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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this rude? Honest opinions appreciated

87 replies

Assburgers · 27/05/2017 12:47

So, I am someone who gets this kind of thing wrong a lot. This happened a month ago but has been worrying me.

I bumped into my neighbour shortly after the Easter break & we were heading in the same direction so I was attempting to make conversation. I asked if he had done anything nice over the holidays, and he said his son had visited. I said "oh, he didn't bring his saxophone this time?" (Last time he did, played the same song over and over, I did not complain or even mention it)

Neighbour then looked shocked, mumbled something about playing in a different room... like, as though he hadn't realised we could hear it. It's a fricking saxophone, of course we could hear it. Anyway I said nothing. We walked on in silence.

I relayed the conversation to DH when we got home and he made this face 😬 But then laughed and said not to worry about it. But then yesterday the guy's wife blanked me in the street.

So. Honest opinions. I can take it. Was that rude? And how do I fix it if so?

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 27/05/2017 13:16

The OP's man wasn't there, Peanut; she told him about it later.

I don't think it was rude. I think the neighbour was oversensitive. Let them blank you. They'll get over it.

Original poster

Assburgers · 27/05/2017 13:17

Mummyoflittledragon he's actually very talented! It's not too bad. DH calls it middle class noise

And WooWooSister I honestly hadn't thought about it like that. That is EXACTLY what I should have said. Thank you. V helpful. Well, for next time anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

Assburgers · 27/05/2017 13:23

Thank you SapphireStrange

Cheers everyone xx

OP posts:

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 27/05/2017 13:23

The OP's man wasn't there, Peanut; she told him about it later

your man refers to your man there that she was speaking to, her neighbour. It doesn't mean your man as in your partner.

SapphireStrange · 27/05/2017 13:24

Ah, sorry, Peanut, I misconstrued!

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 27/05/2017 13:25

It's probably a regional thing

dudsville · 27/05/2017 13:26

Whether or not they found it rude is the factor in this. However, it doesn't matter. When people say "don't sweat the small stuff", this is what they mean.

SapphireStrange · 27/05/2017 13:27

Peanut, yes. Irish/Scottish I think? Oddly I use it myself in that sense sometimes. I clearly just had a brain fail.

Jedimum1 · 27/05/2017 13:28

I would have taken it as passive aggressive criticism on your part, not completely rude but with a hint of sarcasm. If that wasn't your intention, maybe just knock with a few biscuits / chocolates and explain you wanted to make sure they didn't misunderstand you?

Ravenblack · 27/05/2017 13:32

You were (although probably unintentionally) being passive aggressive. If I had been the neighbour, I would have also thought you were having a dig. Very few people make a casual/jokey/random comment like this unless there's some hidden agenda behind it. And even if you don't realise you're doing it, people will pick it up as a hint, or as 'passive aggressive' as I said earlier.

Not saying you were 'rude,' (as your question asked,) but yeah, I would have been irked if I had have been the neighbour, as I'd have wondered what you meant by your comments.

No musical instrument is great for practicing in an average neighbourhood. Be it obvious noisy ones like drums or electric guitar, or seemingly softer ones like piano or recorder etc. ALL musical instruments are a bit loud or very loud.

You need to do some damage control and talk to your neighbour. Tell him/her you weren't having a dig and you were only asking if he was going to be playing his sax again as you enjoyed listening to it. (If indeed you did enjoy it, and asking about it wasn't a dig.) Let the neighbour know you meant nothing by it, or this whole situation will escalate.

Original poster

Assburgers · 27/05/2017 13:34

peanutbutter my dad (from the north east) says things like "your man was on the tv last night" & it can mean any man you've ever mentioned.

dudsville I guess you're right. The thing is, I would rather learn from these exchanges. I have Aspergers so the main reason I come to mumsnet is to work out the right way to do things. AIBU is particularly handy as it is full of people who have pissed other people off, then you get a lot of responses detailing what should have been done instead. That probably sounds a bit weird huh :) like a robot studying human behaviour. But yes. I will let it go. As others have pointed out, i may not be invited round for coffee any time soon. But that is probably for the best given the damage I could do if they are this sensitive

OP posts:

Ravenblack · 27/05/2017 13:35

Just noticed OP (on your post at the top of this page,) that you DON'T enjoy the sax playing, and so I do think that you were being passive aggressive, and the neighbour picked this up.

As I said, damage control needed. Talk to the neighbour.

Dulcimena · 27/05/2017 13:38

OP I worry far too much about this sort of thing too. You're fine. They'll have forgotten about it already - the blank yesterday was probably completely unrelated, she just didn't see you/was in a rush/otherwise distracted. I 100% get the wanting to learn from situations though, the most consistent thing seems to be that I worry more than anyone else does... which isn't hugely helpful!

Original poster

Assburgers · 27/05/2017 13:39

No raven I don't enjoy the sax - it's a kid playing, literally the same 8 notes over and over. I definitely definitely don't enjoy it. But, as I said a few posts up, I didn't mean anything by it. I was just surprised that his kid had visited and I hadn't once heard him. It was the wrong thing to say though.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/05/2017 13:40

There was nothing wrong with what you said.

His reply should have been 'Oh god, sorry, I didn't realise you could hear it! Are you tortured by me playing the violin as well? 😣'

Giving you the opportunity to say 'Yes we can hear you both. We like the sax' (if you do). Or ''Yes we can, the walls aren't that well soundproofed' or whatever.

She was either rude or didn't see you/had other stuff on her mind. I really wouldn't worry at all.

Neighbours. Hard work sometimes isn't it.

TheStoic · 27/05/2017 13:40

If they're offended by what you said, they're clearly very aware that their noise is affecting their neighbours.

Otherwise the answer would've been a simple 'Oh no, not this time' with a friendly smile. Like a normal person.

Please don't go over there with biscuits.

user1471456357 · 27/05/2017 13:42

You are not responsible for his reaction, whatever it is.

wowfudge · 27/05/2017 13:44

Oh fgs some people are professionally offended. In no way were you rude.

DirtyChaiLatte · 27/05/2017 13:49

It sounds to me like he thought you were giving him a passive aggressive sly dig/complaining about the noise.

Maybe you have a right to be annoyed about the noise, but you're saying you didn't intend that.

I'd be happy with the peace and quiet!

Original poster

Assburgers · 27/05/2017 13:53

No, DirtyChaiLatte I could just as easily have said "oh, I didn't see his bike outside the garage" (why didn't I say that). Like, that is how I meant it.

It's so easy to mess up! I ought to be a hermit.

OP posts:

TheMysteriousJackelope · 27/05/2017 13:57

You were not rude.

Apparently your neighbor also thinks the sax player is not very good, otherwise she would have replied 'Such a pity isn't it, he's a wonderful player' rather than blanking you because she's embarrassed you've been inconvenienced by the noise.

One of my neighbors posted on Facebook that her son was learning the saxophone. The lady next door commented on the post 'That's funny because I asked Eric, 'Was that an elephant?'. Many likes to that comment.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/05/2017 14:00

"Like a robot studying human behaviour". Interesting that you used this expression. I thought when I last posted that they were expecting you to react like an automaton ie in a certain way and you didn't. As your reaction was not as expected, they have now rejected you as a person. So they're expecting you to be a robot and you're actually not. It's useless to be more concerned with this situation as there is no solution and by the sounds of it you're not remotely upset - good that Aspergers is working in your favour. They're just insensitive arses basically.

NotYoda · 27/05/2017 14:22

You weren't rude

She thought you were complaining about the sax, which embarrassed her, which is understandable.

I think that it slipped out because, actually, it did bother you and some part of you wanted her to know that (Freudian Slip)

You could argue that you should have complained at the time; given her a chance to put it right then

But you weren't rude

daisypond · 27/05/2017 14:23

I actually think it's a faux pas more than rude. It was an odd thing to have said in direct response to his saying his son had visited. I can see why they thought you were having a dig. But you didn't mean to have a dig and these sorts of miscommunications happen all the time in everyday life.

NotYoda · 27/05/2017 14:23

.... and yes, if they're offended, then that's not reasonable of them.

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