To ask how you feel now if you were bullied at school? (Potentially sensitive)

[moutonfou]

I was picked on for being quiet and clever, which only made me quieter. By end of school I was shy to mute depending on situation, with extreme social anxiety and general lack of any confidence/resilience.

Although I have now put a lot of hard work into becoming a functioning adult with a good job, able to talk to different people, pretty calm and resilient, I still think I have an underlying expectation of rejection that will never go away. I automatically think anybody new I meet is cooler/better/has it more together than me and don't really expect them to like me. I think that comes across to people as a lack of warmth, simply because I'm still quite guarded.

Just curious to hear others' stories - how does it affect you years or decades later?

I know exactly how you feel, this is me to a T.

I don't trust people and have issues with friendships. I've always felt different or excluded and as a result people think that sometimes I'm moody or aloof.

Its an ongoing battle, so I cant offer advice, but support instead.

I was low level picked on & definitely not one of the cool kids in secondary. I had my own group of friends though, so wasn't isolated etc. However, it has had a massive effect on my confidence & I always think people aren't going to like me.

I was also a normal sized girl in a school full of very thin girls. So my perception of myself is totally out. I always think I'm big when people tell me I'm slim.

It made me very strong, very independent and honestly not care about the opinions of those who I don't care about myself.

Just to add another positive story. I won a scholarship to a private secondary school and was bullied throughout - I now realise because I wasn't a rich kid like them. I struggled with low self esteem throughout my early to mid 20s, but after that it improved greatly. I think I just stopped giving a shit! I'm mid-30s now and still have an irrational hatred of anyone with a posh accent, and avoid people who are very image-obsessed, but so long as I'm with "my sort of people" I thrive. And I think it's made me a kinder person - I always try to consider other people's feelings. I seem to be drawn to oddballs and making sure they feel comfortable and included.

Iris I think a Stately Homes type thread is a fantastic idea. Even if I'm fighting back tears from all of the stories here that share my broken places

I bumped into my old school bully a few years ago and she hadnt changed at all. She was just an older spiteful version of her younger self. It was liberating.
She isolated my from all my friends, one by one, using fear. She's as miserable now as she was back then.

to all

Can I ask - do you feel like your teachers could/should have done more to stop this?
I'm asking as I'm so gobsmacked at the seriousness of even primary aged children being subjected to this. Did they not see? Or was it 'blind eye' ? I know secondary aged children aren't as well supervised, also the journey to and from school.
I hope to God it wouldn't occur to the horrendous levels these days

I can't walk past secondary school kids without feeling sick and as though I'm going to faint.

I was bullied at school. It has made me extremely resilient and outwardly confident and able to (at least in public) brush things off. Privately I'm not quite so self confident and do have moments of random extreme insecurity or occasionally will react disproportionately to a relatively minor slight which I suppose is linked to being bullied.

I spend way too much time worrying about whether or not people like me. I always try to be kind and I worry constantly that I've upset somebody. I'm basically hyper empathetic-it's shit sometimes because I'll never be successful in certain jobs because I'm too soft.

I lived in fear of physical violence from bullies at secondary school. I never stood my ground and always told teachers and my parents - that wasn't a great plan as many teachers couldn't have cared less. With that said, I picked on some kids too - the whole thing was a nightmare. I was picked on by fat kids for being skinny and short ones for being tall.

In adult life I guess I have an overdeveloped sense of (what think of) as right and wrong - it's resulted in the past in me getting into road rage stuff with drivers I thought were being dangerous (ironic).

I have an unreasonable fear/hatred of alpha males/females and anything popular or flashy.

Yes me too ... echoing many sentiments already expressed esp about assuming everyone else is better. I go to great lengths to avoid friendship rejection which is probably why I don't have many friends. Lots of regrets I wish I could have handled sine things differently but oh Well! Shaped me forever unfortunately but I'm managing ok now

Wow, I could have written the OP! I was bullied relentlessly for being clever and quiet, by supposed "friends", throughout secondary school. I slowly built myself up to feeling vaguely normal, got married, made a few good friends that I managed to not repel with my natural frostiness...

Then after being very ill for about a year I ended up feeling vulnerable and weak just as my DD started primary school. A new set of bullies swept in (school mum clique) and once again I was the subject of really unpleasant behaviour. I'm now building myself up again and have made some lovely friends, but deep down I'm always expecting to be not liked, left out etc. A support thread would be amazing as just this week the mean school crew have managed to upset me again and I'm really cross with myself for letting them!

I don't think the effects really ever leave you, I only hope some bullies eventually realise the consequences of their actions and feel truly ashamed.

Me too.
I was bullied throughout primary and secondary school and have the same issues; a deep mistrust of women my own age, I avoid forming friendships, suffer from social anxiety and low self esteem.

I'm a people pleaser and am hyper vigilant of perceived threat and have always avoided situations where I can't see an escape route. For example I've taken temporary work contracts, so I have an exit if I feel anxious or intimidated.

On the plus side; things have improved with counselling and age. I have enormous empathy for suffering and an almost psychic ability to read others thoughts and feelings. Think this developed from years of reading and predicting the bullies moods and anticipating their swings.

Years of bullying have left me with social and generalised anxiety disorders and depression. I have 0 self-confidence and find relationships hard as I'm constantly paranoid that they're only friends/flirting with me as a joke. Consequently I end up pushing potential dates away as I'm too scared to trust them/myself.

It's a hellish existence.

After attending a really hippy Summerhill type primary until age 9 I started moving around slot because of Dad's job. Went to an inner city primary,then comp, then 4 further schools as we toured the UK (!). I was bullied verbally because I was the eccentric new kid...and then physically beaten and bullied at my last but one. One teacher actually said." You do put out victim vibes". I'm still fairly socially awkward, shy, anxious etc. Kind of bitter toward my parents and other adults who could have stopped this. I swore never to allow this to happen to my children. I'm crying typing this because I am still badly affected it seems. I can remember having to show my head of year bruises on my back, and him saying " they look like normal rough play bruises" I was 13...

I was gay bashed. Im actually straight, but no one should have to live with that level of fear in their daily lives. So I call out homophobia when I see it.

I wasn't bullied as such but 'dumped' by a group of friends led by an ex best friend at 15/16. I spent a LONG time lonely and to this day I feel I can't trust anyone. I feel the same as you in that everyone else is better, prettier, cleverer than me. I struggle meeting new people and don't know how to make small talk for fear of people instantly disliking me. I am desperately trying to make sure my daughters never feel like this, it's miserable.

I'm generally fine. I feel relatively successful and most of my bullies aren't. I despise bullies now. I hope that my bullies have shitty little lives as that is all they deserve.

One works in my gym, however. I want to slap his smug face whenever I see him. But then I remember that he's still doing the same job he did part time in college.

Very similar childhood to you, OP (academic, bullied, depression, chronic shyness) but different as an adult. I am now very (too) open, have lots of friends and don't mind being different. I feel that I have survived rejection and therefore no one can hurt me any more. I can invest in people and if they dislike me it won't destroy me. I am a child of God and will never let anyone's opinions of me get me down again. Or my own imaginings that I'm not good enough.

However, put me back with my family in my home town and I often revert back to being insecure. It's clearly still in there somewhere.

I should say that I generally dislike and distrust people. There is one incident that I can remember totally changed me. I don't really care about any one bar close family. Sometimes I feel shitty about that but other times I remember other people made me like that. I come across as very confident but a lot is just an act. I will not let anyone think i am weak.

I still think I have an underlying expectation of rejection that will never go away. I automatically think anybody new I meet is cooler/better/has it more together than me and don't really expect them to like me

Absolutely this. My bullying was at primary - even though I made good friends at secondary, sixth form, university, and through hobbies, I still struggle with this. I have a good amount of friends by any standards, but my default is still that people won't like me.

Even more than that, I never think that people will even remember me or recognise me - it's that constant feeling of being in the background and being overlooked, even though it's not true.

I was bullied during the last years of primary school; I was chubby with thick glasses and very academic. My regional accent was much lighter than my classmates so people dubbed me "posh"
It made me have low self-esteem, I literally wanted to be anyone else and at one point considered suicide. I was ten. Like you it left me anxious and also assuming that everyone else had their shit together and was better/cooler than me. I still think that and at times experience crippling anxiety that I feel I can't talk to anyone about. However I am happy; I think on balance I have a great life. Being bullied also made me think 'I'll show you' and so I worked hard to achieve my goals. As a result I have a good career and a wonderful family. So whilst I don't think the effects of bullying will ever completely fade I think it played a huge part on getting me where I am- awkwardness and anxiety and all...!

Just thinking about today... two other people I work with use the carpark ive started using for work. I've bumped into them a few times parking inc.today. I didn't want to put myself in line of rejection by asking to walk back with them after work today - so when I saw one go towards the other at 5pm I quickly slunk towards the door on my own. Must avoid rejection! I'm 33, I shouldn't have these complicated thoughts! I know it's related to being bullied and ostracized in school and wish it didn't have this effect today a whole lifetime later

I could have written the OP myself.. it's very strange as I force myself into situations now despite being really uncomfortable, and can front it 99% of the time with adults.
I am totally unnecessarily intimidated by 11-16 year olds though, if they're in the park for example I'll leave to avoid the risk they might play on the same equipment as my young son. It's utterly bizarre and I understand that but can't get past it.
I think I will always feel 'not good enough' due to the bullying; unlucky for me my first and second partners both ended up being bullies after 8 and 3 years together so it's definitely difficult to trust anybody without thinking they want to thump you for a laugh