Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Merging finances

52 replies

namechange2105 · 21/05/2017 19:41

I've name changed for personal reasons but am interested in other people's opinions on merging finances when considering moving in together. For complex safeguarding reasons I won't go into on here, I don't get maintenance for my children but support them myself with my salary and a small amount of tax credits plus child benefit. I want to protect my home for my children. My bills NOT including the mortgage /food/petrol /children's school dinners / clothing us all etc etc come to around £900 a month. After I've paid for the things like food mentioned above, I have around £200 a month left which I try to save for emergencies.

If new man ever moved in, I would no longer be eligible for tax credits which is fair enough. He has proposed paying £500 a month all in which would leave him with around £1800 a month cash to play around with whilst I'd have around £100 to put away after paying for the necessities.

I really not sure if I'm right to feel uncomfortable about considering him moving in properly. I know he shouldn't be contributing to the mortgage, my life insurance for the kids, their school meals etc, clothing etc but the large discrepancy in 'freed up' salary makes me feel wary.

OP posts:
rightwhine · 21/05/2017 20:44

Well he needs to compensate you for the tax credits you lose, to start with to level the playing field. Then he needs to pay half of all your outgoings, not including the mortgage. So you both benefit from reduced costs.

TeenAndTween · 21/05/2017 20:57

What rightwhine said.

expatinscotland · 21/05/2017 21:09

That's terrific, name, but by moving this guy in you're compromising both yourself and your kids. And again, his income would count when they apply for student loans, he'd be expected to top them up. That's another reason not to move him in. You don't have to live together to have a good relationship. That £100/month is a lot of money! And then he has £1800 spare every month? C'mon, he knows what he's doing. He knows how you are, as Trifle says, and sees you as a cheap ride. How long have you been together?

llhj · 21/05/2017 21:48

What expat says x 1000. Listen to her in the name of God.

StripeyDeckchair · 21/05/2017 22:18

If it's your house and he's moving in then you need to have a solicitor draw up an agreement on finances & ownership & how things will be slip in the event of a separation.
Sounds negative but it's your asset and you have to look after yourself and your children.

LineysRun · 21/05/2017 22:32

Please listen to expat's point about student loans.

mistermagpie · 22/05/2017 07:48

Just my personal view but I would never move in with someone unless I saw it as a permanent relationship. Obviously things happen, but the commitment would need to be there. Therefore all finances would be split down the middle. It's really unfair for him to be living in your house and having £1800 to play with every month while you only have £100.

DH and I have an odd set up for various reasons, in that I own our house (bought it after we were married) and he owns both our cars, but we still contribute 50/50 to everything and have the same amount left over at the end of the month.

Clutterbugsmum · 22/05/2017 08:28

From what you have written it sounds like he wants to move in with you for his financial benefit. He offered to pay you £500 per month so saving him self £1000 per month and you losing your tax credit and possible your child benefit if he earns over the limit.

Then if he sells his property putting the equity in his savings.

So his suggestion means you are going to be worse off, while he going put himself in a much better financial position.

You need to seriously think about your financial position so you are not carrying an extra cost.

KarmaNoMore · 22/05/2017 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pheebo · 22/05/2017 09:05

Run a mile he isn't interested in being a family he isn't worth being with OP

expatinscotland · 22/05/2017 09:07

Plus, you will be losing at least £100 a month right now! Less money for your family whilst he gets an extra £1000. This is a no-brainer. Methinks he's brought this up to get his feets under your table.

KarmaNoMore · 22/05/2017 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/05/2017 13:02

There is no way it can work for you. Why do you want him to move in?

KarmaNoMore · 22/05/2017 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleOwl153 · 22/05/2017 17:47

If he has a house to sell, how about he keeps it, rents it out, and splits the proceeds 50/50 with you in lieu of 'rent' for his accommodation, then in addition pays 50/50 of costs such as bills. Not sure how this would work out but I'm assuming rent would be reasonable and give you some money to put away for kids etc.

Strikes me that you are not looking for revised suggestions, you know this isn't right for you/your kids.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 22/05/2017 17:53

Expat & Trifle are right. This isn't fair and a man who doesn't recognise this isn't a good guy long term.

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/05/2017 18:07

Sharing finances as "family money" = fine. Keeping separate finances = fine. Refusing to give him any rights over his home but wanting more than a half share of bills = bloody unfair. As someone further up the thread suggested... if your house is worth £200,000, have it written into an agreement that you get that money back if you split up. Any equity from the years you are together gets split down the middle. In return, he pays half the mortgage.

Kokusai · 22/05/2017 18:13

I hate the 'not contributing towards someone elses mortgage" thing.

Yes re capital repayments, but the interest portion is essentially 'rent' and should be taken int account.

Kokusai · 22/05/2017 18:15

I think at this stage - keeping your tax credits and keep him living separately is a better plan for you. There is no need to cohabit unless you can be a fully blended family.

Haliez13 · 22/05/2017 18:29

MN is so funny. I remember a really similar thread about a woman moving into a man's house where he was the home owner and wanted her to pay rent.

The unanimous call was that he was being VVVU and she was being exploited and should absolutely not be paying towards her boyfriend's mortgage when she'd be getting no security and no rights to the house in return.

Original poster
namechange2105 · 22/05/2017 18:36

A lot to think about, thank you. I need to have a proper discussion with him about what he's planning on doing with the excess income.

I hadn't even considered things like student loans in the future but you're all right in that my household income would be classed as going up approx 38-40k gross a year yet his contribution would be 6k net a year. Id already be down financially by losing my tax credits and once you've added in extra council tax, food, utilities, that would be a higher loss. I don't ever want to become vulnerable again, been there and worn the top shirt.

I was thinking about someone I broke up with a few years ago because I didn't feel ready to remarry after my bad experience. He earned significantly more than me and the long term plan if we decided to live together was to sell both properties and buy together each protecting our equity, put all finances in a joint account, pay the bills, put away savings and split the balance as personal money. That felt a much more secure way of doing things.

I'm struggling a little to see him in the same light right now but can totally understand people who say he shouldn't contribute to someone elses children or mortgage.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/05/2017 18:47

'she was being exploited and should absolutely not be paying towards her boyfriend's mortgage when she'd be getting no security and no rights to the house in return.'

The difference is that he has capital from a house sale (or he may opt to rent it out) and £1800 extra each month to save. His children are adults so there's no upheaval for them.

Trifleorbust · 22/05/2017 18:52

namechange2105

No, but he should totally be prepared to pay his way and YOU should be proposing what you are prepared to detract from 50:50 to reflect the fact that you don't want his contribution to your mortgage or to the costs associated with the kids. He should not be low-balling you to try to get the most advantageous 'deal' for himself possible. It is both stingy and short-sighted and reflects badly on him.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2017 18:53

'A lot to think about, thank you. I need to have a proper discussion with him about what he's planning on doing with the excess income. '

You really don't. Why the rush to move in together? Whose idea was it? His proposal tells you all you need to know. You stand to lose money on moving him in. He offered a silly amount of money knowing full well your situation. You say you put your kids first, you do! But not by being reliant on a man who's showing your his true colours for at least £1200/year. Plus, the long-term ramifications when it comes to student loan qualification.

This is simple, don't move in together.

He brings it up, you tell him, 'This isn't the time.' 'I prefer not to co-habitate until my children are older.' 'Why not?' 'Finances too complicated. I prefer not blending them with anyone else.'

Smitff · 22/05/2017 18:53

Sounds to me that you're not ready to share your life with this man. As such, I don't think you should be moving him into your children's home. The finances are the least of it.