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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if I'm a bad mum :(

88 replies

Squtternutbosch · 22/05/2017 19:27

I'm a single mum of a 6 month old boy. I love him to the ends of the earth but I'm really struggling and it's making me feel like a terrible mother.

His dad is away at the moment and I've been by myself with my son since Saturday morning. He's been sick since last weekend, although he seems to be on the mend, and he's being so difficult. He is weepy and clingy, he's awake every 2 hours through the night, it takes an hour to get him to sleep, I can't put him down without him screaming. He has this really high pitched scream which just goes on and on and on until I pick him up. This evening, after an hour of getting him to sleep only for him to wake up and scream as soon as I put him down, I caught myself snapping "for fucks sake, DS" as I picked him up out of his crib, more roughly than I should have done (but not dangerously, I should clarify). And I feel terrible about it.

I am massively sleep deprived. I have cabin fever. I am frustrated and weepy and lonely. I have no family around and very few friends.

I feel like I'm being a rubbish mum. I am living for the times when he sleeps and not enjoying the times he's awake because I'm stressing and trying to get all my housework done, get his lunch made, and generally worrying about him. He's usually such a happy, smiley little boy that it's really unusual and unsettling for him to be like this.

We are not spending quality time together, we are just existing one day to the next, and I feel like I am letting him down. My beautiful, beloved son. I feel awful :(

AIBU and a rubbish mum??

OP posts:

JessiCake · 22/05/2017 20:13

Sorry OP, me again - jsut wanted to add that although I know you're trying to overcompensate and 'do it all' (and I get that), your DS honestly won't suffer, at this stage, for NOT getting the organic homemade puree that mostly ends up on the walls anyway instead of some hastily-assembled toast fingers and a mashed-up banana or avocado.

Food, as MN wisely told me back then, is 'for fun until they're one.' So though it's lovely that you're blending and whizzing and steaming etc, it HONESTLY isn't neccessary under the circumstances. Far far better for you to be (a bit more) rested and less stressed to the eyeballs, and give him a ripe banana and a spoon to muck about with. or even an Ella's pouch every now and then

Seriously, that will be better for him in the long (and even medium and arguably even short-term) run than you running yourself into the ground to give him amazing fresh food.

Good luck OP, thinking about you!

happyhebe · 22/05/2017 20:14

Totally normal, don't beat yourself up about it.

stopmoaningpip · 22/05/2017 20:14

I'm really hoping you're not trying to vacuum and dust every single day as well as dealing with clingy poorly baby!
Unless you are living with 10 hairy German Shepherds then once a week is more than enough and it is not going to hurt anyone if you don't dust the picture frames for a few weeks...
He does not need any specific development activities at 6 months old - just talk to him and take him out and about. Mine loved going to the supermarket at that age and I'm sure he got just as much out of that as any number of baby yoga/massage/musical classes etc (have nothing against these classes if mum enjoys them but think they're a bit of a waste of money myself).

Please don't be so hard on yourself, I'm sure you're doing a great job (don't think I did any dusting for a good year so you're definitely doing better than I did and I'm married).

podstick · 22/05/2017 20:17

Don't worry, it's really hard with any baby, especially if you are the only one there and baby is going through a tough patch. Don't underestimate the power of sleep deprivation either, DD1 slept very little and needed feeding every 1-2 hours for months and I remember sitting bfeeding her once and dropping off whilst feeding her. When I startled awake I looked down and instead of seeing DD1 in her white babygro thought I had a maggot attached to me, I nearly threw her down to the floor in shock, fortunately I didn't but never forgot that feeling. You aren't a bad mum, you are a human being and don't forget you have needs too, it's easy to forget yourself when you have a baby but it's really important to look after yourself.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression eventually and got help for that - not saying you have this by the way. If you have any family who can give you a hand don't feel bad for asking, even if it's just to give you an hour to yourself. You would be surprised how much difference even a short time to yourself can make.

JessiCake · 22/05/2017 20:17

Yeah I didn't co-sleep with DD until 7 months because like you I was terrified of squashing her (even though I actually dropped off holding her once, in my bed, which was way more dangerous...)

I cracked at 7 months and just hauled her in with me. Never looked back. It wasn't a cure-all but it helped. I just couldn't face too many more nights sitting next to her cot and then creeping away inevitably waking her after an hour of getting her to GO BACK TO SLEEP...

fwiw he's a bigger baby now, if that helps your anxiety. If you want to co-sleep again, just do it safely (as I'm sure you would) - ditch the pillows, maybe wear layers yourself so he can be in a sleeping bag and you can't ditch the duvet? It's totally down to how you feel about it. But it saved my sanity, after the first night when I was literally up all night too scared to go to sleep in case I squashed her...!!

DissonantInterval · 22/05/2017 20:18

You are so not a bad mum. A well baby is exhausting enough. A sick one is incredibly exhausting and stressful. Day and night just blur into one long miserable blob and you get caught up in the whole depressing atmosphere of it all. It absolutely does feel like an existence not living when you're in the middle of this. Really hope you are both feeling brighter soon and that when the people who are away come back, they can give you a bit of time to yourself.

JessiCake · 22/05/2017 20:18

You CAN ditch the duvet, my post shoudl have said - sorry

KitKat1985 · 22/05/2017 20:31

You're normal honestly. I've got a toddler and a 6 month old and I utter 'for fucks sake' to myself about 10 times a day as they seem to take it in turns to do my head in throughout the day.

jarhead123 · 22/05/2017 20:37

I've been there. You're not rubbish, you're human. xxxx

sadsquid · 22/05/2017 20:40

Oh god, sod perfect. No one is and you'll break yourself trying. I muttered 'go fuck yourself and the horse you rode in on' at my toddler yesterday. I definitely swore at both babies in the middle of the night. They drain you and then some. It's OK. Safe and fed is sometimes all you manage and that's fine.

My mum confessed that once when I was teething she had to put me down screaming in my cot at the top of the house and hide in the basement to get a break from the noise, or else she was scared she would have shaken me. I understand how she felt completely. It's bloody hard.

Garlicansapphire · 22/05/2017 20:42

Oh god my first child was a nightmare sleeper and I felt very depressed and dragged down. I thought I'd be overwhelmed by love but actually I just felt overwhelmed and hated the first 6 - 9 months - though I couldn't have said that. I felt terrible and disappointed - I'd always so wanted to be a mother and thought it would be much easier and more - well natural - than it felt.

Annie's advice is spot on. I always got out every day, walking, walking round parks and off to the shops - often with a screaming child in the buggy. It was absolutely ingrained - I cant really spend all day in the house to this day. And the good news is that my DD - who was such a screamer - is now a really lovely, chilled and kind teenager, and we are so close. So it doesn't mean a thing if the first part of your life together is tough - you do bond and it does get so much easier.

Be kind to yourself though. There's no olympic medal for house cleaning, organic pureeing. Just do what you can right now to get by and be very, very generous to yourself. A nice coffee, fresh air, sit on sunny benches, have some nice food for you, make some other mum friends so you can hang out and break up the day, spread out the shopping to give yourself errands, notice the flowers, the sunshine. It will get better... xxxx

mycheeksarerosy · 22/05/2017 20:46

You are definitely normal. I felt similar today after a very stressful supermarket shop with a teething DD. It got to the point of her sat on the floor crying, a bag of shopping over spilled on the floor, me crying and a kind lady coming to help me.

TatianaLarina · 22/05/2017 20:49

Ear plugs. Not for when you're sleeping, or you won't hear him wake, but put them when you go into his room when he's screaming his head off.

mogonfoxnight · 22/05/2017 20:51

Not sure if anyone has said this, but try going for a walk with a babybjorn - most babies just love the bobbing around while so close to you - they can face in or out. Supermarket trips were always happy!

I always found dc the most irritating just before they were ill, which made me feel incredibly guilty once I found out the reason.

Xenophile · 22/05/2017 20:55

You're not a bad mum.

At 6 months "all fed and none dead" is absolutely the best way of regarding your days.

I will add my voice to the crowd saying how important it is for you to get out of the house every day is. Especially if you have suffered from depression before. I used to take my non-sleeping DS out in his pram every day, and chatter away to him about what we could see and hear. Being out of the house for at least an hour a day while you walk and take time to smell the roses will do you a power of good.

PeaFaceMcgee · 22/05/2017 20:59

You're doing just fine OP, and this will pass

I've had a bad cold this week and been bloody awful to everyone myself, and I'm 40

Pollaidh · 22/05/2017 21:05

It gets easier, honestly.

I remember about that stage looking at DD in the middle of the night and thinking: "Oh my god, I've given birth to Voldemort." In my sleep deprived state she did look remarkably like Voldemort in his Kings Cross stage. On another occasion around the same stage I found myself rocking her a little too hard, at which point I realised it was time to step away and take a breather.

Try to get outside every day. Cheat as much as possible - during an illness especially some age-suitable TV isn't going to harm them (try the 'Sing and Sign DVDs for example, alternatively BBC news has people talking and they seem to like watching the faces).

Buy some pre-made food, it's fine and in fact it's good to get them used to alternatives because if you find yourself in a long traffic jam or something one day, you don't want a kid who can smell and reject packaged baby food a mile off. Just take some of the pressure off yourself.

Don't go mad cleaning - once a week will do for loos and kitchens, and in extremis you can probably get away with leaving bedrooms etc for longer - as long as the area the baby sits/rolls is clear.

yaela123 · 22/05/2017 21:10

The fact that you are posting this shows that you care and therefore are not a rubbish mum

It's tough but you'll get there. I'm pretty sure almost every mum on the planet has felt like this at some point. It's not forever and it does get easier (I'm not just saying that!)

Mrsmadevans · 22/05/2017 21:11

Sounds like he is teething op
Bonjela
Ashton's teething powders
Calpol
sorted
you are not a bad person my dear good luck

jamdonut · 22/05/2017 21:13

I sometimes marvel how mine have all reached adulthood ( well nearly - DS2 is 17) somehow unscathed. I certainly didn't get them there by trying to be perfect. Do the bare essentials. Catch up with the rest when you have time.
Seriously, we have all been there . It must be doubly worse if you are on your own. As someone else said, you can't be a bad mother if you are actually worrying about it...if you couldn't care less - that's a bad mother.

Crabbitstick · 22/05/2017 21:16

Please stop hoovering and dusting every day! You do not need to compensate for being a single parent.
Co-sleeping save my sanity and if you can bf lying down it's a godsend.
It might be worth getting ears checked again. We had a few occasions of being told no infection
then a few days later burst eardrums.
No harm in pouches, porridge, mashed fruit etc. for a few days.
You need to look after yourself too and not put yourself under such pressure.
Take care, you're doing great.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 22/05/2017 21:16

I've done similar. You're human, parenting is hard, single parenting even harder...sleep deprivation fucking horrendous. Go easy on yourself for you. Hope things get better soon.

yaela123 · 22/05/2017 21:19

If you think saying "for fucks sake" is bad, when DD was about that age I once screamed "fuck off! Bloody hell just shut the fuck up for once" at the top of my voice. I'm pretty sure the neighbours must have heard

Then I had a good cry, made myself a cuppa, called my DSis and had a good cry at her, made another cuppa and got on with life.

DD is still alive

furryelephant · 22/05/2017 21:26

I could have written your exact post, right down to swearing and picking up not as gently as I should (I even wrote a thread last night about losing my patience!) It is such hard work and completely relentless so I think it is so normal to lose it every now and then. What matters is that you DO still pick them up and love them regardless. You're not a shit mum, just a very very normal one who's obviously doing their best being a parent is hard enough without doing it by yourself too. Every single wake up and sleepless night we've done by ourselves and that's pretty impressive I think! If you ever need to rant to someone in a similar position feel free

lionheart · 22/05/2017 21:33

Don't be so harsh on yourself.

It can be a tough job and sleep deprivation does things to you.

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