To never want to see my husbands family again

[user1495362060]

I am about to have my second baby via c section. Neither me nor my husband have parents who could help (his deceased, mine very ill). He has four siblings living abroad, some married, some single and a big extended family. I am an only child so no help from my side. His family members like to talk about the importance of keeping the family together since his parents died but it mostly means mandatory get togethers for special occasions and very little beyond that. To give an example not a single person from his extended family was available to babysit DD, even when we were staying nearby and I had to visit my dad in the hospital. However I try to keep in contact with them mostly for the sake of DD who likes the idea of having relatives. So we still visit them every time we come back and I got used to the situation.

So obviously I didn't expect any help after the operation this time around and indeed they didn't propose or even ask how we will get by. In principle ours is a family oriented culture so my friends keep assuming that some family member is coming over to help. I feel slightly uncomfortable/ashamed saying that no one is coming. However we have many friends who proposed to help, take DD overnight and bring meals, so it is fine.

Coming to the point of the story, it turns out some distant elderly relative chided my husbands siblings that no one is coming to help us, they should be ashamed, they should really come over, shell pay for the ticket etc. And I know about this because... they immediately wrote about this in a family chat which me and my husband are members of. In the sense that haha, she is so crazy, to expect we will fly to London. Inviting us to laugh with them. The conversation ended with them asking about my section date (I guess they didn't remember) and proposing we send the video of the birth as it happens...Nobody asked if we have help with DD, if we are OK or anything of the sort again.

I have to say once again that it is completely expected in their culture to help family members and they all receive such help with their kids from the other half parents usually. So it is not like it is foreign to them, it is just that they really don't think they should do anything.

Now I really don't know - on one hand it is nothing new and I didn't expect them to propose help. But I just don't know how to come there again and look at them with a straight face. I am just feeling sad to have to answer all these questions about our extended family or really hearing how people leave kids with family members etc and then come back there and meet these people who have no common sense or , I don't know, decency, to not at least invite me to laugh with them at the mere idea of them helping out. Or indeed to at least ask how me and my husband are coping. In short AIBU to just want to keep future contacts to a bare minimum? And anyway to think that they are unimaginable jerks?

I dont think you are BU to hope someone from your dh's family might be in a position to offer to help or even just ask if you have help rather than see it as a joke. Of course OP will cope but that's hardly the point. I live in Belgium and had to have complete bed rest for weeks when pregnant with all three of mine. One of my friends organised child care for her children so she could come over and spend a week at mine to help me out. I would never have expected this but was delighted she not only asked if I had help but also came over to help.

It is just that it would have been nice if they proposed just for the sake of propriety, so I could politely refuse and we all save face

So you wanted to be able to turn them down? That makes even less sense.

The elderly relative thing is a joke because its just not as simple as 'lets hop on a plane and spend weeks helping out dbro and dsil', but the elderly relative hasnt thought the logistics through.

Not because 'oh my god....its so funny that relative thought we would bother helping you'

Trying to be deliberately vague but half my family is from another culture and it is usual practice to travel to see the baby/help out.

Mine and DH's parents live within 10 miles of us so no help needed but yes further afield family are planning on coming over. I'm only 22 weeks and I've had a premature birth and suffered a neonatal loss. It's just made me even more fucking anxious about the whole thing.

I'm thrilled by the prospect of course. Swap you OP?

Thanks to people who actually took care to read the post.

The point is, this post is about keeping appearances, not the actual substance. That is, I never received any real help from his side of the family since his mum passed away. I still invest an effort into keeping contact with them spending at least two days a year visiting them, sending presents and liking their pictures of Facebook. What I expected in return is a polite inquiry how I am going to cope to which I would answer that I am fine. And definitely not an invitation to laugh at the mere idea that I might need help.

By the way all of my friends are not from the UK and did have relatives fly in for the birth, usually both mum and MIL or FIL. They are American, Greek, German , South American, Japanese and Middle Eastern. SO I am not sure whether it is really that unusual.

I think expecting them to say they will come in order for you to refuse it is slightly off the wall.

I would never offer that with no thought I would do it. I think that would be much worse. How would they know you'd refuse? What if you said yes please and then they said they'd only offered on the basis you'd refuse? I think you'd feel much more indignant.

Maybe you should focus less on "keeping up appearances"

Um UnbornMortificado, exactly what do you want to swap on? Having no grandparents on either side as opposed to having four people ready to help living within a drivable distance?

Yeah, it's really nice to have relative who genuinely care about you. I know they might be annoying, but the alternative isn't fun, believe me.

Yes but unfortunately your dh doesnt have any parents alive. You say its usually the mum, mil and fil.

I take it you think your culture should dictate that one of the siblings takes over the parent role as the parents have passed away. But that isnt always possible. Especially if parents pass away when their children are relatively young and have tgeir own families. Where (in a lot of cases) both parents work. Some people dont want tge responsibility thrown on them.

Just because something is your culture doesnt make it right. Head to the relationship boards where peoples marriagre are falling apart because the dh is expected to put his parents first.

Culture can be great. It can also put unfair expectations on to people and be damaging.

This doesn't make sense, OP. Surely they weren't laughing at your expectation you might be helped by them, only their elderly relative's idea that they would naturally be flying from another country to do so? Which presumably you would hate if offered, as you don't like them, and don't have much contact with them, anyway, and in any case weren't expecting anything? You say yourself that it has tended in your circle to be parents and PILs who flew in to help, but your DH's parents are dead, and he doesn't sound that close to his siblings. I live in a different country to all my siblings, and it would never even occur to me that anyone might expect me to fly in after a CS to help out.

Are you, as an only child, overestimating the closeness of the relationship between your DH and his siblings?

I still don't quite see why you're so cross about it all. Best wishes with the CS.

This is the strangest thread I've seen in a long time

But it's parents who fly in, not siblings. And wow. Two whole days a year. How generous of you.

I guess that the OP is better able to judge the tone of the conversation the ILs were having than we are, since she hasn't posted it verbatim on here (and nor should she).

However, there may be an element of pregnancy hormones involved as well - creating an extra layer of sensitivity - but even so.

It is crass to have invited the OP and her DH to laugh at the expectation that they should help, when they obviously weren't going to, or even offer to. It is thoughtless not to check and say "but you don't need any help anyway, do you OP?" even if they had no intention of coming, and even if the OP had no intention of letting them - it's the THOUGHT that counts, and they didn't.

I think op is cross because she's hurt they assume she doesn't need any help and doesn't ask after her. Then expect to receive a film of the actual birth. They are making out they are close enough to her to have some kind of "in family" joke whilst at the same time not treating her like family when she visits them. The theme seems to be that she and her children are not important to them and the mail was a reminder of this.

OP I would never ever offer what you're asking because I couldn't fulfil it. What if you said yes?!
What's the etiquette for then having to take away the offer?

You may be all about what other people think about you (are you sure people actually care?)
But they clearly don't. Why should they say or do things to keep appearances up for you?

In the sense that haha, she is so crazy, to expect we will fly to London

Op clearly says they were laughing because the relatives idea was crazy to fly to london. Not crazy because the OP isnt deserving of their help......that she doesnt want anyway and would have declined.

Tbh I don't think you're going to get much sympathetic response on here because most users are white Brits and the culture is different. All my family are in the UK but the only help I had when my babies were born was from a friend, who provided a night of babysitting for my eldest when I was in labour with my second. If family had wanted to stay with me after the birth I'd have found it an intolerable burden!

That said, my Indian SIL definitely didn't think to offer help either, or even ask how I was going to cope - nor would it have occurred to me that she might. I'd be astounded at the idea that she or anyone would fly halfway around the world to help me out when I had a husband and friends nearby who could do everything needed. I honestly don't think she would take such a suggestion seriously either.

Do you offer such help to them? Or do you assume that they're all taking care of each other and you don't have to? It really sounds like they don't view you as part of their mutual support network, which given the physical distance between you is at least understandable, surely, even if it's not what you would prefer.

It was clearly a light hearted comment

I'd prefer they waited till I was a "safe" gestation before booking flights. Considering I've had two late losses I don't think that's unreasonable.

Other people not having a supportive family doesn't stop me feeling smothered by mine.

So in this culture, it's normally the mother who helps?

Is that perhaps why they haven't offered? Because they are siblings.

Wtf? You want them to propose to come just to save face? How would they know you'd say no? It would be very rude to offer to come over when that's just not possible for them. People can't drop their entire lives, children, spouse, job and hop on a plane to give you princess treatment and they can't offer what they can't do!!!

Fgs. This is ridiculous.

I had to manage on one child plus an emergency C-section. Had to rely on DD school friend for a sleep over whilst my husband was there for the birth. We didn't have help with either birth.

To go back to the OP, I can understand why you are a bit miffed at the lack of support given that apparently, this is the way of your culture. However, given that they've always been like this and you don't seem to like them much either, I would just carry on with the distant, polite stuff. And why would you want people like this helping you out, anyway?

Hmmm, I think you need to accept that they've moved on from previous cultural norms since the elder generation passed away. You don't say where they would be flying from but even in traditional societies, like my in laws, there's definitely been a shift towards a more western way of viewing what constitutes reasonable and unreasonable expectations for taking time off and flying in. So I think the advice given here is in general fair enough and you need to rise above it, manage in a dignified way and give everyone the happy news in a way of your choice.

Not sure many surgeons will be happy about you filming unless you chat it through first btw. Don't expect to just whip the camera out on the day.

Wow mean !

OP is an orphan with no siblings . Of
Course she will feel sad about not having Immediate family to help her

OP they are not BU but completely understand how you feel