to be worried about my neighbour(s)?

[MeadowHay]

I live in a flat, there is a family below us. The man has always shouted at lot at the top of his voice, which is annoying for us. Mostly he shouts at their three children (all under 5) and he shouts in a language we don't speak, so I can't know what he is actually saying. I have always assumed it is just typical stuff and whilst he clearly has a horrible temper there's nowt I can do about that. I have always been a bit concerned about his partner and about whether he is shouting at her sometimes but there has been no way of knowing. About once a month or so he would clearly be arguing with her as you would hear her shouting back a bit and then lots of doors slamming and usually him walking out for a bit and then come back later.

The last month or so their arguments have intensified. He shouts at the children really loudly multiple times a day, I'm not sure if that's got worse over time or not, often when the children are crying. But I have definitely noticed that they are arguing together more often and about once a week over the last few weeks this has been accompanied by very loud shouting from her as well, and loud crying from all the children, and door slamming and then like banging and on one occasion crashing sounds which sounded like possibly things being thrown or furniture being knocked about or something.

I am getting increasingly worried about her and the children but I don't know if I'm just being a nosy neighbour and I need to just ignore them? The worst fights have never gone on longer than say 10 minutes or so and he doesn't always leave the house afterwards, I don't feel like it sounds severe enough to call the police, there's no screaming or anything and whilst the banging sounds bad their children bang about a lot in the day so maybe I'm misinterpretating it given that I'm already a bit distressed hearing them both scream at each other in front of their little children who get distressed too. I would go down and check if she/they are ok but I have an anxiety disorder so I can't do that, and if DH was home I would send him but he is always at work so far when they have those awful rows.

AIBU to be worried, am I just being nosy or would you be worried? Is there anything I can do about it?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Record some of the shouting on your phone so that you can send it/show it to police/ss.

[isadoradancing123]

Some languages are spoken very loudly, Latin American, Spanish, Italian, have you never heard ""foreigners"" on their mobile phones, they speak very loud and very fast

[MeadowHay]

Hi everyone, been very busy sorry for popping in and out, just managed to read up.

Thanks for all your help and suggestions.

If I see the other neighbour sometime I will try my best to talk to her about, you're right it could be a good way to try and help. However, I don't see her often and usually when I do see her she is with the neighbour I am worried about now as they take the little ones to school together and that. But I will keep my eyes peeled and try and take a deep breath and ask her if I get the chance although I don't think I will.

DH and I are actually moving house soon-ish so we are not going to live here much longer which makes me more willing to get involved I'm not going to lie, because if anything bad happened if I reported them to anyone and they suspected it to be us then we are going to move soon anyway. (Although there is another family next door to them too so could concieveable be either of us BUT the other family don't have fantastic English language skills either so I'm sure we would be the suspects like.)

I will call NSPCC and chat to them, I hadn't thought about that and it is a good idea. If they do want my details I'm willing to give them, I was just concerned that 'official' bodies would say they can't do anything based off the very weak evidence I have. I agree it's important that I don't know what they're saying, but it's definitely shouting in an aggressive way and not just a 'loud speaking cultural way'. My dad is from a culture where they speak loudly in their language a lot lol and it does not sound like that. Our walls are old and thin, I can hear when they're talking loudly playing with their children, and I can definitely hear the difference between that and when the fella is bellowing at the top of his voice and three children are crying at once.

Yes, all 3 kids are 5 and under. The eldest one is at school, I don't know what school and I've only seen her less than a handful of times in uniform but if I do get to see her again I will try to have a look to see the school name, that's a good idea too.

Recording noise levels is also a good idea, I hadn't thought about that. I'm not sure how well it would record on my phone but it is really loud so I will try.

I'm really wishing I'd posted this kind of thread a long time ago now because you've all given me lots of ideas.

God forbid I hope there is nothing wrong except maybe parents going through a tough time and that, but the man's shouting is genuinely distressing for me as a neighbour at its worst, particularly when accompanied by what sounds like all three of their children crying at once, and that makes me really feel like I should do something just in case there is more to it.

Thanks for all your help and reassurance too that I'm not just being nosy. DH and I are young and we've never had neighbours like this before.

[MeadowHay]

Oh btw to PP who said about me posting about this family awhile ago, yes that was me and I do think things sound worse now in terms of noise and hearing mam shouting and arguing back with the fella a few times now too.

[Bluewombler2k]

Hi again, my next door neighbour came round today with her son, and she brought cakes - which was lovely! She started talking about having a visit from the police and that her downstairs neighbour must have called them as they done so a few times before. I did not know what to say, I did not admit is was me as I feel bad but I still think I did the right thing, I am not a natural liar and feel extremely guilty. Her son was playing with my DS in the front room and they both seemed quite happy. I did say I was a bit concerned the other night which is why I knocked to make sure everything was ok the but she brushed it aside and was talking about the Police saying they may have to start an enquiry if things continue. Thing is, she honestly does seem completely oblivious to how much we all can hear her and I think genuinely doesn't see that something isn't right - we used to hear her singing, not shouting (which was obvs never a problem as I pretend I am on the stage sometimes )

Anyhoo, they are both coming round again on Thursday for a few hours and she has also said she will teach me how to cook certain dishes from her culture. She is also pregnant so is tired, hormonal and hot at the moment bless her, but hopefully she can see coming over here as a bit of a break?

[SunEgg]

Hi OP,

This sounds like my neighbour, although mine are adjacent to us and I only hear them in summer when our windows are open, as our walls are completely sound proof. I also don't know what to do. I don't know what is being said (screamed), and I don't know who is being shouted at either. It breaks my heart. You are very brave to have reported it.

[MeadowHay]

Hi,

Blue I figure our neighbours are oblivious to the fact that we can hear them as well. I can literally hear every word they say, so I'm sure if I spoke their language I would be able to hear all of it. I just don't speak their language. That is really sweet, I'm glad you are able to have that relationship. I would love to be able to do that but because of my anxiety disorder I don't think I could, and anyway she doesn't answer the door, only her partner does. If he's out she won't answer the door - DH and I have a few times knocked, we've took the kids chocolate for Christmas and Easter eggs etc and I guess he was out all those times and we could hear her telling the children to be quiet inside and wouldn't answer the door even though we knew they were in as we could hear them from upstairs...neither of them have ever thanked us for the few times we have left stuff for the kids either (we have had to leave them outside their door as they won't answer). I'm not looking for thanks I just feel like it is a bit odd not to say thanks even when we next saw the fella (as we see him a lot more given the lady never seems to go out the house really other than taking eldest to school)? So many questions.

I wanted to call NSPCC as some suggested but my anxiety prevented me from doing so, I got DH to call instead yesterday and they were going to put him in contact with a 'practitioner' but then they said none were available and said to call back another time. So maybe I'll ask him to try again now.

[Bluewombler2k]

Hi Meadow, I actually felt awful though when she was saying about the police being called but I want to be supportive and telling her the truth right then probably wouldn't have helped as it honestly came from a good place and not complaining (still felt rotten though). Well we haven't heard any shouting since which I am hoping is good. I hope she can start to think of me as a friend and that it helps her son too, as he is very shy and my DS doesn't stop talking but we will see. I think if it happens again I will wait and try to speak to her about it a few days later, if I have the guts!!! Did your DH call the NSPCC OR 101?

[PersianCatLady]

I tried to get help for the kids that are being abused next door but got nowhere.

I was told that I have to realise that other people have different lifestyles to me.

If a different lifestyle is leaving your 6 and 8 year old outside in a Tshirt and shorts in the rain in October while they cry to be allowed in and when you hit them in full view of the neighbours, I am glad that I am not different.

[MarilynWhirlwindRocks]

OP,

Just to say that, if your anxiety (understandably) prevents phoning the NSPCC, and talking 'in real time' to an advisor, you can detail your concerns online instead here:

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/report-abuse-online/

They guarantee to read it within 24hrs and assess what action is needed.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Why not keep a diary OP - and keep an eye on it . I think you are right to be concerned and look out for them

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Persian - same for you don't give up . That's horrible - did they make
You give up ? So upsetting
Was
That SS or the police ?

[MarilynWhirlwindRocks]

^ Arghh. Posted too soon.

Meant to add that good for you looking out for the DCs' welfare: by alerting the professionals, it's then out of your hands, you and DH'll be safer avoiding any potential aggro from him, (or repercussions on her and DCs), and (presumably) the pros will figure out ways round her language barrier to ascertain better whether or not it's concerning and abusive behaviour or just 'loudness and cultural differences'.

(Personally, I'd have thought if only 'loudness' was responsible, you'd surely have been hearing amounts of laughter/ fun interactions/ regular, enthusiastic chat and normal disagreements all at an equally high volume??? Translation not needed for that, after all).

Anyway, whatever happens from then, you'll know you did your best for her and the DCs.
Good luck.

[PersianCatLady]

stopfuckingshoutingatme
I can't keep on trying to get them help because it was starting to really affect my MH.

I have filled in the NSPCC online form three times and phoned them twice.

I have spoke to the police three times in person due to problems with the parents AS behaviour.

I have also called the police twice.

I have contacted SS by e-mail three times and called them once.

Every time I am told that the family have a different lifestyle to most other people but what does that even mean?

I have kept records of every contact that I have had while trying to get help for these kids and in the event something does happen, I am prepared to go to court and show how nobody would help me to get them help.

One thing that annoys me though is being told that just because they are different the family aren'the bad people, I already know that.

They are bad people because of the disgusting way in which they treat their children.

[Italiangreyhound]

Don't tell her it was you who called. it will not her your friendship and she needs a friend.

Not telling the truth voluntarily is not lying! You did it for her and three very young children who have no choice but to be on a noisy potentially abusive home. Pregnancy often bring on or increases abuse so if she is pregnant she and her Dh really need to learn a new way to communicate.

egg you can report anonymously. I did once but they felt it was not enough of an issue. The relief I felt in telling someone was huge.

[Italiangreyhound]

Not help her friendship

[Italiangreyhound]

PersianCatLady it's just an idea but you could contact you local MP. This is Moe not just about one family but about all the families police and social services let down. I'd also be tempted to write to NSPCC and day you won't be supporting then financially in future and are advising friends not to do so! A big step but if they are so white maybe they should not get the public's supptt.

Their argument is the same one used to condone FGM and women kept in domestic slavery!

[Italiangreyhound]

Now not Moe

[Italiangreyhound]

Shite not white! Sorry on mobile!

[Notalotterywinner]

This happened with our neighbour, he is a miserable fiery twat that literally goes red with rage, loud rows and verbal abuse of a toddler, wife and older child, one row was so bad and sounds of things smashing that neighbours across the road called the police, we were out and first we knew was returning to police cars parked outside our house.

The police couldn't have been more helpful, they removed him from the house, they interviewed all the neighbours. They stayed with the family for hours, the outcome was the man stayed away for a week then returned, the couple reconciled and so far we haven't heard anything like the rows that we had last time.

The police said that they would inform social services but as far as I am aware no further action was taken.

The man seems embarrassed tbh, he doesn't know who called the police and I wouldn't hesitate to call the police on him if he erupts again.

I suggest you call the police, they won't say who called them, shame the vile man, big burly police men at the door to call him out on his bullying. Keep a diary of the rows, record a few if you can, they will be able translate. If you don't want the police to your flat you can arrange a meeting with them elsewhere.

Sorry this is so long!! please do something, those children must be living in fear.

[MaitlandGirl]

I'm not sure how it works in the UK but can you call the police and ask for a welfare check?

We did this to one of our neighbours a couple of years ago. She wasn't an awful person just wasn't coping with her 2 under 5s as they'd always had nannys before so didn't know how to deal with toddler tantrums.

I called the police when I heard her smack one of the kids and lock him out on the patio in the dark (it wasn't cold but he was scared of the dark).

The police were great and although the neighbours never spoke to us again she got parenting advice and help from social services, which was what she needed.

[Italiangreyhound]

Notalotterywinner pgood on you and your neighbours. And your local police force.

This is the right attitude to have, shame on a man who billys his wife and kids, or any woman (or man) and kids. He should be ashamed and he should not know who called.

We become obsessed with who called, who told, but it doesn't matter who told. It matters who is bullying their family!

[PersianCatLady]

PersianCatLady it's just an idea but you could contact you local MP
I suppose that I could but I already live in fear of violence from the "parents" of the children so without soundly selfish, I do have to worry about the safety of my son and I.

[Italiangreyhound]

PersianCatLady do not put yourself at risk, you could speak to your MP anonymously. I am sorry this has been so hard. You are a star. Look after yourself and your son.

[LurkingHusband]

I figure our neighbours are oblivious to the fact that we can hear them as well. I can literally hear every word they say, so I'm sure if I spoke their language I would be able to hear all of it. I just don't speak their language.

translate.google.com/?sl=auto&tl=en

(certainly works in Starbucks when MrsLH and I are being nosey ...)