AIBU to stop cooking separate meals for 10 year old DSD *long*

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DSD (10) is a very fussy eater to put it mildly, her mother and I get on well and between us adults (including DH) we have, over the years jointly decided to put no pressure on her to eat because, well because of all the good reasons there are for not putting pressure on children around food.

She eats a rotation of two meals when she stays here, plain pasta with cheese or egg fried rice.

For lunch she will eat either greggs pizza or breadsticks and bits of fruit.

Greens are always offered and she will eat one of them if reminded.

She loves biscuits, yoghurts, chocolate and cereal as most kids do.

Anyway, I had my first baby 4 months ago and will be starting to introduce some solid foods when I go back to work. My plan is to have my baby eat what we adults eat (very high in veg diet)

I'm worried that my DD will see her half sister's eating a plate of beige food and want to follow suit.

DSD is VERY thin, pale, low mood often and is now getting a bit spotty too.

Tonight I cooked a stir-fry of all the veg I know she eats (because her mother told me) and lots of noodles with the option to put soy sauce on as she loves this with her usual rice dish. DH and I had the same but with more flavoursome sauces.

It was quite a strong move because normally DSD is asked what she would like and her dad cooks it just the way she likes it (very precise recipe not to be deviated from in any way and exactly the same dish for 8 years!)

She ate quite well but then began to dig her heels in and started picking tiny bits of broccoli out (typical fussy eater style) I was just happy she had eaten as much as she did (nearly all the veg and most of the noodles) as irritating as the picking is.

Her dad made her stay at the table for ages and this dark atmosphere eventually clouded the room, where a battle of wills commenced between them. I would have just left it knowing that she'd eaten more veg in that one sitting than I'd seen her do in years.

She got up after drinking the water her dad had asked her to finish and slammed her glass down on the table and stropped off.

I (and I very rarely tell her off) told her that I didn't like that attitude and that she wouldn't be allowed to play on her iPad if she did that again. She was mortified to have been told off by me and has been sheepish with me for the rest of the evening.

What annoys me is that DH has spent the evening there after apologising, giving her cakes that her mum brought round and generally playing good cop and here I am the bad guy sat on the other sofa while they cuddle up eating cakes.

It bewilders me that DH is so uninterested in nutrition when he has read every book about child rearing and parenting you can think of, such a blind spot. He seems to think that thin means healthy

DSD said half way through dinner tonight, oh I'll just make myself a fruit salad instead which is obviously something her mum does with her.

Sorry this has turned out so long I just want my own DD to have a positive attitude towards food and good behaviour at the table so AIBU to from now on just give DSD what we have, regardless of whether she likes it or not?

PS for years I've just wanted her to feel comfortable when she comes to stay (which is every weekend and every Wednesday) but now I need my DD to have good role models. AIBU?

TIA

I don't enjoy saying horrible things to people but I speak plainly, especially on the Internet. People do seem to love to espouse their opinions so much that they don't bother reading or digesting the words of the OP.

Talk to DH and her mum to try and find a balanced ground i.e. Not force her but she needs to eat properly for herself especially as she becomes a teenager and mental health becomes more troublesome with hormones and exams and also for your own child. I'm sure they'll understand.

I'd also suggest taking her to the GP and explaining the situation and getting them to do blood work. After all she is 10 I think you've been very soft with her and if she realises that she's most likely deficient in something and could get ill it might make her realise that she needs to over come this. May also show DH she's not healthy.

I don't think you're being unreasonable your child should eat a balanced diet with as much veggies as possible at first maybe disguises stuff so if there's something mixed in with the adults food and your baby's but you can't see it but DSD will complain if it's there don't put it in and no one will know but eventually give her the exact same.

Why on earth did you let your DH treat her so badly at the table when you knew how well she had done with that meal? Why didn't you step in and let her leave the table after she'd eaten more vegetables than you had seen her eat in years? If you don't all get your act together you are going to really screw her up.

I would read the book "how to get your child to eat...but not too much by Ellyn Satter. She would say to put the plate of food in front of dsd and make no comment about what she does or doesn't eat. Everyone eats the same meal but you would serve her favourite two meals a couple of times a week (or as a side with other meals)

Mealtimes were becoming a battle, so our current rules are 1) he has to sit at the table 2) he has to say thank you to who ever cooked and 3) he has to ask to get down (we don't have a time he has to stay at the table yet as he's quite young)

charleston. What you said to me was unkind and unwarranted. I interpreted the op and the responses differently from you as I am an individual. If you don't enjoy being nasty to others, it would be considerate to think before posting pointed messages insulting their intelligence or education of which you know nothing.

I actually find it a bit odd that your dh had that reaction to her eating some vegetables

From the point of view of your baby they will pick up on the tension at the table much more than what is on each person's plate. Whatever you choose to do, try to keep meal times as stress free as possible for the baby's sake, so that they don't associate food with conflict.

hairyhands

Ds1 is like your DD. He has some quite restrictive rules around food but manages to eat some reasonably balanced meals, even if they are so repetitive he gets bored of them.

Ds2 is beige food boy. He had no interest in food until 9 months. We had more misses than hits with weaning. Then he hit toddler hood and stopped eating veg entirely. He couldn't even look at it without gagging. Getting protein into him became impossible. He went through periods of only eating peanut butter toast and one brand of oven chips. So we introduced nuggets and fish fingers cooked nice and crispy and he eventually accepted them. he's 11, now and has expanded his diet to include cooked fruit, carrot muffins and unprocessed meat. He'll also eat sufficiently crispy roast potatoes and onion rings. And eggs, so long as they're fried, with the yolk set. Not scrambled and difinitely not boiled.

He has progressed with veg to the point that he can pick it up and put it on my plate without gagging.

So yeah, you are being a bit of an arse. Your DD is one autistic child.

It's your DH who is the problem. I can't believe how he treated her after she'd made progress. It's bizarre.

Mealtimes should not turn into a battle of the wills. Reward with praise/positivity when she tries something, don't say anything when she doesn't. If you make a big deal of it all, she gets to exercise a lot of control over family mealtimes, which is quite undesirable.

With regards the baby, perhaps get DSD involved in helping out so it becomes a bonding exercise. She could help if she knows how to make fruit salad. You could start to get her to try things the baby is trying and perhaps use a reward chart as well for a bit of fun.

My cousin was a really fuss eater. He would only eat chicken, cucumber, or cheese and tomato pizza, yet as an adult he eats normally. He just has some foods he dislikes, just like a person who might not like lamb or fish or mushrooms or something.

I have a fussy eater. She has an ASC. Her accepted foods have become more and more restricted as time has gone on and her diet is dreadful.
How did it get that way? How did chicken nuggets/goujons become her food of choice? She ate them at a friends and liked them and I was so fucking chuffed that there was a food she liked that I cooked them too.
Her diet is not as restrictive as some but she has PDA traits and I have chosen not too fight about food as I have so many other battles to fight.
So, if I cook a roast dinner, no matter what meat I cook we have chipolata sausages and yorkshire puddings as she adores those. Over the years she has gradually been willing to try the meat and she will eat carrots and the minutest smidge of broccoli. Plus my gravy which she would live on if it were possible.
When we eat together as a family I serve everything in bowls and I think she likes the control of choosing what to have and how much.
Interestingly enough she has recently tried a mild chicken curry (sadly a 'ping' type meal as I cannot, for the life of me, cook a curry of any sort that actually tastes nice) and prawns coated in tempura batter.
When I introduce a new family dish I make sure I serve it with things she likes as well.
I think OP is coming from a good place. Dealing with restrictive diets is so hard, especially when you read places like Mumsnet and have it laid out plain and clear what an awful parent you are for allowing a child to become fussy in the first place. I think her DH made a situation that bwasm going well go wrong by being an arse.

DH is definitely the one who set everything on the wrong track there. I agree with previous posters about keeping things positive. Honestly the fact that she likes making fruit salad is, I think, something you could really build on. I bet she'd love helping prep some fruit for everyone's dessert, and when baby is weaning. Really get her involved.

My DD sometimes has separate meals at her dad's. In theory they should be cooked by ex, in reality it's usually OW. However, that's because DD and I don't do dairy and don't do certain meat. Dietary things like that, fine, pickiness, no. YANBU.