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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH leaving 7 year old alone in the house?

95 replies

Pootle40 · 25/05/2017 22:21

Found out DH has been leaving my DS who is 7 (8 in October) alone in the house for about 15 minutes while he goes to Costa and back in the car. The first time I returned unexpectedly and my DH had locked my son in so I had to tell him where to find my house key and let me in. I said to my DH I wasn't happy about it given DS age and also that he hadn't even told him where to get a key if he had had to get out in an emergency. He said he wouldn't do it again but two weeks later I caught him again (I had come home due to terrible traffic). I didn't ask him about it as I was so angry but he hasn't mentioned it so I think he will continue to do this. I don't think I normally overreact but I'm not sure?!

OP posts:

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 26/05/2017 00:32

I doubt it's Costa or for only 15 minutes. Does he say there's a reason he doesn't just take DS like any normal person would?

Creamdonuts · 26/05/2017 01:03

I think a 7 or 8 year old is far too young.
If something dreadful happened whilst he was out getting his coffee fix would he know how to contact the emergency services and after how long, would he be able to defend himself and know what to do if an intruder came in?
All crazy and I'm shocked there are no guidelines in place in back and white re an appropriate age to leave children.

Toadinthehole · 26/05/2017 01:35

I expect there are no guidelines because it all depends on the circumstances.

Parents shouldn't be told how to breathe either.

I didn't leave my kids and go out for fifteen minutes because they weren't ready, couldn't confidently use a phone, and my house is too far away from the neighbours.

By contrast, DM ran errands to the shops for DGM when she was six. Different times, different circumstances.

Fwiw both parents have the right to decide. I wonder if he lied because he felt he wouldn't get a fair hearing.

DancingLedge · 26/05/2017 01:42

Well, lying is hardly likely to get him a better reception in future, is it?

Lying just indicates that he is an immature person, whose opinion in this matter should not weigh too heavily.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/05/2017 01:50

My 7 year olds were fine to be left for 15 minutes, concerned about the not knowing how to get out though. However, the lying about it I would have a hard time getting over. I don't see how you can parent together effectively if you can't trust each other.

Mysteriouscurle · 26/05/2017 01:55

The lying would be a problem for me. If it was an emergency and there was no other solution, but just to go to costa

Toadinthehole · 26/05/2017 01:56

Perhaps not. On the other hand, lying is a typical response to an overbearing person.

newdaylight · 26/05/2017 05:49

Agreed it can be @Toadinthehole
But in this case isn't it fair to be upset that the child was locked in and request it didn't happen. There's not many people on the thread saying a child can't be left some for a short spell, it's the fact he didn't know how to get out

KoalaDownUnder · 26/05/2017 05:54

I would have a massive problem with this. Both doing it, and the lying.

If you don't think he respects you enough to react well when confronted, what are you going to do about it??

BitOutOfPractice · 26/05/2017 06:23

Not good. On any level.

And "nipping out to costa"? That doesn't ring true to me

PsammeadPaintedTheLion · 26/05/2017 06:23

Leaving a sensible child - fine.

Lying about it - not fine.

Abra1d · 26/05/2017 06:27

15 minutes wouldn't worry me but you need to have the chat about what to do in an emergency. And about honesty.

Firenight · 26/05/2017 06:30

I wouldn't have a problem with leaving my 7 year old while i nipped out for up to half an hour. But lying about it, and locking him in is really wrong.

lizzieoak · 26/05/2017 06:34

Why can't he just take your ds to Costa if he's desperate for a coffee (& can't make it at home)? I find this part very puzzling (& wouldn't dream of leaving a 7 year old alone - and dh says it's 15 minutes, its possibly longer).

velocitygir1 · 26/05/2017 06:39

I too doubt its costa!!! Bet it is the betting office personally.

AnotherQuoll · 26/05/2017 06:47

The lying, the sneakiness, the rather odd compulsion to go on a drive for a "coffee" instead of simply make do with homemade for the time being, opting to not take the boy in the car with him (and maybe grab him a drink or treat also).. These things stand out to me. More so because he keeps doing it despite the talks but especially if it seems to be a pay day habit. Hopefully my suspicions are way off.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/05/2017 06:56

My dh left my two alone when they were (I think) 5 and a half and nearly 8 for five mins (max) to go to the bakery on foot/his bike. When I found out I said I wasn't comfortable with it and not to do it again. He didn't. They were fine, FWIW, but I would be even unhappier with your scenario for several reasons: a) locking in is a no-no, b) 15 mins is too long IMO, c) his taking the car constitutes, IMO, an added risk of delay, d) going for a coffee for himself (presumably) is just , e) (the biggie) you have said you don't want him to do it and he has done it again.

I started leaving dc1 alone for 20 mins when he had just turned 9. Started leaving both alone together for half an hour or so when dc1 had turned 10.

DJBaggySmalls · 26/05/2017 06:59

Ask him what safeguards has he put in place for if he has an accident, or if there is a house fire? Locking your child in does not make them safe.

5moreminutes · 26/05/2017 07:01

There is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving a 7 nearly 8 year old home alone for 15 minutes, in fact I'd go so far as to say it is a very good idea to start to do so to build independence gradually if the child is happy to.

I leave my 6 year old home alone while I fetch his brother - he doesn't have to stay alone, I always ask if he'd like to come. We have ground rules established and rehearsed before he was ever left, and I began by leaving him for 5 minutes while walking to the post box before moving to 20 minutes while fetching his brother. Before I ever left him we practice him using the land line speed dial to call my mobile, DH's mobile, the neighbour and his more local grandparents. We do fire drills - he knows if the fire alarm goes off he just walks straight outside without shoes or coat or anything and walks straight to the neighbour and tells her. I never lock the door. He knows which two neighbours to go to if he is scared or has a problem and I don't leave him if both are out. Their kids would come to me in similar circumstances, though one has grandma next door so there I am only a back up.

Before I leave him I WhatsAp DH and the neighbors a heads up that he is home alone. One neighbor does the same to me, just reply "OK".

I never lock him in - the door clicks shut from outside so it can't be opened from outside without a key but I would never double lock it, he can open it with the handle from inside. He can also open patio doors to get out - I wouldn't leave him unable to get outside in an emergency.

Obviously I agree with those saying that the lying, sneakiness and locking him in are absolutely and completely wrong and quite frankly very odd behaviour indeed. Those are the worrying things.

5moreminutes · 26/05/2017 07:08

I wonder if he lied because he felt he wouldn't get a fair hearing.

This could be true if the OP is "my way or the high way" about things - did you blow your top OP? Have you had a discussion (calmly) about the pros and cons of leaving your nearly 8 year old home alone briefly?

However the locking him in is not OK, and it does sound weird all 'round as others are saying... Something isn't right somewhere ...

Talk about it calmly and rationally. Find out why he needs to drive to Costa, why he prefers not to take DS, talk through whether he has prepared DS and what his thinking is on locking him in and how he'd get out in an emergency...

If he won't talk about it something is fishy! But would you be prepared to hear him out and build a sensible plan to do it safely and sensibly if he thinks DS should be OK home alone for 15 minutes?

Oblomov17 · 26/05/2017 07:19

I agree that we should actually be leaving children this age, and younger, alone for 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, etc, to build independence.

But the costa, lying, and kicking him in, bits do not sit comfortably with me.

KoalaDownUnder · 26/05/2017 07:22

5moreminutes, if you need to make such elaborate preparations to leave a child home alone (WhatsApping multiple people?!), perhaps they are too young.

'Building independence' is one thing, but I don't think it needs to start at the tender age of 6. Let them be children.

vdbfamily · 26/05/2017 07:26

I am with 5moreminutes on this one. Teach them from a young age to be safe and independent. Practice these things. If you were to drop dead in the house, your child needs to know to phone for help,get a neighbour etc etc. There is no need for this poor child to be dragged out to Costa every time dad needs a coffee. He will be safer at home in front of the telly. If the child was worried or upset it would be wrong. If the child is prone to doing crazy things when unsupervised, that would be irresponsible. If they are generally sensible then fine. I am not sure at which point one parents opinion trumps another really as dad may have concerns that DS is being wrapped up in cotton wool and not allowed to develop any independence. I am sure if you balanced the risks of staying at home alone and going out with dad in the car, it would actually be far more risky to go out in the car.

Oblomov17 · 26/05/2017 07:28

I disagree Koala.
She explained in detail, for our benefit, I suspect.

When she prepared the dc, it would have been done gradually, over time.

I, as a diabetic, have had to prepare dc, similarly, for phoning ambulance, Daddy, going to our one neighbour who he knows and trusts (and who babysits for us) in the unfortunate event of me having a bad hypo.

But children in neighbouring countries, Finland and Sweden, walk to school alone, and are left alone safely, at a younger age, than the UK.

And we seem to be moving more to their style of independence. Especially when it has be stated that the UK children are the most unhappy and anxious in the whole of Europe. Which is very sad.

walkinganhouraday · 26/05/2017 07:33

I also suspect there is more to this than 'going to Costa'.

Leaving a seven year old home alone is only part of the story here.

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