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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this neglectful or just shit parenting? Or fine?

92 replies

NickyNickname123 · 22/05/2017 20:21

I have name changed.
Single parent to 11 year old DS.
DS is in year 7.
DS gets up, gets own breakfast, makes his lunch, makes lunch for parent.
Parent leaves the house at 7am.
DS gets self ready, goes to school.
Comes home, parent home some days 7, some days 6.
DS expected to feed self, parent doesn't get much food in but says DS can make pasta or toast.

DS gets money from grandparents for school lunch - 8 months into school term parent suddenly asks if they are having school meals - hasn't thought to check until now.

Parent has now decided to take up a new hobby for the next 8 weeks - involving being out of the house from 8-11pm three nights per week.

Parent never cleans or tidies, when DS asks for help he is shouted at or sent to his room.

Neglectful? Or just shit parenting?

OP posts:

ShakingAndShocked · 22/05/2017 22:01

Got you. Again my apologies.

Does your Ex parent the child alone or does the other bio parent have PR/is present?

SouthWestmom · 22/05/2017 22:03

My Y4 and Y7 kids make their own lunches. Obviously I buy food (weekly shop) and include pack up items.

My Y7 kid come home alone and is on his own until I get in at 6. Then I make dinner.

Some of this stuff is normal.

If you are not really involved and just guessing from a distance I'd be wary of getting it wrong.

Original poster

NickyNickname123 · 22/05/2017 22:03

Argh.

Fine.

Sorry for the drip feed.

I know so much because I am the step parent. We split up three years ago. I have a 5 YO DD with other parent.

We are in court currently. Other parent has supervised access to DD (Via grandparents) due to relationship history.

Cafcass due to visit next month prior to final hearing in August.

I wanted to post anonymously so I could check whether my fears for DD were magnifying the concerns for DS.

OP posts:

Xenophile · 22/05/2017 22:07

OP, if you're unable to physically be there for this kid, are you able to offer emotional support to him? Can you speak to the grandparents and try to get them to understand how damaging their collusion is?

reuset · 22/05/2017 22:12

It sounds a bit worrying, OP.

reuset · 22/05/2017 22:13

Sorry, I'm just commenting on the OP

Pallisers · 22/05/2017 22:14

I think it sounds neglectful and shit.

Do you have any relationship with the grandparents? Could you talk to them about it. It sounds like a cold, lonely and unsupported childhood.

Spero · 22/05/2017 22:16

I don't think you are magnifying your fears. This sounds a horrible situation for an 11year old - it isn't just about being left to toughen up and make his own pasta, its about all the implications of emotional neglect that you describe.

I assume this child had a relationship with you and now has not seen you for some time because of the actions of the other parent. that will also have an emotional impact.

i think you have to be very clear with CAFCASS about what is going on; they will refer it if they think its serious enough. I am not sure if it would cross the significant harm threshold into care proceedings but some adult somewhere needs to be looking out for this child.

ShakingAndShocked · 22/05/2017 22:17

Will any access for you to see (Ex step) DS be covered in Court/being looked at by CAFCASS? It's not common but equally it's not unheard of, especially when there are siblings in the mix and ESP if the now Ex-Step was previously living with/parenting that child.

It sounds shit OP, I would have to do something. Would the GPs not think of applying for guardianship if all really is as bad as it sounds (IE actual evidence that could be invoked in Court?)

And again, you will not out yourself! I know when you're the one 'in it' it feels like thread could only be about you, but in truth the same stories are being played out over and over.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 22/05/2017 22:21

It's perfectly reasonable for a year 7 to make lunch for a parent, make meal and make their own breakfast.

Just how messy is the house? Are we talking cat poo smeared on the floor and mouldy mattresses without bedding or general mess that could be totally cleared up in a couple of hours? Either way the boy shouldn't be shouted at for wanting a bit of help cleaning up.

Also what time does the child arrive home? If it's 5.30, then 6 or 7 isn't so bad. Its normal to leave a year 7 alone for a couple of hours.

However there should be food in the house and the child needs to receive some quality time regularly.

CheeseQueen · 22/05/2017 22:32

I have name changed. Single parent to 11 year old DS. DS is in year 7.
DS gets up, gets own breakfast, makes his lunch, makes lunch for parent. leaves the house at 7am. DS gets self ready, goes to school. Comes home, parent home some days 7, some days 6. DS expected to feed self, parent doesn't get much food in but says DS can make pasta or toast. DS gets money from grandparents for school lunch - 8 months into school term parent suddenly asks if they are having school meals - hasn't thought to check until now.Parent has now decided to take up a new hobby for the next 8 weeks - involving being out of the house from 8-11pm three nights per week. Parent never cleans or tidies, when DS asks for help he is shouted at or sent to his room. Neglectful? Or just shit parenting?

So you're not the parent, then? So how do you know all this happens such as the parent never cleans and is always shouting?
I was with you on the first few lines. At 11, you should be able to get up and get your own breakfast sorted out and dressed ready for school.
Maybe even make packed lunches.
Parent not in after school and not having much food in if true is not good. I could never do that. What time are the parents getting in? As you don't say.
If it's half an hour or so after school,that's not too bad. Late into the evening though, no.
I'm mum to a high school child and one about to start, but I'm a SAHM so always here. If you're at work though I can see if you're at high school then you may have to let yourself in and be by yourself for an hour or so.

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 22:54

Cheese did you not read the full thread? OP clearly says what time the parent gets in AND why OP knows so much.

TheSparrowhawk · 22/05/2017 22:57

Hang on a second. Does this parent hold the key to a nuclear bomb or summat? Why is everyone so afraid of him/her?

CheeseQueen · 22/05/2017 23:07

Parent has now decided to take up a new hobby for the next 8 weeks - involving being out of the house from 8-11pm three nights per week

Sorry, just clocked this bit. No. Absolutely no way acceptable at the age of 11.

TheNoseyProject · 22/05/2017 23:20

This is absolutely neglect - very clearly so in recent safeguarding training I did where example of normal patent leaving child to get own dinner from take away several nights and hours with no supervision was neglect.

Have you seen new campaign? Might have good effect for poor child with ss? tacklechildabuse.campaign.gov.uk

CheeseQueen · 22/05/2017 23:47

AND why OP knows so much.

To be fair, that was slotted into page four of the thread. Not the original post.

user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 01:41

Cheese yes...you're meant to read the thread before commenting because in the many posts made after an OP, more details come to light.

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