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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Merging finances

52 replies

namechange2105 · 21/05/2017 19:41

I've name changed for personal reasons but am interested in other people's opinions on merging finances when considering moving in together. For complex safeguarding reasons I won't go into on here, I don't get maintenance for my children but support them myself with my salary and a small amount of tax credits plus child benefit. I want to protect my home for my children. My bills NOT including the mortgage /food/petrol /children's school dinners / clothing us all etc etc come to around £900 a month. After I've paid for the things like food mentioned above, I have around £200 a month left which I try to save for emergencies.

If new man ever moved in, I would no longer be eligible for tax credits which is fair enough. He has proposed paying £500 a month all in which would leave him with around £1800 a month cash to play around with whilst I'd have around £100 to put away after paying for the necessities.

I really not sure if I'm right to feel uncomfortable about considering him moving in properly. I know he shouldn't be contributing to the mortgage, my life insurance for the kids, their school meals etc, clothing etc but the large discrepancy in 'freed up' salary makes me feel wary.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 21/05/2017 19:44

Sounds like a terrible idea to me. If he's not ready to share your life (including contributing to paying for your DC and yes, to the mortgage) are you really ready to move in together?

Moanyoldcow · 21/05/2017 19:48

Why shouldn't he be contributing to your mortgage? He is getting the benefit of the house, of course he should.

You could do all manner of complicated calculations and splits, etc. but personally, as the two adults in the house I'd be splitting everything down the middle if we had similar incomes. How is it fair for him to have 18 times more disposable income than you?

Moanyoldcow · 21/05/2017 19:49

Where do you live? My flat share 15 years ago was more than £500. He's taking the piss in my opinion...

ImperialBlether · 21/05/2017 19:51

OP, I'll come and live with you for £500! That would be great! All that money saved, and a low pay-out each month for absolutely everything.

Does he actually think you're mad?

Original poster

namechange2105 · 21/05/2017 19:52

I'd never expect him to be responsible financially for my children but whenever it was discussed in the past, he talked about paying his fair share of everything. I'm managing comfortably on my own although it isn't what I want and the potential finances discussed are making the phrase "cock lodger" jump into my brain however hard I try to push it away.

OP posts:

Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:53

Waaa!! We have really complicated finances.

Don't have a joint account but OH gives me half the bills by direct debit every month.

We then end up transferring money between our accounts all the time for shopping etc - I get maintenance and he pays maintenance.

It's a nightmare and I don't help as I am really anal about having my own money as ex husband was quite controlling with money.

Original poster

namechange2105 · 21/05/2017 19:53

I don't want contributions to the mortgage because in the event of anything happening to me I want my house to go to my children. He has money put away for his adult children to a similar value of my house.

OP posts:

Softkitty2 · 21/05/2017 19:54

I think with the £500 he is only considering his upkeep. He is paying you rent and bills for HIS share only..

Perphaps he thinks your children are your responsibility and he would not contribute to a mortgage he would have no interest in.

I don't know what the right answer is in terms of massive difference in left over money after bills etc..

I think as long as your not worst off financially then it might work.

Trifleorbust · 21/05/2017 19:55

How much would he need to contribute to pay for his half of the mortgage, his own food costs, his electricity/gas costs, house insurance, repairs, garden equipment, decorating, takeaways, Netflix, broadband, water etc? I would imagine far more than £500 a month, right?

ImperialBlether · 21/05/2017 20:01

But £500 wouldn't cover rent, bills, council tax and food in any world, would it?

Haliez13 · 21/05/2017 20:07

Will he have his own room at your place? His own space? If so, then maybe get a proper contract and some rent for it. I do think if you're just assuming he'll move into your room, and have no rights in the property at all, then it isn't fair to charge a market rent. I mean, he should be putting money aside in case you kick him out, not pouring his disposable income into a house he will never have any rights to.

Original poster

namechange2105 · 21/05/2017 20:07

Double the proposed contribution easily, Trifle. Basing it on just utilities, house and car based insurances and a very basic food shop then I'd about break even on a £500 contribution.

OP posts:

harderandharder2breathe · 21/05/2017 20:10

He should pay more. Some sort of "rent" as well as contributions to bills.

It really won't last with such disparity between your spare money

Original poster

namechange2105 · 21/05/2017 20:10

Haliez, that's why I feel torn about this. He'd be sleeping in my bed obviously and I'd never expect him to pay towards my mortgage. I'm just uncomfortable about having such a difference in excess income each month after managing alone for so long. I would be financially a little worse off having him move in.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 21/05/2017 20:10

namechange2105

Then I think that should answer your question! Even if he isn't going to be a fully functioning adult half of a couple and stump up for half the household costs, there is no way on god's earth £500 is sufficient. Why should he get to live in your house like a graduate lodger? How much are his costs now?

expatinscotland · 21/05/2017 20:19

I'd continue living apart until your kids are older. You stand to lose £1200/year by having him move in with you. Why would you even consider losing £1200/year so your boyfriend can move in? That's madness! His income would also be taken into consideration if and when your kids apply for student loans, he'd be expected to pay. Too much money for you to lose here. Who proposed moving him in? It's a bad idea if either of you is losing money.

Original poster

namechange2105 · 21/05/2017 20:19

His independent living costs now are triple the proposed contribution.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/05/2017 20:21

Who proposed moving in and the £500? And again, 'a little down' each month? You'd be losing at least 1200 pounds, that's just silly.

Ditsy1980 · 21/05/2017 20:22

Ok, so your bills excluding your mortgage/food/child expenses come to £900. So his offer of £500 isn't too unrealistic as it's half of the bills. Even if you add food costs to share it won't be much more than £500.

It's just the massive disparity between the leftover income. I'm guessing he will be saving loads as his current outgoings won't be £500.

I understand you want to protect your house for your children. How old are they? How long do you plan on living in this house? What if you live together in it for 50 years then you die first? Do your children kick DP out?

Would it be possible for him to contribute to mortgage but you get some sort of legal documentation to protect kids? So if you got house valued currently and it was £200,000. That amount in any future sale is yours for your kids. Any over that is split 50/50 between you and DP? So if in ten years you split and house is valued at £350,000, then £200,000 is for children, you and DP get £75k each?

expatinscotland · 21/05/2017 20:23

'His independent living costs now are triple the proposed contribution.'

Yeah, why am I not surprised? And how 'new' is he? This is a bad idea. Who brought it up? Is he pressuring you? Do you realise your kids won't qualify for student loans based on just your income if he's living there, even if you're not married?

Is he the '50/50 always, no, ifs ands or buts' type? But except when it comes to your house?

Original poster

namechange2105 · 21/05/2017 20:26

We both discussed long term plans of moving him in here and him selling up, he proposed the £500 contribution to my finances if he moved in. He talks about saving the capital from his house sale. I haven't discussed it further with him yet. I wanted to be clear in my head about costs and also discuss it face to face but fair to say, it certainly won't go ahead on these terms and could be a relationship breaker if he can't see the problem with what he is proposing.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 21/05/2017 20:27

namechange2105

You have very different priorities, by the sounds of it. You want to protect your kids. He's betting your giving him a cheap ride because he knows this about you. No decent man would suggest a contribution that left you out of pocket and him rolling in spare cash.

ImperialBlether · 21/05/2017 20:30

So is he renting out his place, then? And saving the money? And you're planning to let him live rent-free? That makes no economic sense (for you.)

expatinscotland · 21/05/2017 20:31

What Trifle said. And remember, the rules for student loan qualification have changed. His income would be taken into account and he'd need to top them up. And I just don't see that happening with someone who makes such a proposal that leaves him with £1800 extra each month and you £1200/annum down. That's just . . . You know, he knows that already, doesn't he? You've told him you'll lose money. NO more 'discussion' about this. 'Now's not a good time for moving in.' 'Why not?' 'I'm not in a financial position to do that, it would compromise my kids and I'm not willing to do that.' Simples.

Original poster

namechange2105 · 21/05/2017 20:31

I lost my parents as a child and due to a lack of wills etc, my parents home was sold and the finances used by relatives who cared for me to fund the pub and exotic holidays. I'm in my late 30s and want to ensure that in the same scenario, my children would be financially secure as adults. Hence my having adequate life insurance in trust etc, will and trustworthy guardians.

OP posts:

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