her son was born and despite going to the GP, she has never got out of it. Her son is now just turned 4.

She felt it was partly because she was at home with her son all day every day and so applied for a job in her area of work. She was lucky and got a good job.

Her ex and his family have always wanted custody of the child. No idea why but I think it's partly fuelled by the worry she will move back to live nearer family as she has no support network in the local area. Although she does have some good friends.

My friends ex has asked her to give him their son Monday-Friday and she have him every weekend. This way she doesn't have to pay for childcare or struggle with the demands of a working single mum and their son gets to be looked after by his nana rather than a nursery.

My friend says she wants this arrangement.

My worry is, she is still suffering with postnatal depression and has never fully bonded with her son. She also has no car, little money and no family in the area. She admits herself if she could get a job in her hometown she wouldn't even be considering this as her parents could help with her son.

However she has not been able to get a job back in her hometown and for now needs to stay where she is.

I'm very concerned but I'm not sure if I'm worrying about nothing.

It's clear she needs to work for her own mental health. And she's in desperate need of a break from her son so that she can destress and work on their relationship. But I'm not sure that giving her ex her son during the week is the answer. She is a brilliant mum and her son is a lovely, happy boy who loves her.

Currently her son is in school near her. However her ex is only willing to have him if he moves to a school near him.

Her ex drives and could drive him to and from the school he's in now. He just wants him to be in school in his area so he has a stronger case if she wants their son back. He also could easily move nearer her but is insisting on staying where he is even though he only rents and works out of area.

His parents are suddenly being lovely to her. I think this is to make sure she goes through with it.

Her parents agree with the move as they think her job is demanding and she won't be able to do the job as well as work and her son would be in childcare too much.

I know you're going to say this is none of my business. And if I felt she was truly happy with the decision I wouldn't even be questioning it. I just feel at the moment she is depressed,
Lonely and stressed from looking after a child single handedly for four years. She's desperate for a break and the social interaction of a job. But the decision she is making is huge and in a year once she's been in her job a year, is financially comfortable (it's a decent wage) and has had the childfree break, she might regret th decision.

I really do feel her ex and his family are hugely taking advantage of her vulnerability right now. They could easily offer to help her but offering to have him one night a week, or take him to and from school some days of the week. But they're pushing for Monday-Friday custody.

AIBU to be concerned?

It strikes me as a bit suspicious that the ex only wants to be the resident parent now that the mum has a full time job, and will have to pay maintenance. How much did ex/ his family offer to have the child when the mum was strugggling through pnd with a needy baby, or a demanding toddler, to give her the break she needed?

Your friend may find her financial situation is not as good as she anticipates as she will end up paying child support for her DS

How much did ex/ his family offer to have the child when the mum was strugggling through pnd with a needy baby, or a demanding toddler, to give her the break she needed?
Good point

They've been asking for custody since he was born. She's only considered it now as she has a full time job.

She knows she will have to pay child maintenance and wouldn't have it any other way anyway.

They did help. She had to go through csa to get him to pay child support and he's only been paying for 3 months but he did help her financially. He also had their son every weekend and the child's nana buys him most things he needs.

It was more the social isolation I think. I'm sure things will improve when she's got a job.

Thing is, all the 'I wouldn't advise this' makes it sound as though you think your friend is doing the wrong thing. She may well have agonized about this decision, but believes (quite possibly correctly) that it's the right call for her son, and for her. And it's equally possible the father believes that it is right for all the parties. Please don't try to guilt her into thinking that she's a bad mother for doing this.

It sounds like an involved father is stepping up. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Strikes me that the only reason people are viewing this as suspicious is because he is a man. And whereas his solution is to have the child during the week, her's is to move the child away from his father altogether. IMO his solution would be best for the child.

OP, why do you think this would be bad for the child?

Mind you, if she's having to pay maintenance, she wont' actually be keeping her DS 5 nights a week, she won't be paying out for childcare. I've not seen any threads on child maintance from a couple who have split without being married where the support the CSA comes up with in any way reflects 50% of the true cost of raising a child.

Iwould have thought the timing is now that the 4 year old won't need grandmother to offer full time care while her DS works, just wrap around, which a lot of older people find a lot easier to cope with than a baby/toddler. (Even full days in the school holidays with a school aged child is a lot easier than full days with toddlers, particularly if the dad is prepared to pay out for clubs/classes/camps for part of each day.)

There is a lot to be said for putting the needs of the child first. This sounds like the best of the options available for the child - assuming the Dad is a good parent. He might not have had his DS for more than 2 nights in a row, but it sounds like he has a lot of family support to help out.

So whats the issue?

I genuinely dont get what the problem is. Even the moving school bit. If this was the other way round and the mother wanted to move her childs school to somewhere nearby, most people would agree its the right thing to do.

So what if he becomes the RP, if everyone is happy.....whats the problem?

If the job does not work out, she will have lost primary residence, will not get help with her living costs and child benefit, but will be liable for maintenance. So she could end up in a situation where she can no longer live near her child and may have to move to her own family and will lose contact with her child.

It is probably better for her to have child at bedtimes etc, as that is what they are both used to. Then maybe a day each at the weekend or alternate weekends. The grandparents could do some of the childcare for her if they are so keen. Presumably the father works all week too - unless he is intending to live off the maintenance and his parents.

It is too soon for the father's family to take the child all week.

See. He had no interest in helping before (no wonder she had pnd) and has only being paying cm for a few months. They don't care about the kid and they certainly don't care about helping her. Once they get this kid she's going to be shut out.

She'd be a fool to go along with this. As a friend you're right to be very worried and I think you should honestly explain your worries and the worst possible scenarios because once she loses her kid, she'll spend thousands trying to get him back with a strong likelihood of never getting him back.

This is also why I always tell people to be very careful who you share your private medical information with. There'll always be a few bastards who'll look to use that information to gain advantage over you. They see weakness and she's completely blind to the sharks coming her way.

i think this woman, with her untreated PND who's finally got a job handing the kid to dad of the decade who's paid 'a few months' CSA and left her drowning in PND is about to lose her kid while she's not in any fit state to fight it... it feels exploitative in some way.

She has a professional qualification so I'd be surprised if she found herself unemployed. It's a permanent job she is going to and she can easily find work with such a sought after qualification.

However, you can never say never and yes she may find herself without a job.

She currently has a council house and is going to apply for a council house in the area her ex lives. She wants to live within walking distance of her son. If she did this I think the arrangement would work fine as when he gets older he can pop into both houses.
The issue is the ex could move and take their son with her. Although she's probably win back custody if it went to court considering she made the decision with PND.
But nothing is guaranteed.

It just all seems a bad decision on her part.

OP you are right to be concerned, your friend will struggle to ever become the resident parent again if she goes ahead with this plan.

It just all seems a bad decision on her part

Why??? You really haven't said anything that would make me think it would be anything but positive for the child.

Regarding your update, no she wouldn't win back custody when the child is settled in school etc. Regardless of the reasons for first making the arrangements. And it would cost her THOUSANDS trying to do so.

Her ideal scenario would be for her ex to live in the same area and then share custody. Her have her son 3 nights a week, him 4. However she is very reliant on him as she does not drive so would need him to grab him off her first thing in the morning.

At the moment she cannot drive, lives semi rurally and unless a childminder can collect and pick up (some offer it) she would be unable to work.

She is aware of she keeps him her son would be in childcare full time Monday-Friday and she doesn't want that for him.

Her ex needs to work full time if he isn't resident parent he claims. So can't help Monday-Friday.

Domino20, if she lived in the area and could facilitate him going to that school it would be different.

It's not guaranteed but I would t say it wasnt impossible.

I agree that the consequences could be bad though.

However maybe she simply doesn't mind!!

So he wants the custody of his son, has wanted since the start BUT has hardly paid any maintenance (she had to go to the CSA for him to pay anything). And he didn't help when she needed him the most.

Im really wondering. What is motivating your friend to leave her ds with his dad all week, granting his the role of the RP, when he hasnt shown any signs of being agood afther before? And why now when its the isolation that made it so hard for her? So i would imagine, she would found things easier whilst she working full time (and i can understand her, working full time made things 100x easier for me too).

Is the issue there the fact that full time nursery would be too expensive?? Why 'giving up' when things are strating to look easier for her?

If she's not really bonded to the boy, this sadly might be a relief for her.

It sounds like the best arrangement for the boy, for both parents' careers, for the Nanna, and for the woman who isn't really coping very well with being a single parent.

It isn't the norm for a mother to not be the primary carer, and is looked down on to 'give up' your DCs in a way that a father with the exact same access pattern is considered a great dad.

Support your friend, she's probably feeling guilty that she wants to do this.

Her ex needs to work full time if he isn't resident parent he claims. So can't help Monday-Friday.
So his plan is to stop working and to live from the child maintenance when he has never paid anything to her?
Or is he going to work still and then her ds will be in childcare anyway?
Or oter possibility, is it her MIL who will look afer him for another year (just ONE year) and if so, why cant she do that if the child stays with your friend? Assuming its all done for the good of the child of course

*a father with the exact same access pattern is considered a great dad.

Support your friend, she's probably feeling guilty that she wants to do this*

Exactly this!

You are not listening to your friend or considering what's best for the child!

I am reading about a mother who is struggling and a father who is perhaps a bit worried and wants to step up. Parenting and being the resident parent is not about ownership of the child, it's about what's best for the child. My friend was stepmum to a boy and they had him through the week and he went to his mum's at weekend, it worked really well. And of course he went to school near his dad's house, he could walk there with his friends every day and play out with them.. It didn't mean my friend's husband was trying to steal his son, it just worked better for them that way.

This may give your friend the space to get back on her feet, and get into her new job. It also gives her the weekends for the fun stuff. It's a better solution than dragging the child back to where her family is so he doesn't see his dad as much. If parents can work together and find the best solution for their child it's great, the child wins. Nobody can take the child away from her. If the father decides to move, or the mother wants to take more control in the future it can all be taken back to court. She's still his mum, she will still see him and still have a relationship with him. No courts going to stop that, surely.

She worked for 6 months and had to give it up. She simply couldn't work and get her son dressed for the day/come home
To putting him to bed etc

Also she was constantly worrying about having to do overtime or an emergency coming up at work. It was a nightmare.

So to be fair she feels she can only
Work if his dad has him in the week. But lots of working mums do this day in and day out. I do.
You get used to it and I feel it was her PND that made it difficult. Also her son is 4 now, he will be much easier to look after in just a few years. She also doesn't have a car but again this will be easier once she has one.

She would also be on over 30k a year so
Could possibly afford someone to pick her son up and stay later/give him his tea at her house.

She has friends willing to do this but they're all in her hometown.

She has no support here. I don't
Live anywhere near her either.

Where she lives is great for work opportunities though. It's where she needs to be now.

However in one year she could move and get a job elsewhere. I know deep down she'd probably like to move back to her hometown and she will
Not be able to if she loses custody.

She will be stuck in a place where she has no support.

I just think her ex could move, he could agree to shared custody. The fact he won't makes
Me think he hasn't their sons best interests at heart.

Difficult. She needs to be aware of the implicatioms of giving up,residence - which is what she is doing - and decide if she can live with them long term. Mainly, she will never get to move with her child nearer to her parents.

She should also consider the reality of every weekend after working all week. No down time. No space within which to form a new relationship. Smacks of control on the part of the ex but I have been there so am somewhat cynical. What happens if he refuses to help with transporting the child to see mum? How accessible is his home via public transport? Has he ever either threatened not to return the child or gone through with not returning him (even if only for a couple of hours?)

You are right to be wary on her behalf - a free half hour with a local solicitor might clarify for her? You could go with her?

Those who ,suggest it's not an issue have clearly never had to deal with what this means as a parent, nor have they had someone breathing down their necks trying to remove their child from their care. If it helps, my ex tried this with the courts saying it would give me all the quality time and him all the work. Neither CAFCASS nor the judge agreed it was reasonable.