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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH he can't go to FA Cup Final on Saturday due to security risk?

100 replies

Bronzehorse · 24/05/2017 11:20

I've never stopped him from doing anything he wanted to do and was happy for him when he was invited to go.

But I can barely breathe at the thought of him going on Saturday. I know people will say that we shouldn't be beaten and carry on with our lives, but right now, this week, with the upgraded critical risk of "imminent attacks" is it really worth taking the risk of going to what will be a huge "Hugh profile" gathering of people?

I've asked him not to go. AIBU to insist? Yes his life, his risk, but we have a young family and he is my world.

OP posts:
Mulledwine1 · 24/05/2017 12:05

YABvU. Nothing is going to happen. It has happened already, sadly, on Monday.

In a few weeks the risk may increase again but despite the threat level being increased, it will be safer for the next few days than at any other time since the couple of weeks after 7/7 I guess because everyone will be very vigilant.

He is more likely to be killed in a car accident than a terrorist attack.

SeaLionsOnMyShirt · 24/05/2017 12:05

YABU. I've just told DH to be careful and not get pissed
I understand your fears though OP. But you can't tell him not to go.

GaelicSiog · 24/05/2017 12:06

I think this weekend is the safest time to go, honestly. Security will be on high alert.

KungFuEric · 24/05/2017 12:06

I think it might help you to frame how unreasonable you are being. How would you feel if you heard a friends husband refused to let his wife go on a night out drinking, because statistically it's a more risky environment for a woman to be in?

Shoxfordian · 24/05/2017 12:07

Yeah you're being completely unreasonable and you can't stop him going because of this.

Dulcimena · 24/05/2017 12:07

Oh to answer the AIBU - you're not BU to be concerned; you would BU to ask him not to go.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/05/2017 12:07

I understand your worries OP. My DH is going to London on Saturday, to Twickenham, for some big deal of a Rugby game and I'm quietly anxious. He's going with my dad and my FIL so it's a lot of people that matter to me.

Me and DH have a son and I'm 28 weeks pregnant and I have fleeting thoughts of what would happen to us if my DH was injured/killed.

I know the risk is absolutely tiny but that doesn't mean I'm not on edge a little - I imagine a very high proportion of the population are suffering with worries about who/where will be targeted next.

I spoke to my DH last night about feeling anxious about them all heading to Twickenham and he does understand. I would never ask him not to go but it was nice just to have him understand that I feel a bit nervous.

CantChoose · 24/05/2017 12:09

Mine is too. And I'm worried. I know I shouldn't be and I'm not normally anxious either. I won't ask him not to go but I'm very tempted. You have my sympathies.

Ginkypig · 24/05/2017 12:11

Look the reality is if we leave the house we could be caught up in something but but that is really unlikely but by not leaving the house we also could have a household accident, that means we are at risk of death 24 hours a day?

so do we live life like we are about to die by hiding under the bed and hoping it doesn't fall on us (household accident)

or get on with life and if we're caught up in something anything (car accident, terrorist attack, fire, mugging etc) hope we have the luck and can be calm enough to come out of it without being too hurt?

My point, you can be as careful as you want but if life decides your due something it'll find you so why be too scared to live until it does! Just hope that when it does you have the luck and the opportunity to get through it.

ArcheryAnnie · 24/05/2017 12:11

YABU, although your anxiety is understandable.

There is a risk of another incident. There is always the risk of another incident. That your DH will be anywhere near whatever the next incident is infinitesimal. (Which doesn't in any way lessen the awful pain for the families of the tiny number of people who are killed in these horrible circumstances.)

Your DH is at much greater risk coming onto the motorway from a slip road. You know you'd be unreasonable in asking him never to go on a motorway again.

Ask him to check in every so often. When he's there, lose yourself in something - a good film, an absorbing book, anything that takes up all your attention. Try not to worry.

Original poster
Bronzehorse · 24/05/2017 12:12

Thanks I needed a virtual slap but also someone to understand why I feel this way.

I know that I sound like a psycho wife, I'm honestly not.

I will tell him to have a great time as I always do and try to keep distracted until he is home.

I know security will be better than usual. Don't think it helped to hear the security expert on This Morning specifically mentioning the Cup Final as high risk.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 24/05/2017 12:12

The threat level is not going to drop for years. Get used to it. Anyone who likes big events is at no greater risk than last week, we just know about it now.

I8toys · 24/05/2017 12:12

My son is on a school trip to London. He went yesterday morning and went to a theatre show last night. He has been at the Houses of Parliament this morning and is walking around Westminster and Buckingham Palace. I am nervous and won't truly be happy until he is home tomorrow. Security will be the highest it has ever been. He should go.

YoloSwaggins · 24/05/2017 12:17

YABVVVVVVU.

brasty · 24/05/2017 12:18

The terrorists pick crowds where there is lax security. So in the arena the terrorist detonated in the public foyer as people were coming out. Not inside where he would have to go through security checks. I really don't think somewhere like this would be targeted. It will be somewhere with crowds and no security.

WashBasketsAreUs · 24/05/2017 12:21

I'm not sure how old you are, but at the risk of sounding like a golden oldie, it was exactly the same when the IRA bombing campaigns were at their height.
When we moved back to the UK in '75 and ended up living in an army town, bomb threats were an ever present issue. In fact, a huge car bomb had been discovered in our town shortly before we moved here. I'm sure I don't need to remind people about the many atrocities that occurred, many at random places you wouldn't expect. We don't know how many incidents that didn't happen because of successful intelligence but I expect there were many.
I can understand you feeling how you do and in no way are you unreasonable to worry. Are you unreasonable to ask him not to go? Tricky one.
I have a friend who's son was killed in a terrorist attack on a plane (Malaysian flight) a few years ago. Do I not fly anywhere? I do, but I still worry. My daughter, who also knows the lady in question, gets very stressed about flying for the same reason but she still does it.
Whatever you do I hope you are ok.

laylabelle · 24/05/2017 12:21

Like said yabu and can't stop him going but can understand your worry but at the same time the security there will be super tight.

Going Chelsea trophy parade on Sunday and tbh this hadn't crossed my mind or will be in the back of my mine. Something planned to do and still gana do it.

Greycat11 · 24/05/2017 12:22

I'd ask him again and explain your concerns (which ANU) but not insist. It's a you can do. Security will be very tight.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 24/05/2017 12:25

Your DH? An adult?

I appreciate those who post their threads - should my DC go to school/should I go to London? Should I go to the FA cup final are filled with anxiety. I think it is quite insensitive to those who HAVE to go to school, those who live and work in London every day, those who will be working at the FA cup final.

I certainly don't say that to make people feel bad, but perhaps they could think a little about others too?

Goingtobeawesome · 24/05/2017 12:27

I've just started a thread in the news topic as a man has been arrested with a knife near Buckingham Palace and my dh and DD are due to go to London on Saturday. I feel I should leave it up to DD if she goes and I get all the you can't let them win, etc but if you're burying your loved one it's no consolation you carried on with plans.

RhythmAndStealth · 24/05/2017 12:28

I understand how you feel. YABU to tell him he can't go- he's an adult, he can make his own decisions. But YWNBU to express how scared you feel about it and let him factor that into his decision.

I'm about to do the latter with DH re Scottish Cup Final. Literally abou t to phone him. I thought about saying something after the Manchester atrocity, but decided against it. The level being raised to Critical though has made me reconsider, and not lightly.

mumeeee · 24/05/2017 12:28

YABU. There will be high security at the game and he will be fine. I understand your anxiety though

Changebagsandgladrags · 24/05/2017 12:29

I can understand your feelings, I really can. We're going to a concert in a couple of weeks and I'm nervous.

I think he should take sensible precautions.

He shouldn't hang around outside the ground anywhere. Go the turnstile and get into the ground promptly. Bag checking will be strict, it's the outside areas that are harder to protect.

Know the route home and the alternatives. Just in case one of the options is closed off.

Stay in the ground until after the final whistle and cup presentation even if he's on the losing side.

Security will be really tight, so be prepared for searches.

jamrock · 24/05/2017 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 24/05/2017 12:37

Dh is also going to the cup final with both of our sons. I am also worried but certainly not to the extent that I'd even ask them to not go as if they'd agree . So YABU but I get it.

Unfortunately this is our new landscape and we have to somehow learn to live with it.