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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH going to bed early

96 replies

Whack · 19/05/2017 21:09

AIBU?

Obviously it's Friday night, DH and I have both worked all week but normal office hours. We had dinner at home at 7ish then went to watch a film which he chose. I was in the mood to be romantic, he wasn't. He has just gone to bed saying he's tired. He doesn't have to to be up early tomorrow neither of us have any plans.

I just feel like what a rubbish night. I make dinner, we watch an hour of a film not even the whole thing and he's off to bed leaving me on my own. This kind of thing happens a lot. AIBU to be annoyed by this? When he started saying how tired he was I was just thinking "you're a grown man, it's a Friday night can we at least try to make an evening of it?" I did say that as well and he just said he was tired. I'm bored.

OP posts:

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/05/2017 23:36

And put a pause on TTC while you have a think.

wobblywonderwoman · 19/05/2017 23:40

I would be really worried. Dh was a bit like this at the start and there is still some resentment there. But I did get assertive about having to do fun things together and I booked our last foreign holiday and now things have improved

seoulsurvivor · 19/05/2017 23:43

On Fridays, my husband and I normally fall asleep at about 9.30.

We're just too knackered not to.

It is disappointing if my husband is sleepy and I'm not but that's just how it is. I certainly don't blame him, not like he wants to be sleepy.

Biffsboys · 19/05/2017 23:44

On a Friday evening we have dinner and stay at dining table drinking too much wine . If we moved to sofa to watch tv or movie one of us would doze off .

seoulsurvivor · 19/05/2017 23:46

Hmmm having read your updates, he sounds so dull. Like he wants the little woman at home but also to be single when he wants.

Crunchymum · 19/05/2017 23:55

Do not have children with this man.

He'd leave your to do all the night stuff?

Crunchymum · 19/05/2017 23:56

And probably all the day stuff too, but the sound of it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2017 00:49

Whose idea was TTC?

Butterymuffin · 20/05/2017 01:00

If you went out by yourself for the day on a weekend, would he notice / say anything / miss you?

anon1987 · 20/05/2017 01:01

I can understand op. I wouldn't like it either if my dp didn't want to spend the occasional evening staying up late chatting watching tele etc. Those things are important in a relationship.
I get really tired come Friday night and so does my partner, we have 3 little girls so they usually want to stay up a bit later on a Friday and watch a film with us and usually my dp falls asleep mid film, but on a Saturday we try and spend an evening together.

Also if you're trying to conceive, all this early bedtimes isn't exactly going to help.
Do you think ttc is the best thing for you guys right now? If there's a sense of boredom setting in, having children will only make it worse, make you more tired and create more issues.

I hope you can be honest with him and tell him how you feel and that he makes a little more effort now and again, even if it's just an hour x

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/05/2017 01:31

So you are TTC and he isnt in the mood and goes regularly goes to bed early to avoid it?

Heavy conversation time. Sounds like he is trying to tell you something that he doesnt want to say.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/05/2017 07:39

Wake up!

For the love of god, wake up.

Love. You can love more than one man in a lifetime. Yes, it's sad if things don't work out with someone you love, especially if you've married them, but that's no reason to 'stick with' someone with whom you are incompatible.

You don't yet have children with him. Get out of this relationship before you do, because even if you didn't have children this relationship would bore you to tears before you're 40, with kids it will be unimaginably awful. He has no energy, no interest, no thought for you.

Just get out now, before you make the biggest mistake of your life & have kids with him.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 20/05/2017 08:04

DH and I are in bed most nights for 9.00, we are certainly not dull or boring. We are just two people who dont deal with the world very well if we dont have a decent amount of sleepy time. But the difference is DH and I do stuff together.

I just think the bedtime is a bit of red herring if I am being honest OP. There is a much larger problem than him checking into bed early. The fact he wants to do absolutely nothing is a bit strange. What are his reasons for not wanting to go anywhere during the day?

MissShittyBennet · 20/05/2017 08:10

The initial point was BU, and if he's an early bed, early riser and you're more of a night owl, I wonder how you'd feel being expected to be up for a shag at 6am on a Saturday? As that would be the equivalent.

The rest, I can see why you're annoyed about being so low on the priority list. So YANBU there. Friday night might be a bit optimistic, lots of people are too tired from the week then, but the rest of the time yes. If he can stay up for them, he can stay up for you.

It's striking that you don't mention your own friends and hobbies much in this. Do you necessarily have to be doing things with him? If he likes to not do much, and you want to be off doing things, yes that's an incompatibility but may be workable round. Not all couples want to spend significant amounts of their downtime together.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 20/05/2017 11:33

If he is always like this then I'm not sure why you are surprised he went to bed early.

Yes it may be boring, I'm the one that goes up early (to sit on my phone) and falls asleep and my partner stays down.
If it's such an issue for you then either talk to him about it because it doesn't seem like you have. If that doesn't work and you find him boring then leave him or go and have your own life that you can make exciting.

I don't think he is awful for wanting to sleep but staying awake for a night out, having a night out can keep you awake. Sitting on the sofa will not.

Can't you go out for dinner? Can't fall asleep in a restaurant. Or just understand that he likes his sleep and is sensible about going to bed. If that's too boring for you then that's ok but it doesn't make him in the wrong about it. It's your issue and you should deal with it yourself and if that means ending the relationship so you can find someone more fun then so be it, just don't tell him he is in the wrong because he really isn't.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/05/2017 18:35

Why should you do anything about it at all? He's entitled to his sleep pattern just as you're entitled to yours. Think of this potential thread on Dadsnet:

"I like to go to bed around 9pm as I am very tired by then and am an early riser. My wife likes to stay up until all hours. I think this is wrong and that husbands and wives should go up to bed together. What should I do to get her to go to bed when I do?"

I agree that it's not fair that he'll stay up for his friends, but I think most of us are that way. We do things with our friends that out of our ordinary routine and it's not every night. Very different than changing one's usual every night habits.

As I mentioned upthread, DH goes to bed with the chickens. I stay up later. It's never negatively impacted our sex life in any way. We managed to have two children despite our differing routines. Middle of the night and morning shags are lovely. And I actually enjoy the 1-2 hours to myself after he goes to bed. I read, potter about (quietly), and just enjoy the quiet.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/05/2017 18:50

Having read your other posts, this is not about bedtime.

This is about your partner not wanting to spend fun time with you.

Do not have children with this man.

If you can't manage fun together now then the energy sapping, sleep deprived state of small children will not help.

anon1987 · 20/05/2017 20:16

AcrossThepond I agree, my dp goes up usually before 11pm, I'm more of a 12-1 type of person. I enjoy the time by myself so I can watch tele etc. I don't think a happy relationship needs two people to go to bed at the same time. Besides you can have sex anywhere in the house other then a bed. We usually do it in the lounge, because we have 4,7,11 year old children and thin walls

FrenchMartiniTime · 21/05/2017 10:22

If it's a recurring theme have you asked him if he's ok?

Problems at work or not feeling great lately?

Patchouli666 · 21/05/2017 10:41

You need to have a talk and see if he is nervous about ttc. He may feel, as lots of men do that all the fun has gone out of a shag. It's got a purpose now and also everytime you dtd and don't fall pregnant....he may take that as a worrying sign he isn't fertile.
Ttc really alters relationships. It's very important to have fun and enjoy each other. And to TALK.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/05/2017 14:00

anon 👍🏻 . Yep. Anywhere and almost any time. At least until the DCs start arriving.

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