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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never want to see my husbands family again

98 replies

user1495362060 · 21/05/2017 12:28

I am about to have my second baby via c section. Neither me nor my husband have parents who could help (his deceased, mine very ill). He has four siblings living abroad, some married, some single and a big extended family. I am an only child so no help from my side. His family members like to talk about the importance of keeping the family together since his parents died but it mostly means mandatory get togethers for special occasions and very little beyond that. To give an example not a single person from his extended family was available to babysit DD, even when we were staying nearby and I had to visit my dad in the hospital. However I try to keep in contact with them mostly for the sake of DD who likes the idea of having relatives. So we still visit them every time we come back and I got used to the situation.

So obviously I didn't expect any help after the operation this time around and indeed they didn't propose or even ask how we will get by. In principle ours is a family oriented culture so my friends keep assuming that some family member is coming over to help. I feel slightly uncomfortable/ashamed saying that no one is coming. However we have many friends who proposed to help, take DD overnight and bring meals, so it is fine.

Coming to the point of the story, it turns out some distant elderly relative chided my husbands siblings that no one is coming to help us, they should be ashamed, they should really come over, shell pay for the ticket etc. And I know about this because... they immediately wrote about this in a family chat which me and my husband are members of. In the sense that haha, she is so crazy, to expect we will fly to London. Inviting us to laugh with them. The conversation ended with them asking about my section date (I guess they didn't remember) and proposing we send the video of the birth as it happens...Nobody asked if we have help with DD, if we are OK or anything of the sort again.

I have to say once again that it is completely expected in their culture to help family members and they all receive such help with their kids from the other half parents usually. So it is not like it is foreign to them, it is just that they really don't think they should do anything.

Now I really don't know - on one hand it is nothing new and I didn't expect them to propose help. But I just don't know how to come there again and look at them with a straight face. I am just feeling sad to have to answer all these questions about our extended family or really hearing how people leave kids with family members etc and then come back there and meet these people who have no common sense or , I don't know, decency, to not at least invite me to laugh with them at the mere idea of them helping out. Or indeed to at least ask how me and my husband are coping. In short AIBU to just want to keep future contacts to a bare minimum? And anyway to think that they are unimaginable jerks?

OP posts:

noschooll4mee · 21/05/2017 12:38

YABU .. I think its ridiculous to expect family to fly in from another country because you are having a c section . Perfectly possible for 2 grown adults to manage a new baby and another child. You sound as tho you are a bit precious tbh. Minimum contact also sounds immature huffiness fir no reason. Seriously , get a grip .

RandomDent · 21/05/2017 12:40

You'll be fine, I promise. If they only come under sufferance do you want them there anyway? Good luck with the birth. :)

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/05/2017 12:43

YABU. You expect them to fly to help you out? Nice if they did, but crazy to expect it of anyone.

LedaP · 21/05/2017 12:47

Yabu to expect them to fly in.

It is actuallu a crazy idea. You dont like them so why would you want them round you post op with a new born?

Culture isnt anything really. You may view it as your culture, but they dont. Also i dont think its a massive deal they forgot the date of your section.

Butterymuffin · 21/05/2017 12:48

Can you just clarify - do any of his family members live in the same country as you? That does make a difference. If they all live abroad it's a bit of an ask. But at the same time, I wouldn't be embarrassed to tell people (calmly) how it really is. Say your family are abroad and your friends are kindly helping you. You won't be the only ones in this position. And do ask friends for help, don't feel you can't.

KC225 · 21/05/2017 12:58

I don't know why you are a little ashamed to admit to friends that his extended family who live abroad are unable to help. They must know that his parents are deceased and yours are ill. Ask the friends you are close to for help. It is much better leave your elder child with someone they know and trust rather than a relative they barely know.

I imagine his siblings have children, jobs and are tied to school holidays or a certain amount of weeks holiday time. What help did you offer them prior to you having children. I note the distant relative is elderly when people lived closer and life in general seemed more flexible.

You are not unreasonable for wanting help but you are unreasonable for expecting from people who live abroad just because they are related. Don't let this be bitter. Keep going to the family meet ups. Enjoy them for what they are, there is no need cut anyone off.

Good luck with the new baby OP

Pigface1 · 21/05/2017 12:59

Unless I'm missing something (i.e. One of them actually lives up the road) YABU to call people 'unimaginable jerks' and propose never to see them again for not flying to another country to help you when you have a perfectly capable husband. Millions of women up and down the country have to manage in this way.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 21/05/2017 13:00

Yabu and very childish. You and your dh chose to have this baby, why should they all feel obligated to now pitch in??
As you say it's part of their culture, maybe they hate being forced into these obligations and just don't want to do it? As for that relative 'chiding' them, how ridiculous.

CoolCarrie · 21/05/2017 13:01

Know the saying, you can choose your friends, but not your family? This is a perfect example of that. Tell your friends the situation, don't be embrassed, you are not the one who should be, the fact that an elder member told them off about this, shows that your feelings are valid.
Get help from your friends op! Don't be afraid to ask.

Kokusai · 21/05/2017 13:05

Uh, this is really strange.

Why are you 'ashamed to admit' that you don't have any family in the Uk that can help.

You're pretty batshit to want real iced you don't know that we'll it even like to fly in from another country for your planned C section.

There are two healthy adults here... I'm sure between you and your DH you can work out how to feed yourselves.

And you said people have offered to look afte DD for you.

What more do you want?!?

witchofzog · 21/05/2017 13:07

They were unreasonable not to babysit when you were close to them and had to visit the hospital. But come on. Do you seriously expect them to fly from another country when you are having the baby leaving behind their own dcs, taking annual leave etc. Culture or not it is ridiculous to expect this. You and your husband will manage fine like thousands of other couples do every day

NellieFiveBellies · 21/05/2017 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalmItKermitt · 21/05/2017 13:12

What?? Get a grip!

Olympiathequeen · 21/05/2017 13:13

YABU. Fly hundreds of miles to help out post baby? Surely your husband can do all that?

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 21/05/2017 13:13

My DP family live around the corner and I've never asked them or expected them to help. Even when I was suffering from hypermesis with consistent hospital admissions. Yabu and selfish especially because they don't even live in the same country as you. These people have their own lives, it's not all about you and your precious c section.

Softkitty2 · 21/05/2017 13:20

YABU. If help is offered great but you don't expect it and get angry when it is not offered.

JustMumNowNotMe · 21/05/2017 13:30

Amazing! 😂😂

This post hits new heights of self-entitledness!

HildaOg · 21/05/2017 13:31

Yabvvvvvu. You want them to fly out to help you? People have their own lives, families, jobs, obligations, why on earth would they abandon their own lives and responsibilities, lose a lot of money not working and on travel to babysit for you? That is an utterly batshit expectation. You're extremely self centred and entitled. Get over yourself.

kmc1111 · 21/05/2017 13:34

I come from a culture where everyone's meant to rally round and support each other through everything, but that really only applies when you all live as a family in the same little spot. Once people start moving away and building 'nuclear' families instead of one big extended family, it all goes out the window. Which is completely fair enough. You can't ditch the basis of the culture and still expect to benefit from all the bits you'd find helpful.

Expecting your BIL's and SIL's to fly overseas because you're having a baby is ridiculous.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 21/05/2017 13:36

Don't be ridiculous. Why should your relatives drop everything and fly to another country whenever your breeding schedule dictates?

flumpybear · 21/05/2017 13:39

The day I had my section with my second child we dropped first child at nursery, had my section. Husband stayed for a few hours, collected DD then visited that night. He had two weeks off work .... no family were there to help, didn't even contemplate it?!

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 21/05/2017 13:39

When you say "come over to help" does this mean that you expect them to fly over and stay at your place whilst they help? Would you really want someone staying in your house like that when you have a newborn? Or would you expect them to pay for accommodation and come over and help as and when required?

I think you are being unreasonably here. I'm sure your family members would fly over and help you in a crisis, but not otherwise. You'll be fine with the two of you. Lots of people manage it.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 21/05/2017 13:40

YABVU, you want them to fly out to babysit because you added to your family. Sheer madness.

Spitting your dummy out because they won't do this makes you look childish and petty.

BoldKitties · 21/05/2017 13:45

Utterly ridiculous. You are saying that they have no 'common sense or, I don't know, decency' because they won't drop their children, jobs, or whatever other obligations they have to fly to another country to help you and your DH with your baby? Er, I think it might actually be you who's lacking in common sense.

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 21/05/2017 13:45

Oh for gods sakes

Try having a C Section with NO help at all after it .

Get a grip

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