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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drinking while I'm out

80 replies

HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 19:45

Took DC out for a couple of hours this afternoon, as DH has been working quite hard the last few weeks and has a day off.

Got home and DH seemed like he had been drinking. I asked him, he said "no". I remained unconvinced - his speech was affected. Nobody else might even notice, but my radar for this is finely tuned. I grew up with a parent with a slight alcohol problem.

When I checked the bin and found 3 empty small cans of beer, I asked him again and he said "well, it's not really drinking is it."

We had a bit of an argument. He kept trying to shift blame, bring up unrelated things, get angry, then revert tearily to saying he "needed more time alone".

When he put me on the spot and asked what he'd actually done wrong, I was unable to come up with a reply. Obviously the lying is a big one, but that aside - AIBU to want my husband to be sober on his day off?

So as not to drip feed - we had a few admin things that needed sorting, that won't happen now as DC is asleep but so is DH. He becomes sort of annoying and emotional after drinking, so he's pretty useless to me for the rest of the day once he starts.

He doesn't drink all that much lately, but it bothers me a bit when he does. It feels a bit unhealthy. But is it just my history (parent issue) that makes me prickly about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:06

Ecureuil yes I do drink.

Bandeau yeah I guess it does sound silly - I was responding to another poster who was describing a sort of festive holiday scene, and I was saying that would seem sort of more normal to me. Whereas when DC and I got home, DH was like "that was great! I had a nap for an hour and a half, then watched part of a film..." but clearly that was all not true, or maybe it was and he actually drank 3 cans of beer in 30 minutes!?

Basically it's the lying that's irritated me, but some people have said "why does he feel the need to lie" so I am taking that on board.

IABU!

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 25/05/2017 20:07

If he's wanting to wind down on a rare day off, and doesn't drink much, the drinking is a real non-issue.

The lying would be a big issue in my relationship, but it doesn't sound like the issue is alcohol, it sounds like he knew your reaction and wanted an easy life.

My DP does (well did) this about minor stuff and it pissed me off, but it was as much my fault for being a stress-head as hers for avoiding things.

-Apologise.

-Acknowledge you are a bit touchy on this subject.

-Explain why the lying isn't on.

-Job done- time for make up sex :-)

c3pu · 25/05/2017 20:07

Hwbu to lie, but I can't really see the issue about having 3 cans in 2 hours on a nice sunny day when it's his day off.

If I were you I'd have a chat about how you were upset that he lied, but he was right and that there was nothing wrong with his behaviour.

Now I'm going to have a pint, cos it's warm and it's been a long day :D

Mum2jenny · 25/05/2017 20:07

3 small cans in 2 hours seems ok to me on a day off, as long as he hadn't intended driving anywhere for a few hours afterwards.
I guess you did overreact slightly.

maras2 · 25/05/2017 20:08

If you think that he's pissed after 3 beers then 'Chercher la bouteille de vodka'.

Mum2jenny · 25/05/2017 20:08

I would wonder why he felt the need to lie though!

PotteringAlong · 25/05/2017 20:09

He hasn't crammed 3 small cans into 2 hours. If he'd drunk 12 cans that would have been cramming them in.

FuckingDingDong · 25/05/2017 20:10

just me hating growing up with a parent who turned into a droopy-lidded, slurred-speech stranger most nights
You're the one with the problem, then. Not him. YABU

caffeinestream · 25/05/2017 20:10

He felt the need to lie because he knew OP would overreact and not like it.

Bluntness100 · 25/05/2017 20:11

How bizarre, three small beers and his speech is slurred? As a previous poster said, he's clearly not a big drinker. And if your accusing him and checking the bins, clearly he's hiding it for good reason.

He's a grown man, three small beers on his day off is fine. Honestly you're being very controlling and your behaviour is forcing him to lie.

For me, in this instance, you are at fault not him.

Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:12

"it sounds like there's some tension around alcohol in your household. He sounds a bit stressed. Did it bother you because you felt he was drinking for this reason? Have you reacted like this to him drinking in the past?"

Hmm... let me get some of my thoughts on this down

He has form for going to friend's places and staying there all night, getting hugely drunk. That hasn't happened for a few months. When it does, he tends to be pretty functional the next day. But it just seems so over the top to me, to stay up til 5am drinking (and more) - we are nearing 40.

Sorry if that is a drip feed. It's just a sort of background thing, lots of our friendship group do this sort of thing.

There is tension re. alcohol, probably due to my parent, so I will take the advice on here and work on that, as it's my issue not his.

And what I have struggled to articulate properly on here is that his drinking, apart from the binges I mention above, is quite anti-social. So like I said before, kicking back in the sun with a beer, maybe - shock - while I have a drink too... that feels quite healthy and pleasant to me. But downing a few cans of beer alone and then denying it when we arrive home feels odd - and sort of insulting to me, not because of the drinking, but because it insults my intelligence a little. Of course I will notice, so it feels so childish to lie about it.

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Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:15

All right FuckingDingDong - really necessary to be so harsh about it? I should not have opened up about that subject, it's actually quite painful for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:17

"How bizarre, three small beers and his speech is slurred?"

Speech not slurred - affected. Very slightly. Nobody else would notice but I know him very well and can always tell.

The slurred speech I referred to was someone else (my parent).

Anyway - verdict is in, IABU. Thanks all. I'll apologise when DH wakes up Grin

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Reow · 25/05/2017 20:17

3 half cans = 1.5 pints. Tiny amount.

We don't drink much in the week but would easily drink this on a working day.

expatinscotland · 25/05/2017 20:18

I think the issues are yours.

Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:19

"The lying would be a big issue in my relationship, but it doesn't sound like the issue is alcohol, it sounds like he knew your reaction and wanted an easy life.

My DP does (well did) this about minor stuff and it pissed me off, but it was as much my fault for being a stress-head as hers for avoiding things."

exactly this donquixote - good advice. Will try to dial it down

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Plumkettle · 25/05/2017 20:21

Really think you need to lighten up and loosen the leash OP. You're coming across as a bit of a controlling killjoy to be perfectly honest. Sorry that's blunt. But I'm beginning to feel quite sorry for your dp not being "allowed" to enjoy himself and have a bit of fun without you coming down on him. Since when did nearing forty mean you stop letting your hair down once in a while?!

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 25/05/2017 20:21

He lied because he knew you would get all arsey and weird about it. You have an issue, he doesn't. You're being controlling.

sadsquid · 25/05/2017 20:22

YABU but understandably, I think. Sounds like you two could do with a talk. You need to try not to fly off the handle about him drinking, but equally lying about drinking is going to be a bit of a hot-button issue for you given your background. If you promise to keep calm about reasonable drinking, I think he should promise not to deliberately hide it - it would be the kind thing for him to do and it would foster much better trust between you. Changing how we react to old childhood hurts is hard and takes time.

sadsquid · 25/05/2017 20:25

Oh, and I don't think the getting drunk all night with friends is a big problem (unless he's continually buggering off without warning and leaving you with DC or something). My parents still do this and they're pushing 60... as occasional social behaviour, it doesn't strike me as problematic. Secret drinking at home alone is more understandable for you to worry about IMO.

Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:26

Thank you sadsquid for your post.

I think people might be getting the wrong idea, I don't "not allow" him not to drink, he has in the past come home saying "I think I'm an alcoholic", he doesn't drink to have fun, he drinks to self-medicate. I do that sometimes too and I get it. But it is not the same thing as kicking back and having an after work pint.

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TatianaLarina · 25/05/2017 20:29

It's an odd thing to lie about. The lying makes it weirder than it would be.

I wouldn't put up with a partner who stays up all night getting slaughtered every few months, but everyone's different.

WomblingThree · 25/05/2017 20:29

That's not a drip feed, that's a deluge. It makes it a totally different situation from what you initially presented it as. Even when PPs asked what your issues were, you said there weren't any. Now you come out with the fact he stays out all night on the lash. Hmmm. Bit of a lie then.

Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:30

"I don't think the getting drunk all night with friends is a big problem (unless he's continually buggering off without warning and leaving you with DC or something). My parents still do this and they're pushing 60... as occasional social behaviour, it doesn't strike me as problematic. Secret drinking at home alone is more understandable for you to worry about IMO."

Yes exactly! Although the all-nighters are slightly inconvenient as I get left with DC the next morning, I don't mind and I would do it too if all my friends weren't off the booze due to pregnancy, breastfeeding or general toddlerhood

The secret drinking... it irks me that he thinks he can't tell me, but I need to examine my own behaviour. I wouldn't "tell him off" but clearly he thinks I would so that is a problem in itself

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Original poster
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 25/05/2017 20:31

"Now you come out with the fact he stays out all night on the lash. Hmmm. Bit of a lie then."

Not a lie Wombling - like I said, very normal and non-noteworthy around these parts. But after thinking about it, I realised it's probably relevant. The OP was long enough as it is.

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