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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never want to see my husbands family again

98 replies

user1495362060 · 21/05/2017 12:28

I am about to have my second baby via c section. Neither me nor my husband have parents who could help (his deceased, mine very ill). He has four siblings living abroad, some married, some single and a big extended family. I am an only child so no help from my side. His family members like to talk about the importance of keeping the family together since his parents died but it mostly means mandatory get togethers for special occasions and very little beyond that. To give an example not a single person from his extended family was available to babysit DD, even when we were staying nearby and I had to visit my dad in the hospital. However I try to keep in contact with them mostly for the sake of DD who likes the idea of having relatives. So we still visit them every time we come back and I got used to the situation.

So obviously I didn't expect any help after the operation this time around and indeed they didn't propose or even ask how we will get by. In principle ours is a family oriented culture so my friends keep assuming that some family member is coming over to help. I feel slightly uncomfortable/ashamed saying that no one is coming. However we have many friends who proposed to help, take DD overnight and bring meals, so it is fine.

Coming to the point of the story, it turns out some distant elderly relative chided my husbands siblings that no one is coming to help us, they should be ashamed, they should really come over, shell pay for the ticket etc. And I know about this because... they immediately wrote about this in a family chat which me and my husband are members of. In the sense that haha, she is so crazy, to expect we will fly to London. Inviting us to laugh with them. The conversation ended with them asking about my section date (I guess they didn't remember) and proposing we send the video of the birth as it happens...Nobody asked if we have help with DD, if we are OK or anything of the sort again.

I have to say once again that it is completely expected in their culture to help family members and they all receive such help with their kids from the other half parents usually. So it is not like it is foreign to them, it is just that they really don't think they should do anything.

Now I really don't know - on one hand it is nothing new and I didn't expect them to propose help. But I just don't know how to come there again and look at them with a straight face. I am just feeling sad to have to answer all these questions about our extended family or really hearing how people leave kids with family members etc and then come back there and meet these people who have no common sense or , I don't know, decency, to not at least invite me to laugh with them at the mere idea of them helping out. Or indeed to at least ask how me and my husband are coping. In short AIBU to just want to keep future contacts to a bare minimum? And anyway to think that they are unimaginable jerks?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 21/05/2017 13:45

Yabu you chose to have the children and you should be able to cope with then

Cadsuane · 21/05/2017 13:47

I think it was they way they expected the op and her DH to join in their ridiculing the elderly relative that has her looking at things again. A simple "there is no way I could get away from work/family right now" would have been perfectly reasonable. But to to turn it into laughing at an elderly relative would make me reevaluate my relationship with them.

Guavaf1sh · 21/05/2017 13:48

YABU

ZaphodBeeblerox · 21/05/2017 13:50

Oh OP, this is MN. Where no one ever owes you anything. GPs do you an absolute favour if they so much as look after your child for an hour a year and if you ever suggest you need help you shouldn't have had kids in the first place.

FWIW I understand you and I sympathise. I'm south Asian and it's completely expected that my mum or sister would fly over for an extended period of time to help post birth, followed by my MIL. And given your friends probably expect this too I understand how you feel silly asking them for help.

The only thing you don't mention is reciprocity - would you offer to / have you flown back to help any of these siblings? If they all live near each other and help each other out but you can't or haven't - then it isn't unreasonable that they assume like for like. Similarly with distant relatives. You can build a close relationship even with third or fourth cousins but it doesn't start with just expecting them to help you - first you have to build a relationship with them.

But, it's time to make for your DCs the kind of community you want and fashion that out of friendships. Tell your friends the truth and ask for help. And shrug off family that makes these insensitive remarks.

LagunaBubbles · 21/05/2017 13:51

Yabu. Clearly you dont like them. But I cant believe you expect people to take annual leave, and journeys, arrange childcare of their own etc to help you and your DH with a new baby! And this doesn't make them "jerks" either.

DasPepe · 21/05/2017 13:52

I totally understand and I don't think you are being unreasonable.
It totally makes sense that you feel they don't consider you as much of family as other members. People have their own lives, yes, but you should make an effort for these special and precious occasions.

My advice would be to say something now. Point out to them, in the same time way you did here that they are being mean and frankly cruel. No, you didn't expect their help, but neither is it nice to goad you on a chat, that they won't help. You're not strangers - you are family. Say something now, because no matter what happens in the future, you will always feel the bitterness of swallowing your words. Bridges can be burnt or built in the future and don't worry about this now. Just say your piece, so you don't keep worrying about it. Clear the air for yourself and then focus on your little ones and don't worry about it.

In the future you might have a good relationship with the rest of the family but if you don't say something now it might forever nag at you.

Ceto · 21/05/2017 13:52

Have all the people leaping in to bash the OP failed to read the bit which says So obviously I didn't expect any help after the operation this time around?

Rossigigi · 21/05/2017 13:53

batshit crazy post

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/05/2017 13:53

Yabu

DearMrDilkington · 21/05/2017 13:56

Yabu.

Why should they put their lives on hold to fly over to a different country and help you with a second child that you and your partner decided to have?

Don't be ridiculous.

Waltermittythesequel · 21/05/2017 13:57

Well Ceto she doesn't expect help, but wants to cut contact!

MatildaTheCat · 21/05/2017 14:00

I think OP is upset that the family wrote a message which was ridiculing her and her dh, not the fact that they aren't coming. She's accepted that even though she might, culturally have been expecting family support.

I think that cultural norms have changed in the last generation. So the older relation really is shocked that nobody is helping and the younger generation is ridiculing this way of thinking.

OP, that sound very rude to say all of that knowing you would see it. Keep a dignified silence and get dh to send a one sentence message when your new baby is born. It's a very hard time to have a baby when you have lost your own mum and often brings up sad emotions.

Ignore all the bitchy comments here, people haven't read the post properly.

MissShittyBennet · 21/05/2017 14:07

It sounds like the cultural norms you're operating within here are so different to those of most MNers that it would be difficult for most of us to understand where you're coming from. That's not to say the siblings should drop everything to observe them, but it might explain why you feel so upset. Which would chime in with the elderly relative's comments too. Is this your cultural background too though?

YANBU to be annoyed about them writing that in the chat you're all members of either way though. That's just rude.

Crunchymum · 21/05/2017 14:17

matilda whilst the OP may not be asking her relatives to fly out and help (she clearly hasn't asked for this) the expectation is there and that is why she is pissed off?

Also when you move country, how exactly are people meant to babysit for you / be hands on in your life?

The whole not having a babysitter when she went to visit her dad was mean though

DistanceCall · 21/05/2017 14:26

Oh OP, this is MN. Where no one ever owes you anything.

Erm, it's not MN, Zaphod. It's the real world. Once you are of legal age, in normal circumstances no one owes you anything. Least of all your in-laws.

If you go through life feeling that you are owed things, well, good luck with that level of entitledness.

Notmyrealname85 · 21/05/2017 14:27

OP I have sympathy for you - it's this learning curve about the hypocrisy of some families. "Oh we're amazing family!" but actually there's very little to show that!

And yes in some cultures flying out would be totally the done thing - especially when that same family gets respectability points from seeming so close without actually doing anything. Other families really would make a show of helping and that's the standard they're making out they're at.

Plus it's not the done thing to have a little joke once an older family member suggests guidance. Not very respectable

Yes I know a lot of us would say we gave birth with no one around, but it sounds like this isn't the culture that would do that. Sounds like a family losing its strength

Notmyrealname85 · 21/05/2017 14:30

Basically you can't just slap on a badge saying "we're a really respectable close family" and not perform the usual things to really show that. The older relative gets it

They need to either show up, or don't claim to be close by those cultural norms and try and win goodwill in the community for it

arethereanyleftatall · 21/05/2017 14:37

I also think yabu, unless you missed a bit in your op explaining why you need more help than the millions of parents who have no help and just get on with it, some of them with no partner.
Did you take annual leave to fly out to help them when they had children?

Whisky2014 · 21/05/2017 14:44

Lol

Atenco · 21/05/2017 14:55

I don't think the relatives were laughing at OP and her husband, they were laughing, as most of us are, at the elderly relative thinking that they should do this and I imagine they expected OP and her husband also to see this as ridiculous.

You have your husband there, OP, really that should be enough.

DomJolyNurse · 21/05/2017 14:58

Unless you would fly there if they were having an operation (and I doubt you would) I think you have to accept that your/DH generation in his family do not feel this obligation to you either.

gillybeanz · 21/05/2017 14:59

You are pretty much minimum contact anyway, compared to families who live near each other and visit daily.
I wouldn't expect family to have to travel so far to help out and can't understand why you would tbh.

However, I wouldn't be filming any birth, let alone sending them a copy
As pp have said plenty of other people manage, you'll be fine.

Do you think it's bothered you because you see other people with families to help out? If so, please look at all the threads of women who have given birth and experienced problems with family members, usually mil's.

Funnyonion17 · 21/05/2017 15:04

Yabu. I'm due to give birth any minute and other then the day of birth childcare i don't expect the troops to princess me afterwards

LedaP · 21/05/2017 15:05

I think it was they way they expected the op and her DH to join in their ridiculing the elderly relative that has her looking at things again.

No its not. Its clear its not.

And if my elderly relative suggested i flew to another country to help dbro out, both he and i would find it funny.

The family werent laughing at the OP. They were laughing at the suggestion that they flew in to help 2 adults. And olanned all the other stuff that went with it. The op clearly states they only see eachother at special occassions. They are exactly a very close family.

Can you imagine the aibu if they did fly in? 'Dh family only visit on special occassions, i am not very fond of them because they dont help when we need them too. Now they are saying they will fly in when my baby is born and stay 2/3/4 weeks to 'help out'. Aibu to tell them i dont eant them staying while i am trying to recover/breastfeed/ bond with baby etc'

terrylene · 21/05/2017 15:09

It does seem to be the norm for most families these days. Perhaps 'close' means you know what each other look like...........

However, they wouldn't be having an as it happens video of the arrival . They can make do with a photo in a birth announcement like anyone else. I am sure your DH will have better things on his mind at the time.

DHs have a lot more responsibility to get on and do things - used to get it taken off them. That is not a bad thing.

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