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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving 7 year old alone in the house?

95 replies

Pootle40 · 25/05/2017 22:21

Found out DH has been leaving my DS who is 7 (8 in October) alone in the house for about 15 minutes while he goes to Costa and back in the car. The first time I returned unexpectedly and my DH had locked my son in so I had to tell him where to find my house key and let me in. I said to my DH I wasn't happy about it given DS age and also that he hadn't even told him where to get a key if he had had to get out in an emergency. He said he wouldn't do it again but two weeks later I caught him again (I had come home due to terrible traffic). I didn't ask him about it as I was so angry but he hasn't mentioned it so I think he will continue to do this. I don't think I normally overreact but I'm not sure?!

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 25/05/2017 23:05

Why couldnt he just take him with him?

How was he supposed to get out in an emergency?

An 8 yr old should be ok for a few minutes but if your son hasnt been left alone before and hasnt had any instructions as to what to do in an emergency its not good, and locking them in is an appaling idea.

The worst thing in this is the lying. You told him not to do it again and he promised not to yet he did... putting his want for an overpriced coffee before his loyalty to you or his sons safety is a huge deal for me.

What else has he done behind your back?

C0untDucku1a · 25/05/2017 23:06

He shouldnt have left him.
He shount have lied.
He clearly has no regard for you as he has every intention of continuing. Is he the child's father?!

hellomoon · 25/05/2017 23:06

So he lied by omission then lied again. Your DH thinks its acceptable to lie to you.

Is that acceptable to you?

Allthewaves · 25/05/2017 23:06

Why on earth doesn't he take dc with him

ScoozMeLuv · 25/05/2017 23:09

What would happen if he was in an accident on the short drive there and back?
Who would know your DS was at home?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 25/05/2017 23:11

Unless Costa is next door it won't be 15 minutes.

The actual time it takes to get in the car, drive to Costa (they don't tend to be on quiet country roads so potentially encountering traffic delays), choose & order your drink, pay, receive your drink, get back in the car & drive home again will be longer.

The two most concerning aspects of this for me are;

a) DS is locked in without a key to get out (as he doesn't know where your key is).

b) DH is going out in the car. What if he had an accident/puncture/engine failure and was delayed? OK, it's unlikely on a short journey but it still happens. My own major car accident happened just nipping to the Drs' for a blood test, driving through a fairly peaceful town centre.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 25/05/2017 23:19

As PPs have asked, why doesn't he take DS with him - makes me wonder if he's even going to Costa or somewhere else he doesn't want your DS to see/blab to you about sorry but it does. Especially as it's urgent enough to do twice (that you know of).

Fruitcorner123 · 25/05/2017 23:20

...And if you've caught him twice how many times has he done this?

GardenGeek · 25/05/2017 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 25/05/2017 23:22

I'm shocked that anyone leaves home to go to get a Costa coffee (not just Costa - other brands are available).
Add on the fact that he is leaving your DS to go and do this and it makes even less sense.

Rubies12345 · 25/05/2017 23:24

If there's a fire he can't get out!

Is he lying about going to Costa? If he is going there why can't the boy go with him?

Atthebottomofthegarden · 25/05/2017 23:25

This is a tricky one. My DD is 9 and reasonably sensible. I would leave her alone for 15-20 min but:

  • not locked in.
  • I've taught her how to use the phone.
  • most importantly, we have talked about different scenarios and what she should do. What if the door bell rings? And it's someone she recognises - or not? If the phone rings? (Pick it up, it's probably me caught in traffic!) If she hurts herself? If a fire breaks out? (This was deemed sufficiently unlikely to earn me an eye roll!)

Has he had these conversations? I'm guessing not - and that's not acceptable, imo.

At 7 I think I would have left her for 5 min but not 15. My trips have always involved the car as there is nothing within walking distance here.

Interestingly my friend said the other day she'd leave her 9 year old for up to an hour. That feels a bit long to me, but it is a very individual thing.

HopefullyAnonymous · 25/05/2017 23:28

It seems a pretty unnecessary reason to leave him? Is that really where he's going?

Xmasbaby11 · 25/05/2017 23:28

I would not be happy with this. If he was desperate for coffee he should have taken ds. My dd is always happy to go to Costa!

Ask him what he plans to do next time.

KatieHaslam22 · 25/05/2017 23:31

Buy him a costa coffee machine if he doesn't like instant but I am struggling to see why he would leave the house to buy a costa. I couldn't do it, what if (heaven forbid) something happened while your husband was out? Car breaking down? Or something more horrific like an accident? How long would you 7 year old be on his own for? All for a costa coffee? Is it worth it? I would be having serious words!

MrsABrown72 · 25/05/2017 23:38

Would it be OK to leave a sensible seven year old in a contained communal garden (access to flat and front door is able to be open from inside but not out without key) to pop to shop? I would be five minutes. She is in a swimming costume - yes I know children can drown in three inches of water - and don't want another change of clothes. She is out there all evening without me looking over her shoulder and probably would not know I had been out. Maybe defeating the object of building her independence if I don't say she will be alone for five minutes? Child of the 70's myself and my mum would have not blinked at this but I am a bit hmmmmm not sure.
OP if not comfortable then it is a big fat no.

muffinwaggon · 25/05/2017 23:42

Why can't he take your child with him? And why is he always popping to costa when you're out, when he's meant to looking after him?
Doesn't seem right.

newdaylight · 25/05/2017 23:45

Seems odd. The decision to leave ds alone in the house for 15 mins isn't the end of the world but....

  1. For a Costa? Really?
  2. He should have discussed it with you first
  3. Locking him in is definitely a no
  4. Clearly to lie about it is not on.

So yanbu

indigox · 25/05/2017 23:53

Why wouldn't he just take him with him?

e1y1 · 25/05/2017 23:56

I would be absolutely fucking furious - to the point I couldn't trust leaving DS with DH again.

BeTheHokeyMan · 25/05/2017 23:56

Are you sure it's actually Costa that he is nipping out too ? Seems a little strange that he wouldn't bring your son along with him

BeTheHokeyMan · 25/05/2017 23:57

To not too ffs Blush

DancingLedge · 25/05/2017 23:59

Don't want to pile on the drama, but this is a real example ,from my life.

Much older child(teen) alone in house when huge house fire started. Got out OK.

Locked in? To keep safe? Is he insane?

RhiWrites · 26/05/2017 00:12

I agree with Justalittlebitfurther "the bigger problem is that he clearly didn't agree but rather than talking it through with you he just thought he'd do it again and not tell you"

You really need to be on the same page and truthful with each other.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/05/2017 00:12

He thinks he knows better than you and he lied to cover his tracks, rather than explain how he knows best.

You can't trust him because he lied. But you can never trust him because he doesn't respect your opinion (or really, deeply care about your DSs safety).