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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this rude? Honest opinions appreciated

87 replies

Assburgers · 27/05/2017 12:47

So, I am someone who gets this kind of thing wrong a lot. This happened a month ago but has been worrying me.

I bumped into my neighbour shortly after the Easter break & we were heading in the same direction so I was attempting to make conversation. I asked if he had done anything nice over the holidays, and he said his son had visited. I said "oh, he didn't bring his saxophone this time?" (Last time he did, played the same song over and over, I did not complain or even mention it)

Neighbour then looked shocked, mumbled something about playing in a different room... like, as though he hadn't realised we could hear it. It's a fricking saxophone, of course we could hear it. Anyway I said nothing. We walked on in silence.

I relayed the conversation to DH when we got home and he made this face 😬 But then laughed and said not to worry about it. But then yesterday the guy's wife blanked me in the street.

So. Honest opinions. I can take it. Was that rude? And how do I fix it if so?

OP posts:
NotYoda · 27/05/2017 14:24

I think that when we try and suppress our annoyance, digs come out without intending it to happen

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2017 14:26

You weren't rude. If they found it rude, they should look to their own behaviour, imposing their noise on others.

I lived for years in a block of flats, next to neighbours where the husband played the trumpet. I only found out about it when I saw him at a gig with her in the audience. In conversation, turned out he practised daily, and I had never heard him. Not once. He chose his time and location in the house so carefully, I never once heard him. Lovely, lovely, considerate neighbours.

Ravenblack · 27/05/2017 14:26

I am not saying you did anything wrong OP, or that you actually did mean anything, and for the record, I would have found it annoying too (the sax playing,) but I do think the neighbour may have been a bit offended by your words. Maybe he shouldn't have been, as you meant nothing by it, but he clearly was annoyed according to the reaction your explained in your first post

You said ...

Neighbour looked shocked, mumbled something about playing in a different room... like, as though he hadn't realised we could hear it. It's a fricking saxophone, of course we could hear it. Anyway I said nothing. We walked on in silence.

I relayed the conversation to DH when we got home and he made this face 😬 But then laughed and said not to worry about it. But then yesterday the guy's wife blanked me in the street.

So the neighbour mumbled under his breath and seemed shocked and said he will get the kid to play in another room, and then the wife blanked you in the street. A MONTH LATER... I am willing to bet that she didn't accidentally blank you either.

They are clearly still pissed off. Some people do hold grudges, especially if they think someone has been rude, and hasn't tried to make amends. And maybe they think you are pissed off with them.

Did you actually speak to the wife? Or just smile? Half smile? Nod? What? You weren't very clear.

This obviously bothers you, (or you would not have posted here!) and it is seemingly bothering them, so you need to talk to them. Knock on their door and ask them if everything is ok as you are worried you offended them by mentioning their son's sax playing. Do you really want bad feeling with your neighbours indefinitely? I know I wouldn't.

Again, I don't think you were rude, or you have done anything wrong but you need to deal with it, as it's clearly bothering you, and is possibly bothering them too by the sound of things.

And I think it's rude for people to call them insensitive arseholes and 'professionally offended' and so on. People are entitled to feel slighted if they think someone is having a pop at them. And as I said, I think many people would have reacted as they did, because imo, the OP's words did seem quite passive aggressive; even if she didn't mean it to come across that way.

Have you heard the sax since you mentioned it a month ago by the way?

rogueantimatter · 27/05/2017 14:27

I totally get you OP. Love your username too Grin

I have aspergers too - undiagnosed, but I'm 100% certain. I've learnt how other people think/interact from MN too. I say stuff like this all the time too then think, AAghh. I'm actually quite friendly and I sometimes say the wrong thing in an over eager attempt to be helpful/kind/friendly whatever. I find it really hard to be insincere too.

Take heart, if you're anything like me your chitchat skills will continue to improve - or even get better and better - I'm nearly fifty and I'm sure I'm getting more skilled (less unskilled) at this sort of thing.

You sound really nice. Your neighbours otoh...... well. they're the ones with the communication 'problem'.

NotYoda · 27/05/2017 14:29

She knew full well it was a potentially disturbing noise

She's embarrassed

Some people can't handle their own embarrassment, so they direct it outwards as anger, or by blanking you

I don't think you should apologise, because then you are giving her the idea that she should not show consideration to you - you are doing all the consideration for the both of you

Let her sit in her embarrassment. She's an adult

A lot of these problems can be solved by being more assertive

rogueantimatter · 27/05/2017 14:33

Great advice from Ravenblack iMO.

I sympathise with the sax noise pollution. It takes a very skilled player to get a nice tone.

The violin playing at 7 IMO is inconsiderate if the neighbours know you can hear it. We play instruments with the rule of not before 9am or after 9pm if other people can hear it. Otoh, getting up early and practising before school is very impressive. Hopefully the violinist can practice in another room or at another time.

rogueantimatter · 27/05/2017 14:34

YY to people being hostile when they feel guilty.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2017 14:35

"I don't think you should apologise, because then you are giving her the idea that she should not show consideration to you - you are doing all the consideration for the both of you"
^^This

They were thoughtless to not consider their neighbours. Being apologised to would make them feel that they had no need to be thoughtful. Don't apologise.

NotYoda · 27/05/2017 14:37

WhereYou

If I have learned anything it's that unecessary apologies weaken you in the eyes of some people

I am bloody good at apologising when it is warranted, and it's skill that I've really tried to teach my children

Original poster
Assburgers · 27/05/2017 14:37

Did you actually speak to the wife? Or just smile? Half smile? Nod? What? You weren't very clear.

Sorry, Raven. I said hello! And did a cheery wave, and she looked the other way.

The thing is, she wasn't there when I mentioned the sax - so she can only have known about my comment via her DH. So I guess it depends how he relayed it?

No, I haven't heard the sax since but the kid only visits on holidays.

OP posts:
Ravenblack · 27/05/2017 14:38

Thank you @rogueantimatter. Blush Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2017 14:40

Totally agree NotYoda. The blanking a month later was, to me, an indicator that the neighbours are that type of people.

Original poster
Assburgers · 27/05/2017 14:40

rogue I don't mind the violin as it's the dad playing, and he's pretty good. It's also not as loud. I don't even really mind about the sax - I put headphones on. So I've never felt the need to complain, IYSWIM?

OP posts:
Original poster
Assburgers · 27/05/2017 14:44

WhereYouLeftIt and NotYoda do you happen to run classes on this when to apologise thing Grin

OP posts:
NoFucksImAQueen · 27/05/2017 14:46

You sounded passive aggressive and he thought you were when actually you just said something innocently I think?

rogueantimatter · 27/05/2017 14:51

ISWYM. You sound like a lovely neighbour. They should value you.

Dulcimena · 27/05/2017 14:53

...but the blank could have been completely unrelated to a throwaway situation that happened a month ago Confused

Another aspie here and I still don't think that you should apologise, for all the great reasons already posted. It's an issue for you because we tend to overthink, overworry, fixate on and scrutinise things that nobody else would spend a minute dwelling on.

If they have an issue it's because they are aware that the sax playing is unsociable, but you didn't create that situation. Don't apologise for something that isn't your fault because your aspergers makes you doubt yourself. That way madness lies.

Original poster
Assburgers · 27/05/2017 14:53

That just about sums it up NoFucksImAQueen :)

Since starting this thread I've realised that, even if he didn't take it as rude, it was an odd comment to make. But he probably did take it as rude. But he's also rude.

I'm erring towards "ah, fuck it".

You've all been very helpful. Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Assburgers · 27/05/2017 14:54

Thanks rogue and Dulcimena x

OP posts:
Muskey · 27/05/2017 15:04

My DD plays the flute badly (which I imagine drives my neighbours bonkers) if you had said that to me I would have laughed and said yes I know it's terrible. However your neighbour may have thought it was a criticism especially if his son only knows one tune (that would drive me insane). Some people just don't have any sense of the other people around them. If you are not that close to your neighbours just don't sweat it. If you are close to your neighbours then they should be able to see the funny side. My mum has a saying for times like this those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter

AStickInTime · 27/05/2017 15:09

If I had chosen to mention it, I'd have made the comment that it's lovely to hear, or a great instrument to play, something ... anything.... positive. Then it makes it clear that you find it acceptable. Otherwise the natural conclusion to draw is that you don't.

PavlovianLunge · 27/05/2017 15:10

'Ah, fuck it' is totally the way to go.

Honestly, if he's going to take an inocuous comment as an insult, and she's going to take umbrage over it, then you're better off without them, or their drama.

Stay polite, but keep your distance.

FrenchMartiniTime · 27/05/2017 15:11

Not rude. But maybe a bit passive aggressive?

I would have thought it was a thinly veiled jibe to be honest.

reuset · 27/05/2017 15:20

I don't know that you were rude exactly but I'd have mentioned something (after he mentioned playing in another room) about not minding his playing. He might have thought you were being passive aggressive.

reuset · 27/05/2017 15:21

Cross posted with frenchmartini there Grin

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