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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drinking while I'm out

80 replies

HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 19:45

Took DC out for a couple of hours this afternoon, as DH has been working quite hard the last few weeks and has a day off.

Got home and DH seemed like he had been drinking. I asked him, he said "no". I remained unconvinced - his speech was affected. Nobody else might even notice, but my radar for this is finely tuned. I grew up with a parent with a slight alcohol problem.

When I checked the bin and found 3 empty small cans of beer, I asked him again and he said "well, it's not really drinking is it."

We had a bit of an argument. He kept trying to shift blame, bring up unrelated things, get angry, then revert tearily to saying he "needed more time alone".

When he put me on the spot and asked what he'd actually done wrong, I was unable to come up with a reply. Obviously the lying is a big one, but that aside - AIBU to want my husband to be sober on his day off?

So as not to drip feed - we had a few admin things that needed sorting, that won't happen now as DC is asleep but so is DH. He becomes sort of annoying and emotional after drinking, so he's pretty useless to me for the rest of the day once he starts.

He doesn't drink all that much lately, but it bothers me a bit when he does. It feels a bit unhealthy. But is it just my history (parent issue) that makes me prickly about this?

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 25/05/2017 19:49

If his speech was affected after 3 small cans of beer, he isn't much of a drinker is he? I take it this doesn't happen on a regular basis (as I assume his alcohol tolerance would be higher if he did)?

I would be more concerned about him lying to you. Why would he do this? Do you usually give him a hard time if he wants a beer at home? Or is there a backstory that you haven't mentioned?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 25/05/2017 19:53

Unless he does it regularly or needed to drive anywhere or do something else that required total abstinence this afternoon then I'm afraid it sounds very controlling of you. It's a rare sunny 'holiday-type' day in the UK today, everyone in our street is having a quiet beer or soft drink in their garden or yard this evening and enjoying the weather. FWIW my mum is like this about alcohol and it's extremely joyless when you are a low to moderate drinker on the receiving end of it. DH privately calls her the fun police.

VelvetSpoon · 25/05/2017 19:54

I don't see what he's done wrong. It's his day off and he's had 3 small beers.

Clearly he was hung for a sheep as for a lamb here, as if he'd fessed up immediately I expect you would have had a go at him for drinking.

Does he drink regularly and to excess? If not, and unless you're teetotal and expect abstinence from him, you need to try to separate your past issues with your parent from this, seemingly quite different, situation.

dementedpixie · 25/05/2017 19:55

You sound a bit controlling around alcohol tbh. Did he not tell you because he knew what your reaction would be?

Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 19:57

HundredMilesAnHour

He used to be, but isn't now. There isn't really a back story, apart from what I mentioned about my parent (not really a back story, more just me hating growing up with a parent who turned into a droopy-lidded, slurred-speech stranger most nights).

It doesn't happen on a regular basis, but he used to drink about 4 pints a night. Is that normal? (Genuine question)

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 25/05/2017 19:57

I really can't see what he has done wrong (other than lie but is suspect that's because he had predicted your reaction).

He wasn't abusive or dangerous around the DC, he was emotional and fell asleep. You seem annoyed he isn't available to you for the take you had in mind for him.

BandeauSally · 25/05/2017 19:57

Task

Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 19:57

HundredMilesAnHour

He used to be, but isn't now. There isn't really a back story, apart from what I mentioned about my parent (not really a back story, more just me hating growing up with a parent who turned into a droopy-lidded, slurred-speech stranger most nights).

It doesn't happen on a regular basis, but he used to drink about 4 pints a night. Is that normal? (Genuine question)

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 25/05/2017 19:57

I grew up with a parent with a slight alcohol problem.

There's your issue.

Plumkettle · 25/05/2017 19:58

Whilst I have tremendous sympathy for you and your past issues with an alcoholic parent, I do think you are being unreasonable here.

You're not your dp's parent. He shouldn't have to ask permission from you to have a drink.

And the idea of reprimanding a partner for having 2 small cans of beer on his day off is a bit bonkers tbh.

Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 19:58

Slightlyperturbedowlagain I don't think I would mind if it were a nice drink out on the balcony, it just felt weird to cram 3 cans in to 2 hours and then pretend it hadn't happened?

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 25/05/2017 19:59

He probably panicked when he realised you disapproved of him drinking today and that you'd bollock him. He can't be an habitual drinker if a couple of cans was enough to make it obvious that he'd had a drink.

What does it matter if he wasn't supposed to be driving or doing much else?

Ecureuil · 25/05/2017 20:00

3 small beers on his day off, on a sunny day isn't excessive on its own, no. If he had to drive somewhere and I ended up doing it then I'd probably be a bit pissed off but not otherwise.
Do you drink at all?
DH is off tomorrow and when he finished work he had a beer in the garden as he was in 'holiday mode'.

Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:00

VelvetSpoon

I've been examining my motivation, and I think if he'd said "yes" when I asked him, I'd be a bit "hmm, alright then" but it seemed weird to lie.

I'm not particularly uptight about it, really, but this felt weird to me. Happy to be told otherwise though - consensus looking like IABU

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 25/05/2017 20:00

3 small cans isn't actually that much to drink over the space of 2 hours is it. Your comments about the balcony are hilarious Grin drinking is only ok if it looks like it should be on instagram is that it?

ShatnersBassoon · 25/05/2017 20:00

3 small cans in two hours isn't exactly cramming it in Confused. That's 40 minutes per can.

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2017 20:01

YABU and a bit crazy.

So he had three cans on his day off - so what?? It wasn't as though he had been in charge of the children.

I would not be happy at all if my DH behaved towards me like you have if I'd had some alcohol on a day off.

You need to ask yourself why you're DH feels the need to lie to you about something so trivial.

Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:01

dementedpixie yes he said he lied as he thought I'd have a go at him otherwise. I'm not sure I would have, but I guess I can't know what I might have done iyswim

OP posts:
wowbutter · 25/05/2017 20:01

Yes, you are being unreasonable for expecting him to stay sober in his day off.
I had a day off recently, went for brunch alone, had a mimosa. If DH was angry when I returned, I would have hit the roof. He is an adult.
You ave issues as your parents were drunk a lot, you need to work on that.

BandeauSally · 25/05/2017 20:01

I'm not particularly uptight about it, really,

You are, really. This thread wouldn't exist if you weren't uptight about it.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/05/2017 20:02

4 pints a night isn't normal its excessive. He should have been honest but having 3 small beers on his day off isn't so bad really. He sounds like he lied because he knows about your parent's past and he knows he used to drink too much but unless he's made a promise to give up completely I don't see what harm 3 small beers on the odd occasion could do.

caffeinestream · 25/05/2017 20:03

He lied because he knew you'd overreact.

What does it matter if he has a few drinks to himself on his day off?

mctat · 25/05/2017 20:03

It's a rare sunny 'holiday-type' day in the UK today, everyone in our street is having a quiet beer or soft drink in their garden or yard this evening and enjoying the weather

This! But it sounds like there's some tension around alcohol in your household. He sounds a bit stressed. Did it bother you because you felt he was drinking for this reason? Have you reacted like this to him drinking in the past?

HarrietKettleWasHere · 25/05/2017 20:06

3 small beers on a sunny day-off when you've got a few hours to yourself is a non-issue!

Unless he's got a problem but it doesn't exactly sound like it's a habit. I would have been annoyed to be taken to task over that, you're not his parent.

MaidOfStars · 25/05/2017 20:06

YABU, OP. Day off, sun, peace and quiet, beer or few. 3 x 330ml cans? He's had less than a couple of pints. I'd be furious to be policed like this*

*normal rules apply. If he's meant to be driving/working/etc...

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