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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want a photo of my new baby niece

96 replies

WaxyBean · 22/05/2017 07:46

DB and DSIL had their first child yesterday morning. I have heard via DM that all went well and mum and baby are fine. I sent a congratulatory message as soon as I heard, and had sent presents out with DSIL in advance.

I am now desperate for a photo of my new niece. I won't get to meet her for at least six weeks as she was born abroad where DSIL is from. As background DB met my DS1 in hospital when he was less than 12 hours old, and sent a photo of DS2 within 12 hours too as DB was abroad.

I know IABU really as there should be no expectations on new parents to do anything and I don't know what else is going on, but I am really hoping to see a photo soon.

AIBU to be feeling this way?

OP posts:

MoominFlaps · 22/05/2017 09:32

MN is weird about the "family unit".

FWIW I had a traumatic birth (was in labour for 4 fucking days followed by EMCS and ill baby) but still sent pics of DS to various people. Why would I not? I want my DS to be part of a big extended family - it was just my siblings and my parents growing up and it was lonely.

HappydaysArehere · 22/05/2017 09:37

Just send congratulations hoping everything is great. Ps could say you can't wait for the first photos as you are really excited. No other pressure.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 09:39

When I first gave birth (15 years ago) I didn't need a moat because I was in hospital - mobiles weren't allowed (and I didn't own one), there was no access to the internet, and no one got baby photos till we'd had time to take them to Boots to be developed

When I first gave birth almost 40 years ago nice mums who were smokers sent smoke signals out the bathroom windows for others for the price of 10 no 6.

noramum · 22/05/2017 09:45

I personally think the whole "instant communication, photo sharing, messaging" goes too far, for a lot of events.

While I can understand the wish to see a new baby I think the brand new parents are perfectly able to decide when to do what. They told everybody and maybe there don't fancy knowing photos will be shared as soon as they hit a mobile. Maybe they want to look through them in peace and decide on one they really like.

We did 2 photos in post natal ward, one of DD in the fish bowl and one with DH and DD. None I personally found worth plastering over the internet, one was ok-ish, the other very private. We did lots more 2 days later when I was home and we had peace and quite instead of a horrendous ward. These were send to family members.

sadie9 · 22/05/2017 09:52

When I had my first, it would never have occurred to me to send out a photo. It took us at least a week to get a photo emailed around. I had ECS and then just in a dreamworld for 3 days.
Also they know if a photo is sent out it'll probably be plastered all over Facebook in 30seconds so if people don't want that then the don't send out a photo.

cheeeekyavocado · 22/05/2017 09:54

Maybe she did what she felt she needed to to ensure she didn't get depressed. Of course you can't always control depression, but sometimes prioritising your self-care makes the differences. And it can appear selfish because you seem well, when the reality is that it's the reason you are well.*

Perhaps sometimes yes.

But in this case it was 100% about wanting the attention from her parents just on her and her baby, and not wanting her siblings and their children being around.

She and her DH would regularly make a 2.5 hour round trip and spend a day/weekend with her parents and not bother to tell anybody she was visiting nearby to where we all live. We would have arranged to meet up or have her over at ours for coffee/lunch had we ever known she was visiting nearby. We wouldn't know until someone stuck a photo online or mentioned it in passing afterwards.

Whenever we were in her neck of the woods she would always be 'too busy'.

Now she clearly wonders why all of the other cousins are closer to each other, and her siblings don't have much time for her.

We all love her child of course and treat them the same as the others, but we (her siblings) and the kids never got to bond properly and its affected those relationships long term. For a family that is otherwise very close that's a shame.

All because she was selfish about refusing to allow anybody around her much in the first 6-12 months.

This is just my (extreme) experience of course, most parents just needs few days to get their heads around everything then everything settles down

In any event though, sending close family a photo (once all is well after birth) doesn't really affect your wellbeing.

Oddsocksforeveryone · 22/05/2017 10:01

Good grief there are some entitled people about today.
If any of my family had the attitude that I owed them a photo instantly, I was being selfish/rude/it only takes a second etc etc etc they'd have received one of the gory mid section ones of baby being pulled out.

Fwiw I shared photos of all 3 of mine once I was out of surgery and they were ok/I'd stopped shaking/had reception etc but because I wanted to not because I had to.

AvoidingCallenetics · 22/05/2017 10:09

If delivery has gone well, then I think it is odd and unkind not to send a pic to the grandparents/aunties. It takes seconds.

While parents have every right to hold their families at a distance, they should consider what outcome they want in the long term. If they want relatives to care about their child, to love them, feel interested and invested in them, then this won't happen if you tell those relatives that they are not welcome, not important. I bet sil's mum has seen a photo. It isn't right to treat the father's family as if they are of no importance.

Erinys · 22/05/2017 10:19

I had a horrendous experience having ds and was pretty out of it in recovery. I could have killed dh when I saw the photo he had emailed out to celebrate his firstborn. I looked for want of a better word dead. I'm the same colour as the sheets, my arms are covered in bruises (5 hours of having my blood pressure taken every 5 minutes and collapsing veins due to a fever) and I have this blank look on my face.

Both my dm and mil have the photo up in their respective houses as does one of my Grandmothers.

In future, I will be picking a photo to distribute and relatives might have to wait a bit.

I also think that "fine" covers a multitude of sins postnatally. I was totally bonkers and ds went to NICU but dh was so relieved that we were both breathing he told everyone we were "fine".

I'd give it a day or two. They announced the baby's arrival so there is no reason to expect that photos won't be forthcoming.

Fcukthetww · 22/05/2017 10:20

OP I think you're being unreasonable. I know it's personal preference but once my baby is born I'll not be sending photos to family members until dd1 and both sets of GP's have met baby and I'm ready to do the whole Facebook announcement thing. I've seen too many people's long awaited news be announced by random extended family members before the parents have had the chance and I know it'd really piss me off if someone did that to me (I've waited 14 years for this baby so have had a long time to plot)

Tallulahoola · 22/05/2017 10:24

Sorry, but you sound mad.

They might be having problems, or they might just be in a little bubble with their newborn and other people are the last thing on their minds. They might have switched their phones off after sending the initial 'all doing well' message so they can have a bit of peace and quiet, particularly if they've got a big family who will start descending on them as soon as they get home.

MIL doesn't have a phone capable of receiving pictures or a computer. Despite traumatic EMCS she bombarded DH with calls on the day DD1 was born demanding that he go to Boots, print off some pictures and post them to her. He offered to just send them to her sister's phone (she was at her sister's) but no, because there was a possibility her sister would see the pictures a split second before her and that would ruin everything

When DS was born we didn't even tell her I was in labour.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 10:34

When I had my first, it would never have occurred to me to send out a photo. It took us at least a week to get a photo emailed around. I had ECS and then just in a dreamworld for 3 days
Also they know if a photo is sent out it'll probably be plastered all over Facebook in 30seconds so if people don't want that then the don't send out a photo

I've been at the birth of all 6 of my grandchildren, 2 of which were emergency c-sections. I've never put pictures on FB and neither have my children. We have an extended family WhatsApp group we use instead.

DorkMaiden · 22/05/2017 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 22/05/2017 10:41

They aren't the first people to have a baby, it takes seconds to think about someone else and not just yourself. Sending a quick photo means a lot to family members, everyone has time for that

Not if the baby or mother are having post birth complications. Frankly relatives are on the back burner unless they at close ones, such as your own mother - everyone else can get to the far side and them some. Last think on my mind in SCBU was pandering to needy relatives

AvoidingCallenetics · 22/05/2017 10:42

I do think it is perfectly reasonable to ask family not to share pics on fb and not to send them to anyone you don't trust to respect that request.

Applesandpears23 · 22/05/2017 10:48

Depending how the birth was they may be waiting for baby to heal, swelling to reduce, jaundice to go. I still feel sad when I see early pics of my poor battered baby and am a bit annoyed with my partner for sending one around everyone that shows clearly the ventous mark on the back of her head. After that she was yellow for a week or two. The pics when she is two weeks old are much nicer and make me feel positive. Tread carefully as there may be a reason they aren't showing pics now.

PurpleMinionMummy · 22/05/2017 11:03

If they haven't sent any pics they're probably just a bit overwhelmed perhaps and haven't thought about it yet. It's certainly not U that you are eager to see your new neice.

My sil didn't even tell us when she had her baby. We found out a week later in a casual convo with mil!

WonderLime · 22/05/2017 11:04

I really don't think it matters at all whether it was a simple or difficult birth. If the parents want some privacy in the first couple of days and don't want to share pictures that is completely up to them, and no other family members are entitled to anything!

I am due in July, and I have no intention of sending any pictures to anyone until I get home. After I have given birth (whether it straight forward or difficult), I will be more interested in bonding as an immediate family. Everyone else can wait until I get home. That is not selfish.

Cheby · 22/05/2017 11:19

YABU OP. Leave them in their bubble. She will be exhausted, even if the birth was textbook she will have been up all night feeding a brand new baby.

There is so much pressure on women to pander to everyone else's wants and needs these days after having a baby. I genuinely think a bit more time dedicated to self care, to prioritising yourself helps with stuff like PND. Certainly did second time round with me.

And for the poster complaining their SIL didn't allow the various nieces and nephews to descend for visits to a newborn; firstly presumably your brother was involved in the decision as well so stop blaming your SIL, and secondly there is no way I would have wanted hoardes of small kids, full of germs and grubby hands pawing over my newborn either. DD2 caught a cold from her sister (so it was unavoidable) aged 8 days. Getting feeding established was tough anyway but add a temperature and blocked nose into that and it totally derailed everything. The more visitors you have, particularly small kids, the more you risk that kind of stuff.

BlurryFace · 22/05/2017 11:20

Leave them be, they're probably a bit busy freaking out over first time parenthood to work through the list of relatives who want photos/updates. Some couples roll with it really well, others (like myself and DH) feel like they've been hit over the head with a mallet.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 11:24

My sil didn't even tell us when she had her baby. We found out a week later in a casual convo with mil!

That's awful and a dreadful reflection on your MIL. Just how she would go along with that level of ugliness is beyond me. Just why would you do that to one of your children?

cheeeekyavocado · 22/05/2017 11:49

My sil didn't even tell us when she had her baby. We found out a week later in a casual convo with mil!

Wow! That is horrible.

Bet someone will be along soon to stick up for them and said they needed to do it for their own well being though 🙄

tigerskinrug · 22/05/2017 11:56

When my SIL had 1st baby DB sent a text message saying "baby girl born 1426, mum and baby well. We will be formally announcing the birth tomorrow night at 7pm when you will find out the name and see a picture" We were "formally announcing the birth?" I wanted to remind DB that they were not in line to the throne. We were dying to meet DN and the formality of it all was really quite upsetting. Our family are all very respectful of boundaries, so it wasn't as if they did this to protect themselves from an influx of people.

Anyway OP YANBU to want a pic, congrats, it is a really exciting time.

DesignedForLife · 22/05/2017 12:23

I wonder how on earth people coped with the wait before digital cameras, you know, when you had to walk to a shop with a film, wait for it to be developed, then post the thing to relatives.

Whatsername17 · 22/05/2017 12:24

Tiger we did the same (although didn't say 'formally announced') because we wanted dd1 to be the first to see her sister. We sent the photo 2 hours later. It's not about being precious, we just wanted a bit of time. Dd1 is 5 and struggled with the new baby a bit, particularly during my pregnancy. She was better when the baby arrived.

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