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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if I'm a bad mum :(

88 replies

Squtternutbosch · 22/05/2017 19:27

I'm a single mum of a 6 month old boy. I love him to the ends of the earth but I'm really struggling and it's making me feel like a terrible mother.

His dad is away at the moment and I've been by myself with my son since Saturday morning. He's been sick since last weekend, although he seems to be on the mend, and he's being so difficult. He is weepy and clingy, he's awake every 2 hours through the night, it takes an hour to get him to sleep, I can't put him down without him screaming. He has this really high pitched scream which just goes on and on and on until I pick him up. This evening, after an hour of getting him to sleep only for him to wake up and scream as soon as I put him down, I caught myself snapping "for fucks sake, DS" as I picked him up out of his crib, more roughly than I should have done (but not dangerously, I should clarify). And I feel terrible about it.

I am massively sleep deprived. I have cabin fever. I am frustrated and weepy and lonely. I have no family around and very few friends.

I feel like I'm being a rubbish mum. I am living for the times when he sleeps and not enjoying the times he's awake because I'm stressing and trying to get all my housework done, get his lunch made, and generally worrying about him. He's usually such a happy, smiley little boy that it's really unusual and unsettling for him to be like this.

We are not spending quality time together, we are just existing one day to the next, and I feel like I am letting him down. My beautiful, beloved son. I feel awful :(

AIBU and a rubbish mum??

OP posts:

Funnyonion17 · 22/05/2017 19:47

Normal when at the end of your tether. As mother's we should try to keep thos moments minimal but they happen. Have you any relatives that could give you a break?

Brandnewstart · 22/05/2017 19:47

At did this too at the same age, I basically growled 'shut the fuck up' then immediately felt like the most awful mother on the planet. I saved my sanit by joining as many baby activities as possible - we had surestart so a lot were free. On the other hand, the house was like a jumble sale

harderandharder2breathe · 22/05/2017 19:49

Definitely not a rubbish mum! Just an exhausted one in a difficult situation.

Top tip: if you're worried you're a bad mum you're not, the bad mums wouldn't care enough to worry

BonjourMeDarlin · 22/05/2017 19:50

We have all been there - if you haven't then you will be sooner or later.
Motherhood isn't cheesy quotes on Pinterest it's hard sometimes.
Forget about it now, tomorrow is another day

LoudestRoar · 22/05/2017 19:51

If you were a shit mum, you wouldn't be on here worrying that you're a shit mum.

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 22/05/2017 19:51

Yes have definitely been there and the main reason was sleep deprivation. I survived, so did baby. Try to go out for a walk with him in the fresh air every day, sounds simple but it really does calm you and baby. You will get through this, really and truly, and the funny and sweet times will happen again. Wishing you all the best.

f83mx · 22/05/2017 19:52

We've all been there - many times over! my only advice would be try not to worry about the housework etc - it doesn't matter if the house is a tip use the napping sleep times to sleep yourself or at least rest up if you can't nap well

Mumzypopz · 22/05/2017 19:52

Is it worth taking him back to your GP for another check? If he's still all blocked up with cold, could you try a bit of menthol in his room. Blocked ears can be very painful when they lie down.

CaveMum · 22/05/2017 19:53

I could have written the exact same post 3 years ago with my DD except that my DH had just been posted to Afghanistan for 6 months, leaving me with a 10 week old. The loneliness and lack of nearby family support, plus not feeling like you are enjoying your baby - yup, been there.

Everyone has already said, you are a great mum. A rubbish mum wouldn't care that she'd shouted at her DC or feel guilty for not "doing their best".

It does get easier, not quickly but gradually you will find your stride, your DS will become more "interesting" and you have great times ahead.

If it didn't get easier (or we didn't get better at it) no one would have more than 1 child. I'm currently eating my dinner with 5 week old DS strapped to my chest in a sling. It's tough going with a newborn and a toddler and yes I've cried and doubted myself a lot these last few weeks, but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep on keeping on.

Crumbs1 · 22/05/2017 19:53

Wise advice from Annianon. Put him in his buggy and go for a long walk, let him scream whilst you shower and wash your hair, warm bath for him in the evening.
Agree dishes and rubbish as priorities and rest can wait.
Lots of Calpol.
Have you a neighbour or friend who would give you an hours respite?

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 22/05/2017 19:56

I did similar this morning when DD decided 5am was time to get up. You are very tired and human. p

Elllicam · 22/05/2017 19:56

You are not a rubbish mum, it is so hard when they won't sleep and scream at you. Have you tried co-sleeping? My 4 month old literally wakes up within minutes of being put down but will sleep through next to me. He smells of armpit in the morning but at least I get a sleep

Marmalade85 · 22/05/2017 19:57

OP I really feel for you. I became a single mum when my son was 8m and was working full time and being harassed by ex. Been totally on my own since last August and it's bloody tough and relentless and especially hard when they're ill. I find myself raising my voice and feel terrible

JessiCake · 22/05/2017 19:58

OP I could have written your post word for word (just substituting DD for DS)

I did exactly the same as you once, grabbed her up out of the cot too roughly and kind of hissed 'just go to FUCKING sleep' :(

She was about 7 months old and I hadn't managed to get more than 3 hours sleep in a stretch since she'd been born (for reasons too boring to go into, DH couldn't do ANY night-time baby-care.)

She too would take about 90 mins to get back to sleep, then would wake again about 90 mins later.

I was beyond the end of my tether.

I still feel awful about that occasion but honestly, in the grand scheme of all the terrible thins we all do, wittingyl and unwittingly, as parents, it's the most teeny of blips.

And I'm an awesome mum so I absolutetly KNOW that you're one too. Like me, you're on here posting about it so it's not like you're so detached that you don't even care. Not that it would matter if you were, frankly, as it's a one-off and you're under a lot of stress. Sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture, you do know?

I don't have much advice - we had a few months more of hellish sleep and then I cracked and got a sleep consultant to help me with gradual withdrawal. It massively helped but I think things would just have got better on their own. I'm sure they will for you and DS too.

Give yourself a) less of a hard time and b) a pat on the back. oh and c) some nice wine.

My only advice, really, would be to get to bed as early as you possibly can yourself (I used to go to bed at 8.30pm, sod the housework for a bit and sod the social life - it'll all come back eventually) and to remember that IT WILL GET BETTER. It really will. I wouldn't lie to you, having been there.

MN was really my saviour at that time. Have you tried the sleep boards? Huge source of support and advice.

Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up. My DD, whom I hissed that awful thing at, is the most cuddly, affectionate child, not afraid to tell me her opinion on everything, not REMOTELY scared of me (which was what I was worried about) and just generally (Fearsome 4's aside) a well-adjusted, sweet, happy girl. You haven't broken your DS. He'll be ace.

octoberfarm · 22/05/2017 19:58

Oh OP, the fact you even posted this just shows how far from being a bad Mum you are It sounds like a horribly tiring, stressful week and you're doing an amazing job handling so much of this on your own. Do you have the option of asking a friend to come over for a few hours so you can get a nap, or maybe (depending on your situation of course) asking your son's Dad to do the bedtime routine so that you can feed and then sleep for a few straight hours and get some rest? It's the sleep deprivation that's the kicker. At six months I was on my knees after a series of bugs we had going around (and that was with help) but things really started to pick up sleep wise shortly after, he went back to his lovely self, and we both went from surviving to enjoying our days together again.

Thinking of you, and remember that a) your little one won't remember any of this, just all the love you give him the rest of the time and b) you're only human, and you're doing so well, so don't be too hard on yourself

Sophia1984 · 22/05/2017 19:59

Totally normal. Not for everyone, but as you've said you're breastfeeding, and assuming you don't smoke have you considered safe co-sleeping/bedsharing? It saved my sanity when 10 mo DS was going through sleep regression. Hardly have to wake up to feed him and he settles back down straight after. www.isisonline.org.uk/hcp/where_babies_sleep/parents_bed/how_parents_bedshare/

Original poster

Squtternutbosch · 22/05/2017 19:59

You lot are amazing, thank you so much.

I love the idea of sticking to basic food, being clean, and getting fresh air. I'm probably guilty of over-compensating for the fact that his parents aren't together, by trying to be perfect. Fresh organic vegetables and protein, steamed and pureed, laundry, vacuuming, dishes, dusting and so on done every day, as well as getting out in the buggy (or sling), play time, books and "development" (urgh). I have always managed to shower, I think pretty much every day since he was born, as that's a major priority for me (I'm prone to a bit of depression and well, clean body, clean mind) but only give DS a bath twice a week as he has very dry skin and it's Drs orders. We do love bath time, though :).

I am now in bed. Going right back to "when baby sleeps, I sleep". Tomorrow is a new day, etc. Thank you all so very much. Each and every one of you deserves

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 22/05/2017 20:02

Would BLW be a bit easier? Then you could just give him little bit of your food.

I feel incredibly worn out and my son is two and isn't sick.

JessiCake · 22/05/2017 20:02

Oh oh, and if nobody has already said - is he, quite possibly, TEETHING?

Prime age for it to start, unless I'm misremembering (was so sleep deprived I don't remember much...)?

It will make him grotty and miserable and clingy and frankly a nightmare, if he's anything like my DD. And it may disturb his sleep, even if he was a good slepper previously.

Worth a thought? If so - calpol when you feel it's necc and some teething granules? And a MASSIVE gin for you...? My DD was the worst teether I've ever known. But we survived it. You will too, I promise x

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/05/2017 20:05

You're a great Mum, just over tired that's all.
Also you are nourishing your baby, by breast feeding, which is brilliant, but does take it out of you.
If you get the chance of a good old power nap, take it, you'll recharge your batteries. 😄
Remember, you're a Mummy, that makes you a very special person, it's never easy, but it's worth it ! 🌺

Marmalade85 · 22/05/2017 20:05

And don't worry about the housework, it'll still be there in the morning. Just get some sleep Off to bed soon myself as my son has been up since 4.45am and I've worked a full day.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/05/2017 20:08

Yes, yes, yes to getting out. It doesn't matter to where, just be outdoors.

JaneEyre70 · 22/05/2017 20:08

There is a very good reason that sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture!! You are going through a phase and I promise you it will pass. My eldest was the worst sleeper and I had many a day where I could have put her in the wheelie bin and walked away....but I didn't. You will look back and remember these days when he's a teenager and won't get out of bed......... .

As others have mentioned, teething is a real possibility. My youngest grandaughter is 7 months and has been grotty for weeks....then last tuesday 2 bottom teeth had appeared!! My DD swears by teething granules, calpol and gin....for her, obviously. Do the basics around the house, get out with the pram and enjoy a change of scene for both of you. You will come out the other side, honest .

LittleWingSoul · 22/05/2017 20:12

I probably mutter "ffs (insert name of DC)" under my breath at least once a day, 8 years on from having a 6mo baby! The first time you feel that frustration towards your innocent child, I remember, you feel awful. But you are only human! You are doing an amazing job keeping it all together under the circumstances... I think the very fact you are posting shows you are very much not a bad mum!!!

Original poster

Squtternutbosch · 22/05/2017 20:12

Oh yeah, definitely teething on top of everything. It's been going on for months!

We used to co-sleep but I never really got much sleep because I was always so scared of squashing him. Now he can (and LOVES to) roll over and over, and has started sleeping on his side, I'd be even more scared!

It's so reassuring to see I'm not alone.

Oh, and no, I don't really have anyone who can come and relieve me. Actually I do have a couple of people but they are both away at the moment!

OP posts:

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