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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Engagement Party Hosting Rant

91 replies

Bitchywaitress · 29/05/2017 19:27

Just recently we did a small engagement party for cocktails only. This was all friends of the same age group, about 18 people.

They ran a tab, then at the end queued at the bar to pay individually for the exact drinks they had consumed, leaving as a group not a penny of a tip for the bar staff that had provided table service all night, mixed them custom cocktails and even cut and served the engagement cake they had brought. (We normally only allow guests dining to bring their own cake.). Anyway my AIBU is....

Aren't engagement parties about letting the families meet each other, not getting pissed with your friends so everyone can 'celebrate your love', it seems so self indulgent.

Am I right or wrong in thinking, isn't it crap hosting to not provide even a single drink to your guests? Or no nibbles, no entertainment, no transport.

Btw the cake was brought by one of the guests as a surprise, so the plan was no food at all for a party 7pm till midnight. We do bar snacks from £4.

I just think if you can't afford at least some basic level of hospitality, then don't throw unnecessary parties of which the primary goal is to celebrate yourselves.

Comments, disagreements and all welcome.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bitchywaitress · 30/05/2017 01:18

For what it's worth, 99% of customers are lovely. And that includes the Chinese tourists that don't tip as it's not in their culture, but are so polite and SO happy when they get their lobster and iconic wines.

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 30/05/2017 01:26

It doesn't sound like an engagement 'party' to me. It sounds like a group of friends celebrating an engagement with cocktails. I have a group of friends who celebrate things like that and the reason is that no-one has a house big enough to accomodate everyone who won't have their children at home being looked after by babysitters.

It's more a celebration/gathering than a traditional party being hosted by someone. In those situations we all buy our own drinks and food.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 30/05/2017 02:54

I'm with you OP. But I seem to be in the minority.

It needn't be labelled a party...Just people who had drinks in celebration of an engagement. And then someone showed up with a cake.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/05/2017 03:04

I actually couldn't agree with you more, waitress. And I think if you'd related this exact situation to any one of us over a drink at a bar, most of us would whole-heartedly agree with you.

I certainly would. Who throws an engagement party at a bar, and doesn't at least stump up some free drinks for guests, if not have an open bar? And then not even leave a tip?!

Unfortunately, the way you worded the OP was ripe for people piling on to tell you you're being U. And that's exactly what's happened.

You're not wrong, though. 🍻🥂

Only1scoop · 30/05/2017 04:10

Doesn't sound like an event just friends meeting for drinks. Bloody tight of hosts not to leave tip though, I reckon all guests went home via local chippy.

bloodymaria · 30/05/2017 04:23

It's so weird that you care so much! Let it go? You're coming across slightly bitter.

TheNaze73 · 30/05/2017 07:36

Do you have a bigger issue here OP? 4 pages in & I'm struggling to see what the problem is & why it's bothering you?

AvoidingCallenetics · 30/05/2017 07:37

I think people consider that if they are paying a lot of money for drinks/meals that the cost of serving them has been built into the pricing.
It's not like you can go to a restaurant/bar and get your own food/drink - getting it brought to the table is part of the experience of eating out. Service is an overhead of the business and is why you pay £30 for a bottle of wine that is really only worth £7.
The problem is with venues taking the piss by overcharging and then not passing over enough of that money to the staff. I don't feel it is the customer's responsibility to pay lots for a meal and pay extra for service.
I do tip if I think the venue is charging fairly, but not if I think I'm overpaying.
I don't tip cabbies either. I wouldn't tip the sales assistant in a shop, so what makes certain jobs the exception?

user1492287253 · 30/05/2017 07:44

ive clearly lost the plot. you tip in a bar?

user1471456357 · 30/05/2017 08:00

I agree,op,seriously who doesn't tip in a situation as you describe. Mean.

MackerelOfFact · 30/05/2017 08:05

It's just semantics really, isn't it? How you you know they were throwing a engagement 'party'? Maybe they described it as a gathering, or drinks, or a get-together?

I've been invited to loads of such events - birthdays, engagements, leaving dos, retirements - and the buy-your-own-drinks format is universally employed, unless it's at someone's house.

The setup you describe sounds totally normal, OP, or it is at least among my 30-something Londoner friends. Unless you're much older or live somewhere that's culturally different, surely it's so unremarkable it's hardly worth thinking about?!

Vq1970 · 30/05/2017 09:07

I think people are focusing too much on the tipping aspect of the OP whereas what I think she's asking is that is it unreasonable to host a party for 5 hours, expect people to come and celebrate your good news, possibly bring you presents and not actually contribute a penny towards any of it i.e. no food, no welcoming drink and not even thanking the staff for their service. It's all me me me but not giving anything in return. If the host invited people to a party, she's been very tight. If she suggested going out for drinks and didn't expect anything in return then fine.

We have a lovely cocktail bar where I live and I always tip the staff at the end. It's not much but I appreciate the time they've taken to make proper cocktails from scratch (not using mixes), using good quality ingredients and for the table service.

Original poster

Bitchywaitress · 30/05/2017 10:41

TheNaz The bigger issue is the lack of manners people have. It seems (a minority) of people lose all sense of decorum when they get engaged.

For another example, I used to manage a restaurant that did bring your own wine in addition to us having a bar. We had a hen party of 20 booked from 6pm till 8pm. Most of the ladies showed up on time. We offered drinks but they said the bride and bridesmaids were bringing the wine so they just stuck with tap water.

The bridal party showed up 1 hour 15 minutes late, drunk, and having brought a couple of cases of cheap wine from the incredible overpriced city centre grocer next door.

The wine was warm, and the ladies had to be raced through their 3 course meal in 45 minutes. We put the wine on ice, but most of it was left behind as they didn't have time to drink it.

It's just a lack of basic hospitality.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 30/05/2017 10:55

It was a social gathering of a group of friends having cocktails i wouldn't excately call it a party but a celebration. But seriously op your still going on about it this what does it matter?

hibbledobble · 30/05/2017 11:30

I've never heard of tips for bar staff for making cocktails before.

Yes I do think it was odd though that the hosts didn't at least provide nibbles. There isn't much hosting there.

We went to an engagement party which was a picnic in a park to save money (fine). Very oddly though there was absolutely no food or drink to share. I had cooked a big dish and offered to share it, but other guests turned their noses up. The hosts offered us zilch. We weren't even introduced to other guests. We sat there on our own and ate our food then left. We did try to talk to others bit found them rather icy. Whole experience was rather bizarre.

MommaGee · 30/05/2017 14:14

Ok the park party sounds odd...

I think it says alto about your sense of entitlement if you expect to not have to buy a drink or food at any kind of party hosted by someone else or else you're all so incredibly well off that you can justify it.

I don't consider going for engagmenet drinks or to a wedding as doing the couple a favor. Same with an organosed meet the baby or a christening etc. Surely its an honour to be invited to share in peoples happiness not an obligation repaid in booze

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