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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement Party Hosting Rant

91 replies

Bitchywaitress · 29/05/2017 19:27

Just recently we did a small engagement party for cocktails only. This was all friends of the same age group, about 18 people.

They ran a tab, then at the end queued at the bar to pay individually for the exact drinks they had consumed, leaving as a group not a penny of a tip for the bar staff that had provided table service all night, mixed them custom cocktails and even cut and served the engagement cake they had brought. (We normally only allow guests dining to bring their own cake.). Anyway my AIBU is....

Aren't engagement parties about letting the families meet each other, not getting pissed with your friends so everyone can 'celebrate your love', it seems so self indulgent.

Am I right or wrong in thinking, isn't it crap hosting to not provide even a single drink to your guests? Or no nibbles, no entertainment, no transport.

Btw the cake was brought by one of the guests as a surprise, so the plan was no food at all for a party 7pm till midnight. We do bar snacks from £4.

I just think if you can't afford at least some basic level of hospitality, then don't throw unnecessary parties of which the primary goal is to celebrate yourselves.

Comments, disagreements and Biscuit all welcome.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/05/2017 22:31

The couple shod have left a decent tip.

Penfold007 · 29/05/2017 22:34

Bitchy why should anyone tip you or your colleagues for doing your err job?

lastcheesestraw · 29/05/2017 22:35

Wow, this thread is so mean and judgemental.

You don't know the circumstancess of the couple or their freinds.

Perhaps they are all quite strapped for a cash and they all preferred to pay for their own drinks. Otherwise many might not have attended at all.

Perhaps, like us, they have never had a party for anything and really wanted one just this once but had a tiny budget.

Perhaps they agreed that guests would buy food if they wanted it.

Perhaps the wedding is going to be small and family only.

Perhaps they ALL wanted an excuse for a party, not just the engaged couple.

Perhaps, like us, their tenancy agreement forbids social gatherings!!!

I agree if it was necessary there should have been a service charge notified in advance. Surely an experienced manager wil spot those who won't splurge on food and make sure the venue doesn't lose out.

Unless the people were rude and obnoxious, I really don't understand why you wouldn't just shrug and mind your own business. We can never know exactly what is going on in other people's lives - why jump to mean conclusions?

Jayfee · 29/05/2017 22:42

Why don't all bars and restaurants pay staff well enough not to need tips.

NapQueen · 29/05/2017 22:47

The price of the drink includes running costs for the venue. An £8 mojito has nowhere near £8 of ingredients - the extra is to pay for the other stuff, and profit.
So you werent tipped. Big deal. You do a job and you earn a wage. Nurses, teachers, dentiss etc all get a wage and no tips.

Maybe they didnt want to do food due to allergies? Maybe one of their parents foisted an engagement party on them ans they didnt exactly want one

Original poster
Bitchywaitress · 29/05/2017 22:50

So there was no food from 7pm till midnight because of allergies?

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 29/05/2017 22:53

I don't like the whole tipping thing - people get paid to serve drinks and wait on tables. If I was paying £12 per cocktail I would expect the bar to be paying decent wages! As was said up thread, teachers and nurses don't get tips.

I do agree that if you host a party, you should actually do some hosting - buy a few drinks, supply some food.

NapQueen · 29/05/2017 22:53

I dont know, it was just a suggestion! Maybe one of the engaged couple are dairy free or whatever and didnt want to have a buffet they couldnt eat?

Im just speculating. My overall point though is that you arent them. You cant know why they had what they had. Thefe could be reasons. Honestly, just go to work, do your job and get your wage. Stop critiquing your customers so much. They are the reason you have a job.

DaisyDando · 29/05/2017 22:58

YANBU

Slimthistime · 29/05/2017 22:59

I agree op
I'm a bit unclear about service though
If guests pad for their own drinks they might have thought the couple would pay a generous amount for service?

But then again, if people invite you to their engagement and won't pay for drinks....

I did want a party for my 40th in a nice bar but the cost was too high. So I just didn't have it. Maybe when I'm 50!

SaucyJack · 29/05/2017 22:59

Oh YANBU! A group of friends going out to a bar for celebratory drinks!? Like WTF is wrong with them!?

DisCUSSting.

HundredMilesAnHour · 29/05/2017 23:01

YANBU. Sounds like a bunch of selfish people who don't have a clue. Certainly doesn't like an engagement party.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2017 23:03

YANBU. Engagement parties are wank, anyway.

PovertyJetset · 29/05/2017 23:05

bitchy I'm so with you on this one and I fear I might be an old gimmer as I think it's just good manners to provide a basic yet decent level of hosting. Your engagement party sounds like a right bunch of show offs and terribly crass to boot!

GOASTT · 29/05/2017 23:08

YANBU. If I couldn't afford to put a few hundred quid behind the bar then I'd just host at home. Which is what we did do actually, so that we could afford to do nice food, have champagne etc. and it was lovely. I wouldn't expect people to go out somewhere pricy and buy their own drinks all night for any celebration that was for me/DH.

MontyPythonsFlyingFuck · 29/05/2017 23:10

Allergies that miraculously excluded that notorious gluten-rich, egg-rich, dairy-rich, possibly nut-infested foodstuff, CAKE?

Jesus, the level of reading comprehension round here is really not great. The OP clearly asks whether it's reasonable, if you have a fairly limited budget and/or are not prepared to have your engagement party at home/in a cheap pub, to expect your friends to pay £50+ a head for the dubious privilege of attending in a very fancy venue. And for the happy couple then to provide absolutely NOTHING by way of food, starter drinks or tips to the venue. And for me the answer is SINBU and the happy (MEAN) couple ABVU.

m0therofdragons · 29/05/2017 23:12

If the party was in the USA then absolutely they should have tipped however in the U.K. a tip it lovely but not obligatory as wages in hospitality is higher here than in the States. If they were happy with a piss up where everybody pays there way and only had drinks no food then what's it got to do with you? Ime different friendship groups have different etiquette rules so it's up to them!

m0therofdragons · 29/05/2017 23:13

Their not there ffs - must proof read before posting.

AuldHeathen · 29/05/2017 23:15

The tipping shtick is a very British thing anyway. Let's be more like the mainland Europeans and have the service included in the bill and the serving staff a decent living wage. Oh, no, I forgot the British don't like the European way. Or half of them at any rate.

BackforGood · 29/05/2017 23:20

because the hosts were too tight to give the bartenders an extra £10 for waiting on them hand and foot

Er.... you mean the staff did the job they are paid to do (and paid handsomely I'd like to hope if the venue is charging £12 a drink Hmm)

YAB V U.
Doesn't matter what you call it, this couple were clearly having a night out with their pals, and celebrating the fact they'd got engaged. Isn't that what people do in cocktail bars - you know, go out with friends to celebrate things ???
Your post is very odd. Can't quite understand why someone who works in a bar / restaurant, would complain about a group of people coming into that bar / restaurant, to , well, avail themselves of the facilities. How strange.

Original poster
Bitchywaitress · 29/05/2017 23:21

Me and DH didn't have an engagement party, didn't see the point.

The ones my siblings had were in very naice venues but the full cost was covered by the dads.

One of DH siblings had a massive one with 100 people but there was a huge and delicious home made cold buffet, and as it was at a working mans club the drinks were cheap as chips. I think I spent about a tenner.

Why are people banging on about the bartenders tip? It was just an example of trying to do a fancy event on the cheap. Most of our clientele are city types who tip very well, providing they receive excellent service. They understand how it works.

As for all the anti tipping brigade on this thread, image if £12.5K of your household budget was dependent on tips. Or perhaps you think everyone can manage on minimum wage just fine?

OP posts:
bunnylove99 · 29/05/2017 23:22

OP. Yanbu unreasonable. The happy couple to be sound like complete meany tight wads. If they are hosting they should provide some level of hospitality to their guests. A round of drinks and a buffet at the least. If they were happy with the service they should have tipped too. I bet they were happy enough to scoop up a pile of engagement presents at the end if the evening.

Underthemoonlight · 29/05/2017 23:27

Try working in America where they have to rely on tips because they don't get a living wage, whilst having to cover their costs of health care.

Original poster
Bitchywaitress · 29/05/2017 23:28

Thank you bunny and others. It's just an example of me me me. Fuck me and could tell some stories about badly hosted hen parties. They show bridezilla and maidzilla at their finest!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitchywaitress · 29/05/2017 23:29

Fuck me I could tell some stories

OP posts: