DH and his emotionless crap

[mumto2two]

Am feeling so upset about this, so I'm sorry if I ramble.
DH has always had issues with communication, emotional or otherwise, and nearly 2 years ago I discovered he had been having an affair with a much younger work colleague, for over 18 months.
Our DD has multiple health issues and while we had been in and out of hospital, he was often away on business, having a whale of a time with her. He had been distant for years and I had tried so hard to understand, and when he started going out frequently after work, he would snap that he was doing something for himself for a change, seeing his 'friends' and he was entitled to. He treated me awfully, and it broke my heart to see him act so cruelly. The excuse he gave me when I discovered who his 'friends' really were, was that he assumed I just knew anyway !
His emotionlessness can be startling sometimes, and I know his controlling mother has played a big part towards the issues he has.
Much as it hurt, we decided to try again for the sake of our family, and he seemed such a broken man. We vowed to make it work, and things have ticked along since. We have not once mentioned this woman again, and she left the company soon after. However, I am still frustrated by his lack of emotional connection, and not just with me, I mean with everyone, and everything. He doesn't keep in touch with people, never sees friends, has no hobbies, does no exercise or sport, has no interest in our home and the state it has become, and I feel like I am the proverbial nag, anytime I try to broach it. And of course it upsets me, that the only person he seems to have made any effort with in all our time together, has been her. He suddenly seemed more energetic and alive, but of course, we all know why.
His job is stressful and he works long days, so his excuse is always that he has no time, but of course he did make time for her..and in fact, a lot of time.
This situation has rumbled along for some time, and the straw that seems to be breaking the camels back is this...
Our eldest daughter needed to arrange a week's work experience for 6th form, and it was booked at his company 4 months ago, due to start in a week. As it's over an hours drive, she would travel in and out with him. Last night in conversation, he suddenly remembered he had to be abroad with work that week, and she would have to find her own way or cancel her work experience. The only way she can get there, would involve a 45 min bus ride and 2 trains and would take her 2.5 hours at least.
He just shrugged and said there was nothing he could do. And he thinks I am being ridiculous for being upset. What's even more infuriating, is that he has known for sometime, and true to past communication form, failed to tell us. DD is so upset, and DH simply hung up on me and is refusing to answer my calls. He is sick of me and my nagging and then went on to say that he was being viewed as unreliable at work because of all the times our younger DD has been in hospital...
I'm just sat here reeling, and I can't even speak to him because once he decides he doesn't want to communicate, then that is it. He simply cuts you off.
Feel so low about everything, I know his work is more important, but it's the lack of communication and his attitude towards it that is hard to take. What do others think?
I'm sorry for the long ramble..

The day before I discovered the affair, our beloved pet was killed, and he discovered it lying on the road outside our house when exiting his late night taxi after seeing her. He rang me on the way to work the following morning having said nothing before. He had put it in our outdoor bin and could not understand our distress at hearing that.

I will have to leave this thread now. He sounds like a psychopath. You are an absolute mug staying with him.

Op - the more you write the more you must see that this is not a situation that you can stay in long term.

stop making excuses for him. lots of people have horrible, controlling upbringings and they don't turn out like this.

of course his daughters love their daddy. everyone who has ever left their partner could probably say this.

but all of this, long term is absolutely no good for you is it. you must see this.

FWIW I bet he is either involved with someone new at work, wants to be or has taken up with the previous woman again. he was desperate to not let your DD come into work so instead of telling you when he booked the trip he has waited until as late as possible to put you back where he wants you - in the position of having no choice.

look at what you give to this relationship? look at what he gives?

he is never ever going to change. no matter what you say or do or your children say or do. you are his housekeeper and child minder - an employee - not a wife in an equal partnership.

of course leaving isn't an easy option but he has so sucked the life out of you that you think its a harder option than staying. well it isn't.

short term - sort your DD out a taxi and tell him he is paying. no discussion end of its sorted. tell him calmly then walk away. you cannot let her down not with her Work experience.

then go and see a solicitor. talk it through with them in terms of what you will get out of this relationship if you leave.

don't just walk out or throw him out, get your ducks in a row.

His behaviour now is not your fault. but if you stay and it all carries on and gets worse then sorry but there are options which you are then choosing not to take.

how much worse does it have to get than this, really? do you have a best friend or family member you can confide in and get support from? don't keep settling, eventually the life will be so sucked out of you that you just wont have the mental strength to move on. do it now whilst you are still angry at what he has done. use everyone around you to give you as much support in RL as you need.

Perhaps some of us mentioned sociopathic or narcissistic traits because we have had the misfortune of experiencing an extremely abusive relationship with such a person. I certainly don't need to read someone else's thoughts in order to form my own opinion based on what an OP writes. No one can diagnose a person on the internet, but we can throw out suggestions for further exploration by the OP.

Bringing into the house and wailing hysterically isn't going to bring it back. It's dead.

Oh wow, I didn't know that! We all thought it could be brought back from the dead via some hysterical wailing. That's where we have all been going wrong.

Most people I know put the body wrapped in a towel in a shed or garage until they can either bury it or take it to be cremated.

He sounds awful and you're kidding yourself if you think you're doing your kids any favours by staying with him. You're just teaching them that it's ok to treat people like shit and that women are just mugs. And they can feel all the tension and how little they mean to their own father.

After the pet story I would have kicked him out. Awful.
Everything that unfolded afterwards just confirms what an arsehole he is. LTB.

"It's ridiculous that everybody here is trying to diagnose a man they never met as a sociopath. It seems on these threads that one or two people say something and then everybody repeats.

He sounds repressed because he was raised in an environment where self expression was severely punished. Growing up with that severely affects your ability to process emotions and communicate. It doesn't make you evil."

HildaOg, do you think all sociopaths are "evil"? You know that sociopaths exist, right? They're not just fictional supervillains? They are actually real, living people who walk among us?

It's perfectly possible that the OP's partner is a sociopath. There are more people with this condition than you seem to realise. People are suggesting it because the OP may not have considered it. To put a pet into a bin, and not mention it until the next day, is not normal behaviour. (Your response to that was abnormal too, by the way.) It goes beyond "hmm he's a bit of a dick" and into "this person doesn't know how to act within societal norms" territory. Therefore it's perfectly reasonable to suggest possible reasons for that.

It's not going to help the OP in diagnosing her DH. What is clear is that he is no friend, comrade or ally. In staying with him you will perpetuate the myth that women must be goddesses on Earth while all men have to do is exist and they will be pandered to.

Please start making plants for a DH -free future.

I think you know this is over. You said you both decided to try again. You are. He is not. Time to be happy and move on. What does your daughter see when she looks at her parents? How will this affect her view of relationships? You have reached the end of a long road and it is time for a new direction.

He is such a bad role model for your DDs. Utterly damaging to grow up around this person and to see you turn yourself inside out. Do not underestimate what they see, hear and sense. They deserve security and safety - not just physically / materially.

Do not let your oldest daughter down over this work experience. Do you have a local childminder / nanny who can take youngest to school each day and pick up. You sound to me as if you are giving up. Consider the task the first of many you achieve in leaving him.

I would go off to a hotel near the work with your daughter so she can do the work experience or find some form of transport. And yes, your H should be fixing this.

Mid term, please LTB. You will receive financial support as you've sacrificed your career to care for your sick child. He is employed so won't be able to hide his earnings.

Is it possible that he doesn't want your DD to do work experience at his place of work as he's worried about what she might hear about him when she's there?

He sounds exactly like my ex. I stayed, I was miserable, thankfully he left me for another "office harlot" last year. I wish he'd done it earlier.

Have to admit it has made me terribly sad to see the 'outsider's view' on all this. Our situation all seems very confusing at times. He does have a side that for the most part, is very caring and kind. And I do know he has always been well liked in that regard. Things were good for quite a few years, apart from the one major issue being his mother. He basically adopted the same 'avoid communication' stance throughout all her domineering interference, and it drove a relentless wedge between us. Her long haul visits were a particular issue. On one occasion, she announced she was coming for 6 weeks, and not having the balls to say anything to either of us, simply went out to work one morning at 6am, and arrived back with her in the back of his car from the airport!
That is what he does. Sticks his head in the hand and tries to ignore what's happening.
Then I lost a baby at 5 months, and had a harrowing few months, during which his mother topped the insensitive mil of all time league, and phoned on the day he was due, to ask if we could buy some nice monsoon clothes for his sister, who she excitedly announced, was now 5 weeks pregnant. And he simply replied...er ok. OK!! Needless to say, it was another slow driven wedge.
I know a lot has happened, but it's hard to say it is just nastiness at the core. I do believe it's the tactics he has evolved to emotionally avoid. His mother is one of these outwardly 'loving' people, but in reality, her coldness is chilling. Even my eldest daughter picked up on it when she was 7, and has always disliked her intently. I know it sounds like looking for excuses, but I find it hard to correlate the warm kind person that I have known, and do sometimes still see, with the emotional detachment and avoidance, that can be so cruel.
He genuinely does not see that either. Regarding our pet, he said he was upset, but simply didn't know what to do at the time. He had spent the night listening to ultimatums from 'her', and said he felt a bit overwhelmed. He does not cry or show emotion. When his beloved Dad passed away, he shed not one tear, which I have always found odd.
And when his oldest uni friend died from cancer..again, no tears. I did think he might even have been suffering from depression.
Who knows what the issues are deep down, but I do know he would benefit from some form of counselling.
As for the work experience issue, he has arranged for a colleague to take her, and she will get a half hour taxi ride to their house each morning. It's not ideal, but at least it's still happening. My anger on that morning left him in no doubt that he needed to sort something out, and although her work experience may not have been important to him, it most certainly was to her, and to me. Let's see how it goes. Thank you for all your thoughts on this ..has been much appreciated