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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how many 'fathers' actually go through with court threats?

25 replies

user1487854472 · 28/05/2017 19:34

ExH threatening court, an abusive bully of a man. 1 year old daughter and I have always allowed contact (supervised) even pushed him to see his daughter. Do many of these 'fathers' actually follow through with these threats? I don't actually think I could cope with the court process.

OP posts:

Krispiesquare · 28/05/2017 19:40

Watching with interest. I'm assuming they once it comes to putting their hand in their pocket then some will probably bulk. It would depend though.

ShapelyBingoWing · 28/05/2017 19:44

My ex didn't. And he can definitely afford it. I reckon it's a combination of him not wanting me to go into detail about his abusive behaviour in court and that he doesn't fancy spending the money (he can afford it).

ShapelyBingoWing · 28/05/2017 19:45

Im so certain he can afford it, I felt the need to tell you twice

DawnOfTheMombie · 28/05/2017 19:47

Mine didn't. Keeps telling all and sundry he is but 15 months later and nada. He won't cough up £20 a week child support he ain't got gonna pay court fees. He also knows that he'll be looked into very closely by CAFCASS and therefore he won't have a leg to stand on and would be lucky to get supervised access.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 19:51

Mine has because he is that arrogant and entitled.

I've been pleasantly surprised though. I've won easily at 3 hearings so far. I think the main thing is is that I have always acted in our dc best interests whereas he has constantly put his needs first. The judges aren't daft, they have seen straight through him.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 19:54

I should add that if there is abuse you will be entitled to legal aid. I am and my ex isn't.

twentytwotwentysix · 28/05/2017 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleWingSoul · 28/05/2017 19:57

My DDs 'father' hasn't in the last 5 years of non-existent contact and no CM payments. Like other PP, I assume that even if he was bothered enough to take me to court for contact he knows full well this would be taken into account, as well as DV and abusive behaviour documented by police and health visitors.

Frankly, for all his posturing, he just doesn't care enough.

LittleWingSoul · 28/05/2017 19:58

Missing a few commas in there!

Majorgoodwinschickenbeatstrump · 28/05/2017 19:59

Not all 'fathers' are the same though OP, some genuinely need the courts to help them.

corlan · 28/05/2017 20:06

I've been threatened with court every year for the last 10 years. Never happens though.
Does your XH want to spend the money to go to court and does he want more access than he currently gets? If the answer to these questions is 'no' ,then he's just bullshitting and trying to bully you.

Original poster

user1487854472 · 28/05/2017 20:10

major Oh I completely understand that. I really feel for those fathers who genuinely care for their children. Unfortunately, my daughter's father does not seem to care for her, she is purely another way to try to control me and to bully me. I feel he is a real danger to my daughter and to myself. So the thought of him taking me to court and trying to manipulate the judge, terrifies me. Thankfully i would be able to get legal aid.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1487854472 · 28/05/2017 20:12

Corlan I've stupidly allowed him whatever access he would like, most of which he never turns up to. He pays the absolute minimum in maintenance and is in a fair bit of debt. I think money for alcohol and cigarettes would come first. But I'm not sure if the control would ultimately be more important to him.

OP posts:

DawnOfTheMombie · 28/05/2017 21:05

I thought the control and continued abuse of me would mean that my ex would take me to court but he hasn't.

He does however have a new sob story to tell people as he absolutely loves playing the victim.

corlan · 28/05/2017 22:25

It might be worth telling him that standard access would be every other weekend and half the holidays. If he's like my ex, this will put him off as they really just want to be in control but they don't want to put in any work or spend any money on their kids.
Try not to let him get to you - I know it's easier said than done .

kaytee87 · 28/05/2017 23:25

User don't worry about him manipulating the judge, they're not in that position by luck and I'll bet they're a damn sight smarter than your ex.
I'd say for a lot of men sadly it's just posturing and they won't follow through.

Sexstarvedredhead · 28/05/2017 23:37

My ex did not. Fucked about with paperwork and looked a proper whingy child come the divorce hearing as he was under some delusion he'd get a chance to tell the judge that everything was my fault. I swear he had images of me in stocks for my unobedient ways.

WidoWanky · 29/05/2017 00:46

Mine did. 17 times. But he only paid once to set the case up, under 100 quid I think, then he could keep going and going and going...

Each time he claimed he was trying to protect the kids (that he never bothered to turn up to see) but all he did was slag me off, ie, I wasn't feeding them / dressing them / looking after them properly. How he had the nerve when he wasnt even paying maintenence i have no idea. But he got his ass whipped every time.

If it happens, it's worth taking a solicited first time to learn the ropes. Then it's like meeting old friends again! I regularly saw 2 circuit judges. They were lovely and very respectful.

Original poster

user1487854472 · 29/05/2017 07:15

Wido 17 times?! You poor thing! How stressful for you.

If it did go to court, then I'd want indefinite supervised contact, but I know that wouldn't happen. How can you feel ok about handing your child over to someone who has huge potential to put them at risk 😢 And knowing you have no choice over this.

OP posts:

user1000000000000000001 · 29/05/2017 07:34

im in a very similar position to you with a 2 year old and 7 month old.. would agree to indefinite supervised contact only but thay will never happen so im going for indirect updates only!

hoping my ex doesnt bother. even though he could self represent I think the fact je got a conviction for dv in the past 6 months i think he would need legal help to get what he wants.

Seenoevil · 29/05/2017 08:44

My partner took his ex to court, she just kept saying no to access or was trying to make it supervised by her all the time and he obv wanted his child without his ex watching them. They went to court 3-4 times and he was awarded unsupervised access every other weekend with overnights but he doesn't do drugs, he's not abusive and he pays child support. She just didn't want to let him have his child as she was still clinging on to hope that he would get back with her and she thought the more he seen her and his child together that he would go back. He didn't.

Hulder · 29/05/2017 09:44

Given your ex doesn't even turn up to his current contact it's unlikely he is going to get far is it?

If he really really really wanted the contact he would be religiously turning up, massively interested in their lives etc. But as you have rightly spotted, he isn't, he's just interested in bullying you and has noticed that threatening court is a good way to go about it.

Chances are, he won't. Even if he does, you'll have a solicitor. And he'll still be a twat who hasn't turned up to his existing contact.

Not exactly going to go well for him, is it?

Coolmamma45 · 29/05/2017 10:45

It's certainly a possibility that you shouldn't rule out. I think it's important that you can prove that you have encouraged contact as Courts like that. Perhaps keep a diary and make sure arrangements are in writing so he can't say you were obstructing contact. Unfortunately abusive men use the Court process to further victimise.

Violetcharlotte · 29/05/2017 10:54

My abusive ex was full of how he'd take me to court and we custody of the kids. DA support worker got me a fantastic solicitor who arranged court hearings to agree access arrangements. Ex didn't even bother to show up.

It's all about control. They've got no interest in the kids, they try to scare you by threatening to take away the things that are most precious to you.

Completeguess · 29/05/2017 10:56

Mine did but over the house and Finances not the children. He had to pay my costs.

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