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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I treat DP like child?

75 replies

Queenofthestress · 25/05/2017 08:39

I've been umming and ahhing over posting this but here goes!
DP is 20 with aspergers, 2 DC - hes only the biodad to the eldest, we live separately (he physically can't cope with two kids, so that was the choice we made) he drinks often to the point of slurring his words which is normally half a bottle of whiskey and swears every two words in a sentence majority of the time

It came out into the open yesterday that he thinks that sometimes I treat him like I'm his mother and he thinks his own mother accepts him as he is (she doesn't btw)

I basically tell him - don't swear around the kids, don't drink around the kids, take your rubbish out & clean up after yourself (DC1 is suspected ASD and will eat/lick anything around) if he's been drinking the night before then spray bodyspray on himself because he stinks

I just replied that when you're a parent you grow up and not still act like a teenager, he needs to grow the fuck up

Aibu to have said that, and would it be unreasonable to say that he needs to go back to his for a couple days and think about whether he wants to actually put the kids first instead of swanning around like a 16 year old kid?

OP posts:
LozzaChops101 · 25/05/2017 09:12

Sounds grim

What do you get out of this relationship?

PatriciaHolm · 25/05/2017 09:12

For the first years and a half of your relationship he wasn't a parent, and clearly had no plans to become one. He didn't live with you and DC1, so was a footloose and fancy free teenager who was probably quite fun after the slog of single parenthood for you.

Now real life has set in, you have a baby and he's not in the least prepared to man up and deal with that. Its not what he wants or cares about. He just wants the single drinking life and you've become boring old grown up.

You can do so so much better than this little boy.

RhiWrites · 25/05/2017 09:15

Oh god he's so young and so dysfunctional and he already has a kid. He's not a fit parent. Your rules are the bare minimum.

He says "I'm going AA" but he doesn't actually go, does he? How is he a partner to you?

jamrock · 25/05/2017 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadLad · 25/05/2017 09:17

Usual advice is to get rid of him and thank fuck you haven't bought a house together.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/05/2017 09:19

He's not a partner. He's a dysfunctional child. Would grandma continue to be supportive if you ended your relationship?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 25/05/2017 09:20

Mm 2 dc and a teenager. .

If you do sound like his dm then at least one of you can parent. . . He is no role model for your dc and no partner for you if he isn't even there when he should be!!
Is his dm a good support because she knows she has enabled him to be a man child? If she is a genuine woman then you are lucky to have her. Send him sofa surfing with his mates. I doubt you will miss him. .

WomblingThree · 25/05/2017 09:20

A couple of weeks ago it was extreme hoarding, last week he was swearing in front of your child, now he's an alcoholic. What have your children done to deserve being subjected to this shit?

What exactly is this man child bringing to yours and your childrens' lives. Why don't you do the sensible thing, get rid of him, and think a bit more carefully about who you choose to father your next child.

ColourfulOrangex · 25/05/2017 09:22

I think you would be better off without him, you are basically a single parent anyway

KungFuEric · 25/05/2017 09:24

I'm sorry but he's behaving like a teenager because he practically is one. That's cant be a shock to you can it? Or were you expecting him to suddenly grow up because you gave birth to his child? Because that's pretty much number one in the book of dodgy men, they don't get better with the emergence of screaming baby grenades in their lives, they get a lot worse.

How old are you?

SemiNormal · 25/05/2017 09:24

OP don't just walk away from him... RUN! Then don't look back. EVER. If he wants contact then supervised so you can be sure there are witnesses if he is drunk. You deserve better and your children deserve better. Who knows he may kick the drinking, he's still young and has a chance to do so but don't stand on the sidelines waiting for that to happen. Life is short. A year soon turns into ten and you'll wonder where your 20s went and regret the time you wasted parenting your own two children with this lump of a man-child in tow.

Liiinoo · 25/05/2017 09:25

Assuming everything you say is true he is a pretty shit babydaddy , not a partner. He is physically and verbally abusive. I am not going to say LTB because you are not 'with him' in any real sense.

It is bad enough that you had a child with this loser (who is in no way fit to be a good dad) but it would be even worse to keep him around while you nag him to change. Involve the CSA so you get money for your child, allow him safe access to the child if he wants it but don't waste your time trying to make him into the partner you want him to be. He is not that person and at the moment he doesn't want to be that person.

If you can maintain a good relationship with his mum that will be good for her and her grandson but don't stay with this abusive loser because of her. Remember children learn what they live - everyday you put up with his shit your DC are absorbing the message that it is ok for men to behave that way.

RandomMess · 25/05/2017 09:25

He's an alcoholic, sure date him a couple of nights per week if you want to but I'd end it completely.

He isn't going to change unless he wants to, he isn't good to have around the DC...

Coastalcommand · 25/05/2017 09:28

He needs to get his drinking sorted but you can't help with that. Leave him. He may sort himself out, or he may not. But you don't want a foul mouthed drunk around your children.

nannybeach · 25/05/2017 09:31

How old are you, are you saying DP didnt start drinking till you had your baby together? I think you need to focus on your kids and yourself, walk away from this relationship. he aint gonna change. I married what I thought was a quiet sensitive guy (pregnant) he didnt drink, got very drunk one night told me he was gay, tried to kill me once, stayed in battered wives refuse, police not interested in "domestics" in those days He was always "sorry" for the violence! I found out he was in a young offenders institution for trying to kill his Father, (hushed uo by middle class family) Tried to kill me again, he was a psychopath. Staying nearly got me killed, dont waste your life.

Floggingmolly · 25/05/2017 09:32

Dear God... He can't cope with two children so you chose to have two children anyway and live apart?? Anyone with two braincells would have seen this coming Hmm

rightwhine · 25/05/2017 09:32

Yes you do treat him like a child - and so you should as he is acting like a child.
Whatever you do please put your children first. Always have at the back of your mind. "What effect will this have on the children?" And do whatever you need to do to protect those same children even if it means leaving him.
Can you do some reading about healthy relationships?

gandalf456 · 25/05/2017 09:37

He's only young and it's compounded by his condition. It doesn't sound as if it's going to get much better so it's all about damage limitation. I don't think it's even worth arguing with him. If it needs explaining why it's wrong, I still don't think he'll get it. Obviously, he's your DC's father so he has to have some input (though I'd not be happy about that even with the level of drinking) but I'd not be wanting a relationship with someone like that.

MoominFlaps · 25/05/2017 09:38

Are you also very young?

I wouldn't have had a child with him tbh.

ColourfulOrangex · 25/05/2017 09:42

From previous posts I think the OP was 22

NotISaidTheWalrus · 25/05/2017 09:44

He IS a kid though. You had a baby with a teenage alcoholic with Aspergers......honestly what the hell did you think that was going to look like?

Split, and both of you do some growing up (how old are you anyway?). And for the love of god don't repeat the whole thing.

Schroedingerscatagain · 25/05/2017 09:59

Hi op

I've read your previous threads, essentially you had a child without planning with a vulnerable child!

He was 18/19 when you got pregnant by accident and chose to continue the pregnancy

I have a lot of experience of autism, DH and both my dc are on the spectrum and I've worked with these vulnerable people

What did you expect? He would suddenly grow up and turn into a strong coping mature man?

You've forced a barely adult male with a complex disability into a situation he doesn't have the coping skills to deal with

Look how he's coping, clue is he isn't!

He's drinking to excess, displaying poor behaviour and making bad decisions oh and the classic aspie trait, avoiding dealing with things

You can't change him, he's drinking to cope with the situation you imposed on him, essentially he's still a teenager

You need to accept the situation, be the adult and parent your children as he won't be able to

And just a final thought, if your oldest dc is on the spectrum how would you feel in 14 years time if a single mum came along and put your vulnerable child into the role you've cast this young man in?

1stTimeMama · 25/05/2017 10:08

I remember your post about him hoarding computers and games in your house. He was moving into his own place, but didn't want to take his stuff as he didn't want anyone stealing it, but was ok with you living with that risk. And now this!

You don't sound like you're getting anything out of this 'relationship', and neither are your children. Did he not and up getting his own place?

I think I'd be getting out to be honest.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 25/05/2017 10:13

ColouredOrange got it right, I'm 22
He honestly was okay with DC1, did everything he should like playing, did tea, took him out, bathed him, put him to bed, changed nappies, everything a dad does
Dc2 was born, it was one drink, then two, and it progressed from there, just like the hoarding old games & consoles did just one, then two, now Ive made him move it to his place because it was taking up loads of room, he slowly stopped doing things with the kids

it's all been a slow progression into what Ive posted about today, but I'm waking up so to speak and going 'fuck, what the hell have I got myself into, I don't want this for the kids, not by a bloody long shot!'

The main thing I took away from the argument yesterday was that he said he thinks he can act how he wants and that I should support him because thats who he is Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 25/05/2017 10:22

All the way through the pregnancy I talked to him about coping, double, triple checking that this is what he wanted and he'd be able to cope because I needed to know, explaining that it would be different to DC1, I thought I'd done everything I could in supporting him for the new addition but I've obviously not done enough

OP posts: