Do I treat DP like child?

[Queenofthestress]

I've been umming and ahhing over posting this but here goes!
DP is 20 with aspergers, 2 DC - hes only the biodad to the eldest, we live separately (he physically can't cope with two kids, so that was the choice we made) he drinks often to the point of slurring his words which is normally half a bottle of whiskey and swears every two words in a sentence majority of the time

It came out into the open yesterday that he thinks that sometimes I treat him like I'm his mother and he thinks his own mother accepts him as he is (she doesn't btw)

I basically tell him - don't swear around the kids, don't drink around the kids, take your rubbish out & clean up after yourself (DC1 is suspected ASD and will eat/lick anything around) if he's been drinking the night before then spray bodyspray on himself because he stinks

I just replied that when you're a parent you grow up and not still act like a teenager, he needs to grow the fuck up

Aibu to have said that, and would it be unreasonable to say that he needs to go back to his for a couple days and think about whether he wants to actually put the kids first instead of swanning around like a 16 year old kid?

It's not what you haven't done, nothing was going to suddenly make an immature teen with autism into a fully functioning, responsible adult parent. Especially as he isn't interested in trying either.

Based on your previous thread and this one, I think you know what the answer is.

Get his stuff out of your home. Change the locks and move on in your life. If you really expect this bloke to suddenly step up and be a parent then I suspect you're going to be very disappointed.
Stop being the parent to a manchild you didn't give birth to.

but I'm waking up so to speak and going 'fuck, what the hell have I got myself into, I don't want this for the kids, not by a bloody long shot!'

So up til then you thought a teenage alcoholic with autism was a great idea for co parenting?

He was great with your dc 1 as ultimately the responsibility was yours as he wasn't the df. .

Send him packing. .

NotISaidTheWalrus like I said, he did everything a dad does with DC1 before DC2 was born, didn't drink, didn't swear, he was coping great and a great dad
Justmadeperfectflapjacks I think you've hit the nail on the head with that, wasn't the df so no responsibility

He wasn't anyones dad. He was a teenager with a complex condition.

You're trying to heap a lot of blame on him but you do not come out of this mess well.

OP I think you know in your heart you are probably better off on your own, he doesn't really bring anything to yours or your children's lives and it will be better for them now than once they have seen the drinking and his over behaviours, still obviously let him see the DC but I think supervised is the way to go and by the sounds of it his mum is aware and could be good to supervise the contact

This isn't your fault OP. And it may well not be his fault...to a point. However I can't see what you get from it other than stress, so respectfully I would call it quits.

thank fuck you haven't bought a house together.

Worse that they had a child.

What is with having children like they're just nothing?

This relationship sounds a complete nightmare, and once again innocent children are going to be affected negatively by their parents choice of partners.

Is he capable of being totally independent? Aspergers like all of autism is huge and can be slightly to severely debilitating.

He is a high functioning aspergers, he's fully capable of living on his own and functioning in society
And no, I didn't have my children like they're were nothing so if you would be kind enough to not imply that I'd appreciate it thanks, I had dc2 in what was a full functional relationship

You've forced a barely adult male with a complex disability into a situation he doesn't have the coping skills to deal with - He wasn't forced ... stop infantalizing him, he's a grown man FFS! Yes he has aspergers but does that mean that ALL people who have aspergers shouldn't have kids? that any people with aspergers who have children should be assumed to have been forced into that situation? I find your post very insulting to people who have aspergers actually!

Semi

Since it wasn't a planned pregnancy in a long term relationship with a mature adult I fail to see your point

I have children with a high functioning aspie who was in a mature relationship married and able to deal with a planned and wanted pregnancy

If either of my teens or their friends were in this position I would be high concerned about their coping abilities

frankly an unplanned pregnancy at this stage in any relationship and as a teen in a neuro typical person would be worrying but in a vulnerable individual I would be highly concerned, he is quite clearly not coping!

And I'm not infantisising him, as conception occurred when he was a teenager it's a heck of a load of a very young mans shoulders especially as he would legally be classed as vulnerable

where is no 1 Dad in all this?

DC1's dad hasn't been involved since he pushed me during pregnancy to make me miscarry, since then DC2's dad has been my first serious relationship where they've actually met and been involved in DC1

*try make me miscarry

Worse that they had a child

Yes, but that can't be helped now.

It's not that you treat him like a child. More that you treat him like a project. You aren't going to be able to fix him.

This is the same guy that doesn't give you any money, instead spending it on computer games which he insists on storing at your house, yes? And now it turns out that he's also a heavy drinker.

The aspie thing is almost irrelevant. It might explain a tiny bit why he is how he is, but you still have to deal with the end result. You don't get a prize for putting up with him.

Do you even think he loves you? Has he said what he loves about you? Because it sounds like you're just the person who puts up with his shit the most.

Assburgers you know how on the other thread I said our other issues are a whole other kettle of fish - well this is the other issues!

You know the answer already to this OP, but I can see why you need the reassurance of hearing the opinions of others who are not emotionally engaged.

He needs to move back to his. You have enough to do with two small children, right now he is nothing but a hindrance.

He needs to keep his games etc. at his place. You says he's moved them out, don't let them back in.

"The main thing I took away from the argument yesterday was that he said he thinks he can act how he wants and that I should support him because thats who he is"
Well, he's wrong. You have no need to support someone who has turned themselves into an arsewipe. He's not the man he was, if he bumps into him send him round, but the man you are right now can just bugger off. Byeee!

Do not accept this claptrap. Give not one inch. He has somewhere to go, get him out ASAP.

Ah

What's stopping you from splitting up with him?

I suppose it's a combination of the kids and hoping beyond hope that somewhere inside him is the same person I started the relationship with

If he is still inside, then he needs to stop drinking. Until then, he's nothing but a drain on you and the children. And for the children's sake, he needs to be gone.

I think his mum may think you are great as you are now taking care of him. Its a weight of her shoulders. And im sure it wasnt fun bringing him up