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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have sex at 5.55 am?!!

86 replies

bruffian · 26/05/2017 06:16

It's too fcking early and I'm tired.

Dh is now downstairs sulking.

OP posts:
Fliptophead · 26/05/2017 07:00

I hate morning sex. you do not wake someone up to let them bask in the glory of your morning wood. That's a real knobish thing to Be sulky about.

Shoxfordian · 26/05/2017 07:03

Sulking is a symptom of a wider issue perhaps. Why does he feel entitled to sex? Do you feel you should have sex with him?

Nothing less attractive than sulking in my opinion. An ex of mine used to sulk and it just annoyed me so much. He's supposed to be a man not a toddler sulking because he didn't get what he wanted.

Shoxfordian · 26/05/2017 07:04

(I do like morning sex incidentally but not sulking!)

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 26/05/2017 07:06

I will have to come up with a sex plan though

No, you need to do this together otherwise it's going to feel like another task on your list of 'stuff that needs to be done'. Part of the problem is that you're time poor so sex starts to feel like a chore rather than something to look forward to.

The whole point of trying to address the problem is you both being able to - honestly - explain how you feel and what the issues are - and then work with each other to come up with a plan that will suit you both. So what's the best time of day for you both? Is he pulling his weight in the house (because if he isn't that's a guaranteed passion killer. It's difficult to feel aroused by someone that you've been skivvying for all day)?

It is not your responsibility to 'fix' your sex life - and if that's the way your H is positioning things then I'm not surprised that you don't feel up for it.

Laiste · 26/05/2017 07:08

Sex anytime is good for me. We're all different however and the sulking means you need the chat.

TheNaze73 · 26/05/2017 07:10

You need to talk.

metalmum15 · 26/05/2017 07:10

Sulking, he sounds like a teenage boy who can't get his leg over! Send him off to the bathroom for a wank. No way is it acceptable to wake someone up just because you fancy a shag! What time do your children go to bed, could you fit a quick one in any earlier than 10pm?

metalmum15 · 26/05/2017 07:10

Sulking, he sounds like a teenage boy who can't get his leg over! Send him off to the bathroom for a wank. No way is it acceptable to wake someone up just because you fancy a shag! What time do your children go to bed, could you fit a quick one in any earlier than 10pm?

WingsofNylon · 26/05/2017 07:11

That spiking is awful. What a major turn for. But sex that early would be my preference. I'm a big fan of fitting it in before the madness of the day starts.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 26/05/2017 07:13

Perhaps a little more time discussing intimacy with your partner rather than discussing lack of it with strangers on the internet and your lack of sex/sex at time you think are inappropriate might be solved?

Just a thought

Datun · 26/05/2017 07:14

bruffian

I'm sure lots of women have this trouble. Sex is just not something that we all think about, all the time.

And there's a fine line between coercion, and not massively being up for it, but fine with it.

His reaction is veering towards coercion.

I always find these threads very difficult. If a woman doesn't want sex and the man does. The right line is you don't. Which starts to be a problem if it goes on a long time. But then what?

The only thing you can do is talk. The only thing you can do is to suggest something that is right for you, on your terms.

Sometimes scheduling is a good idea. Because it takes the surprise element away. You can relax today, because you know sex isn't on the agenda until tomorrow. And it isn't just sprung on you in the middle of the washing up.

Also, sometimes just sorting him out, as opposed to full on sex.

Fliptophead · 26/05/2017 07:17

Today 07:13 StillDrivingMeBonkers

Perhaps a little more time discussing intimacy with your partner rather than discussing lack of it with strangers on the internet and your lack of sex/sex at time you think are inappropriate might be solved?

The op's partner just ditched her in a huff, why is she meant to trail after explaining why she doesn't want to be woken before 6 because he's experienced the miracle of an erection? Hmm

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/05/2017 07:19

Is he not allowed to be frustrated, upset, fed up of being rejected? I wouldn't class any of those things as sulking.

Anyway, you're not unreasonable to not want it at a specific time, whether that's 6am or 10pm, however, I think in a relationship it's not good to never want it/be in the mood/have the energy. It can be a challenge when you got lots of kids & pets to have any energy left or not to feel 'touched out', but your partner deserves your time & energy too. I think you need to make the time & find the energy for sex in a relationship. Often too, the more you have, the more you want, otherwise it's easy for 'No' to be the default.

What was his approach like? I love being woken up by being kissed, touched etc and as long as it's a low effort affair I'm all for it. No hanging from the chandeliers before coffee though, that's for sure! However, if I was woken up 'normally' and asked if we could have sex I'd probably smother him!

Do you actually enjoy it once you get started? The blokes in my relationships, have been very compatible with me, good, easy, comfortable sex when one of us has been tired and not up for a shag-a-thon, all except one, for whom it was an Olympic bloody event everytime...great for when you've got the time & energy, but not for a morning quickie when you're still half asleep. So, although the sex with him was mind blowing, we had far less sex than with others.

Fliptophead · 26/05/2017 07:19

Also, sometimes just sorting him out, as opposed to full on sex.

Why is that an improvement? Still the work and none of the pleasure. That literally turns sex in to a chore.

Datun · 26/05/2017 07:25

Fliptophead

Well I think it depends. I quite like doing that myself. I get a lot out of it. It's a good alternative if I'm not feeling like I want full PIV sex.

I don't think I'd do it if it was a chore though.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 26/05/2017 07:25

Is he not allowed to be frustrated, upset, fed up of being rejected? I wouldn't class any of those things as sulking.

Of course he's allowed to have feelings. But the adult thing to do is to articulate your feelings, rather than loudly banging and crashing around in a huff to make it perfectly clear how unhappy you are. It's also rather one-sided to sit and sulk rather than having a wee think about the fact that deliberately waking your knackered wife to ask for sex, probably wasn't the brightest idea when you can see she's exhausted.

I suspect that part of the problem is a lack of emotional intelligence - is it really so difficult to consider that someone who is very tired is probably not going to welcome being woken up very early for a shag? It can be difficult to find your mojo when your partner is blind to your state of mind and needs and expects his to be prioritised.

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 26/05/2017 07:25

No way is it acceptable to wake someone up just because you fancy a shag!

MetalMum. Speak for yourself!

I have terrible sleep issues, but I'm more than happy to be woken up, by the right person - with the right technique!, for sex.

Mamia15 · 26/05/2017 07:31

Does he give any thought to ensuring that you're not too tired - by pulling his weight around the house and making sure you both get to have equal amount of "me" time?

He seems to have way too much energy if he's acting like this.

Fairylea · 26/05/2017 07:36

Agree with Mamia.

If you're exhausted to the point of wanting to collapse at 10pm and he's got so much energy he's waking you up for sex at silly o clock then it sounds like he's not pitching in equally at home.

If someone woke me up for sex I'd want to kill them to be honest.

Datun · 26/05/2017 07:40

Being warmly awakened for sex, on a Sunday morning when you have hours ahead of you is one thing.

Being woken up at 6 AM when you have fallen into bed exhausted to the bone, where sleep is the precious thing on the planet, and you have a full on day ahead, is quite another.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/05/2017 07:41

PDFC. The thing is, the OP admits their sex life is crap & she's too tired in the evenings as well (fair play, life can be exhausting!). We have no idea whether they've talked about it a lot or not, or if they agreed to try mornings as evenings really wasn't working. A long time ago with an ex I was in her DH's position, it's really horrible to be constantly rejected & to feel like your partner never wants to have sex with you any time of the day. It's soul destroying & for those of us who enjoy sex, it's bloody frustrating. How long are people supposed to be continually rejected for, before they're allowed to get pissed off about it? Most of us agree to be faithful to our partners, but the assumption is that we'll be having sex together!

As for other posters saying there might be other reasons the OP isn't up for it, well, we've got no idea whether he pulls his weight around the house, whether the OP finds him attractive, how he generally treats her or anything else, so I guess our answers come from our own experiences. IF I was pissed off about those other things I'd be dealing with them, not just not fancying sex with him.

fuckwitery · 26/05/2017 07:42

I hate morning sex anyway. Too smelly. But my absolute fury would be aimed at DH for denying me some precious sleep. Waking me up for anything before I have to get up is a big no no.

Original poster
bruffian · 26/05/2017 07:48

Perhaps a little more time discussing intimacy with your partner rather than discussing lack of it with strangers on the internet and your lack of sex/sex at time you think are inappropriate might be solved?

Not sure you really understand the concept of mumsnet, but thanks anyway Confused

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/05/2017 07:48

Datun

Being warmly awakened for sex, on a Sunday morning when you have hours ahead of you is one thing

Being woken up at 6 AM when you have fallen into bed exhausted to the bone, where sleep is the precious thing on the planet, and you have a full on day ahead, is quite another

Yes, they're different, but I'd welcome both. I think it's a nice way to start the day.

Maybe part of it is that I don't see 6am as incredibly early. It's rare I'm still asleep at that time. I wonder what time the op needs to wake up?

Mind you, I'd be just as happy being woken up at 3am...done right! 😊

Original poster
bruffian · 26/05/2017 07:50

Yes he just wakes me up and asks. It's not desperately sexy tbh.

He never compliments me or gives me much emotional support at all. He's very practical. He's tidied the downstairs and the kitchen and taken the dcs to school early. It's hard to complain about that, but it makes me feel I'm just not good enough Sad

OP posts:
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