To ask how you feel now if you were bullied at school? (Potentially sensitive)

[moutonfou]

I was picked on for being quiet and clever, which only made me quieter. By end of school I was shy to mute depending on situation, with extreme social anxiety and general lack of any confidence/resilience.

Although I have now put a lot of hard work into becoming a functioning adult with a good job, able to talk to different people, pretty calm and resilient, I still think I have an underlying expectation of rejection that will never go away. I automatically think anybody new I meet is cooler/better/has it more together than me and don't really expect them to like me. I think that comes across to people as a lack of warmth, simply because I'm still quite guarded.

Just curious to hear others' stories - how does it affect you years or decades later?

I was bullied too and like other posters I have gone through life without many friends because I always have my guard up which can come across as aloof, which in turns makes it difficult to make friends.
Looking back, I feel angry. Most of the bullying came from so called friends.

Until I was in my early twenties , I always thought I had brought the bullying on myself by "being how I am".
I was always quiet and shy, a bit of 'geek' , always a bit awkward and clumsy, too nice for my own good. So naturally this led to bullying about that. But what really gets to be after all these years is the bullying I endured because my parents were "old". My mum and dad had me in their 40s , whereas nearly all of my school class had young , trendy mum's. My parents looked like doddering OAPS to them . Up until about age 17, I was ashamed of my mums age. On the rare occasions I'd let some one come to my house for tea/play , and they'd meet my mum for the first time , my so called friends would look in disgust and say omg is that your grandma ? Or cebee, why is your mum so old ?
Looking back , I feel ashamed that I was ashamed of my mum IYSWIM. She died when I was 21 and it still stings today that I spent so much time resenting my mums age , when really she loved me unconditionally and I loved her. Age is irrelevant. And my mum was worth 1000 of these so called friends .

Fast forward to present day and theres only about 5 people I would call close friends. And not one of them is from school . Who needs enemies when your have school friends?!

Bullying has had such an impact on my life,like pp have said,I suffer from very low self esteem ,always feel I am not good enough,Am less worthy than everyone else,don't push myself to be better as feel like a fraud and people will see how useless i really am.Have given up or not gone for good career prospects as I feel I'm not capable/good enough to better myself.
Affects relationships as I don't feel worthy of being loved and don't believe anyone does so keep people at a distance,partners,friends etc,anxiety over the thought of the same happening to dc,bullying ruins lives.

For me . I had low self esteem for s time period and became very promiscuous for a while to get affirmation a different way . I was only bullied really by one girl (who was in care ) / but the first 3 years of secondary were grim . And I feel nervous as DS1 approaches - I don't want him to go to a rough urban school like I did .

For My friend who was bullied for being gay - his scars run very deep

I was bullied for being the clever, bookish one, whose parents never bought her the cool clothes (uniform policy was stretched to the point of ridiculousness in my school ).
As a result, I do struggle to make close friendships. I don't have a group of friends who I can socialise with, although I think I'm popular at work and most colleagues would be surprised to know that. I'm just reluctant to take the extra step to get closer to people, for fear of rejection.
I'm also terrified that this'll happen to my beautiful DD and want to do everything I can to protect her. I'm hoping that being able to send her to an independent secondary school will help, as presumably intelligence would be more valued there than in the local comprehensive? I'm aware that I need to get a grip regarding this to a certain degree, because she's only 3 and I should probably let her input into the decision when the time comes!

Oh cee teenagers can't help it . Being shallow I mean. Sorry you lost her so young

Well when you are in a situation and it's fight or flight and you cannot run away you don't stop and think' erm, how could this pan out? What are the possible outcomes to x or y?'

You do what you have to do instinctively to survive. At that point I had to be the victor, so I was. The bullies showed themselves for who they really were, not so big and tough and scary after all.

I was bullied because ultimately I allowed them to bully me because I was terrified of them.

I was very, very quiet, gentle ,tiny build, studious and shy. Not the type to punch someone. My children were not the type either, but they did as I told them to do. It worked.

I was bullied but I'm not a victim of bullying.

I was bullied. I am now a people pleaser as I am afraid if I am not it will happen again. I also have an underlying fear of rejection. That said I was bullied at work a couple of years ago for having the gall to be ambitious and work hard to progress. For some reason that just spurred me on more and made me more determined. It worked as I have recently been promoted so although I spent years not feeling confident I think I grew into my confidence and now in my 40s feel a lot stronger than I di in my 20s and 30s. I am still a people pleaser though. I doubt that will ever go away.

Poochie, I could have written your post. My bullying was also had the hands of my 'best friend' who would, just for kicks I think, decide to ignore me and tell other to do the same. It was random and so hurtful and confusing. My parents were also cold and disinterested, we have now been NC for about 4 years.

I am 36 now and have good relationships with my DH and his family and I have some good friends and lots of acquaintances that I get on well with. I suffer from terrible social anxiety though, especially around one-on-one situations. For eg. if one friend suggests doing something together I feel very anxious, whereas a group setting is ok. I can trace that back to the rejection I felt from the singular 'best friend' I think. This also filters to things like hairdressers or taxis, where you are required to interact with one person. Driving lessons were hell for me.

I also overanalyse even quite banal interactions and worry that I have said something wrong or been boring or whatever.

It's comforting to know that others feel the same, although I wish you didn't.

I was bullied, but I also had a great group of supportive friends so the effects were mitigated. I also met my bully as an adult. The first time she called my name in the street and I replied 'sorry, do I know you'. The second time, it was in a bar and she apologised to me. I fully believe she had her own stuff going on at the time (she didn't say that to me, just a straightforward what I did was wrong and I'm sorry) and I'm happy her life is now less crap.

I do get a bit of a twinge re the cool kids, but I recognise that's my own thing and try to not let it affect me. I'm also supremely intolerant of certain kinds of bullying behaviour, and have taken risks to intervene in situations where I don't need to.

I survived by stopping giving a crap about the people who were harming me. I distanced myself from school and hung out with older friends. I can remember the particular moment I realised that I just did not give a crap about some people's opinions, and it was liberating. I continue to curate my life so I have minimum interaction with people I don't care for. I work in an environment where I don't stick out as unusual. I found my people :) I camouflage a bit better, and I'm also less apologetic about who I am.

I have fairly strong boundaries and I'm not shy about enforcing them. I was much more of an approval seeker as a child, as an adult I still seek approval but I'm picky about where and who. I value loyalty in friendships strongly, and many of my friends are from the same group I survived school with.

It definitely had an impact on me, but I don't know it has really hindered me. I discovered I can be resilient and I don't have to worry what some nomark thinks about me. It was a crap way to discover that, and I still feel irritated re how adults/authority dealt with the situation. No-one really recognised it as a problem. I would not wish the experience on anyone, but I've made peace as I'm certainly not wishing to have it influence my life anymore than it has.

I was bullied throughout school for a variety of reasons - being clever, being 'posh' aka not having a local accent, not being 'cool' enough, not being conventionally pretty - and then also had to deal with exclusion from 'friends' as well. Typical nasty teen stuff like not being invited to a party or sleepover, being ignored, not being let in on secrets. The result in my teens was that I desperately wanted people to like me yet was incredibly anxious about making friends as I thought there was something inherently unlikeable about me. If I became good friends with someone I would latch on to them a bit and seem a bit obsessive I think, when in reality I was so happy to have a close friend for once. If someone didn't really like me I would be distraught because in my mind, I was only ever nice and just wanted friends.

As an adult I've become much more confident and assertive. I do wish I'd stood up to the bullying instead of saying nothing and just crying in my bedroom. I am still a bit socially awkward and have always felt as if I'm on the edge of friendship groups and as if no-one is hugely bothered about me as a friend. I often worry after a social occasion that I've made myself look stupid/unlikeable. I do get anxious if someone cancels plans/doesn't message back etc. that they don't really like me very much and I have had a tendency, as an adult, to quietly disengage from people if they upset me which I know is a defence mechanism and not particularly healthy.

I do try to get out of some of the unhealthy patterns of thought and am much better than I was but it's not easy when you've always felt a bit defective and as if people laugh at you behind your back when you're not a bad person.

It makes me angry that the actions of one nasty girl (and a handful of others but she was the main culprit) in primary school led me to believe things about myself which weren't

Yes exactly. Even though I now consciously know that the opinion of a few greasy pubescent boys in high school doesn't have squat to do with who you are, it's like I have unconsciously absorbed it nonetheless.

Incidentally I am also much less confident around men than women as a result. In high school some boys 'out of my league' decided I fancied one of them as I had smiled at them and found it hilarious. I now have a paranoia that if I am friendly to a man they'll think I (inappropriately) fancy them.

So annoying how hard these underlying feelings are to shift.

Loads of this resonates horribly with me. My self esteem is awful. I have the most vicious inner voice.

It's actually really a problem for me right now, I have the opportunity to go for a big promotion and the other person in the running is prettier, slimmer, more elegant, just better than me in every way. It really feels like school again.

I had horrific bullying growing up, and it does still affect me. I have had people bully me in two separate jobs which I think was down to learned behaviour on my part - namely when someone is shit to you, freeze and instantly assume it was your fault, ignore it and hope it stops. Doesn't work when someone is out for your blood!

I have been clinically depressed and medicated several times, also due to it.

But! I'm really happy right now, and all that stuff seems like a bad dream. I know at some point I will likely be depressed again, but being in a loving relationship and building the life that I always wanted, rather than one I thought I should have has made me really happy.

Also, mumsnet has helped me massively - I have learned social skills I didn't have before and have much better boundaries, and faking it until I make it. Also watching how popular and confident friends of mine behave, and channeling a bit of that.

recognising that most (nice) people just want to have a chat and a laugh with someone fun helps - when I'm feeling shy or speaking to someone new I tell a funny story or try to make the other person laugh. Then you relax and it all flows a bit from there.

Also, recognise that some people are just arseholes, and you don't have to like everyone out of fear - just don't outwardly show you don't like them. I don't like bitchy, manipulative or (sorry) vapid people, so when I see that in people I keep my distance. Stay away from people you get that gut feeling about.

That's brilliant pandarific , I am in a good place having been in bad places too and it's a lovely feeling isn't it

I now have a paranoia that if I am friendly to a man they'll think I (inappropriately) fancy them.

Yes I am the same, I feel like a right idiot as I feel it's something I should have gotten over in my teens. I have one good male friend who I don't feel I need to 'be careful' with, not sure what's different about that particular friendship - maybe the fact that I view him as a genuine 'big brother' figure. But I subconsciously have a guard up with most men for fear of being accused of fancying them (even though me and dp have been together for 8 years and are v happy together).

I remember being asked out 'as a joke' throughout secondary school and embarrassing myself when telling 'friends' about my crushes who then went on to tell the 'crushee' and everyone else in the year. It made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anyone ever liking or loving me in that way.

I also do be viewing people on a ladder thing that was mentioned by a pp. I feel like the bullying I received has left me socially stunted in a lot of ways.

to everyone. I wish I could be one of those people who didn't let these things affect me in adulthood. I guess some of us are more susceptible to it than others.

I was bullied also, because of my face - it's very round & flat. I was called 'pan face' because it looked like I had been hit in the face with a frying pan. That stuck for years - across two different schools.

Now, as a 40 something yr old, I've still not 'accepted' or ever felt comfortable in my own skin, I've always yearned to look like someone else. I HATE every single photo of myself. Yes I feel ugly, but there's not a great deal I can do about it. I'm not confident at all, I'm probably socially inept. I don't have a lot of friends & don't make friends easily, but I have 2 beautiful, fabulous, funny kids & a husband who adores me & I feel blessed for those things.

Me too - I was bullied at home by my parents and brother and at primary school by a big gang - beaten up, chased home etc. At secondary school I got picked on for being ugly - I still remember the girls behind me in Latin making up a verse
Londonmummy is queen of the grots
WIth her greasy hair, specs and spots..
It has left me with an eating disorder, social phobia and depression. I cannot walk into a busy room so i avoid parties and I often push people away as I am worried about rejection.

to everyone else who has been bullied

Thank you for putting that into words OP - the bit about how you perceive new people as being cooler than you. I was bullied all the way through secondary school, and the worst effect has been that I don't feel people should want to be friends with me. A side effect is that when I meet a new friend I then feel very defensive of anyone else joining us, because I'm scared they'll see that they can do better (because OBVIOUSLY people can't have more than one friend...)

It wasn't until post graduate level that I realised that nobody I met now knew that I'd been the bullied girl at school, so I didn't have to go on acting like it. That turned my life around, and even though it's still hard I can remind myself that I don't have to be the person the bullies made me.

I'm sorry to see so many others have felt the same - I suspect the impact of the bullies would be much weaker if we all realised how many other people were carrying around the same insecurities.

I still think I have an underlying expectation of rejection that will never go away. I automatically think anybody new I meet is cooler/better/has it more together than me and don't really expect them to like me

This totally resonates with me too.

I was left out through all of primary school (but never openly bullied). But at secondary school I was bullied relentlessly by lots of different children. After 5 years in the school, out of a year of 200 pupils, only about 20 hadn't bullied me at some stage.

I very luckily had a best friend throughout most of school and we were really really close and would tell each other everything. Then we fell out spectactularly when we were 17 (she was jealous and wouldn't let me make any other friends) and since then I've never been really close to anyone apart from DH.

I don't have many friends and I'm happy that way. I don't want to let anyone get too close to me, I'm afraid of being hurt again.

I also find it hard to stand up for myself at work, I just try to make myself invisible.

And I am still afraid of walking through a group of young teenagers in case they make fun of me!

Oh OP I was bullied at school and I feel exactly the same!

Although it has got better with age (I'm 35 now) I think that underlying feeling of "do they really like me?", will always be there to some degree.

Yes, absolutely - was bullied from ages 5-12, and also had a very difficult home life (which in itself led to bullying) and it's left me with very low self-esteem, still there at the age of (nearly) 31. Like another poster I became very promiscuous in my teenage years in order to get approval in a different way (but of course that ultimately made the self-esteem problems 100x worse).

In my last appraisal at work, a couple of people made comments like 'Pigface is a very likeable person.' I felt completely surprised and taken aback. The idea that people could like me - let alone call me 'likeable' - stills feels totally absurd even after all these years!

I was verbally bullied for being fat, ginger, shy. They thought I was thick because I was so awkward.
After school I lost the weight, gained it back but then lost it again. I got into my twenties and I started to receive lots of attention from men. I lapped it up and sometimes made poor choices but I think I was over compensating for my bullying in school.
Now 25 years after leaving school I never think about the bullying. In fact, I'm friends with some of them on Facebook although I will never be proper friends with them. The best revenge is living well and I'd like to think I'm doing that. Don't let the bullies get you down; you're 10 times their worth x

I was bullied at school due to being chubby, clever, and having glasses and braces and now have social anxiety and a lot of self-hatred. I always feel like people are judging me and dislike me.

I was bullied by all of the boys and some of the girls in my class literally every playtime and lunchtime throughout primary. I never told an adult because I thought I deserved it. Those who didn't join in kept their distance so that they didn't become targets.

I was then bullied throughout secondary school (girls only grammar) although in a less coordinated way, by different people at different times.

I try not to think about it. I lock it away at the back of my mind. I have never recovered.

I feel like people who are nice to me are only doing it out of pity. I love MN because I can use my knowledge and skills to help people and they can't see how rubbish I really am so I don't feel like they just feel sorry for me when they say nice things.

I completely understand why children take their own lives because of bullying and it breaks my heart every time I hear of another one.

It wasn't until post graduate level that I realised that nobody I met now knew that I'd been the bullied girl at school, so I didn't have to go on acting like it. That turned my life around, and even though it's still hard I can remind myself that I don't have to be the person the bullies made me

Yes exactly, I'll never forget when I went to live abroad for a few months and told somebody I lacked confidence and they just laughed and said 'no you don't.' Even having travelled abroad alone and made lots of friends, I still thought of myself as lacking confidence because it was so deeply engrained in my identity. That moment helped me realise it doesn't have to be.