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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH leaving 7 year old alone in the house?

95 replies

Pootle40 · 25/05/2017 22:21

Found out DH has been leaving my DS who is 7 (8 in October) alone in the house for about 15 minutes while he goes to Costa and back in the car. The first time I returned unexpectedly and my DH had locked my son in so I had to tell him where to find my house key and let me in. I said to my DH I wasn't happy about it given DS age and also that he hadn't even told him where to get a key if he had had to get out in an emergency. He said he wouldn't do it again but two weeks later I caught him again (I had come home due to terrible traffic). I didn't ask him about it as I was so angry but he hasn't mentioned it so I think he will continue to do this. I don't think I normally overreact but I'm not sure?!

OP posts:
CrazedZombie · 26/05/2017 07:38

Totally not the point but Costa has wifi so ds could take headphones and watch Pokémon there.

I think 8 is an age where some kids stay alone but it's depending on your child's capability and you agreeing or course. Locking your son in was outrageous. If your son can't be trusted to leave the house or not to answer the door then he's not ready and that's fine.

CheeseQueen · 26/05/2017 07:41

NO way. Where are you when this is happening? If you can't be with him then I wouldn't be leaving him.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/05/2017 07:45

Seven's a bit on the young side in my book but I also agree with fostering independence from an early age,

Anditstartsagain · 26/05/2017 07:48

I wouldn't be overly worried about leaving a 7 year old for 15 mins if nessesary but not for a costa just take them. I once drive to our local coop which is a 4 min drive but a 15 min walk when i got back out of the shop my car was totally dead if a child was alone I'd have been much longer than normal. In my mind popping to the corner shop or into a neighbour and going to costa are different.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 26/05/2017 07:48

Also with 5MoreMinutes. I don't see that teaching a child basic independence is in any way taking away their childhood. In fact, some of the things I remember most fondly about my own childhood - the going off on bikes with friends, going to the corner shop for sweets with my brother aged 5- were very much about those early steps in independence and involved doing things earlier than you would tend to allow today. Imo lack of freedom is more of a thief of childhood than early self reliance.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 26/05/2017 07:49

But like everyone else I wouldn't leave them to drive to Costa, and NEVER locked in!

5moreminutes · 26/05/2017 07:51

Koala I do indeed let my children be children - my 6 year old wants to be left home alone for 15 minutes. I think it is the right thing to do - everything gradually and at the pace the child is happy with, not all in one go when it is a novelty at 10 or 11...

The easy way is not always the best way, and learning to use a phone and what to do in a fire and how to get help is all fun at 6.

I have also made sure he knows how to let himself into the house with a key, by letting him do this every time we arrive home together even though it takes longer than doing it myself.

Just as I encouraged the kids to dress themselves and spread butter on their toast at 2-3 even though obviously doing it myself would be faster and easier.

Kids like learning new things, and I think it is pretty much 80% of my job description to be doing all this, not to treat them as tiny helpless useless vulnerable creatures who can't be allowed any freedom or to do anything themselves until some magical age at which they are thrown in the deep end.

In practice most people are "elaborately preparing" their children for independence pretty much constantly without thinking about it, that's what bringing children up is, beyond the absolute basics of love, food, clothing, shelter...

P1nkP0ppy · 26/05/2017 07:52

Oddest excuse I've come across!
Totally not on, as others have said what would happen if he had an accident or DS couldn't get out of the house in an emergency?
There's something else going on op.

KoalaDownUnder · 26/05/2017 07:52

In fact, some of the things I remember most fondly about my own childhood - the going off on bikes with friends, going to the corner shop for sweets with my brother aged 5

Yes, me too. Because those things were fun, and you were with someone else.

I don't see the 'fostering independence' in locking a 6-y-o in the house alone to watch tv. That's just a convenience for the parent.

But I accept that I'm in the minority.

MariafromMalmo · 26/05/2017 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Natsku · 26/05/2017 10:31

Leaving a 7 year old home alone for 15 minutes is fine but locking them in is absolutely not! Nor is lying about it. OP, you and your DH need to reach a compromise on issues like this.

Teaching independence is very important but the speed and methods need to be agreed on.

I need to start leaving my 6 year old home alone sometimes as she starts preschool this year (we're in Finland). We went to her preschool introduction morning on Wednesday and OH asked if the children are allowed to walk to and from school alone and the answer was yes - these are 6 year olds and professionals consider them old enough for such independence.

DD needs to practice being alone and getting herself ready in the morning because I have to leave for work at 6am, OH usually has to leave between 7 and 8 but school doesn't start until 9 so DD will be alone for at least half an hour, probably longer, each morning before she walks to school.

T1mum3 · 26/05/2017 10:42

It's not really about the age and whether your son is capable of being left. It's the fact it was done without a discussion, without your knowledge and with your son being locked in. You are absolutely right to be angry about this. I didn't leave my children at 7 - 8 was the right age for us, but I talked to my OH about it first, but too many factors affect when is the right age for the individual child so it's a red herring to talk about that. It's the way that he went about it.

DorkMaiden · 26/05/2017 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckingDingDong · 26/05/2017 10:53

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone
If you read that, even the Government aren't giving any advice. They are delegating their responsibility to the NSPCC

amicissimma · 26/05/2017 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedSkyAtNight · 26/05/2017 12:14

Your 7 year old should know where the key is and how to unlock the door. What if there were a fire at night?

I wouldn't be furious at DH, I'd us this as a learning exercise to understand what level of independence is appropriate and what your 7 year old should be aware of!

SweetLuck · 26/05/2017 12:58

I think its fine to leave a sensible 7 year old, who isnt scared, alone for 15 minutes .

DawnOfTheMombie · 26/05/2017 13:06

He's definitely not going to Costa and it's definitely not just 15 mins.

Your DH is a lying shithead.

Natsku · 26/05/2017 13:08

I just took a job in a restaurant run by a small immigrant family - I took the job the day I popped in for a cup of tea and their young son, 7 or 8 years old was holding down the fort on his own (just serving tea and coffee, not meals) and he wasn't scared, he was very capable.

steppemum · 26/05/2017 13:11

I don't actually think leaving a 7 year old alone while you pop to locl shops is the end of the world.

I would not be happy about the situation described because:

  1. no reason not to take child with him, so less safe solution is to leave him at home
  2. not a necessary pop to shops,
  3. 15 minutes by car sounds too far
  4. he was locked in. From an early age I have taught my kids how to get out, and I would be furious that he couldn't get out
  5. Once meh, poor judgement, twice after you asked him not to is a issues about your relationship and his judgement, he lied to you about your child
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