To ask how you feel now if you were bullied at school? (Potentially sensitive)

[moutonfou]

I was picked on for being quiet and clever, which only made me quieter. By end of school I was shy to mute depending on situation, with extreme social anxiety and general lack of any confidence/resilience.

Although I have now put a lot of hard work into becoming a functioning adult with a good job, able to talk to different people, pretty calm and resilient, I still think I have an underlying expectation of rejection that will never go away. I automatically think anybody new I meet is cooler/better/has it more together than me and don't really expect them to like me. I think that comes across to people as a lack of warmth, simply because I'm still quite guarded.

Just curious to hear others' stories - how does it affect you years or decades later?

I have been bullied all my life. At home by my dominating Father, at school because I was always the new girl and big boned, by my Grandmother on holiday because she was a cast iron bitch.

I have a huge facade. Outwardly confident and resilient, but inwardly, I am a fucking mess. Frankly. I have had 3 nervous breakdowns. I have had therapy. I am about as resilient as a wet paper bag. But I put on my armour (which includes at least 5 stones of excess weight) and I go out there and fucking show my bullies (most of whom are dead) that they never got the better of me.

I do get hurt very easily, and I do seem to attract the sort of people who will let me down or use me somehow.

But. It's made me who I am. Dark humour and unhealthy coping mechanisms included.

I was bullied at school to the point where I stopped going. I was quite clever, in top sets for all my subjects. I got no more than a c in my gcses as a result of not going.
I now find it hard to start up a conversation with people I don't know eg. Mums at the school gate. I live in fear of my children being bullied. I do think it ruined my life.

Where are all the bullies? Do you not click on this thread? All of you who ignored us. All of you who wouldn't talk to us cos your friend told you not to. Where are you now?

You, who gave me the silent treatment, why aren't you on this thread apologising? 5 fucking weeks you couldn't say ONE word to me. Where are you now?

I was bullied physically and verbally throughout school. I really don't know why but I always seemed to be the target of the 'popular group' of nasty bitches that everyone else seemed to idolise.

I find it incredibly difficult to make friends now. I never trust anyone and find I'm defensive from the off. Most people take offence and never bother to try speaking with me again. In some ways I feel relieved when they don't talk to me again but in other instances I feel sad that I deliberately push people away.

I did look up one of the bullies on Facebook and although she is successful at work in some ways karma has really kicked her ass. I must admit when I found out about one piece of misfortune I did secretly smile...a lot.

Where are all the bullies? Do you not click on this thread?

I once had a boss who used to reminisce about kids that he and his mates had made fun of, like it was just some funny story, not something that has probably traumatised those kids for life. He was fairly intolerant as an adult too - for example always talking about how 'gay' this one guy none of them liked was. He'd poke fun at customers behind their back and TBH saw anybody whose primary objective in life wasn't to be 100% like him as a bit weird and therefore fair game.

I genuinely don't think bullies realise they are bullies; they think other people just aren't up to their standards and therefore deserve calling out on it. They have never been taught tolerance or to question their own attitudes.

Despite having been bullied I at least really value the empathy and tolerance it has given me.

I find it incredibly difficult to make friends now. I never trust anyone and find I'm defensive from the off. Most people take offence and never bother to try speaking with me again. In some ways I feel relieved when they don't talk to me again but in other instances I feel sad that I deliberately push people away.

This describes me perfectly. I've spent years in and out of therapy, but nothing has ever really changed.

In many ways, my most recent job started much like being at school, where there was in an in-crowd and I came from a totally different background as well. It has really reinforced old habits for me and triggered my eating disorder, so I now assume I'll be damaged goods for the rest of my life.

I know people who have said they weren't bullied but did join in themselves.

When I ask them if they have drummed it into their childrens heads that bullying destroys peoples lives and makes some childrens lives almost unbearable they all chime pretty much the same answer 'oh I havent had to because I know my child wouldn't do that'.

The sad thing is that its exactly those children who need to be told. By not telling them it's wrong the parents are almost giving their approval.

I was bullied all through my school life, mainly because of my home life.
All these years later I find it hard to trust people, don't make friends easily and when I do I always wonder why they bother to make friends with me or like me. I find social situations very difficult and feel very uncomfortable talking and making conversation with people I don't know and definitely lack self confidence as there is always a nagging doubt in my mind that I'm not good enough.
My DD was bullied at school and I was determined that I would stand up for her and made sure that school dealt with it, unlike my parents with me.

So much of this resonates with me. I was bullied at secondary school and also at the out-of-school activity I went to, with different people. It cemented the feeling in me that I'm inherently unlikeable. I have quite debilitating social anxiety now, I'm in my mid thirties and currently getting counselling for it.

I don't know whether it was the home life that I had, or whether school, or a mixture of both, but I would say I'm deeply affected. 10 years on, I struggle so badly that I have no friends at all.
Pretty sad really. I have the view (possibly wrongly) that most people are arseholes and I haven't got the energy to deal with people for this reason.

I wish the people who bullied me mercilessly throughout my childhood realised that a lot of the reasons they bullied me, were signs of how rubbish my home life was, and that what they did was exacerbate the trauma I was going through. They ensured that the one escape I had, was also hell,

I was bullied mercilessly at school as I was clever and uncool...the net result is I am a people pleaser and have stayed in some terrible relationships when I should have left.

The first thing I think when I meet someone new is 'Like me, like me' and I do everything I can to make them love me and want to be my friend so they don't bully me.

The consequence? I get horribly bullied even now at over the age of 50 as people assume I am weak as I want to be liked so much. Awful vicious circle that leaves me with only two friends...

Bullying fucked my life basically.

I was bullied (made fun of, sworn at, insulted, ignored) by my parents, brother, friends of my parents, some teachers, so called 'friends' , other children at school and college.
In adulthood I've been bullied in nearly every job by someone (hence a very long list of jobs & terrible CV, no 'career'), the few adult friends I made eventually turned on me/dumped me out of the blue.

My in laws have bullied me the whole 15 years I've been with partner. I nearly went NC with my parents this year after yet another load of abuse.
I've always been a quiet, shy, kind person...a "model baby & child" according to my my mum (so why so horrible to me?!!!)
Quietness and kindness in others bring out the hate from bullies.
Nowadays in my 40s I just hang out with my pets and my partner. He is the only person that I trust. I don't trust anyone else....I like many people from afar, but I won't ever get close to them.

I'm not bothered about having friends anymore.

I do CBT self help and have learned to like & accept myself & enjoy my own company and that's enough for me.
I hate injustice and cruelty and hate how fascist this country is going...though I'm not surprised with all the bullies that seem to be everywhere.

I was bullied at secondary school for being poor. It was just a big standard inner school but because we were very poor and had nothing, I was bullied non stop for 3 years, from the first day till the day I woke up in hospital from a overdose.
I changed school and point blank refused to sit with the others.
I was given a separate room to work in a would just keep myself to myself.
28 years later and I don't let it affect me.
I'm kind to everyone.
If someone doesn't like me that's fine.
I also take absolutely no shit!

Where are all the bullies? Do you not click on this thread?

They probably are posting on this thread, through the eyes of their experience of being bullied at one time or another though, rather than the time they were themselves the bully.

I know I behaved unpleasantly towards a couple of girls at school as a direct consequence of being bullied myself at the same time. I wouldn't say I bullied them was randomly unfriendly but they might say I did and perhaps those who I remember bullying me will not remember it the same way either.

This thread really resonates with me. I have spent a lifetime not fitting in. My parents moved a lot when I was a child so I was always the new person and I was bullied quite badly at secondary school because I was bright and middle class. Looking back, my friendship group at secondary was also controlled by one very domineering girl. My parents were very austere and over controlling too.

I chose badly and married a man who got his kicks by putting me down to make himself feel better. I stayed with him for 30 years because I believed that is what all relationships were like. I never got a single compliment in all that time but I got plenty of criticism.

I never fitted in at my City career because I couldn't bear all the smug git blokes and wouldn't play the political old boys games (women were very few on the ground and then mainly in support roles).

I prefer to be alone now. I've pretty much given up on people and I certainly don't want another relationship. The last one was eviscerating enough thanks. I definitely believe that the only person I can rely on is myself.

You really have a point there: "...pushed to the point of standing up for themselves". It's hard to tell someone "to do it" though, it must come from within. If someone had told me, when I was for example 13, it just wouldn't have worked at all.

Fat, ginger and needed glasses. It was never going to be easy. My parents moved around a lot with work and that meant I moved to four different primary schools. The first two were fine, but the second two, wow. It was survival of the fittest (and I wasn't the fittest)
I went from a tiny country village to an inner London primary. I was a gift to the bullies, they almost rubbed their hands together at the third school when I arrived.

The bullying carried on until I went to college. My mum was my saviour, she sat up with me on so many nights when I didn't think I could make it another day.

I became a wild child at 16 and over compensated went totally over the top. Though I don't regret a single day of those years.

Now, I don't trust people, I will chat with anyone, make lots of acquaintances, but have no friends.
Zero confidence, low self esteem, push for perfection and agonise over every mistake however small, in case 'everyone' hates me for it. Replay every conversation to check I haven't upset anyone, made a fool of myself. Always defer to other people's points of view, or bottle it up and go over the top and be completely unprofessional. Take every comment personally, and over analyse.

On the other hand I am now a more caring, empathetic person. I care about people more, and always take the underdog under my wing. I don't give up on people easily and always try to see things from their point of view.

I was bullied for being different. I was intelligent and quiet, and didn't really care about fitting in. I now suffer from anxiety, depression and social anxiety.

Even a small amount of bullying can impact. One boy singled me out to call me fat (during a chubby pre-puberty phase - certainly not fat by today's standards) but others laughed along. This continued for 5 years, long after the chub became curves. I also remember going to buy my new secondary school uniform and my mum telling me that I looked like a barrel in it. I obsessed over my weight for the next 15 years, hated the way I looked and sought validation by sleeping with far too many men. I thought I was huge but I wasn't at all! I've been a size 8-10 for 20 years, since my teens but it still haunts me.

I was physically & mentally bullied. I struggle massively since leaving school with self esteem issues (I'm 29). I am horrendous in situations where there is an authorative female (bosses) where I'm awkward, cringy, not sure how to act. I like positive attention to feed the esteem issues which is exhausting. I've been told that I come across as a bitch when first meeting people even though its shyness. I've gotten better at this though through work. I over analyse things that have been said/done, are they avoiding me/do they hate me? I still get a little panicky when I have to be in unfamiliar social settings.

My relationship with my mother is fractured because, why didn't she tell me/show me how to be stronger? She knew these girls were 'friends' of mine & didn't once tell me to tell them to fuck off or stop hanging around with them.

I hope to start seeing a therapist to deal with these as I have DD now & im terrified of passing stuff on

I was picked on a lot within my own supposed friendship group for being clever and ginger, and sometimes bullied by other kids too. It was at its worst in years 5 - 9.

Like you OP I do think it has knocked my self confidence, I bend over backwards to be liked by people, hate confrontation and constantly worry about how I am being perceived and whether I said the wrong thing.

At uni I had really bad social anxiety, but as I've got older this has improved a lot. Rationally now, in my 30s, I believe in my own self worth and that it doesn't matter what other people think. But instinctively I still can't stand to think someone might not like me or think badly of me even for a second!

It'sallamysterytome - are you me? Your life sounds just like mine - I was bullied for being clever and fat and worse National Health specs. At 16, I got pretty, and became a wild child too - completely off the rails, drinking too much, dating too much...

I am a people pleaser and will agonise over whether I have upset anyone. Yet no one seems to care if they upset me - in fact they go out of their way to do so.

I am getting slightly better as I age - my husband has given me more of a backbone by raising my self esteem and showing me time and time again how people call themselves my friends but actually are not, because I have no boundaries, I just want people to like me.

The bullying was bad, looking back at it. Aged 8, I was held down in a playground and had dog shit rubbed into my hair. At 10, the local kids would wait for me and push me around, then when I got home they would make obscene phone calls to me. This was the 70s and 80s, schools weren't geared up to tackle bullying then. It got worse into my teens. No bloody wonder I am fucked up!

I was bullied in different ways, I was outgoing, too loud, the class clown and got along with all the girls in my class. However boys outside school and some girls etc would call me fat * I was quite overweight. Even though I'm not huge now I still constantly feel like a monster, and huge even if I was a size ten. Constantly scared and convinced a certain way my clothes look on me etc.

Powerpantsrule - It was a long, hard road from there to here wasn't it? But we made it.

I was in school in the 70's and 80's too and it was all swept under the carpet then. So long as you and your bullies shook hands after they had beaten seven bells out of you it was ok.

No matter that you spent most of the day worrying about how to get through play time, lunchtime and get home in one piece.

Still at least we didn't have social media to contend with I guess, not like the poor children today. They really don't have an escape do they.

Iris65 brilliant idea, how about we call the thread 'They Were Just Being Silly' or 'But They Were Only Teasing' or something like that.