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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH drinking while I'm out

80 replies

HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 19:45

Took DC out for a couple of hours this afternoon, as DH has been working quite hard the last few weeks and has a day off.

Got home and DH seemed like he had been drinking. I asked him, he said "no". I remained unconvinced - his speech was affected. Nobody else might even notice, but my radar for this is finely tuned. I grew up with a parent with a slight alcohol problem.

When I checked the bin and found 3 empty small cans of beer, I asked him again and he said "well, it's not really drinking is it."

We had a bit of an argument. He kept trying to shift blame, bring up unrelated things, get angry, then revert tearily to saying he "needed more time alone".

When he put me on the spot and asked what he'd actually done wrong, I was unable to come up with a reply. Obviously the lying is a big one, but that aside - AIBU to want my husband to be sober on his day off?

So as not to drip feed - we had a few admin things that needed sorting, that won't happen now as DC is asleep but so is DH. He becomes sort of annoying and emotional after drinking, so he's pretty useless to me for the rest of the day once he starts.

He doesn't drink all that much lately, but it bothers me a bit when he does. It feels a bit unhealthy. But is it just my history (parent issue) that makes me prickly about this?

OP posts:

paxillin · 25/05/2017 20:31

The low alcohol tolerance can of course mean he isn't much of a drinker. It could also mean he is a big drinker (4am extremely drunk binges) and his liver is so damaged that very little alcohol gets broken down and he is drunk after 3 small beers.

I think if you feel uneasy about his drinking because it seems unhealthy, it probably is. Lying about drinking rings all sorts of alarm bells, too. Not just the usual "you shouldn't lie to your DP" ones. Alcoholics habitually lie about their alcohol consumption.

TatianaLarina · 25/05/2017 20:31

You have a problem with alcohol if you can't control it, even if you're drinking like that all the time. It sounds like he sometimes drinks to excess. I think your parent is a red herring it's your partner's behaviour around alcohol that is concerning you.

TatianaLarina · 25/05/2017 20:33

^Even if you're not drinking like that all the time I meant.

MrsJamesMathews · 25/05/2017 20:33

OP This whole scenario is odd and I'd be inclined to say you have something to worry about.

Someone drinking 3 small drinks on their day off = not weird at all.

Someone who up to a few months ago was drinking 4 pints a day, plus the odd all night session all of a sudden lying about drinking 3 small drinks and having affected speech = odd.

I don't think he had only 3 beers. I don't think this is a one off. I think you need to talk to him.

MrsMachin · 25/05/2017 20:34

I feel a few posters here are being a bit harsh on the OP.

I will admit you may have reacted slightly over the top, but you clearly have strong feelings surrounding this due to issues from your past. That's understandable.

I find it weird that your DH lied to you. I don't think you were controlling.

I think a calm discussion with him is what's needed - just explaining why you're upset (ie because he lied to you).

friendlyflicka · 25/05/2017 20:34

I think you probably have a highly sensitive radar for this kind of thing, and he is not doing anything terrible, but the lying is worrying. I think, because you actually sound a very reasonable person, there must be a bit more to this. And yes I think people's different attitudes towards alcohol can be very divisive.

Original poster

HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:45

Thank you page 3 posters! I feel like you know where I am coming from.

The thing is, whenever I imagine "letting go" of this kind of thing, all I can really imagine doing is switching off and not giving a shit about him any more. I need to make an effort to be a bit less binary about it, but it's hard.

But it is really good to have the perspective of others on here, especially about amounts of booze. I didn't grow up in the UK (and we are actually not there right now) but he is from there so maybe his sense of what's "normal" is set a little higher than mine!

OP posts:

roundaboutthetown · 25/05/2017 20:46

Drinking three beers on his own in two hours in the middle of the day and then lying about it sounds sad and pathetic to me, but then I never drink alcohol to "self-medicate." I would not be happy at all with his drinking patterns, nor with the fact he has mentioned to you before that he thinks he may be an alcoholic. He certainly sounds like a problem drinker to me, tbh. But then, most of the time it doesn't really seem to bother you, so what I see as problem drinking is not what you see as a problem, and your real issue is with the lying on this occasion, despite the obvious evidence imo that he was a problem drinker long before he lied to you about it, today.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 25/05/2017 20:48

That's not a drip feed, that's a deluge. It makes it a totally different situation from what you initially presented it as
Yep, secret drinking behaviour and your DH previously saying he feels he's an alcoholic are not the situation I commented on, so please ignore my original post. In that case yes I can see why it might be an issue, but I suggest you help him find some help together and I hope it works out for you.

innagazing · 25/05/2017 20:58

The alcohol isn't the issue here. DH saying he needs more time alone is!

LordBeefCurtain · 25/05/2017 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mctat · 25/05/2017 22:21

'his drinking, apart from the binges I mention above, is quite anti-social. So like I said before, kicking back in the sun with a beer, maybe - shock - while I have a drink too... that feels quite healthy and pleasant to me. But downing a few cans of beer alone and then denying it when we arrive home feels odd - and sort of insulting to me, not because of the drinking, but because it insults my intelligence a little. Of course I will notice, so it feels so childish to lie about it.'

Op he sounds like one of those kinds of people who drink to de-stress or distract themselves, not just drink socially. Not necessarily an alcoholic but a problem drinker as a pp said, someone using it as a crutch.

You are obviously not one of those people. It sounds like he's a little bit ashamed of this about him, and with you perhaps a little sensitive about the issue that's added up to him lying. I don't think it's purposefully to insult your intelligence though. If he really thought it ok he wouldn't have lied.

Just saw your comment about him self-medicating and his past comments about thinking he's an alcoholic.

I don't think YABU. There's a context to your feelings way beyond a few beers on a sunny day. But, agree you need to talk to him so you can at least both be open about it.

'I didn't grow up in the UK (and we are actually not there right now) but he is from there so maybe his sense of what's "normal" is set a little higher than mine!'

It is quite a British thing, IMO! I think it's something that can take a v long time to unpick, recognising you have a problem with how you use alcohol. Look at all the comments you got about being a killjoy - it's easy to take that attitude on the face of it. But you and your partner will know the truth of it.

Original poster

HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 22:52

mctat thank you so much for your post.

DH sleeping next to me. Not really sure what to think. I do think his drinking will continue to be a vague problem, bubbling away in the background but probably not causing too much trouble.

OP posts:

hellomoon · 25/05/2017 22:58

3 small cans of beer
Day off
Not in charge of kids

Totally ok

Lying about it? Not ok.

Perhaps you could talk to him about why he felt the need to.

sadsquid · 25/05/2017 23:06

Mm - there's unhealthy drinking that's used to deal with emotions, and it may not be physical alcohol dependence but it's not a good relationship with alcohol either. Actually the drinking alone and hoping no one would notice sounds like what I do when I comfort eat. I don't go to massive lengths to hide wrappers beyond binning them with the normal rubbish, but I would never mention having done it and if my daughter asks about the biscuits or whatever I would probably say something vague rather than fess up. So if your DH is anything like me, perhaps alcohol isn't quite an addiction but still an emotional crutch he is quietly ashamed of using.

Sorry, hope that's useful and I'm not just projecting...

shinyredbus · 25/05/2017 23:48

HowMuchDoWeNeed - i think you are being unreasonable crazy , what exactly did he do wrong?! He probably lied because he was afraid you would overreact and you did.

toffeeboffin · 25/05/2017 23:50

My DH will regularly have three small beers in two hours, I don't think it's excessive at all.

Collaborate · 26/05/2017 00:28

If I was married to you I think I'd be driven to drink far more than 3 small beers, to be honest. He sounds very restrained.

ChildishGambino · 26/05/2017 00:47

I honk you probably would have had a go at him and that is exactly why he lied.

ChildishGambino · 26/05/2017 00:49

Personally, I think this is your problem but you will project it on to every person you live with. Please seek help.

DonaldJBottyburp · 26/05/2017 01:05

He probably lied to you because you quiz him, freak out about him having a very small amount of drink and check up on him to the point of going through the bin.

It's understandable given your background but a lack of trust and overreaction to innocent things WILL ultimately drive people to lie to you and maybe even drive them away, so if you can't stop it be ready for the consequences.

Trifleorbust · 26/05/2017 02:08

Good god. It's his day off, his body. Do you have any idea how controlling you sound? You made him cry!

Underbeneathsies · 26/05/2017 02:24

I also think there's a bottle of vodka somewhere.
Slurred speech after a litre of beer is not normal.
I think there's a bottle of the real stuff somewhere. Maybe the freezer?

Hi drinking has meant he's not available to you or the children, and he can't do the jobs he was going to do as he's incapable because of alcohol.

I also think four pints a night is too much and binge drinking is not on either.

Please ring AA OP and discuss your concerns there.

From what you've said in all your posts, you have repeated the pattern of grew up with and have indeed married someone who himself has issues with alcohol.

You know your DH and you own feelings best.
I'd go with your gut and think you're correct to draw the conclusions you've drawn. I think alcohol abuse is still playing a huge part in your family.

I'd also go for ALAnon counselling/ meetings for grown children of alcoholic parents.

Good luck!

strong80 · 26/05/2017 02:48

i can see it from both sides here, my dad has always had an issue with drink that i (and those close to me) sometimes have thought i may also have ( in some dark days i saw it too but that's another thing) but my work pattern means i have some days off during the week now and then, sometimes i do want to chill and have a drink but others think this is wrong/weird because it can be a tuesday etc. i find myself lying now and then if i've had a drink but it's because i don't want judged/lectured. if i was getting out of control at these times completemy different. the people that love me that fear for me also will NEVER understand that that's still my way of coping/de-stressing due to the fact they've been worried about me before with drink.
as long as he isn't hurting you, his family and himself with it try to understand.

sugarbeep9 · 26/05/2017 02:54

sorry op but you knew he drank. it sounds like you wanted to kick off an argument.
i would get some support for your own issues around alcohol. maybe al anon or counselling?

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