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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going to bed early

96 replies

Whack · 19/05/2017 21:09

AIBU?

Obviously it's Friday night, DH and I have both worked all week but normal office hours. We had dinner at home at 7ish then went to watch a film which he chose. I was in the mood to be romantic, he wasn't. He has just gone to bed saying he's tired. He doesn't have to to be up early tomorrow neither of us have any plans.

I just feel like what a rubbish night. I make dinner, we watch an hour of a film not even the whole thing and he's off to bed leaving me on my own. This kind of thing happens a lot. AIBU to be annoyed by this? When he started saying how tired he was I was just thinking "you're a grown man, it's a Friday night can we at least try to make an evening of it?" I did say that as well and he just said he was tired. I'm bored.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whack · 19/05/2017 21:38

OK maybe I am BU. We just have different patterns and I suppose I find it frustrating. It's not as though he is working long shifts or has to get up really early, I just think he could make more of an effort to spend time with me. He has an early night almost every single day unless he goes out with his mates then miraculously he's up until the early hours.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/05/2017 21:38

Yabu.
You can't and shouldn't try to control what he wants to do.

Lalaloopsyscaresme · 19/05/2017 21:40

What's he like on Saturday night??

LostSight · 19/05/2017 21:41

How is your relationship the rest of the time? I found myself wondering of he was tired, or if he was (for example) avoiding your romance request.

If he does this regularly, do you go upstairs to find him asleep (which might indicate genuine tiredness) or will he be awake and playing with his phone (or whatever)?

PlayOnWurtz · 19/05/2017 21:42

I get you

My husband goes to bed at 830 every night of the week. We have zero sex life as a result.

SuperBeagle · 19/05/2017 21:42

YABU.

I regularly go to bed at 8:30pm on Friday. I'm exhausted from the week that's been.

I'd be peeved if someone told me I had to stay up because they were bored.

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 19/05/2017 21:43

I'm jealous of your DH being able to sleep early. If I go to bed early I lay there for hours getting mad at myself for not sleeping...

YABU btw. He's tired, leave him be.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/05/2017 21:44

I don't think your are BU. If he's like this pretty much every night he's not out with his mates, then he's bloody bad company. What's the point in a relationship if he doesn't want to spend any time together?

Delilah21D00LoT · 19/05/2017 21:47

Sorry, but I do think YABU to be honest.
MY Hubby and I love getting an early night - without each other :) I can read my book in peace, not have to make small talk that I am too tired for.
When my hubby goes to bed early he goes to bed and is usually asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
When you are THAT tired, the sensible option is to go to bed isn't it?

It's no reflection on the partner and it doesn't mean there is any issues within the relationship.
Let it go and let him sleep.

JaneEyre70 · 19/05/2017 21:47

I've been up since 5am, but I'm sat in the lounge with DH as he didn't get in until 8.30pm and I feel mean not saying a proper hello. Can't you go to bed with him, even if it's to read or listen to headphones?

Alexandra87 · 19/05/2017 21:47

I wish my dh would go to bed when he's tired instead of falling asleep on the sofa and snoring through whatever I'm trying to watch

Original poster
Whack · 19/05/2017 21:47

I suppose I feel like every evening we spend together I'm just waiting for him to start yawning and he suddenly says he's tired and then that's it, he's off to bed regardless and will never ever compromise on it. He has never ever stayed up with me beyond say 11pm. (Usually not beyond 10pm, tonight obviously even earlier.)

OP posts:
Walkingtowork · 19/05/2017 21:49

I don't think YABU, it's very sad for you that he stays up late with his friends but regularly chooses not to spend evenings with you.

I have personal experience of this and don't want to say any more, but if he's preferring not to be with you it is a very bad sign Flowers

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/05/2017 21:50

Ok so this isn't about bedtimes per se. It's about a lack of quality time together. Do you have kids ?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/05/2017 21:51

I'm exactly like your dh, unless we're out. Why don't you go out together on a Friday night.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 19/05/2017 21:51

He needs his sleep and likes that. I pointed out to DH when I started losing sleep to small DCs who start the day at an ungodly hour that if he hadn't started his seduction attempt before 9pm, it probably wasn't happening.

You know he's tired by 9. Don't put a film on a 8pm, start suggesting sex at that point. If he's too tired at 10pm, he's too tired and it'll be crap anyway, be flexible.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/05/2017 21:55

I think you need to make your evening plans with the knowledge that he's going to poop out on you. My DH goes to bed about 1 hr or 90 mins before I do, so I plan my 'down time' accordingly.

And don't be afraid to tell him "DH you know you're going to fall asleep in an hour so I don't really want to start watching XXX movie since you won't finish it. I think we should watch YYY movie since I know I'll be up to finish it!".

Original poster
Whack · 19/05/2017 21:55

We don't have children but are TTC at the moment, (well not counting dates etc but "seeing what happens"). So no children to sap energy.

OP posts:
BuzzKillington · 19/05/2017 21:56

I don't know.

Friday night has always been a special night for us - we both make a thing of it and have done for years. We've just been out for dinner and now dh is walking the dog - but most Fridays we have a special meal for just the 2 of us and light candles, drink wine etc.

I think it's easy for us to fall into bad habits - going to bed and not spending time with each other, looking at a screen instead of talking, and - my biggest dread as my parents do this - eating and then falling asleep in front of the TV.

You have to make a bit of an effort to be good company.

Original poster
Whack · 19/05/2017 21:58

Buzz

That's how I feel and what I would want. A bit of quality and fun time together as a couple.

Even if we go out we won't stay out late unless it's with his friends then there's no time limit at all.

OP posts:
BuzzKillington · 19/05/2017 22:01

You're in your salad days! Nip complacency in the bud now - otherwise it will grow like a weed and you'll be sitting in front of the tv in a few years watching him sleep.

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/05/2017 22:03

So do you get special time together at any point in the week ? Is there a time he would say is his preference ? Or does he just not bother ?

Walkingtowork · 19/05/2017 22:06

Given my recent experience, I know this will sound dramatic, but I might consider delaying ttc if you're not having as much fun together as you need. It would sound less dramatic if I gave you the full blow by blow of the last 17 years of my life, but I'll spare you.

Trust your feelings on this.

Original poster
Whack · 19/05/2017 22:10

That's what I think I sometimes feel we are a bit old before our time.

We do do things together like go for dinner etc but it would usually be an early dinner, not dinner and drinks like a night out which I would enjoy although we would do this with his friends. I enjoy days out anywhere really, museums, parks, just anything different and a bit of a change of scenery. Unless we have something planned with other people there is almost zero chance he would come on a day out with me at the weekend. If I suggested something like that he would just refuse, he only wants to go to the gym then lie on the sofa all afternoon watching TV.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 19/05/2017 22:13

YANBU - sounds like he can make an effort with his friends but zero effort with you!

Are you sure you want to have children with this man?

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