Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DH and his emotionless crap

89 replies

mumto2two · 22/05/2017 09:56

Am feeling so upset about this, so I'm sorry if I ramble.
DH has always had issues with communication, emotional or otherwise, and nearly 2 years ago I discovered he had been having an affair with a much younger work colleague, for over 18 months.
Our DD has multiple health issues and while we had been in and out of hospital, he was often away on business, having a whale of a time with her. He had been distant for years and I had tried so hard to understand, and when he started going out frequently after work, he would snap that he was doing something for himself for a change, seeing his 'friends' and he was entitled to. He treated me awfully, and it broke my heart to see him act so cruelly. The excuse he gave me when I discovered who his 'friends' really were, was that he assumed I just knew anyway !
His emotionlessness can be startling sometimes, and I know his controlling mother has played a big part towards the issues he has.
Much as it hurt, we decided to try again for the sake of our family, and he seemed such a broken man. We vowed to make it work, and things have ticked along since. We have not once mentioned this woman again, and she left the company soon after. However, I am still frustrated by his lack of emotional connection, and not just with me, I mean with everyone, and everything. He doesn't keep in touch with people, never sees friends, has no hobbies, does no exercise or sport, has no interest in our home and the state it has become, and I feel like I am the proverbial nag, anytime I try to broach it. And of course it upsets me, that the only person he seems to have made any effort with in all our time together, has been her. He suddenly seemed more energetic and alive, but of course, we all know why.
His job is stressful and he works long days, so his excuse is always that he has no time, but of course he did make time for her..and in fact, a lot of time.
This situation has rumbled along for some time, and the straw that seems to be breaking the camels back is this...
Our eldest daughter needed to arrange a week's work experience for 6th form, and it was booked at his company 4 months ago, due to start in a week. As it's over an hours drive, she would travel in and out with him. Last night in conversation, he suddenly remembered he had to be abroad with work that week, and she would have to find her own way or cancel her work experience. The only way she can get there, would involve a 45 min bus ride and 2 trains and would take her 2.5 hours at least.
He just shrugged and said there was nothing he could do. And he thinks I am being ridiculous for being upset. What's even more infuriating, is that he has known for sometime, and true to past communication form, failed to tell us. DD is so upset, and DH simply hung up on me and is refusing to answer my calls. He is sick of me and my nagging and then went on to say that he was being viewed as unreliable at work because of all the times our younger DD has been in hospital...
I'm just sat here reeling, and I can't even speak to him because once he decides he doesn't want to communicate, then that is it. He simply cuts you off.
Feel so low about everything, I know his work is more important, but it's the lack of communication and his attitude towards it that is hard to take. What do others think?
I'm sorry for the long ramble..

OP posts:

WicksEnd · 22/05/2017 13:53

The thing that stood out for me is the fact you've never mentioned the OW again. How come? Because you've not been 'allowed' to? Or made to feel you're not not allowed to at least.
You must have so many emotions trapped inside you and no release. I'm surprised you've not combusted.
He should have talked at length, and still be talking at length to win you back, not shut you out.
He managed to find passion for the OW, sounds like you've had 2 years of hell, he's just got away with ripping your heart out and carried on as if it never happened.
Do the kids know he had an affair?

Cheby · 22/05/2017 13:55

LTB; get yourself out OP. If not for yourself but your children. I can not imagine being so callous about my kids! (His behaviour towards your daughter I mean)

Do it sensibly. Get all your important documents together (birth certificates, passports), give them to a friend for safe keeping. Get copies of his bank statements, pay slips etc. Get funds in your own bank account if you can. See a solicitor, make a plan and then blindside him with it.

Two people can play at poor communication and he does not deserve courtesy here.

I'm sorry to say I also think he may be having another affair.

StaplesCorner · 22/05/2017 13:56

Practically OP, what do you want to do? Can you ask him to leave? What's your housing situation and how old are DDs?

StaplesCorner · 22/05/2017 13:56

Oh yes and what Cheby says - sounds like you have time to see a solicitor and get everything in order for when he goes away in 4 weeks.

PaperdollCartoon · 22/05/2017 13:58

Please start making plans to leave, this man does not deserve you making any effort for him. He doesn't respect you or the family, and he will not change.

Stormtreader · 22/05/2017 14:00

If hes so high-up and important at work then he can fork out for taxis. Let him see that this last-minute blase behaviour always costs someone, and this time its him.

Dawnedlightly · 22/05/2017 14:03

Blankface Does he have enough to pay for your daughter to have a taxi each way so she can complete her work experience?
That's a good idea OP- only don't ask his permission, just book it. You do have joint finances don't you? If he mithers remind him that DD being late, which she would have been, that's a long journey, would have been worse for his precious reputation.
But slightly longer term, yes! LTB

Willow2017 · 22/05/2017 14:05

He fucked up he pays for taxis.

Before he goes get your shit together to be ready to kick him out and while he is away put all his stuff in storage for him coming back.

DeadGood · 22/05/2017 14:05

"He is such a 'nice' placid easygoing person"

Being 'easygoing' is not the same thing as being 'nice'. I've never understood why the two are so easily confused.

'Nice' people do things for others, think of others, and care for others.

'Easygoing' people simply don't get emotional about stuff - often because they don't give a shit.

guinnessgirl · 22/05/2017 14:07

Op, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Your poor DD.

Just for context, I'm very much a 'work at it', do what you can to save a marriage, divorce should be the very last option, kind of person. And my advice to you?

LTB.

Original poster

mumto2two · 22/05/2017 14:11

I genuinely haven't considered the fact he might be having another affair, because I honestly don't think he is. He comes home every night, bar the very odd work related dinner, and his work trips are much less than they used to be. TBH he just seems emotionally detached in general. I don't think he even had much emotion in dumping the OW!
We have never mentioned her because I vowed to myself not to let bitterness overshadow our moving forward. Rightly or wrongly, and yes today it has very much resurfaced, as I guess it would. I think he's had an easy time of it in that regard.
Splitting would financially be immensely difficult. I gave up my career nearly 8 years ago when I had my 2nd child, and her health issues have prevented me from going back to it. It's a scary prospect and she adores her daddy. It broke my heart to see them so upset when he left after the affair. Our family was destroyed. The day before I discovered the affair, our beloved pet was killed, and he discovered it lying on the road outside our house when exiting his late night taxi after seeing her. He rang me on the way to work the following morning having said nothing before. He had put it in our outdoor bin and could not understand our distress at hearing that. Now when I look back at that time I shudder. That lack of emotional empathy keeps rearing its ugly head

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 22/05/2017 14:16

The day before I discovered the affair, our beloved pet was killed, and he discovered it lying on the road outside our house when exiting his late night taxi after seeing her. He rang me on the way to work the following morning having said nothing before. He had put it in our outdoor bin and could not understand our distress at hearing that.

Jesus.

You need to leave the cunt.

WaitingYetAgain · 22/05/2017 14:18

He had put it in our outdoor bin and could not understand our distress at hearing that. Now when I look back at that time I shudder. That lack of emotional empathy keeps rearing its ugly

Read up about sociopaths and narcissists. You might find it helpful.

Your husband should pay for taxis.

RubyWinterstorm · 22/05/2017 14:30

I think he is selfish and does not care about you.

Why stay with him? You'd be happier alone! And you might meet someone fun and wonderful int he future! Or juts eb happy without him.

God, why would you stay with him?

Northend77 · 22/05/2017 14:37

He definitely sounds like a sociopath. I am also married to one and I recognise many of the typical traits. I have considered leaving my husband on several occasions however things haven't come to that (yet - I haven't ruled it out as ever happening, but it's not the right course of action for me). However, I have ensured that I am financially stable just in case it does ever need to happen and this is only because I was financially trapped in my previous marriage and made myself homeless leaving that one (no kids thankfully) so I do understand how scary a prospect it is. BUT, he won't change and it's so emotionally draining and frustrating and makes you angry at their flippant nature towards things that SHOULD elicit an emotional response, like a normal human being. You are being treated so badly that you definitely need to find out what you are entitled to and make plans to leave. Good luck

ohfourfoxache · 22/05/2017 15:29

Holy fuck

I'm so sorry about your pet. Been there and it's beyond heartbreaking. If my dh had been as cold as yours it would have been a divorce on that basis alone

He is not a nice man. He's actually pretty fucking vile.

Please please please use this time to get your ducks in a row. You don't need to live like this. I hope you know that you deserve better xx

Huskylover1 · 22/05/2017 15:43

I know it's awful, but after reading all of this I am fantasising hitting this dickwad in the face with a brick.

There is always a way out. You need to see a Sol. You are entitled to some of his pension pot (in cash), you get child support, you can go for spousal support from him and child support. You may also be able to get some help from the government (see entitledto.co.uk)

Imagine being in a nice little house, just you & your kids, and not having to deal with any of his nonsense.

HildaOg · 22/05/2017 15:48

Why can't you drive her?

It's ridiculous that everybody here is trying to diagnose a man they never met as a sociopath. It seems on these threads that one or two people say something and then everybody repeats.

He sounds repressed because he was raised in an environment where self expression was severely punished. Growing up with that severely affects your ability to process emotions and communicate. It doesn't make you evil. And I see nothing to suggest he is. He's thoughtless, detached, repressed and unable to communicate. Lots of non sociopaths have those characteristics.

As for throwing the dead pet in the bin, well where the hell was he supposed to put it? Bringing into the house and wailing hysterically isn't going to bring it back. It's dead.

Allthewaves · 22/05/2017 15:52

So he WILL be paying for her to get a taxi to and from work won't he.

Topseyt · 22/05/2017 15:57

The behaviour you describe is beyond awful and I know I just couldn't put up with it. He is callous, both to you and to the children.

As for dumping your lovely pet's body in the bin, that would have instantly turned me totally against him as it shows that he has not a single shred of empathy.

He needs to arrange the transport for your daughter to do her work experience, especially as it is his fault that she is now in this position. Does he make a habit of leaving people in the lurch and buggering off?

Explain the situation to your DD's school regarding the work experience, being honest about your husband being such an arse. Tell him that you intend speaking to them about it and explaining his role in it. Maybe he will see what a poor light it casts him in and come up with something, or maybe he will not even care. It would help your DD though if school understand that there is a potential problem. They might even be able to help her get some experience lined up elsewhere independently of him, once they are aware of what a twat he is being.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 22/05/2017 15:58

Can you see yourself living with this situation forever? If not.....

Original poster

mumto2two · 22/05/2017 16:07

I can see your point Hildaog, yes he has some sociopathic traits, but by no means all. I'm sure I probably tick a couple of those boxes too!
I think I am able to 'diagnose' him, but I have certainly tried hard to understand his odd behaviours at times. As for this issue now, well it's the whole booking the trip and not even conferring with me as to whether it was convenient or not, work experience situation and all.
My youngest DD has school that week so I'm not in a position to get my DD to his office by 8.30, as it's an hour and a half drive away. I have no one else who can help out either.
It's his indifference here that irks me more than the practicalities.

OP posts:

Original poster

mumto2two · 22/05/2017 16:08

'Not able to diagnose him'

OP posts:

Topseyt · 22/05/2017 16:11

Hilda, pets are part of the family. Are you also totally lacking in empathy? You bury them or arrange for cremation.

If my DH were to be so disrespectful as to bin the body of my elderly dog when his time comes then I would have to bin my marriage as the stain on it then would be so great. Fortunately my DH is far better than that.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 22/05/2017 16:46

Most people bury their pets Hilda - maybe with the exception of goldfish. My parents got their dog cremated because she was an important part of the family. Throwing a loved family member in the bin and then not even mentioning it until the next day - that is beyond callous.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread