to be worried about my neighbour(s)?

[MeadowHay]

I live in a flat, there is a family below us. The man has always shouted at lot at the top of his voice, which is annoying for us. Mostly he shouts at their three children (all under 5) and he shouts in a language we don't speak, so I can't know what he is actually saying. I have always assumed it is just typical stuff and whilst he clearly has a horrible temper there's nowt I can do about that. I have always been a bit concerned about his partner and about whether he is shouting at her sometimes but there has been no way of knowing. About once a month or so he would clearly be arguing with her as you would hear her shouting back a bit and then lots of doors slamming and usually him walking out for a bit and then come back later.

The last month or so their arguments have intensified. He shouts at the children really loudly multiple times a day, I'm not sure if that's got worse over time or not, often when the children are crying. But I have definitely noticed that they are arguing together more often and about once a week over the last few weeks this has been accompanied by very loud shouting from her as well, and loud crying from all the children, and door slamming and then like banging and on one occasion crashing sounds which sounded like possibly things being thrown or furniture being knocked about or something.

I am getting increasingly worried about her and the children but I don't know if I'm just being a nosy neighbour and I need to just ignore them? The worst fights have never gone on longer than say 10 minutes or so and he doesn't always leave the house afterwards, I don't feel like it sounds severe enough to call the police, there's no screaming or anything and whilst the banging sounds bad their children bang about a lot in the day so maybe I'm misinterpretating it given that I'm already a bit distressed hearing them both scream at each other in front of their little children who get distressed too. I would go down and check if she/they are ok but I have an anxiety disorder so I can't do that, and if DH was home I would send him but he is always at work so far when they have those awful rows.

AIBU to be worried, am I just being nosy or would you be worried? Is there anything I can do about it?

[1sttimemama1986]

Glad to hear you've reported it Meadow, that way it can be shared with social services. And it's worth considering that there could be similar concerns raised before and perhaps one referral would not necessary result in intervention but your information could be what triggers more being done.
All the best.

[PersianCatLady]

MatildaTheCat
Thanks for advice but I have reported it many times.

Have a look at my earlier posts for information.

Sorry but I can't post about it all again, just thinking about it really gets to me and I am so frustrated by it the situation that I will admit that I shed a few tears when I made my earlier posts on this thread.

[MeadowHay]

Have literally just reported online on the NSPCC online form. I mentioned about my concerns about the shouting and noise accompanying them (banging etc), about the fact that mum never leaves the house apart from to take eldest to and from school, that the children never leave the house apart from eldest to school, that mum does not answer the door if her husband is not there, that they have horrific damp and mould all over their walls, and that they are probably overcrowded given they live in a 1 bed flat. I gave them my name and email address if they want to contact me for more info or anything.

[MatildaTheCat]

Agree, report it and definitely mention that the mother never leaves the house. The family sound as if they are struggling and need support at the very least.

Let the professionals decide if there is real cause for concern or not.

Persian, IMO that incident warrants a call to 101 on its own. Those poor children.

[MeadowHay]

Mama Hi, that is really useful to hear you perspective as someone who works in that field, thanks very much. I am going to report it online to NSPCC and I assume if they're concerned they will pass it on to social services etc?

[1sttimemama1986]

Domestic abuse includes verbal arguments/abuse. If they are frequent and cause you feel unsettled then think about how the children in the house feel. I think you should report to police or social services. There may be existing information held about the family so however minor you think it is - it is likely part of a bigger picture.

I am a social worker in child protection and what you describe in my view should be shared social services.

[PersianCatLady]

I hear good stuff too don't get me wrong
I can honestly say that I never heard any good family sounds coming from my NDN's house.

Either the kids are outside alone with no parental supervision or the parents are being abusive towards the kids.

Some other neighbours have actually asked if there is even a mother in the house as she never seems to leave the house at all and is often spotted by her front door in her pyjamas screaming at the kids regardless of the time of day.

I thought at one point she might have agoraphobia or something but she can go out when she feels like it.

Once a year her cousin comes to stay and for a fortnight they spend all day drinking and then they go clubbing at night.

Usually you see the pair of them coming home as you are going out in the morning.

[MeadowHay]

Persian Sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. That's so horrible . I really don't know what to suggest I'm afraid.

DH texted NSPCC for a call back a few days ago because he couldn't get through at the time but I don't think they called us back unless it was when he was at work. I've been away for a couple of days for a funeral but back now. I didn't really want to do the e-mail thing online because I thought it might be confusing as it would be a very long message but DH is at work long hours now so I will do that.

Incidentally the family seem strangely quiet over the last week or so. It's got to the point where their queitness worries me as well though now given how noisy they usually are.

To the person who said about hearing games, laughter, singing etc, I do! I hear good stuff too don't get me wrong. Which is how I can differentiate from that, and the really awful bellowing in rage.

I can't use Google translate because the language doesn't use an English-style alphabet (sorry, I can't remember what the proper word is for that ) so I wouldn't know how to write it and probably wouldn't be able to write it exactly phonetically anyway as they talk very fast.

[PersianCatLady]

do not put yourself at risk
Last night I heard some weird noises so I looked out of the back window and the "parents" were throwing beer bottle after beer bottle into the recycling box from the back door to the garden.

I looked out of the front window and the four boys were kicking a football at people's cars aimlessly making a racket.

Trying to see what was going on, I watched them for a bit.

One of the boys walked off and then I heard some shouting from the back of the house.

I was still at the front window when the boy came back.

One of the other boys said "are we allowed in yet?"

First boy said "no, she's mad, she told me to fuck off"

I wouldn't have minded but it was 23:45 and I wanted to go to bed.

[LurkingHusband]

I figure our neighbours are oblivious to the fact that we can hear them as well. I can literally hear every word they say, so I'm sure if I spoke their language I would be able to hear all of it. I just don't speak their language.

translate.google.com/?sl=auto&tl=en

(certainly works in Starbucks when MrsLH and I are being nosey ...)

[Italiangreyhound]

PersianCatLady do not put yourself at risk, you could speak to your MP anonymously. I am sorry this has been so hard. You are a star. Look after yourself and your son.

[PersianCatLady]

PersianCatLady it's just an idea but you could contact you local MP
I suppose that I could but I already live in fear of violence from the "parents" of the children so without soundly selfish, I do have to worry about the safety of my son and I.

[Italiangreyhound]

Notalotterywinner pgood on you and your neighbours. And your local police force.

This is the right attitude to have, shame on a man who billys his wife and kids, or any woman (or man) and kids. He should be ashamed and he should not know who called.

We become obsessed with who called, who told, but it doesn't matter who told. It matters who is bullying their family!

[MaitlandGirl]

I'm not sure how it works in the UK but can you call the police and ask for a welfare check?

We did this to one of our neighbours a couple of years ago. She wasn't an awful person just wasn't coping with her 2 under 5s as they'd always had nannys before so didn't know how to deal with toddler tantrums.

I called the police when I heard her smack one of the kids and lock him out on the patio in the dark (it wasn't cold but he was scared of the dark).

The police were great and although the neighbours never spoke to us again she got parenting advice and help from social services, which was what she needed.

[Notalotterywinner]

This happened with our neighbour, he is a miserable fiery twat that literally goes red with rage, loud rows and verbal abuse of a toddler, wife and older child, one row was so bad and sounds of things smashing that neighbours across the road called the police, we were out and first we knew was returning to police cars parked outside our house.

The police couldn't have been more helpful, they removed him from the house, they interviewed all the neighbours. They stayed with the family for hours, the outcome was the man stayed away for a week then returned, the couple reconciled and so far we haven't heard anything like the rows that we had last time.

The police said that they would inform social services but as far as I am aware no further action was taken.

The man seems embarrassed tbh, he doesn't know who called the police and I wouldn't hesitate to call the police on him if he erupts again.

I suggest you call the police, they won't say who called them, shame the vile man, big burly police men at the door to call him out on his bullying. Keep a diary of the rows, record a few if you can, they will be able translate. If you don't want the police to your flat you can arrange a meeting with them elsewhere.

Sorry this is so long!! please do something, those children must be living in fear.

[Italiangreyhound]

Shite not white! Sorry on mobile!

[Italiangreyhound]

Now not Moe

[Italiangreyhound]

PersianCatLady it's just an idea but you could contact you local MP. This is Moe not just about one family but about all the families police and social services let down. I'd also be tempted to write to NSPCC and day you won't be supporting then financially in future and are advising friends not to do so! A big step but if they are so white maybe they should not get the public's supptt.

Their argument is the same one used to condone FGM and women kept in domestic slavery!

[Italiangreyhound]

Not help her friendship

[Italiangreyhound]

Don't tell her it was you who called. it will not her your friendship and she needs a friend.

Not telling the truth voluntarily is not lying! You did it for her and three very young children who have no choice but to be on a noisy potentially abusive home. Pregnancy often bring on or increases abuse so if she is pregnant she and her Dh really need to learn a new way to communicate.

egg you can report anonymously. I did once but they felt it was not enough of an issue. The relief I felt in telling someone was huge.

[PersianCatLady]

stopfuckingshoutingatme
I can't keep on trying to get them help because it was starting to really affect my MH.

I have filled in the NSPCC online form three times and phoned them twice.

I have spoke to the police three times in person due to problems with the parents AS behaviour.

I have also called the police twice.

I have contacted SS by e-mail three times and called them once.

Every time I am told that the family have a different lifestyle to most other people but what does that even mean?

I have kept records of every contact that I have had while trying to get help for these kids and in the event something does happen, I am prepared to go to court and show how nobody would help me to get them help.

One thing that annoys me though is being told that just because they are different the family aren'the bad people, I already know that.

They are bad people because of the disgusting way in which they treat their children.

[MarilynWhirlwindRocks]

^ Arghh. Posted too soon.

Meant to add that good for you looking out for the DCs' welfare: by alerting the professionals, it's then out of your hands, you and DH'll be safer avoiding any potential aggro from him, (or repercussions on her and DCs), and (presumably) the pros will figure out ways round her language barrier to ascertain better whether or not it's concerning and abusive behaviour or just 'loudness and cultural differences'.

(Personally, I'd have thought if only 'loudness' was responsible, you'd surely have been hearing amounts of laughter/ fun interactions/ regular, enthusiastic chat and normal disagreements all at an equally high volume??? Translation not needed for that, after all).

Anyway, whatever happens from then, you'll know you did your best for her and the DCs.
Good luck.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Persian - same for you don't give up . That's horrible - did they make
You give up ? So upsetting
Was
That SS or the police ?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Why not keep a diary OP - and keep an eye on it . I think you are right to be concerned and look out for them

[MarilynWhirlwindRocks]

OP,

Just to say that, if your anxiety (understandably) prevents phoning the NSPCC, and talking 'in real time' to an advisor, you can detail your concerns online instead here:

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/report-abuse-online/

They guarantee to read it within 24hrs and assess what action is needed.