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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have reached your breaking point with DH by now?

63 replies

Lostatsea123 · 25/05/2017 15:23

Been with DH 10 years and have a 5 month old and a 22 month old. I've always worked full time, earned decent money and I'm financially self sufficient. DH is self employed and work/income has always been erratic.

We rent but I'm desperate to buy and DH has been telling me for the last 5 years we will, but he needs to save more, clear off credit card etc etc. We manage our finances separately with a joint household account for rent/bills we both put money in to, I'm happy with this.

It's now come to light DH has £21k worth of debt. On top of this his work situation is dire (again!) and he can't contribute towards bills etc.

I've been made redundant whilst on maternity leave so my income is zero, although I am job hunting. I've been on maternity leave for the past 6 months (SMP only) but I've still had to single handedly cover all our household outgoings whilst DH tries to sort out work.

I look after both our children full time, I do all the housework, I pay all the bills despite only having SMP, so I've gone through all my savings and I'm now getting in to debt myself. DH has now stated he's mentally unwell from the stress of being in debt, he's struggling with work but won't even consider finding an alternative job in the short term so we have a stable income, I'm also trying to job hunt but I've asked DH to be a SAHD if I can find a well paying job to help me get to work each day so I don't have to worry about looking after our children but he says he can't be at home. DH has now said he's finding the responsibility of having two children overwhelming! But I'm doing everything!

I don't want to insult anyone by saying I feel like a single parent but I really do. Financially, emotionally, our children, I literally do everything!

AIBU to say enough is enough? Obviously we have two really young children to consider.

OP posts:
Advicerequiredthx · 25/05/2017 15:24

LTB.

Justanothernameonthepage · 25/05/2017 15:30

Yes. I'd be putting my mental health first. Although consult a solicitor first to check where you'd be financially. I have a lot of sympathy with people who struggle with MH issues, but putting all the strain on a partner is not going to make a happy relationship. Even if it's a trial separation, it might help the both of you begin to evaluate what you need from each other.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 25/05/2017 15:30

He is a selfish asshole. You'd be better off physically, emotionally, and financially as a single parent. Your kids deserve better than this. You deserve better than this.

Leavesandburies · 25/05/2017 15:30

You not only don't have his help physically, financially or emotionally, you have him as an added burden physically, financially and emotionally.

I think life would be easier without him to be honest.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 25/05/2017 15:31

LTB!!

Funnyface1 · 25/05/2017 15:59

Yes, I would have reached my breaking point some time ago. What is he really bringing to the relationship? Do you love him enough to carry on like this, knowing it may not change? Do you think he loves you, despite his terribly selfish actions? You need to have a big think about where you want your life to go, especially considering you have small children. Best of luck.

sadsquid · 25/05/2017 16:15

So he's a net drain on every resource you have, basically. And has no interest in changing that or facilitating your efforts to change that. How the fuck does he think your situation is going to get resolved if he won't either look for alternative work or be a SAHP, and is overwhelmed by the kids despite not lifting a finger at home? Is he expecting the money fairy to leave a healthy income under his pillow?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/05/2017 16:20

Is he unwell? Has he seen a doctor and does he have a diagnosis?

BloodWorries · 25/05/2017 16:26

I'd be asking for a trial separation, or even just some space to think about things and get yourselves sorted.
If he's not game then separate.

I think he needs some space and time to get his head straight, even though he isn't actually doing anything to support or provide the stress and thought of it are still there.

I'd try to push for joint custody, and find a job that fits when he has the kids, since you are happy enough for him to be a SAHD full time I am assuming there are no concerns with him having the kids alone. Or even full time with him having them some of the time and rest of the time them being in a nursery. Plenty of parents have to do it, it might not be what you envisioned but it really can work well and kids are happy with any routine really.

Original poster
Lostatsea123 · 25/05/2017 16:55

Thank you everyone.

I don't have any concerns about him being able/safe to look after our children.

He has been to the Drs and they've told him he has depression and anxiety. My problem is this has been going on for so long and I don't feel he is helping himself, he needs to change his line of work for the time being. I also feel like shouting at him 'You're not a single frigging man now, you can't continue to flap along with no direction, aimlessly drifting without any goals! He told me his Dr told him to tell me 'he needs support and understanding and some time to relax'. I feel like saying What the fuck do you think I need? I'm keeping our whole life afloat single handedly! The other night he asked me what I'm doing about getting a job because he isn't earning any money.

The other night he told me he's realised he's always relied on me financially because I've always been stable and able to cover our outgoings, this is the first time I'm unable to and he's finding the responsibility of having to cover our outgoings overwhelming. He even mentioned going to stay at his parents once a week so he gets 'a break' because apparently life at home with two children under two is chaotic....

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 25/05/2017 16:58

"He told me his Dr told him to tell me 'he needs support and understanding and some time to relax'."

Ah yes, the old refrain of the doctor saying "you need to try and find ways to relax a bit when youre anxious, have you tried mindfulness?" and they report back "the doctor says I need to spend all weekend in the pub with my mates and youre not to nag me about it".

IJustLostTheGame · 25/05/2017 16:58

I would be telling him to stay at his parents permanently to be honest.
He may well have depression and anxiety which needs support.
He can get that at his parents because you have too many problems to deal with that he has contributed/caused.
You can call it a trial separation and see how it goes

RubyWinterstorm · 25/05/2017 16:59

He sounds self-centred! Very very self centred.

Kokusai · 25/05/2017 17:01

You are probably better off financially without him - 2 kids under 2, you'd get a fair whack of HM, CTC and income support since you've been made redundant.

He sounds like he is making life harder not better for you.

Wolfiefan · 25/05/2017 17:02

I have had depression. It didn't mean I had to stay somewhere else for a break. He sounds like a lazy man child.
WTF did he spend all that money on?

Reow · 25/05/2017 17:03

He sounds like a selfish cocklodger.

Would you be any worse off on your own?

witsender · 25/05/2017 17:03

He can fuck right off. What do you get from having him around? If he was even remotely aware or appreciative of the situation and your input to it I would feel better towards him. But to have so little awareness and expect as much as he does would have me giving him a few home truths and going solo.

3luckystars · 25/05/2017 17:06

People can manage on very little when they are 'in it together'.

I think I would put up with a lot but not lies, if he hid the debt and lied then can you trust him? He has not just taken that money from you and your children but he has stolen your time with them and your peace during your maternity leave.

That's a different kettle of fish and it's not about the money.

araiwa · 25/05/2017 17:06

yeah i dont get why anyone would stay with someone with a mental illness- theyre just a burden- get rid of him

AlphaBites · 25/05/2017 17:12

I too would be considering my future if my spouse was like this. You need to consider your mental health. Perhaps him staying with his parents for a fortnight might give everyone some space and see how you feel after ?

Flowers as I imagine this must a horrible thing to consider.

AlphaBites · 25/05/2017 17:13

Hmm consider seems to be my buzz word in that post !

annandale · 25/05/2017 17:17

Araiwa thats nonsense and you know it. My DH has major mh issues but is scrupulously honest and reliable, loving and responsible. It's still really hard sometimes but he is not a burden. Sounds like this man is anxious and depressed because he's lied and fucked up. It's not the mh issue that the op is at the end of her tether about.

He needs to grow up now but that doesn't have to be on your time.

HanShootsFirst · 25/05/2017 17:17

araiwa that's not really fair. He may have a mental illness but that doesn't absolve him of all responsibility to try to get help, or help the OP where possible.

IonaNE · 25/05/2017 17:19

He lives in a parallel universe. What makes him think he gets to choose whether he looks after his own children or contributes to the finances?! I'd tell him he can stay at his parents' permanently, tbh. Sorry you're going through this, OP.

peachgreen · 25/05/2017 17:22

If my husband concealed debt from me I would leave him immediately. I'd be more likely to forgive an affair than debt. OP, I'm sorry, but you would be better off without him, financially, practically and emotionally.