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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I treat DP like child?

75 replies

Queenofthestress · 25/05/2017 08:39

I've been umming and ahhing over posting this but here goes!
DP is 20 with aspergers, 2 DC - hes only the biodad to the eldest, we live separately (he physically can't cope with two kids, so that was the choice we made) he drinks often to the point of slurring his words which is normally half a bottle of whiskey and swears every two words in a sentence majority of the time

It came out into the open yesterday that he thinks that sometimes I treat him like I'm his mother and he thinks his own mother accepts him as he is (she doesn't btw)

I basically tell him - don't swear around the kids, don't drink around the kids, take your rubbish out & clean up after yourself (DC1 is suspected ASD and will eat/lick anything around) if he's been drinking the night before then spray bodyspray on himself because he stinks

I just replied that when you're a parent you grow up and not still act like a teenager, he needs to grow the fuck up

Aibu to have said that, and would it be unreasonable to say that he needs to go back to his for a couple days and think about whether he wants to actually put the kids first instead of swanning around like a 16 year old kid?

OP posts:
Mumchance · 25/05/2017 08:42

What on earth is in this relationship with an incapable, foul-mouthed, irresponsible alcoholic for you and your children????

Popskipiekin · 25/05/2017 08:47

Not sure what anyone is getting out of the connection with this manchild - the way you tell it, YANBU to treat him as you do but YABVVVU to keep him around your kids.

caffeinestream · 25/05/2017 08:47

What @Mumchance said. Why bother? Surely it'd be easier without such a waste of space in your lives?

splendide · 25/05/2017 08:50

It all sounds a bit dysfunctional at the moment. How old are the children? Did you split and now back together (as the younger one isn't his)? Do you actually want to be a couple?

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 25/05/2017 08:53

I am honestly thinking about it, I rang his mum after I took the eldest to school, she's so supportive of me I don't know what I'd do without her,
We've been together a couple of years, he wasn't like this until DC2 arrived 5 months ago,
we've had argument over argument about it, he keeps saying 'yeah I'm going AA' and 'I'm trying, I'm really trying' but now I just feel like saying 'trying isn't fucking good enough!'
guess I posted on here for bit of a handhold and a kick up the bum as usual!

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 25/05/2017 08:56

DC1 is nearly 4, we got together just before his second birthday, I do want to stay with him if he'd just get his act together because he can be lovely as seen in the first year and half of the relationship

OP posts:
splendide · 25/05/2017 08:56

OK so if the eldest is at school then he was 15 (14?) when he fathered her. Are you older than him?

PatriciaHolm · 25/05/2017 08:57

Did you actually mean he's 20?

He's a essentially still a slightly overgrown teenage alcoholic who doesn't sound even remotely father material.

acquiescence · 25/05/2017 08:57

Where is dc2s dad? How old are the kids and how old was he when he fathered dc1 if he is only 20 now? Sounds very dysfunctional s what do you get out of this relationship? Men in their 20s are just out of puberty and often still very childlike, it sounds like this is the case with this man so yanbu. Yabu to be in a relationship with someone who drinks and behaves badly around your children.

acquiescence · 25/05/2017 08:58

Or do you actually mean he is father to dc2 and not dc1?

splendide · 25/05/2017 08:58

Oh hang on - you meant he's the dad to the youngest I presume? Sorry I should have realised that was a typo - ignore my last post!

Does he think he'll ever be able to live with you as a family? I think if he doesn't that that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 25/05/2017 08:59

He's not dc1's dad (dc1 will be 4 in october) but he's dc2's dad (she's 5 months, very unexpected pregnancy as dc1 kicked me and broke the implant whilst it was still in my arm, damn sole plated shoes)

Sorry, it's a bit confusing!

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 25/05/2017 08:59

I'm assuming you meant he's the father of the youngest. He's way way too immature to be anyone's partner, let alone a parent. "can't cope with 2 kids" - well thats jolly convenient for him isn't it? What choice do you have?

Send him back to mummy, if she'll have him (if she has any sense she won't)

Kokusai · 25/05/2017 09:00

Dude, you can do better.

Bluebeedee · 25/05/2017 09:01

I'm Confused, so you weren't together when you had dc1 but he's the father?

Bluebeedee · 25/05/2017 09:02

Ah gotcha

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 25/05/2017 09:03

He's not dc1's father, just dc2
His mum won't take him, she's already said!

OP posts:
ToastDemon · 25/05/2017 09:04

Not a suitable person to have around your children.
Move on from him, and maybe stop having babies for a while until you can pick your partners more discerningly.

Smeaton · 25/05/2017 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluebeedee · 25/05/2017 09:05

You're better off without him. He's not helping, you say he should spray body spray if he's been drinking the night before but why would you want him around your kids?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 25/05/2017 09:06

It sounds like he behaves like a child so that is how you treat him

If he is contributing nothing in the way of practical, emotional or financial support then he isn't really your 'partner'

Get rid

Footle · 25/05/2017 09:07

off topic, but body spray is not a substitute for soap and water.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 25/05/2017 09:07

Walk away for your own emotional health and that of your children. They don't need to be exposed to an alcoholic who refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour.

HildaOg · 25/05/2017 09:08

You call his mother to involve her in your relationship with him. It's not a normal, adult partnership.

lalalalyra · 25/05/2017 09:10

"He wasn't like this until DC2 was born"

Which bits only started 5 months ago?