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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have reached your breaking point with DH by now?

63 replies

Lostatsea123 · 25/05/2017 15:23

Been with DH 10 years and have a 5 month old and a 22 month old. I've always worked full time, earned decent money and I'm financially self sufficient. DH is self employed and work/income has always been erratic.

We rent but I'm desperate to buy and DH has been telling me for the last 5 years we will, but he needs to save more, clear off credit card etc etc. We manage our finances separately with a joint household account for rent/bills we both put money in to, I'm happy with this.

It's now come to light DH has £21k worth of debt. On top of this his work situation is dire (again!) and he can't contribute towards bills etc.

I've been made redundant whilst on maternity leave so my income is zero, although I am job hunting. I've been on maternity leave for the past 6 months (SMP only) but I've still had to single handedly cover all our household outgoings whilst DH tries to sort out work.

I look after both our children full time, I do all the housework, I pay all the bills despite only having SMP, so I've gone through all my savings and I'm now getting in to debt myself. DH has now stated he's mentally unwell from the stress of being in debt, he's struggling with work but won't even consider finding an alternative job in the short term so we have a stable income, I'm also trying to job hunt but I've asked DH to be a SAHD if I can find a well paying job to help me get to work each day so I don't have to worry about looking after our children but he says he can't be at home. DH has now said he's finding the responsibility of having two children overwhelming! But I'm doing everything!

I don't want to insult anyone by saying I feel like a single parent but I really do. Financially, emotionally, our children, I literally do everything!

AIBU to say enough is enough? Obviously we have two really young children to consider.

OP posts:
toffeeboffin · 25/05/2017 17:24

He's basically a third child.

Cakeisbest · 25/05/2017 17:24

Where did the £21k go, that is a heck of a lot of money, Did he buy things that could be sold, like a car (downgrade to a cheaper one), or has it all gone with nothing to show for it which is another problem in itself (possible gambling problem?).

araiwa · 25/05/2017 17:25

"We rent but I'm desperate to buy and DH has been telling me for the last 5 years we will, but he needs to save more, clear off credit card etc etc."

for 5 years he has been telling OP he has debt. he hasnt been hiding it

ExplodedCloud · 25/05/2017 17:27

It's not about mental illness though. If the OP had said he's a great dad, great partner but suddenly he's struggling at work, has depression and anxiety and is struggling to cope that would be one thing. But that's not what she's saying.
He sounds like he's relied on you to be the grown up but now he needs to be the grown up he won't. I think you'd find it easier to manage without him on board :(

Original poster
Lostatsea123 · 25/05/2017 17:28

Ariawa the MH issue has no bearing on my question or decision.

The secrecy, lies and deceit around the hidden debt, the push to get me to return to work so I can pick up the responsibility for the family finances again, the unwillingness to change jobs even temporarily for the good of our family, the lack of support/consideration/understanding for me when I'm doing so much to keep us afloat, these are the issues.

OP posts:
cleanlaundry · 25/05/2017 17:30

I would have lost my rags ages ago, he needs to sort himself out!

Original poster
Lostatsea123 · 25/05/2017 17:31

Araiwa no he hasn't been telling me he has £21k debt for 5 years!

It's now come to light DH has £21k worth of debt. On top of this his work situation is dire (again!) and he can't contribute towards bills etc.

I had presumed his debt was an average amount but he has always avoided telling me exactly how much.

OP posts:
ChaChaChaCh4nges · 25/05/2017 17:38

Yes, I'd be at or beyond breaking point now. For all the reasons you've so eloquently outlined.

PP's suggestion to send him to his parents is a good one. At least then he'll (charitably) be better placed to recover or (uncharitably) be a drain on someone else's resources.

averythinline · 25/05/2017 17:40

i would have lost my rag with this a lot earlier...
I would tell him to get back to his parents as he's a child and sort yourself any benefits you are entitled too whilst you look for a job-have you got any redundancy pay? rights...speak to Acas if you've been made redundant whilst on maternity as you should be protected..
I'm not sure how debt works if you're married but there are some good debt helplines around

StatelessPrincess · 25/05/2017 17:45

The hidden debt would have ended it for me. He is not going to take responsibility for himself or your family, he is actually choosing not to, so yes I think you would be much better off without him.

oldjacksscrote · 25/05/2017 17:45

I would definitely try a trial separation (at least)
He's got himself into a mess and thats probably what's causing the depression, he won't feel better by relaxing, he'll feel better by being proactive and taking steps to clear that mess up! There are charities which help with mental health and debt.
I have mental health problems and I still care for my 2 young children and share house hold tasks. It's really difficult some days. when I'm having a major depressive episode I might stay at my mums for a night to clear my head and I try to start fresh when I'm home, but it doesn't fix anything it just gives you breathing space (which it sounds like he has plenty of)

ohfourfoxache · 25/05/2017 17:47

Right, I'm going to be straight from the outset- I have depression and I'm currently going through a ridiculously massive flare up (pretty much housebound with anxiety). I have very little motivation to do anything and I'm pretty sure my poor dh is massively stressed as a result.

However, all the services that are helping me - GP, perinatal MH (I'm 33 weeks pregnant), clinical psychologist and consultant psychiatrist - have ALL said that in order to feel better, I need to do something every day. The worst possible thing I can do is do nothing. So, getting up and dressed and, pretty obviously, looking after DS are the basics and from there I can factor in more activities as things improve.

If he is depressed then no GP worth their salt will say "just rest" because it's bullshit. Rest does not cure depression.

Honest opinion? This man is a useless fucking cocklodger and you would be so much better off - mentally, emotionally and financially - without him.

rollonthesummer · 25/05/2017 17:50

You don't need this man child in your life-tell him to get stuffed! What do his parents think of his behaviour??

justkeeponsmiling · 25/05/2017 17:54

That sounds so stressful Lost I don't think I could live with such an unsupportive partner.

ohfourfoxache · 25/05/2017 18:07

Actually, fuck the depression aspect - he's a fucking liar. 21k? Jesus, that in itself is pretty unforgivable.

I do wonder if he's pulling the "depressed card" because he's had to come clean Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/05/2017 18:33

He's never had to be resilient. His parents and you have always sheltered him from the harsh realities of life. And it turns out he's not capable of dealing with stress, parenting, work and life effectively.

What he wants is to coast along while everyone else does the heavy lifting.

It's your decision to either do it or not. I wouldn't.

isadoradancing123 · 25/05/2017 19:12

Send him to his mums for his well deserved break, but make sure to tell him not to come back

SquinkiesRule · 25/05/2017 19:24

I'd have lost my rag ages ago.
You would be less stressed yourself if he wasn't there. It's easier to look after 2 kids, and no husband.
Help him pack his bin bags for when he goes to Mum, tell him not to come back.

Camelsinthegobi · 25/05/2017 19:36

Yes, send him on his way. Then reapply for tax credits, help w council tax, rent, etc. Will be difficult in the short term but i think you'll fly without him.

iloveruby · 25/05/2017 19:36

The 'depression' is completely irrelevant - what is relevant is that he utterly fails to acknowledge the extra stress he is putting on the OP and his failure to play any part, let alone an equal part, in your family.

I certainly couldn't tolerate it and I think it would actually be easier for you OP if you were a single parent. One less mouth to feed and all that....

Msqueen33 · 25/05/2017 19:44

How on earth has he run up that amount of debt?

I suffer with depression but I'm still managing to cope with two kids with special needs. I'd ask him to move out for a while and go from there.

eddielizzard · 25/05/2017 19:46

he's absolved himself of all responsibility. the lies and deceit would kill the love for me. the resentment is eating you up. this is an awful situation to be in and he's actively, purposefully making it worse.

Softkitty2 · 25/05/2017 20:13

Tell him to get his shit together. Its all about him isn't it? You need to tell him what you are really thinking and he needs to hear some home truths..

Have a break from his life? Leave him you will be better off

sadsquid · 25/05/2017 20:15

I suffer with depression and anxiety but you know what I do when life starts getting dysfunctional? I seek treatment. With the help of treatment I have always either worked or looked after children so DH can work. Mental illness isn't a dealbreaker, but being a feckless arsehole with a mental illness might be.

he's finding the responsibility of having to cover our outgoings overwhelming. He even mentioned going to stay at his parents once a week so he gets 'a break'

Is he not embarrassed at the words coming out of his mouth? He won't stay home. He won't find other work that would cover your costs. He insists on the situation being as difficult as bloody possible and then complains that he can't cope, while OP has burnt through her savings and done everything at home in order to accommodate him flapping uselessly around. And then he says he needs understanding. How much more understanding is he after??

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 26/05/2017 08:32

OP the situation you describe is hard enough when a couple are pulling together, when you are trying to do it all alone with a partner who is basically making it harder its just impossible.

He is bringing nothing to the partnership so he needs to go, you will be better on your own because you will be able to control everything. Good luck with whatever you decide to do