Would you have reached your breaking point with DH by now?

[Lostatsea123]

Been with DH 10 years and have a 5 month old and a 22 month old. I've always worked full time, earned decent money and I'm financially self sufficient. DH is self employed and work/income has always been erratic.

We rent but I'm desperate to buy and DH has been telling me for the last 5 years we will, but he needs to save more, clear off credit card etc etc. We manage our finances separately with a joint household account for rent/bills we both put money in to, I'm happy with this.

It's now come to light DH has £21k worth of debt. On top of this his work situation is dire (again!) and he can't contribute towards bills etc.

I've been made redundant whilst on maternity leave so my income is zero, although I am job hunting. I've been on maternity leave for the past 6 months (SMP only) but I've still had to single handedly cover all our household outgoings whilst DH tries to sort out work.

I look after both our children full time, I do all the housework, I pay all the bills despite only having SMP, so I've gone through all my savings and I'm now getting in to debt myself. DH has now stated he's mentally unwell from the stress of being in debt, he's struggling with work but won't even consider finding an alternative job in the short term so we have a stable income, I'm also trying to job hunt but I've asked DH to be a SAHD if I can find a well paying job to help me get to work each day so I don't have to worry about looking after our children but he says he can't be at home. DH has now said he's finding the responsibility of having two children overwhelming! But I'm doing everything!

I don't want to insult anyone by saying I feel like a single parent but I really do. Financially, emotionally, our children, I literally do everything!

AIBU to say enough is enough? Obviously we have two really young children to consider.

OP, make sure you are receiving all the benefits you're entitled to. This will be much easier if you ltb and don't have to factor in whatever he earns as I'd bet my bottom dollar that his accounts are in a total mess.

Once he is gone and you are more settled financially, then start looking for a job.

I have a slightly different take on all this.

We were in a similar position when my eldest was 2, but for us it was DH who was made redundant from a well paid job, I was on maternity leave and then had PND so didn't go back. I also had some debt from the past too.

DH didn't blame me for this, nor I for his redundancy, however I did manage to look after the children, with support, while he became self employed and he did get a small redundancy payout. We also had a mortgage to pay.

It was hard, and very different to in the past, but with mental health you get a lot of blame from yourself, which possibly your husband is having just now. The GP wouldn't have diagnosed him if they didn't think he had a condition. Does he have some antidepressants to take?

If possible, it might be helpful to look at things objectively rather than one person taking the blame for things, stuff happens, and not saying he isn;t at fault in some ways for the debt, but I think marriage is 'in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for better or so worse'.

So if you think he deserves a chance, rather than splitting up, it may be possible to look at the overall situation and how to move forward. You could get some support from tax credits / universal credit, also there may be things like support with rent / housing benefit. You / he could look into something like Stepchange or Payplan to help with the debt (Payplan helped me, and as the debt was in my name only it hasn't affected his credit rating and mine was Ok a few years later).

We are ten years on from this and have had other family illness to deal with too, looking back the job situation was probably the lest of our worries.

I also feel with the debt, it is easy to accumulate when self employed if people don't pay etc, it may be business debt. In case this can be written off as a loss in his business, for tax credits purposes, what this means is that the future profit in a year is reduced by the loss, in case this helps any. An accountant might be able to help with this. Also, it may be he has not mentioned it because he meant to get it cleared, not through some kind of deception. The OP knows him best, I guess.

Definitely would go in your situation, you poor thing.

The person you have described sounds utterly awful. Why would you have stayed with someone like that for so long?

1. He does no household chores
2. He does no childcare
3. He provides nothing financially
4. He had 21K of debt and lied to you about it
5. He wants to go back home to mummy and daddy to get away from his family

So what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He clearly only wants to be treated like your 'child' and looked after without any responsibilities.

If the reason you're with him is because you love him, then I think you're in trouble.

Someone so inherently selfish as to think he doesn't need to equally provide for and care for his own children is never permanently going to change.

He's mentally ill. The OP knows him. I think it is a bit much people saying he's an awful person etc. How would it be if the mother had the mental illness would they get such a hard time? I notice a trend on MN for giving men a hard time...

He sounds such a self centred knob, I think he should go and stay with his parents permanently.

Bloody hell, what a shock.

You know him better than anyone, OP. People with depression often stick their heads in the sand when things start to go wrong and find themselves unable to address problems in a sensible way (I speak from experience). Being unable to face up to mounting debt is a classic example.

Imo, you have 2 choices: LTB or try and support him to get out of this mess. Which you choose depends very much how you feel about him, whether he's a good dad etc.

He needs to go bankrupt (unless the debts can be whittled down to under £20k, in which case he can get a debt relief order, which is much cheaper and quicker). CAB can help with this, and it is best done sooner, rather than later. If any of that debt is to HMRC, it needs to done asap as they are ruthless bastards and will make him bankrupt in the blink of an eye, and it ends up much more costly.

You also need to apply for housing benefit and council tax reduction, and he can go on ESA when your SMP ends.

Oh god, this was my ex. Except he hadn't run up any debt, thankfully and I never lost my job so we were at least financially secure. But finding responsibility "overwhelming" and needing to escape from everyday life - yep, it's wearing

Even without financial issues, I eventually got to the point where I just couldn't cope with being the only one to get on with life and take responsibility. It's clear looking back that he did have depression but tbh the reason didn't matter, I just couldn't do everything for me, DC and him.

I did feel horribly guilty when we split up because I felt I was abandoning someone who needed me, but when I hear now (many years on) how he is still losing jobs, being aimless, relying on others etc I just feel overwhelming relief that he's no longer my problem.

I found www.thecruxmovie.com/pdf/TheBridgeShortStory.pdf quite useful.

Gosh, what a stressful situation. I understand that depression and anxiety are horrible (I suffer from both) but it isn't merely a case of supporting him through this one blip is it? From your post it seems that you've shouldered most of the responsibilities for years and although I would remain supportive of anyone dealing with mental health problems, you also have to look after yourself. I don't think I could stay with anyone who concealed debt, let alone someone who offerer such little support.

Bin him. He doesn't care enough about you or the children. He sees himself as most important.

Its the lying that would get to me. My DH had PTSD and I suspect he has mild ASD. He didn't work for a number of years and needed a lot of support / was difficult to get along with. However, he did try to do a fair share of housework and childcare. Gradually, he took on more responsibility and did some self employed work. I am still the main breadwinner and he still does the bulk of the housework but we are both pulling in the same direction and taking responsibility for what ever we can.