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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't trust anyone to babysit my daughter.

21 replies

BembaNugget · 25/05/2017 09:39

Hi there!

I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant with my first child. Me and my partner have had the discussion about who we trust to babysit our unborn daughter.
There's only one problem: I don't trust anyone.

My mother is with a mentally abusive man who has been physically abusive towards me one one occasion and the house is in such a state I refuse to take her to my mothers house.
My father is an avid drinker.
My partners mother has a habit of taking drugs, which she said she will stop when our daughter is born, but I'm sceptical.
The only people I remotely trust is my partners Nan and Uncle.

I don't really trust anyone to look after my daughter, other than my fiancé and me. My fiancé says I need to relax a little more but I feel as if leaving her with anyone else is a bad idea!

OP posts:

Heirhelp · 25/05/2017 09:42

Give it time but there is no need to anyone else to look after your daughter. When she is older she can go to a childminder or nursery if you are happy with that.

My daughter is one and goes to nursery 3 days a week while I work but other than that we don't have anyone to look after her. I am planning on asking her key worker of she would do some baby sitting on the side.

ExPresidents · 25/05/2017 09:43

I wouldn't trust any of those people either. You don't need to though - you can pay a babysitter who has been recommended to you by other people, or booked through a professional agency. Or you might make friends with babies once your baby is born, and you could take turns babysitting for each other. You don't have to leave your DC with anyone you're not comfortable with and it's not about 'learning to relax' - do what you feel is right!

corythatwas · 25/05/2017 09:45

I had no family living nearby so the possibility of asking them never arose- like it won't for you, by the sounds of it. But what I did find was that having a baby made me new friends and that many of those were in the same boat. It was easy to see that they were reliable as I saw them with their own children and suddenly there was a pool of potential babysitters available. I never used them much due to dd's SN, but they were there.

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 25/05/2017 09:45

Why do you need to leave her? We didn't leave any of our 4 I think before 9/10 months. We either stopped in or took them with us.

If you need to work then you need a CM or a nursery both of which will be ofsted registered.

Relax tiny babies are very portable anyway and by the time yours is older you may well have a network of other mums who can sit for each other.

JigglyTuff · 25/05/2017 09:47

Give it time but you don't have to leave her with anyone you're related to. I have always used paid childcare professionals to care for my DC.

mollyminniemo · 25/05/2017 09:50

Register with an agency like sitters.co.uk- all their childminders are highly vetted and experienced- you can read lots of reviews and feel very secure they have -usually- decades of experience caring for children. I always leave the house with complete peace of mind when we use one of their lovely babysitters- never had a bad experience.

But when baby is that little you can take car seat with you into restaurants and go for odd meal out as baby will probably happily sleep besides you as you eat. Restaurants don't mind this.

FruitBadger · 25/05/2017 09:51

Given the descriptions YANBU to not want the people you have mentioned to babysit your daughter. See how things go though, when DS was a baby I would have only left him with close relative of family, now at 2.5 I'm happy to arrange for him to be babysat by people he knows well from Nursery. As he gets older I will probably be happy for friends' teenagers to babysit... but not yet!

araiwa · 25/05/2017 10:04

it is no problem at all not to trust anyone to take care of her

it will only cause problems for you

DeadGood · 25/05/2017 10:06

Yeah nobody would trust any of your relatives either, but why are you assuming that family are the only people you can leave your child with? You can pay people, you know, or leave them with friends or neighbour that you know and trust.

Tazerface · 25/05/2017 10:08

YANBU to not leave them with any of them. However there is no reason to be thinking about this now, you're still pregnant!

Lots of people don't leave their children with anyone until they are 2-3 and start nursery (I didn't, other than a couple of evenings for a meal).

Honestly don't sweat it now. It's not worth stressing about it. Tell your partner you're not thinking about it till the baby is at least six months because it's not relevant. If you change your mind before then, brilliant, you can arrange a pro babysitting or use the uncle you mentioned (or whatever).

Honestly don't worry.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/05/2017 10:12

There is no immediate need to leave her with anyone, so don't stress about it too much.

Thankfully, as with all due respect, they sound like a bunch of reprobates. I think your DH is way too lax.

Wixi · 25/05/2017 10:15

I don't see that there's a need to leave her with anyone. I have never left my 7 year old daughter with any family members. She went to nursery, pre-school and now school, along with Rainbows and Brownies and summer clubs, but not one on one with anyone other than hubby and myself.

Gillian1980 · 25/05/2017 10:19

Yanbu, they don't sound suitable.

I've only just started using family to babysit and dd is 21 months. Family are very much trusted but I didn't want or need to be apart from dd.

When you are ready for a babysitter, look for a professional one and get to know them about and watch them interacting with you LO before you decide to go out and leave them.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 25/05/2017 10:23

YANBU to not want to leave her with any of the people you mentioned!

Don't worry about it, we didn't for a while (no family nearby and very few friends) As they reached toddler stage I'd got to know some friends who had reliable sensible 15/16 yo daughters who love to babysit - we can go out and I know they'll ring me or their parents if there's a problem. While they are young they are portable - we took our babies out for meals while they were happy sleeping in a pushchair or car seat and when they needed to be at home in bed and we couldn't afford babysitters we had date night at home and either cooked a nice meal or had takeaway with a DVD.

NavyandWhite · 25/05/2017 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

putdownyourphone · 25/05/2017 10:32

You don't need to worry about this now at all, you may have a very long time before you feel ready for someone else to look after your child.

But, motherhood opens you up to a whole new world of friends and acquaintances. You may meet other mums who you trust who also need babysitters, then you can do an exchange with them. There are plenty of registered nannys/childminders out there who do babysitting on the side too. It doesn't have to be a relative.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/05/2017 10:33

As everyone above says!

The babysitting/childcare doesn't actually need to involve these family members at all from a practical point of view.

However- if what you actually mean is that your fiancé is going to push for you to leave your baby with alcoholics and drug-takers as he'll want baby to be spending time with eg his mum, or for you to be able to go out, because 'you need to relax' then yes, you have a problem. No you absolutely shouldn't be leaving your baby with any of them by the sound of it!

If this is the case, smile and say you don't agree but yes if he thinks you are being too careful then you're happy to have a word with the midwife and ask what's a reasonable level of concern re drink and drugs. My bet is that he'll shut up quick smart.

Onemorewonthurt · 25/05/2017 10:43

Why are you worrying about this now?

Could your mom not babysit alone at yours rather than at hers?

BlurryFace · 25/05/2017 11:07

Onemore, OP's mum assaulted her, and in any case she might well invite her partner around against OP's wishes - I've heard of that sort of thing before. And in any case, a house so bad you don't want your baby in it is a sign of poor mental state in my experience.

OP, don't stress too badly about it now. If there are a couple of people you "remotely" trust, then at least there's that in the mean time for any emergencies. There is every chance that if you go to mum and baby groups/activities you could find friends with children of their own to swap favours with.

RolandRat · 25/05/2017 12:33

I don't think you necessarily "don't trust anyone" as you've mentioned 2 people you would trust. You just don't trust these specific irresponsible people and rightfully so. I trust my parents and PIL as they are not abusive or addicts (as far as I know!), however my cousin is an alcoholic so I wouldn't allow her to babysit. That's logical and any other reaction would be neglect!

Oblomov17 · 25/05/2017 12:48

Do you work? Will you need childcare, at some point? What about an Agency Nanny or babysitter?

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