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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a photo of my new baby niece

96 replies

WaxyBean · 22/05/2017 07:46

DB and DSIL had their first child yesterday morning. I have heard via DM that all went well and mum and baby are fine. I sent a congratulatory message as soon as I heard, and had sent presents out with DSIL in advance.

I am now desperate for a photo of my new niece. I won't get to meet her for at least six weeks as she was born abroad where DSIL is from. As background DB met my DS1 in hospital when he was less than 12 hours old, and sent a photo of DS2 within 12 hours too as DB was abroad.

I know IABU really as there should be no expectations on new parents to do anything and I don't know what else is going on, but I am really hoping to see a photo soon.

AIBU to be feeling this way?

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 22/05/2017 08:19

jarhead

"..... it takes seconds to think about someone else and not just yourself. Sending a quick photo means a lot to family members, everyone has time for that."

We didn't have time for that after I was rushed in to be put under general anaesthetic or when I finally came to and had to be re sedated as I was suffocating, or when I was shipped off to intensive care and it took every ounce of my remaining energy to cuddle my babies.

Clearly the OPs Relatives are probably fine and they just haven't got round to sending a pic yet as they may be tired or whatever, but don't assume. Like you say "it takes seconds to think of someone else and not just yourself"!!

Leanback · 22/05/2017 08:19

Nobody is entitled to see a photo of somebody else's baby.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 08:30

I really hate all this 'first few days is a blur, you're not their priority etc'

They aren't the first people to have a baby, it takes seconds to think about someone else and not just yourself. Sending a quick photo means a lot to family members

I agree. It only takes seconds for a picture to be taken to one family member who then forwards it to everyone else.

There seems to be such an emphasis nowadays on showing just how loved up a couple were when baby was born to the extent they enter a bubble after the birth then build a moat around it just for good measure.

I'm so glad my lot are a bunch of show offs who can't wait to take pictures to send to familiy and friends, and who accept visitors from the outset.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 08:33

We didn't have time for that after I was rushed in to be put under general anaesthetic or when I finally came to and had to be re sedated as I was suffocating, or when I was shipped off to intensive care and it took every ounce of my remaining energy to cuddle my babies.

You have been through a lot and when it comes to these kind of threads I never think to add a disclaimer because it's just common sense really.

WonderLime · 22/05/2017 08:36

they enter a bubble after the birth then build a moat around it just for good measure.

Which they are completely entitled to do as it's their child.

Odd though, but maybe the parents are actually just tired and too busy meeting their new baby to think that everyone else wanting a picture is the priority. Hmm

x2boys · 22/05/2017 08:37

All babies look the same when born scrunched up and red I adore my boys and think they are very good looking but ds1_was tiny and lookd like a skinned rabbit and ds2 was a bit flakey

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/05/2017 08:37

I think Scooby has it with "Some babies are proper ugly" and parents are waiting for it's head to straighten out 😂

Chloe84 · 22/05/2017 08:38

44pumplane

I think MrsPeely was referring to cases like the OP's SIL, where it's been confirmed that both mum and baby are both doing fine.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 08:40

Which they are completely entitled to do as it's their child

Which is exactly what I mean.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 08:40

Thank you Chloe.

sureitsgrand · 22/05/2017 08:42

I get you are excited and interested, but they will send a picture when they are ready. My ds looked really cross for the first 48 hours and had a severe birthmark. I wanted to wait before sending pics, but my mum was so excited she sent terrible pictures of him to our side of the family which I was a bit gutted about (she thought they were gorgeous). And my sil definitely got no early pictures, as she is pass remarkable and completely indescrete.

cheeeekyavocado · 22/05/2017 08:46

There seems to be such an emphasis nowadays on showing just how loved up a couple were when baby was born to the extent they enter a bubble after the birth then build a moat around it just for good measure.

This!!

It's so bloody annoying.

Not saying this is anything like the OP situation, just my experience of PFB parents.
My sister in law didn't allow visitors for weeks apart from her own Mum and Dad. (Her DH parents were kept at arms length and only allowed half an hour here and there). Wouldn't send many pictures. Wouldn't give much away about anything. She almost went into lock down and pretty much cut her brothers sisters grandparents aunts uncles etc out.

She wasn't depressed.
No complications.
Out of hospital in less than a day.
Has a loving close family with several young nieces and nephews who wanted to meet their baby cousin.
It became very obvious over time that she was actually revelling in being the centre of attention with her mummy and daddy and didn't want anybody else (or the other kids) to get in the way of that.
It affected her relationships with everyone and nobody really makes much effort with her now because of the way she behaved in her baby's first months. So it kind of backfired in the long run as she now has a toddler who isn't the new baby anymore and it just one of the other family kids!


pictish · 22/05/2017 08:46

Maybe try to exercise some patience?

EdmundCleverClogs · 22/05/2017 08:54

MrsPeelyWaly, new parents are far more entitled to 'build a moat' around themselves than others are are entitled to a photo after only a few hours. I really hate this new culture of 'I can access your life whenever I please, you have no excuse not to answer me straight away'. What happened to a little bit of privacy?

Someone I knew took a couple of days to start sending photos and such, even though they had a non-life threatening birth/post birth experience. It had been very difficult though, I knew later both parents were utterly exhausted for a good couple of days, and the mum had suffered some injuries during the process that required an extra couple of days in hospital. I didn't question it at the time or 'jokingly' asked for some pictures, because that's rude. It's a few days wait, that wouldn't have been a big deal a few years ago - it's just another case of people thinking a baby is family property once born.

BertieBotts · 22/05/2017 08:56

WTF? I can't believe people are so snippy and mean about parents (god forbid) wanting a bit of private/alone time with their newborn before inviting everyone else in Confused

Of course it's lovely to see the new baby but they aren't public property.

lotusbomb · 22/05/2017 09:00

When DD was born and I sent a photo to various family members, a couple of them posted her of Facebook within minutes of recieving them. I was enraged. Partly because they hadn't fucking asked and partly because if they had bothered to ask, they would have known that I had very specific reasons for not wanting pics of her on there at all.

Consequently, if I ever have another DC, I won't be sending pictures until I'M ready, not when everybody else wants them

Sorry OP, I know you are excited and you mean well but YABU. Let them send photos in their own time.

44PumpLane · 22/05/2017 09:06

*Chloe84

44pumplane

I think MrsPeely was referring to cases like the OP's SIL, where it's been confirmed that both mum and baby are both doing fine.*

Chloe/MrsPeely, we had actually sent out the "mother and baby doing well" messages to family before things went a bit wrong. It took several hours for us to realise that I was hemmoraging and given the time of day (night) my DH didn't want to be ringing people at night and worrying them without knowing what was going to happen.

Please don't think I'm being snarky at all- my experience was rare and I'm 100% fine, as are my babies, so I'd class that as a win win!

I was only providing a fairly extreme example of why sometimes everyone might think things are ok but situation can change and then other relatives are not the priority.

It's difficult to convey any emotion in the written word so apologies if you thought I was being sharp or snarky in any way.

BroccoliOnTheFloor · 22/05/2017 09:08

YABU.

I was overwhelmed for the first few days after the birth and I am STILL resenting relatives who kept asking for hourly photo updates (I have sent pictures, but apparently not enough).

ShoesHaveSouls · 22/05/2017 09:15

Yanbu - my DSIL had a terrible labour and birth, but my DB had sent photos to us within hours (couldn't wait to show his DD off Smile ). I sent a congratulations text to DSIL and got a reply back, and more photos.

Don't hassle them though.

Lightship · 22/05/2017 09:20

Jesus, what a lot of frothing. Maybe they don't want relatives plastering their baby all over social media. Maybe the new mother has birth injuries or is finding the post-natal ward horrifying (in which case she has my total sympathy). Maybe the baby has forcep marks or a birth mark they're not ready to start explaining. Maybe she's struggling with BF. Being in some kind of newborn bubble of bliss is far from the only reason they're not spewing out photographs.

It's nice that you care, OP, but do cut them some slack.

Lightship · 22/05/2017 09:23

And all our relatives, all of whom live in a different country to where DS was born, were also told DS and I were 'fine'. Because I thought we were fine, because I didn't know any different, and because Light lost a lot of blood, has post-natal psychosis and is hallucinating, has no milk supply, and is in bits about having to FF' isn't something I wanted passed around the grapevine of two families.

Original poster
WaxyBean · 22/05/2017 09:24

Thanks all.

To be clear I haven't hassled - just the one congratulatory text. And I do understand that i don't know what exactly they are feeling right now, and that it is their right to do what they like with regards to access to their daughter. They have posted details (though no photos) on Facebook so my assumption is that all must be reasonably well.

Just feeling very disappointed that they have not sent a photo yet (to me or my mum) as I am very excited about the birth of my niece. I was hoping there would be one when I woke up this morning (time zone differences) but will send a text checking in with them later. I won't hassle for photos.

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 22/05/2017 09:25

I think you can ask for a photo. People did with dd2 and I didn't mind. The only thing we did was not send photos out until dd1 had met her sister. I didn't want my mum showing dd1 the picture and telling her the name. So we sent a text saying that she was here safely and we'd text more details after dd1 had been for her visit. Dd2 was born at 4.30pm, dd1 visited at 6pm and we sent the photo of them both complete with name and weight at about 6.30pm. It annoyed me that fil then phoned dh complaining that we 'needed' to inform aunties and uncles and if we weren't going to do it there and then they would forward the photo. Hmm dh and I were sat in the hospital introducing our first born to her new sister. Id only just showered. Dh just said 'ok' and ignored all other messages. I have to defend people who want a couple of weeks alone too. With dd1 we let everyone else come when they wanted and it was overwhelming. With dd2 we saw immediate family the day we came home and then asked for some space for a few days whilst I recovered and established bf. We only asked for a week but it made all the difference.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 22/05/2017 09:25

I wonder if the "building a moat" mentality is a response to the current culture of instant photos / constant accessibility/ no privacy?

When I first gave birth (15 years ago) I didn't need a moat because I was in hospital - mobiles weren't allowed (and I didn't own one), there was no access to the internet, and no one got baby photos till we'd had time to take them to Boots to be developed.

BertsBlanket · 22/05/2017 09:28

My sister in law didn't allow visitors for weeks apart from her own Mum and Dad. (Her DH parents were kept at arms length and only allowed half an hour here and there). Wouldn't send many pictures. Wouldn't give much away about anything. She almost went into lock down and pretty much cut her brothers sisters grandparents aunts uncles etc out.

She wasn't depressed
No complications.
Out of hospital in less than a day.

Maybe she did what she felt she needed to to ensure she didn't get depressed. Of course you can't always control depression, but sometimes prioritising your self-care makes the differences. And it can appear selfish because you seem well, when the reality is that it's the reason you are well.