AIBU to stop cooking separate meals for 10 year old DSD *long*

[cupthejunction]

DSD (10) is a very fussy eater to put it mildly, her mother and I get on well and between us adults (including DH) we have, over the years jointly decided to put no pressure on her to eat because, well because of all the good reasons there are for not putting pressure on children around food.

She eats a rotation of two meals when she stays here, plain pasta with cheese or egg fried rice.

For lunch she will eat either greggs pizza or breadsticks and bits of fruit.

Greens are always offered and she will eat one of them if reminded.

She loves biscuits, yoghurts, chocolate and cereal as most kids do.

Anyway, I had my first baby 4 months ago and will be starting to introduce some solid foods when I go back to work. My plan is to have my baby eat what we adults eat (very high in veg diet)

I'm worried that my DD will see her half sister's eating a plate of beige food and want to follow suit.

DSD is VERY thin, pale, low mood often and is now getting a bit spotty too.

Tonight I cooked a stir-fry of all the veg I know she eats (because her mother told me) and lots of noodles with the option to put soy sauce on as she loves this with her usual rice dish. DH and I had the same but with more flavoursome sauces.

It was quite a strong move because normally DSD is asked what she would like and her dad cooks it just the way she likes it (very precise recipe not to be deviated from in any way and exactly the same dish for 8 years!)

She ate quite well but then began to dig her heels in and started picking tiny bits of broccoli out (typical fussy eater style) I was just happy she had eaten as much as she did (nearly all the veg and most of the noodles) as irritating as the picking is.

Her dad made her stay at the table for ages and this dark atmosphere eventually clouded the room, where a battle of wills commenced between them. I would have just left it knowing that she'd eaten more veg in that one sitting than I'd seen her do in years.

She got up after drinking the water her dad had asked her to finish and slammed her glass down on the table and stropped off.

I (and I very rarely tell her off) told her that I didn't like that attitude and that she wouldn't be allowed to play on her iPad if she did that again. She was mortified to have been told off by me and has been sheepish with me for the rest of the evening.

What annoys me is that DH has spent the evening there after apologising, giving her cakes that her mum brought round and generally playing good cop and here I am the bad guy sat on the other sofa while they cuddle up eating cakes.

It bewilders me that DH is so uninterested in nutrition when he has read every book about child rearing and parenting you can think of, such a blind spot. He seems to think that thin means healthy

DSD said half way through dinner tonight, oh I'll just make myself a fruit salad instead which is obviously something her mum does with her.

Sorry this has turned out so long I just want my own DD to have a positive attitude towards food and good behaviour at the table so AIBU to from now on just give DSD what we have, regardless of whether she likes it or not?

PS for years I've just wanted her to feel comfortable when she comes to stay (which is every weekend and every Wednesday) but now I need my DD to have good role models. AIBU?

TIA

I can relate to what you say about DSD. My DD only eats a very limited number of mainly beige foods (although that is beginning to widen slowly) and foods of a certain texture. We have been going to SALT for the last few years to help her with it. One of the key things we have been taught is to all eat together. We all pass around bowls of food that are on the centre of the table in family style servings and she can help herself. DD will always have a small portion of our food and have a portion of her safe/preferred foods at the side of her plate.
The aim is that she will eventually model our behaviour and try non preferred foods. My DD is a lot younger than your DSD so she likes to participate and wash her hands at the table. She will also help us wipe up after even if she feels she can't eat the actual meal she can participate. The aim is to make her feel comfortable and included. We never push her although I know how frustrating and worrying it is. If I was your DH I would have been really pleased she'd managed to eat so much of a meal she didn't usually eat and left it at that.
The eating cakes afterwards with your DH only reinforces the fact that she doesn't need to try new foods as she will get a preferred food anyway afterwards. Shouting and getting frustrated will not help either as they can use it as a way of control as a previous poster says. I do however appreciate how difficult it is!
In regards to your DD I guess you can only keep on giving her healthy choices and offering them to DSD. Watching this part with interest as currently pregnant myself and will have similar issues in a years time.
Good luck and sorry for the long post.

Can someone just explain to me (and I have a child with ASD and sensory issues so I don't think I'm talking complete bollocks), how it ever gets to a situation where a child only eats some kind of shit beige food?

Surely in order for them to form a preference for this type of food it has to have been offered in the first place? And I'm not being a sanctimonious arse here, I'm really not, I have a child with food issues, but I've always just made good food that I've put on the table in serving dishes and people help themselves, she certainly has a more restricted diet than the rest of us, but she still has a good and varied diet.

Please tell me if I'm being an arse here.

If it reassures you, DD1 is a fussy eater with veg and won't eat it unless it is incorporated and hidden into a meal.

DD2 on the other hand, loves all veg and eats very well, despite one or two 'I didn't want broccoli etc.' when she sees DD1 (who she idolises) isn't having any.

I try to ignore the fact DD1 isn't eating veg and instead praise DD2 for eating hers. It's working so far.

DD had severe CMPA and reflux which resulted in her ng tube fed for over a year. She was put onto Neocate eventually and refused completely to drink it. She then refused all food and drink and was subsequently didn't wean until she was around 14 months. Then one day she sucked a baby crisp. I can't tell you the happiness I felt that day. We tried baby led weaning but she was/still is quite happy to skip meals until she gets to the point where her body starts to shut down. She just wouldn't even touch most foods. It was a long process even teaching her how to eat and drink. Out of all the foods she's ever been offered she's only really ever eaten hard beige foods although beginning to widen now. She has always been offered a variety. She's been under the care of the children's hospital since 5 weeks old and has been going to SALT which we pay for privately since she was one. When you see your child dehydrate and become drowsy because of lack of food and drink and you know there is something they will eat it's very difficult not to offer it. I have seen people frown at me and I find meals out even with close friends very difficult as she will never eat anything. Having a child with an oral aversion is very difficult and we feel constantly judged by it. This is our story anyway never thought in a million years this would happen but that's just how it is and we're trying to work through it.

Along the lines of Ilikeyourhairyhands question, why is it that whenever these threads come along (and it's quite often) the food in question is always unhealthy food? I can understand the control aspect e.g a particular type or brand of bread /apple whatever, but it's never "will only eat steamed broccoli with brown rice and poached organic salmon followed by fresh multi fruit salad". How does this get started? How does it occur to the parents of a child with food issues to "I know, let's see if s/he will eat a Big Mac"?

Your dsd doesn't immediately have to eat the diet her stepmother decides because there is another child in the family. She needs to be treated with love and care. If she ate the vegetables, which are a new food, I don't think she has selective eating disorder. But I'm no expert so I could be wrong. To me, she sounds more like a child, who has not been encouraged to try new things and I say this as a mother to a fussy eater, who would only eat one or two foods for a baby then switch to something else every couple of months and wouldn't eat lumps till she was 2 and a half.

Your dh really eff'd up last night and I hope he will put it right today. Your dsd did incredibly well to eat all of the vegetables and the atmostphere for her seems to have been dreadful.

Are you coming back? I'm only asking because the last thing you said "I'm off". No one criticised you as a stepmother the reaction was as though someone did.

Hairyhands in my case dd2 was failing to thrive. At 18mo she only weighed 7.5 kg.

Up until that point I had persisted with only offering healthy foods and bf. Tried every which way to get her to eat. She would barely touch solid food and was basically relying on bf which obviously wasn't adequate at that age. She wouldn't drink milk, toddler formula anything.

When we went to sleep school the nurses had a similar attitude to many on here "only offer her one choice, she'll eat it when she gets hungry enough". Nope. When we left after 3 days and she'd lost even more weight.

We ended up at the feeding clinic at local children's hospital. The lovely paediatrician told us to just forget all about veggies and just give her as much as she would eat of the foods that she liked.

I remember the first time she had chips. We were having take away with my parents and I let her have some. She absolutely love them and stuffed her face. It was the first time I'd seen her enthusiastically eat solid food, and it was brilliant.

If you've never been in that situation as a parent, watching your baby fail to put on weight, but not eating anything that you cook for them (except shit beige food) I don't think you can really understand how you get to that point.

We care very much about her diet and are constantly trying to find ways to make it more nutritious, but I'm not going to let her go hungry. And I enjoy watching her enjoy a meal, even if it is fish fingers and chips (again).

I love to cook. DD1 is completely different - eats pretty much anything, she'll always go back for extra helpings of veg on the table. We eat as a family. Food is on the table to help yourself. I pretty much do everything the experts say that you should to encourage a healthy diet.

DD2 is making progress. But it is very, very slow. She is a lively, energetic 7yo, doing well at school, and is now on the 30th centile for weight (so much better than not even making it on to the chart).

Posters might think it is their tough, no nonsense stance around mealtime which is responsible for their children's good eating habits. But their child probably doesn't have any real food issues. It's normal for children to act up and get a bit fussy around food. But that's not at all what the situation was with DD2.

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from, but I think it would be really unfair on your DSD.

Also OP, by your logic, DD2 shouldn't have been a fussy eater as she had her older sister's good example to go by. It didn't make a bit of difference.

Well I'm not sure where the comments about eating Big Macs have come from. Beige foods for us anyway mean toast, cereals, potatoes breadsticks etc which are all pretty normal food items by themselves and surely what most children would come across at some point? Just that my child has latched onto them.

Carabos

I can only answer from my perspective with dd. As I just said, she would eat only a couple of things. So she went through many stages, the most noticeable were her toast stage, her Greek yoghurt phase and her shepherds pie stage. This started soon after weaning. For me, I wanted to be able to take dd out to a restaurant, just sometimes for a break from cooking and I couldn't. So I was massively relieved and even cried when at 2.5 she ate a nugget because then at least I could take her out to McDonald's from time to time. She did then start to love Nuggets and wanted them or eggs every day. At 8 dd eats a balanced diet but not terrribly varied and it has been a big struggle to get to this stage. She now eats a small variety of vegetables in increasing quantities, chicken, beef, pork, rice and pasta. These have to be presented in a certain way for them to be eaten, so veg chopped up incredibly fine in composite meals, broccoli squashed etc. She won't eat shell fish, fish, potato (including chips), noodles and much more besides. I make meals using these ingredients and have slowly introduced new flavours. I never made eating into a battle and encouraged dd to try things from time to time and once enjoyed, these foods were added to the list as ones she will eat. I don't know anything about selective eating disorder and whether this approach would work for other children. I just know this approach worked for my dd.

Ds ate fantastically as a baby. Now he is 7 and I am lucky if he eats anything other than beef burger and dry brown toast!

It's a common misconception that selective eaters only eat unhealthy foods. It's generally the lack of variety that is the problems but the foods they eat can be healthy. If less healthy options are introduced its normally a desperate attempt to get them to try something new because anything is better than nothing.

Her dad made her stay at the table for ages and this dark atmosphere eventually clouded the room, where a battle of wills commenced between them.

Well, that is hardly helpful is it??!! She ws being good (for her) and eating some of it at least. He then turns into 'Good Dad' and is not being consistent.

I was in NO WAY a fussy eater. I just hated the very anglicised chinese food my parents brought back every fucking Saturday. I loathed pork balls in sweet and sour. I was made to sit in the garage and eat them so my father didn't have to look at my face! I now do not like Chinese food even though improvements have been made since the 70's. I wouldn't care but both my parents were fussy eaters - Dad more than mum!

years ago my brothers friend would eat only jacket potatoes or peanut butter on toast. His worried mum took him to the doctors who said he was obviously thriving and would go onto other food when he felt like it!

carabos to address your question re. how do you get to the point of 'they'll only eat maccas'. I don't have any science based studies to back this up, but I think humans are wired to enjoy salty, fatty, carby foods. So it's logical that it would be these foods, if offered, that a child with food issues accepts.

We eat fish with brown rice and steamed veg, because that is what we have been educated to understand as a healthy meal. In other parts of the world I guess you just eat what's available.

DD2 literally never willingly opened her mouth for a spoonful of the first foods that I made for her from scratch. When we tried BLW, there was absolutely nothing that went near her lips (except for rice crackers I seem to remember). Then one day, we're having fish and chips for dinner, what do you know? She enjoys eating the chips. So what would you feed your 1 year old baby, who wears 000 clothes, in that situation?

My ds(10) is fussy and only eats 'healthy' foods. No pizza, chips, burgers etc. If we go to McDonalds I have to take a lunchbox for him!

You introduced new meal, then dh told her off, then you did, then dh starts apologising and bringing her cakes.
Good grief, this is so wrong on about 5 counts. Can you not see this?

Surely it's the overall mix of food that is healthy or not, not individual foods. Chicken nuggets and pasta aren't intrinsically unhealthy. At least if a child will only eat those they're getting a decent amount of calories in a sitting, as opposed to if they'll only eat broccoli for example.

I think you sound a good step-mum and you are right to think of the whole family including your little DD.

I agree that you all need to discuss it again.

It sounds like things were going fantastically well until DH started being an eejit. She ate all the veg and a good amount of noodles? That's real progress! And he basically fucked it up. This is on him really. You'll need to discuss it. He can't turn it into a battle of wills again.

I think you just have to try again next time, with the veg plus egg fried rice maybe. And if you know she likes fruit salad, what about doing one for dessert each time? She could be in charge of doing that herself, since she obviously knows how to make it. If everyone enjoyed it and praised her, that would be a positive food association for her.

Also some of the food DSD eats sounds quite healthy baby friendly. For lunch, can the Greggs pizza unless maybe it's a treat when out and about. Breadsticks and fruit, maybe a few bits of cucumber as well since you say she likes greens, perhaps add a carrot stick. That's similar to what a lot of babies and toddlers have. Esp if blw. It would be fine for the baby to have that once a week with her. And teatime, as I said, egg fried rice plus veg stir fry plus fruit salad made by DD. Again, pretty nutritious and baby friendly. I'd be wary of doing plain pasta with cheese, because plain pasta seems to be like crack to toddlers, but it seems that DD will eat a suitable alternative so that's fine, isn't it?

Also in the nicest possible way, there is a realistic chance that your child will be equally as restricted as this and possibly more so in a couple of years. It's just what some of them do, even if they eat everything as babies. I appreciate that this is what you're trying to avoid, but I do think it would benefit you to get your head round the possibility that this will be an unavoidable phase for your child.

I don't understand why everyone seems to be skipping over the fact that it's her dad who kept her at the table not op.

Also it puzzles me why op is even having to have this conversation. If op can get dsd to try something new then why not carry on? I'm not saying something new and different for every meal but why not try it if she has actually eaten something different already?

If I were you op (and I'll get flamed for this but I don't care) I'd take a step back and let her dad sort her food and feed her whatever shit he wants but I'd be trying my absolute best to make sure my own child didn't end up with similar issues. Obviously this can be unavoidable sometimes but I'd be taking responsibility for my child and letting dh deal with his child.

Wow!

So you, DH and her mum have just been making a massive rod for your own backs all these years? Why on earth do you make her separate meals? Your whole post is completely ridiculous!

Start giving her what you all eat, no exceptions. Stop pandering to a 10 year old.

If she's pale, thin and unhappy take her to the doctors.

I think the OP is quite right to bow out of the discussion and leave Mumsnet to work itself into a frenzy about another evil stepmother.

Mummyoflittledragon if you have read the thread and come to the conclusion that no-one was criticising her as a stepmother then your English comprehension is pretty rubbish.

charleston Do you enjoy saying horrible things to people? Does it make you feel good about yourself? I don't see nastiness in everything people say and I don't read evil stepmother in this situation.