To tell DH he can't go to FA Cup Final on Saturday due to security risk?

[Bronzehorse]

I've never stopped him from doing anything he wanted to do and was happy for him when he was invited to go.

But I can barely breathe at the thought of him going on Saturday. I know people will say that we shouldn't be beaten and carry on with our lives, but right now, this week, with the upgraded critical risk of "imminent attacks" is it really worth taking the risk of going to what will be a huge "Hugh profile" gathering of people?

I've asked him not to go. AIBU to insist? Yes his life, his risk, but we have a young family and he is my world.

Let him go.

The next few weeks are likely to be the safest times to visit such events as security will be massively increased

It depends whether he is an Arsenal fan or a Chelsea fan!

No really YABU.

It is his decision to make.

My personal view is that we should carry on as normal, as I did during the IRA attacks in London when I worked there and as I will on Monday when I go to Wembley myself for the Championship Playoff Finals.

You know he has more chance of winning the lottery don't you?

I should have said "ask him not to go" rather than "tell him"

Not very anxious generally quite laid back and I know we need to get on with normal life etc. It's just this particular event I'm worried about.

I know it's irrational and I sound needy but I'm really not. I always support him in anything he wants to do.

Which is why I'm confused about my feelings and asked for MN views as you're always so direct!

You're being completely irrational and letting your so called anxiety become a controlling spouse.

Poor sod, let him go.

I think now is probably the safest time to go to any event! You can't stop him going and you need to try and deal with your anxiety about it.

YABU (but I understand your worry).

All major events for the foreseeable future will be so heavily policed - even more so that the FA Cup Final usually is. There may even be an Army presence, as apparently 5000 Army personnel will be on duty in cities across the country from today.

Terror attacks are most "successful" for the terrorists when nobody is expecting it. For example, had Monday's atrocity been expected members of the public would not have been allowed anywhere near the foyer even.

I actually think that major events will probably be more safe this weekend due to the enhanced levels of security. No less safe than shopping in Birmingham, sightseeing in Edinburgh etc. etc. Terrorists look for an opportunity to cause the most devastation, a stadium swarming with police & Army will not offer them that.

I'd feel the same as you and I'd probably ask my DH not to go.
However, I know he'd try to reason with me and allay my fears,
but ultimately he would go.
YABU to insist. However, I understand your anxiety because I'm the same, maybe not to the point of not being able to breathe though.

I've learned to make myself busy through anxious episodes.
It's only for a few hours. I know that's easy for me to say, but with practice it can be done.

Right now the risk is no greater than it was right before the Manchester incident- probably a good deal less due to renewed vigilance. And you have no idea how great the risk is going to be next week or next month or in 18 months time. Chances are, the risk is at its greatest when everybody has relaxed a bit and started to breathe. And almost certainly greater somewhere that is not at a football arena. So how long are you going to live like this? You can't really, can you?

If my husband 'told' me I couldn't do something, he'd be told to go fuck himself.

In the nicest possible way: pull yourself together. The place will be swarming with police on Saturday.

There are countries in the world where bombs and attacks are an everyday occurrence. People have to leave their homes for bare essentials like food and water, and don't have the luxury of catching a game in a stadium...because there isn't one.
Your husband is in a country where attacks like this are very very rare. Many more terrorist attacks are intercepted before they happen thanks to our brilliant intelligence.

Your husband is lucky he can still enjoy a football match. Imagine what wives of men in war torn countries feel like everyday.

I understand that you're worried, I am too. However, I'm consoling myself with the fact that the security will be HIGH, very HIGH. They'll probably be safer there than most other places this weekend.

If you're having problems breathing, sit yourself down, close your eyes and take some long deep breaths in though your nose and out through your mouth. When you feel you have your breathing back under control, think about your DH going to the match whilst concentrating still on long deep breaths. Visualise your DH going to the match. Visualise the security measures they'll have in place. Visualise him going into the stadium and the match taking place. Visualise him leaving and coming home safely to you.
Hopefully this will help to calm you. It will be hard seeing him go off on Saturday but you can take heart in your courage and bravery in not giving in to the terrorists.

I personally would be avoiding potential targets like that, even though it's very unlikely that they would get hit.

Security is so high that a attack it unlikely to succeed.

My DH is going. Hadn't even occurred to me to suggest he shouldn't. We have a young family too.

Security will be so tight, and the odds are so minimal, I refuse to get agitated about it.

I'd have thought there would be next to no chance of a football match being targeted.

Apart from it not really being the sort of thing terrorists go for, the police are so hot on rooting out hooligans and banning alcohol that no bombers are likely to get through.

Except football matches are exactly the sort of event that terrorists have targeted. A Champions League match was targeted in April, where a player from Borussia Dortmund was injured. In November 2015 there was an explosion at Stade de France, and a game between Germany and Holland was called off because they had intelligence that made it a threat.

You're right in saying that security at these events is shit hot, so fortunately nothing major came of these examples, but just pointing out that you can't say they aren't really "the sort of thing terrorists go for".

YABU, OP. Chances are he'll be fine - though I understand your worry.

I have every sympathy for the anxiety you are feeling but I am afraid YABU.
I have a ticket for the match and nothing (short of obvious things like serious family illness) would stop me from going to watch my team in a Cup Final.
I know my DW is a little concerned but she understands that my enthusiasm for my team far outweighs any security concerns.
Also, to endorse what PPs have written, a) if we give in to that fear, the bad guys win and b) with the extra security it will probably be the safest match ever.

I sympathise OP but yes you would be massively unreasonable to do that.

I think even asking him not to go would be unreasonable.

Rationally, the chances of him being harmed are very very infinitessimally small and he is probably more likely to be hurt on the journey there.

Even if there is a bomb at the match, which is unlikely considering all the security measures that will be in place and even if it is the worst ever tragedy of this type and 1000 people are killed or injured, which is many times more than all the other suicide bomber events, there is a 99% chance that he will survive unscathed.

YANBU to worry about it, we all do. But we need to carry on and trust the authorities on this, who are doing more and know more than we could all ever imagine. They have stopped dozens of attempted bombings and other atrocities since 911/Madrid/London 7/7 and very few people know about it unless they are within the security services or prisons and courts that have dealt with the offenders.

The next few weeks are likely to be the safest times to visit such events as security will be massively increased

Absolutely. And, as others have said, he will be far, far more at risk in the car on the way there. Your perception of risk has - understandably in the light of the awful news - been irrationally skewed.

I think I need you to tell me I'm being completely unreasonable so I can get a grip on my emotions.

You're being completely unreasonable. There you go.

I do understand your emotions. I worry for friends and family too. But you can't tell him what to do, and you should focus on the fact the risk is infinitesimal. There will be a huge security presence.

It's horrible isn't it op.

As someone who suffers with severe anxiety and has medication following a trauma with my dd please don't project your anxieties onto your family and that's very very hard.

He will go and you just try and relax or do something nice that time. Turn off all social media and the tv. Yoga is helpful even trying to do the moves takes your mind off thinking dark thoughts.

I understand your concerns. Fear and worry are perfectly reasonable reactions to what's happened this week. My DH is going to a different London event this weekend too, not the football but another big gathering. I am anxious about it too.

BUT as others have already posted, security will be incredibly tight everywhere, people will be extra-vigilant, and statistically it's still extremely unlikely. I'm sure they'll both be ok. Deep breaths.

It's horrible isn't it op.

As someone who suffers with severe anxiety and has medication following a trauma with my dd please don't project your anxieties onto your family and that's very very hard.

He will go and you just try and relax or do something nice that time. Turn off all social media and the tv. Yoga is helpful even trying to do the moves takes your mind off thinking dark thoughts.