AIBU to stop cooking separate meals for 10 year old DSD *long*

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DSD (10) is a very fussy eater to put it mildly, her mother and I get on well and between us adults (including DH) we have, over the years jointly decided to put no pressure on her to eat because, well because of all the good reasons there are for not putting pressure on children around food.

She eats a rotation of two meals when she stays here, plain pasta with cheese or egg fried rice.

For lunch she will eat either greggs pizza or breadsticks and bits of fruit.

Greens are always offered and she will eat one of them if reminded.

She loves biscuits, yoghurts, chocolate and cereal as most kids do.

Anyway, I had my first baby 4 months ago and will be starting to introduce some solid foods when I go back to work. My plan is to have my baby eat what we adults eat (very high in veg diet)

I'm worried that my DD will see her half sister's eating a plate of beige food and want to follow suit.

DSD is VERY thin, pale, low mood often and is now getting a bit spotty too.

Tonight I cooked a stir-fry of all the veg I know she eats (because her mother told me) and lots of noodles with the option to put soy sauce on as she loves this with her usual rice dish. DH and I had the same but with more flavoursome sauces.

It was quite a strong move because normally DSD is asked what she would like and her dad cooks it just the way she likes it (very precise recipe not to be deviated from in any way and exactly the same dish for 8 years!)

She ate quite well but then began to dig her heels in and started picking tiny bits of broccoli out (typical fussy eater style) I was just happy she had eaten as much as she did (nearly all the veg and most of the noodles) as irritating as the picking is.

Her dad made her stay at the table for ages and this dark atmosphere eventually clouded the room, where a battle of wills commenced between them. I would have just left it knowing that she'd eaten more veg in that one sitting than I'd seen her do in years.

She got up after drinking the water her dad had asked her to finish and slammed her glass down on the table and stropped off.

I (and I very rarely tell her off) told her that I didn't like that attitude and that she wouldn't be allowed to play on her iPad if she did that again. She was mortified to have been told off by me and has been sheepish with me for the rest of the evening.

What annoys me is that DH has spent the evening there after apologising, giving her cakes that her mum brought round and generally playing good cop and here I am the bad guy sat on the other sofa while they cuddle up eating cakes.

It bewilders me that DH is so uninterested in nutrition when he has read every book about child rearing and parenting you can think of, such a blind spot. He seems to think that thin means healthy

DSD said half way through dinner tonight, oh I'll just make myself a fruit salad instead which is obviously something her mum does with her.

Sorry this has turned out so long I just want my own DD to have a positive attitude towards food and good behaviour at the table so AIBU to from now on just give DSD what we have, regardless of whether she likes it or not?

PS for years I've just wanted her to feel comfortable when she comes to stay (which is every weekend and every Wednesday) but now I need my DD to have good role models. AIBU?

TIA

She did do really well with the meal yes. I think I'll rethink the same meals as us thing but just make sure theres definitely more veg with the meals she does like. Thanks all.

That sounds a really unhealthy diet. Being vegetarian is a perfectly good choice but you have to be careful to eat a good variety of different things in order to get all the B vits, iron etc - otherwise she needs some meat. It sounds like she could well be anaemic if she is thin, pale and low in herself. Everybody has likes and dislikes but allowing her such a controlled and restricted diet seems to me not at all a good idea, as it will reinforce in her the idea that she is unable to eat anything else. I would try and work outwards from the things she will eat to try and broaden her palate - so for example try spaghetti Bolognese, but don't mix the sauce with the pasta at first. And remember that it can take 10 attempts to get to like a new food. How about thinking of things you might be feeding the baby and start introducing those? Eg some different soups or scrambled egg with toast. You won't be giving the baby anything exotic or spicy to start with so there shouldn't be anything to scare a fussy eater. Don't make a big thing of it either. Very unhelpful for the child's relationship with you if your dh makes food into an 'issue'. But ultimately her diet is not your responsibility and if she won't eat what you are making for the family, her dad will have to take over preparing her food.

Have you told her how proud you were of her tonight? To be honest I would try just trying to expand her repertoire a tiny bit so now she has three meals - pasta, rice, stir fry. She stays with you three days, so horray DSD is here DD, that means it is pasta Wednesday. You can eat whatever you like on the nights she isn't there so I would plough the variety in there whilst adding the occasional veg etc to other meals with her so add some sweetcorn to the pasta etc.

I would guess it will be another 18 months at least before your dd has any idea that her sister only eats those three meals, by which time dsd might be in secondary school exposed to all sorts of different ideas about food and might eat more.

For a child with texture issues you can't suddenly plonk a new plate down and expect her to eat it. It may not be about control at the moment but it might become about control too.

Give her what you're having when she's at yours (within reason - ie like the vege stir fry you thought she'd like).

He mum can give her what she wants when shes at hers.

Your house your rules but i must say in year 10, I wouldn't have all the staying at the table conflict/Rubbish. She can eat it if she's hungry and if not she can get down.. Give her her favourite dessert or something to make her feel welcome..

My 7yo is picky. We have an agreement that he can pick out / not be served the bits of a meal that he doesn't like, but he can't refuse to eat foods he has happily eaten before. If he doesn't like the whole meal, he has to try a little bit, and then can have toast or cereal plus fruit and/or veg.

Several of our regular meals we do similar to your stir fry. Our pasta might have loads of veg in it, his is served first plain and he'll choose different (easy - raw or frozen) veg to have with it. Or he chooses not to have any rice and have a wrap instead.

We also meal plan together, so there will be a couple of meals a week that he loves.

Sounds like you dsd was quite receptive to the new food until her dad put his foot in it. Maybe you could do one meal a week that is new and one that is safe?

YABU to want to change this child's diet because you now have a child of your own.

She doesn't need to eat meat, she just needs a more varied diet. Unless there is a specific SEN, just give her a meal and let her get on with it but let her know that there is nothing else if she turns it down.

As far as your daughter is concerned when she is old enough, this is the food. Try it. If you try it and you really don't like it, then there's something else on the plate to try. If you don't, there's nothing else.

No alternative or straight to dessert for either of them. You are not running a restaurant. This is simply not an an issue in the rest of Europe.

There could be other issues at play. My dd (same age) eats really well at home but eats very little when she goes to her father's house.

Yabu it sounds as if she has a selective eating disorder

This.

I was gonna post this exact same thing as soon as I read what she ate. My DD14 has the same thing. It gets worse when she's unhappy or worried.

Atm she will only eat cheese toasties (has to be double Gloucester cheese and Hovis soft white bread) dipped into tomato and basil soup (normal tomato is not acceptable) or a smoothie with apple juice, apple slices and blueberries. I have a bit of a leeway with this one, she'll accept fresh or frozen berries and any brand apple juice but the fresh apples must be golden delicious.

Prior to this it was only tinned curry with boiled rice.

CAHMS advised us the best way to deal with it is let her get on with it. Anything else is just making her focus on the issue more and means she'll be more likely to dig her heels in over trying new things.

I cook her dinner, if she eats it, awesome, if not she makes herself a toastie and soup. Without the option to eat the chosen food of the moment she will literally starve herself to the point of illness.

her fathers attitude there was the issue.
but, on the whole, yabu to unilaterally decide that because YOU are having a baby, your DSD's routine should be disrupted. Kids who issues around food often are afraid and if you push too hard, you may end up in a worse situation than you are now. It's not her problem you are having a new baby, its yours and her dads to manage them both with differing needs.
I have 2 children that will eat just about anything, and one with severe food issues. Is it a ballache making seperate meals? yes. but that doesn't mean he should be punished for my choice to have more kids around.

Ugh I'm a good step mum. We are all fumbling along trying to balance the needs of our loved ones.
I'm off.

Lots of people with selective eating have siblings who have a healthy and varied diet. Your sd may not have that much influence but rather than suddenly trying to change things, it would be better to provide her normal staples but add extra things to try on the side and then praise for trying new things. That way your DD well also be learn that trying new things is a good thing.

Yes, my younger DD eats normally. She did last week mention that she was going to 'start being a fussy eater like sister'. I calmly explained that sister isn't fussy, she is ill and fussiness is not the same. She accepted my reasoning and happily tucked into her broccoli.

Obviously it's partly to do with ops own child but has anyone ever considered op might think it would do dsd good to eat something that isn't fried rice of plain pasta? Not exactly healthy nutritional dishes are they.

Oh no that's right op is a step mum and therefore she must only want to do this for selfish reasons.

Never mind that op was happy with what dsd did eat today and her frankly idiotic dad was the one who kept her at the table and then fed her cake instead. Oh no all ops fault.

Yes, a really good time to put your foot down over an issue that had been going on for years is just when she gets a brand new half sibling who gets to live with her dad full time.

It's a wonderful way to make her feel loved and important at an incredibly vulnerable time in her life. It will also really help her bond with her new sibling as along with her arrival came pressure over eating food she doesn't like.

Why on earth do you think now is the time for this, you will damage your family beyond repair.

Yanbu.

She's 10!

Going to secondary school soon.

Cook what you want for dinner and offer it, if not then she gets nothing. give her three meals that she can veto.

I would absolutely not change the way you treat your step-daughter because of your new baby. Can't you see what a disaster that would be?

Your DH should have praised her for giving it a shot. The subsequent events stemmed from that.

YANBU to want her to have a better diet. But your DH handled it badly. In the wider context, your timing could have been better- she is bound to be feeling a bit vulnerable just now.

Oh no that's right op is a step mum and therefore she must only want to do this for selfish reasons.

Actually, it's because she stated three times in her OP that she only wants to do it because of her baby. Have another read:

I just want my own DD to have a positive attitude towards food and good behaviour at the table so AIBU to from now on just give DSD what we have, regardless of whether she likes it or not?

Such a shame your DH ruined by pushing. It sounds like you made a really positive step by getting her to eat something new and he ruined it by pushing her to finish.

Don't make big changes in the wake of a huge argument so that she feels attacked and like she is being forced to do something out of anger, it will just be destructive and ingrain her issues.

Could you wait until everything has calmed down then do what you were doing anyway and slightly adapt your own meals so they fit in with her needs too? Then gradually start adapting them less and less?

It sounds like what you were initially doing had the potential to really bear fruit and help her get eating more variety. Such a shame it was undermined by DH.

I would absolutely not change the way you treat your step-daughter because of your new baby. Can't you see what a disaster that would be?

She should change it because SDD is currently acting like a spoil the 4 year old instead then. Either way kid is not going to know the difference.

I agree with an earlier OP, this is about control and she is exercising what little control she has through food. My DD developed an eating disorder which I believe was partly contributed by my DH who would constantly nag DD at the dinner table, her response = she stopped eating! We had to work hard to restore meal times as a positive relaxed occasion and not a war zone over food. Fortunately we have turned things around but DD became very poorly first. Talk to DH and make him realise the consequences of his actions.

Regardless of the arrival of the baby, the very poor eating habits of the DSD do need addressing urgently. Her diet is very unhealthy and it will affect her long term health as well as her more immediate health.
It's very encouraging that DSD did so well with the stir fry this evening and should be showered with much praise for taking the all important step of trying new food and actually eating it. DH should apologise for making an issue out of the noodles.
Put this back on the menu weekly, and then ask her what else she may want to try, and build it up gradually. If she wants to help with the baby, maybe get her involved in feeding her, and it may help DSD too...

Obviously it's partly to do with ops own child but has anyone ever considered op might think it would do dsd good to eat something that isn't fried rice of plain pasta? Not exactly healthy nutritional dishes are they

Oh no that's right op is a step mum and therefore she must only want to do this for selfish reasons

Of course in an ideal world it would be better, but thats not the reality, I cook healthy well balanced meals, but my DS will not eat them, he gets so upset when you take him too far out of his comfort zone too quickly. I'm simply saying you have to do things slowly. What the OP did today was great, what her DH did wasn't.
Her DSD needs to gently be helped, not just thrown in the deep end of unfamiliar foods as it doesn't work.
it's nothing to do with being spoiled, or pandered too, or anything else. It's just harder for some people to eat things they don't like/aren't used to.

YABU.

So you've cooked her separate food since forever but now her new half sibling comes along and she suddenly has to try new food,not only that but when she DOES eat the food she gets nagged at for not eating every last bit of it. I really feel for her.
Did you warn her about the routine change?
Your dd is not going to notice what she's eating for a long while yet.